Estrangement Doesn't Just Happen to "Bad" Moms—It Happened to Me Too

[Anonymous]

Two estrangements in my/my spouse’s family. One is the parent’s fault, one is the kid & kid’s spouse’s fault. It goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

It’s often not just one person in the family who has issues. A lot of these things are the result of intergenerational trauma/issues that never get addressed and keep getting passed down. I doubt either party is a glowing picture of mental health and stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the article it says very early on the son starts comparing his family to his fiancé's family. My MIL did this shortly after I married DH. She would compare her family with mine. My MIL was mentally unstable or emotionally immature, whatever you want to call it, she caused a lot of drama and problems.

I think there were issues with the new DIL who didn't want to share with a new family.

I think this because at the end when the family wanted to know what was wrong, the couple wanted to rug sweep it and not talk about it. Mentally unstable people do this, they don't talk about issues. I mean you have this massive estrangement with someone but you won't or can't talk about it - the person who can't or won't talk is the problem, so in this case it's the son and DIL. I honestly think they won't talk because they know they will get hit with the truth and they can't handle that.

You’re assuming her framing is true. From what the DIL said it sounds like very little here is accurate.

[Anonymous]

The mom said she feels like the son was comparing them to his fiance's family. She gave zero examples.

In fact she doesn't give any examples of the dil behaving poorly, controlling or anything at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mom said she feels like the son was comparing them to his fiance's family. She gave zero examples.

In fact she doesn't give any examples of the dil behaving poorly, controlling or anything at all.

What about DIL disinviting his parents to the wedding, coming up with an example of how she was treated rudely by MIL at baby shower- with no examples, refusal to discuss any conflicts, no contact with inlaws at all, associating with her own family only, still not discussing it years later. This young wife has total control of everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the article it says very early on the son starts comparing his family to his fiancé's family. My MIL did this shortly after I married DH. She would compare her family with mine. My MIL was mentally unstable or emotionally immature, whatever you want to call it, she caused a lot of drama and problems.

I think there were issues with the new DIL who didn't want to share with a new family.

I think this because at the end when the family wanted to know what was wrong, the couple wanted to rug sweep it and not talk about it. Mentally unstable people do this, they don't talk about issues. I mean you have this massive estrangement with someone but you won't or can't talk about it - the person who can't or won't talk is the problem, so in this case it's the son and DIL. I honestly think they won't talk because they know they will get hit with the truth and they can't handle that.

You’re assuming her framing is true. From what the DIL said it sounds like very little here is accurate.

What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two estrangements in my/my spouse’s family. One is the parent’s fault, one is the kid & kid’s spouse’s fault. It goes both ways.

It does. Not one person in this generation would ever take ownership, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The mom said she feels like the son was comparing them to his fiance's family. She gave zero examples.

In fact she doesn't give any examples of the dil behaving poorly, controlling or anything at all.

What about DIL disinviting his parents to the wedding, coming up with an example of how she was treated rudely by MIL at baby shower- with no examples, refusal to discuss any conflicts, no contact with inlaws at all, associating with her own family only, still not discussing it years later. This young wife has total control of everything.

The blog never once says they were disinvited. Did you read it? The MIL craftily glosses over why she decided not to go to the wedding. It is quite obvious that the MIL gave them an ultimatum "apologize, or we're not coming," and the son refused to be manipulated.

There are links in this thread to some of what the DIL has to say about this.

The writer also never says what happened that was so rude at the shower. Odd, isn't it? The DIL'S explanation is that her mom referenced the writer as a fellow southern girl, trying to find a commonality. Mil was inexplicably offended.

Sorry, but there's no evidence whatsoever that the dil "has total control over everything." None.

[Anonymous]

https://www.reddit.com/u/CMMtheoriginal?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The mom said she feels like the son was comparing them to his fiance's family. She gave zero examples.

In fact she doesn't give any examples of the dil behaving poorly, controlling or anything at all.

What about DIL disinviting his parents to the wedding, coming up with an example of how she was treated rudely by MIL at baby shower- with no examples, refusal to discuss any conflicts, no contact with inlaws at all, associating with her own family only, still not discussing it years later. This young wife has total control of everything.

The blog never once says they were disinvited. Did you read it? The MIL craftily glosses over why she decided not to go to the wedding. It is quite obvious that the MIL gave them an ultimatum "apologize, or we're not coming," and the son refused to be manipulated.

There are links in this thread to some of what the DIL has to say about this.

The writer also never says what happened that was so rude at the shower. Odd, isn't it? The DIL'S explanation is that her mom referenced the writer as a fellow southern girl, trying to find a commonality. Mil was inexplicably offended.

Sorry, but there's no evidence whatsoever that the dil "has total control over everything." None.

So this is actually a really good example of why estrangement often happen when new people come into the family. In the past, when moment on her crazy rants and created drama. Dad and son may have learned how to appease her. They may know how much to apologize and bend over backwards. The new inlaws don't. They react like any one else would, and don't apologize. They didn't do anything wrong, and so why would they. This lights the whole relationship on fire. Mom gets angrier and no one resolves her misplaced anger for her, and the situation is ripe for escalation by the individual with bpd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The mom said she feels like the son was comparing them to his fiance's family. She gave zero examples.

In fact she doesn't give any examples of the dil behaving poorly, controlling or anything at all.

What about DIL disinviting his parents to the wedding, coming up with an example of how she was treated rudely by MIL at baby shower- with no examples, refusal to discuss any conflicts, no contact with inlaws at all, associating with her own family only, still not discussing it years later. This young wife has total control of everything.

The blog never once says they were disinvited. Did you read it? The MIL craftily glosses over why she decided not to go to the wedding. It is quite obvious that the MIL gave them an ultimatum "apologize, or we're not coming," and the son refused to be manipulated.

