Wife wants to move from city to small hometown, I don't

[Anonymous]

For those of you claiming OPs wife made all these sacrifices, what sacrifices are you talking about? Because I sure can't see them. If anything OP has made sacrifices. OPs wife sounds entitled more than anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Wow, the posters here are vapid.

OP, if you're still reading, I'm a wife who would personally hate living in a big city and yet I agree with you. You were up front from the beginning (and consistent throughout) about not wanting to move to her hometown. She accepted that and even assured you that she was in the city for herself, not for you, so you didn't even have the chance to think whether you really wanted to put her in a position where she'd have to make a choice between you and what she really wanted. Three years is a enough time to live somewhere that you could be reasonably sure that she really was living there for herself and not for you, before you decided to settle with her and had kids.

And now she wants to flip the switch and uproot the family (not just you but also the kids) to go do the exact opposite thing to what she agreed on. That's not reasonable. It's very unfair to you, and depending on your kids (their needs, personalities, interests, friendships, etc) it may be very unfair to them too. On the other hand, maybe it's the best thing for the kids. Only you can know that.

Personally, I think the "compromise" in this situation is to look around and choose another town altogether that would be new to both of you and that you both genuinely think would be a great place to raise the kids and that you BOTH are excited about starting a new chapter of your lives in, and consider that. You are not obligated at all to move to her small hometown.

Thanks. I'm thinking of suggesting we buy a property there that we can initially use as our holiday home, so we can spend more time there without being on top of her parents, and I can have my own space to retreat to.

We'll continue to live in the city for now, but we'll have the option to relocate there if we choose. Once I can get more used to the idea - and as a tester to see if I like it before we sold our current home.

I think that is a good starting compromise. - OP

I know quite a few folks in the DC Metro area that they go away most of the summer (mountains or beach) when one parent is either SAHP or off during summers (like teachers) and they see their family and it gives this shared history with aunts, cousins, grandparents and siblings.

The other thing for OP to find out is it more than just seeing family. Is it a sense of community and/or having land/space? I know several people that have moved from close-in suburb to having 1 acre or more of space. They want their kids to play in the creek in the back yard, hear the frogs, see the deer and not be on top of neighbors etc. There are also mom friends I know that picked specific neighborhoods that are known for being very community oriented. Like they have book clubs, bunko, you see adults dressing up for the Halloween party at Susie’s house etc. Or maybe it’s a neighborhood with lots of kids that ride their bikes outside and a decent number of SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

I'm team OP -- not because i think he is a nice guy to his wife, but because he's always been upfront.

It sounds like OP *loves* his wife and marriage solely because she is physically in proximity to him. He acknowledges there were no sparks up front, clearly is suspicious that his wife moved to the big city to be with him after only a week, and it sounds like he only married her because they got pregnant. I don't normally assume that women are trying to corner men into marriage, but OP's wife sounds like she did everything she could to put herself in front of OP and say "marry me!" OP loves her enough to date her when she was around, and marry her when she was pregnant. But i doubt he loved her enough to chase her, or marry her if there was no pregnancy. That's fine, though. As OP tells it, he told her he wasn't willing to leave the city to chase her. It would have been obvious he was marrying her only because of the pregnancy. OP's wife still pursued and agreed to this life, clearly knowing his love for her had a threshold, and then made the choice to bring more kids into it, stay in the city, and become a sahm.

OP doesn't, and never has, loved her enough to go to her small town. That's okay. It's always been known.

OP therefore shouldn't move to the small town (because his love for her, and thus their marriage, isn't strong enough to survive it). The wife could theoretically move back home, or spend half the year there, but i don't know why OP should have to suffer for it (paying for her life of leisure, and losing the benefits of his kids being around).

[Anonymous]

Team OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you claiming OPs wife made all these sacrifices, what sacrifices are you talking about? Because I sure can't see them. If anything OP has made sacrifices. OPs wife sounds entitled more than anything.

Giving up her career to SAH with 3 kids allowed her husband to focus on developing his own career. She has been the default parent and the one who has had constant kids with her 24/7. Everything she has been doing has directly benefited her family and that is where her focus has been - her home, her husband, her kids. She likely does not get a great deal of time to herself and the thought of being around her family and hometown friends again - her lifelong support network - is very appealing. Op has said that he is not stuck working in any one particular area, he has the freedom to move around. His wife has said that she would love to move back to her hometown. Op has made it very clear that he has no interest in moving to such a small town.

I am a SAHM, myself, and I am actually team Op because I do think that he has been very clear in his position about not wanting to move to such a small town. I do think that would be very tough on Op and his marriage in general to make a move like that.