There are links in this thread to some of what the DIL has to say about this.

The writer also never says what happened that was so rude at the shower. Odd, isn't it? The DIL'S explanation is that her mom referenced the writer as a fellow southern girl, trying to find a commonality. Mil was inexplicably offended.

Sorry, but there's no evidence whatsoever that the dil "has total control over everything." None.

So this is actually a really good example of why estrangement often happen when new people come into the family. In the past, when moment on her crazy rants and created drama. Dad and son may have learned how to appease her. They may know how much to apologize and bend over backwards. The new inlaws don't. They react like any one else would, and don't apologize. They didn't do anything wrong, and so why would they. This lights the whole relationship on fire. Mom gets angrier and no one resolves her misplaced anger for her, and the situation is ripe for escalation by the individual with bpd.

This is a really good point. And it's surprising that so many people in this thread are supportive of the mom in this situation.

I know a family like this, but the son and DIL haven't totally cut off the MIL. I hear both sides. Mil is always incredulous when Dil won't bend to her wishes. I'm alwayz so surprised that the sibling takes the mil's side when it's so clear that she's a bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the article it says very early on the son starts comparing his family to his fiancé's family. My MIL did this shortly after I married DH. She would compare her family with mine. My MIL was mentally unstable or emotionally immature, whatever you want to call it, she caused a lot of drama and problems.

I think there were issues with the new DIL who didn't want to share with a new family.

I think this because at the end when the family wanted to know what was wrong, the couple wanted to rug sweep it and not talk about it. Mentally unstable people do this, they don't talk about issues. I mean you have this massive estrangement with someone but you won't or can't talk about it - the person who can't or won't talk is the problem, so in this case it's the son and DIL. I honestly think they won't talk because they know they will get hit with the truth and they can't handle that.

You’re assuming her framing is true. From what the DIL said it sounds like very little here is accurate.

What?

LOL, looks like the MIL finally found this thread. years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the article it says very early on the son starts comparing his family to his fiancé's family. My MIL did this shortly after I married DH. She would compare her family with mine. My MIL was mentally unstable or emotionally immature, whatever you want to call it, she caused a lot of drama and problems.

I think there were issues with the new DIL who didn't want to share with a new family.

I think this because at the end when the family wanted to know what was wrong, the couple wanted to rug sweep it and not talk about it. Mentally unstable people do this, they don't talk about issues. I mean you have this massive estrangement with someone but you won't or can't talk about it - the person who can't or won't talk is the problem, so in this case it's the son and DIL. I honestly think they won't talk because they know they will get hit with the truth and they can't handle that.

You’re assuming her framing is true. From what the DIL said it sounds like very little here is accurate.

What?

LOL, looks like the MIL finally found this thread. years later.

No, but probably several MILs who deal with toxic and mentally ill DIL and SILs. I know a few. It wasn't until a school got involved that the world knew what DIL was like behind closed doors. Narcissists are really really good at presenting one facade and acting in another behind the scenes. But it never lasts, eventually it comes out.

I am not a MIL, or DIL, but I am with Mom on this one. And she probably helped a lot of her peers who deal with this very painful subject. In this one family, the parents were almost destroyed by grief. Sorry, there was no reason in this story to actually disinvite his parents. None.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the article it says very early on the son starts comparing his family to his fiancé's family. My MIL did this shortly after I married DH. She would compare her family with mine. My MIL was mentally unstable or emotionally immature, whatever you want to call it, she caused a lot of drama and problems.

I think there were issues with the new DIL who didn't want to share with a new family.

I think this because at the end when the family wanted to know what was wrong, the couple wanted to rug sweep it and not talk about it. Mentally unstable people do this, they don't talk about issues. I mean you have this massive estrangement with someone but you won't or can't talk about it - the person who can't or won't talk is the problem, so in this case it's the son and DIL. I honestly think they won't talk because they know they will get hit with the truth and they can't handle that.

You’re assuming her framing is true. From what the DIL said it sounds like very little here is accurate.

What?

LOL, looks like the MIL finally found this thread. years later.

No, but probably several MILs who deal with toxic and mentally ill DIL and SILs. I know a few. It wasn't until a school got involved that the world knew what DIL was like behind closed doors. Narcissists are really really good at presenting one facade and acting in another behind the scenes. But it never lasts, eventually it comes out.

I am not a MIL, or DIL, but I am with Mom on this one. And she probably helped a lot of her peers who deal with this very painful subject. In this one family, the parents were almost destroyed by grief. Sorry, there was no reason in this story to actually disinvite his parents. None.

Everyone keeps missing this very important point: THEY WERE NEVER DISINVITED.

The mom disinvited herself, and called the rest of her family members and told them not to go either. The son and wife tried to reach out to her several times.

[Anonymous]

I just want to point out that it's really interesting to me that this woman's article is just a screaming red flag to so many people. It's all the people who have had to manage someone with this type of personality disorder. The most interesting thing is just how freaking similar all the traits and behaviors are. It is freaky.

So I had never really had to deal with someone with a personality disorder before until I was 32. So I was a sitting duck, and I was completely on the side of the person with the personality disorder. I wondered why all her family members kept her at a distance. I got sucked in. I'd say it took me a good 10 years to free myself and establish healthy boundaries.

So knowing what I know with people with personality disorders - this woman actually has zero self-awareness of her own culpability while at the same time feeling tremendous guilt. She actually does NOT remember what happened, she has her own hazy fictitious memory of how things happened in her own mind. She feels very much the victim. She will not stop until she feels she can get all the family members, and now the public at large, on her side to see her as the victim, and the son and daughter in law as the enemies. She really believes everything she is saying.