At the same time, I totally understand how a woman with 3 young kids would want to be around a bigger support network. She may have been fine living in a nameless, faceless city when she was single but her reality has absolutely changed now that she is a mother with 3 young kids. Op needs to be sensitive to that. Op, as the breadwinner, is not as tied down to the home as his wife is. Op can go on business trips, have business dinners with his colleagues, go out for cocktails and he has more freedom in general than his wife does. His wife is doing playground, preschool, PTA duty, pediatrician appts. Maybe she gets lunch out in a kid friendly restaurant every now and then. She probably loves spending time with her kids but is craving adult interaction with people who know and love her. Totally understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you claiming OPs wife made all these sacrifices, what sacrifices are you talking about? Because I sure can't see them. If anything OP has made sacrifices. OPs wife sounds entitled more than anything.

Giving up her career to SAH with 3 kids allowed her husband to focus on developing his own career. She has been the default parent and the one who has had constant kids with her 24/7. Everything she has been doing has directly benefited her family and that is where her focus has been - her home, her husband, her kids. She likely does not get a great deal of time to herself and the thought of being around her family and hometown friends again - her lifelong support network - is very appealing. Op has said that he is not stuck working in any one particular area, he has the freedom to move around. His wife has said that she would love to move back to her hometown. Op has made it very clear that he has no interest in moving to such a small town.

I am a SAHM, myself, and I am actually team Op because I do think that he has been very clear in his position about not wanting to move to such a small town. I do think that would be very tough on Op and his marriage in general to make a move like that.

At the same time, I totally understand how a woman with 3 young kids would want to be around a bigger support network. She may have been fine living in a nameless, faceless city when she was single but her reality has absolutely changed now that she is a mother with 3 young kids. Op needs to be sensitive to that. Op, as the breadwinner, is not as tied down to the home as his wife is. Op can go on business trips, have business dinners with his colleagues, go out for cocktails and he has more freedom in general than his wife does. His wife is doing playground, preschool, PTA duty, pediatrician appts. Maybe she gets lunch out in a kid friendly restaurant every now and then. She probably loves spending time with her kids but is craving adult interaction with people who know and love her. Totally understandable.

OP didn't outright say it, but I don't get the impression that his wife "gave up her career" for OP. I get the impression she wanted to get married to OP, and sounds like she didn't have much of her own thing going on. Believe it or not, there are women who become sahms not as a sacrifice but so that they never have to work ever again. I know lots of them (just like I know lots of women who gave up satisfying careers to stay home). Based on the rest of the picture, I'd bet OP's wife was not giving up much of a career to stay home, and was very happy to have OP's income allow her to stop working.

[Anonymous]

The local Jiffy Lube needs a new trainee, $7.50/hr and .25/hr increase every 90 days for the first 2 years. Employer matches 401(k) after a year.
Drug test required.

Your wife can likely start at the A&P stocking shelves, but if she’s a hard worker she can apply for the afternoon Deli slicer position when Edna retires in October.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think both of you need therapy. You sound high anxiety and OCD, she sounds depressed. Usually people want to make a change thinking that things will be better if we move, change this or that. You with your anxiety are not open to any change. Her spending summers in her hometown isn't a big deal at all. Plenty of us do the same if SAH when kids are little. Heck, I spent most summers in Europe where my parents live when I wasn't working and kids were young. DH didn't think a single thing about it. Both of your should try to be more accepting of your differences and needs. Now, as for me, I couldn't imagine living in a small town, I would go nuts, nuts, nuts.

You're right, I do suffer anxiety, and mild OCD.

I'm open to change, but it has to be small steps. Turning my life upside down to start all over would be too much change for me all at once. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read every response but I do t think you are a villain, OP; you’ve been very honest from the start. Moving to a tiny town would be a huge change, and not necessary; you can have the best of both worlds by buying a summer home in your wife’s hometown. I imagine it’s very affordable.

She’s a SAHM and can spend the whole summer there with the kids. You can be there on weekends, or even weeks at a time if that’s doable. You can stay there on school holidays, or at least your wife can go with the kids. Any weekend the kids don’t have activities you all (or just she and the kids) can hop in the car and drive there. Three hours away isn’t a terrible drive.

There’s your compromise; it’s reasonable, affordable, and practical. Done.

Thank you! Now if you can talk this sense into my wife it will be problem solved - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The other thing for OP to find out is it more than just seeing family. Is it a sense of community and/or having land/space? I know several people that have moved from close-in suburb to having 1 acre or more of space. They want their kids to play in the creek in the back yard, hear the frogs, see the deer and not be on top of neighbors etc. There are also mom friends I know that picked specific neighborhoods that are known for being very community oriented. Like they have book clubs, bunko, you see adults dressing up for the Halloween party at Susie’s house etc. Or maybe it’s a neighborhood with lots of kids that ride their bikes outside and a decent number of SAHMs.

What is a struggle for me is that we are into our third house since we've been together. Each one a bigger upgrade. We now have a 3/4 acre property, big house, pool, vegetable garden, privacy from neighbors, and native bush with a small stream through it.

My wife has never really been happy there and never really made any effort to improve it. For example, she always says she wants a vegetable garden, but in 4 years she's never touched it and it's just overgrown with weeds. I like gardening too but she says I can't touch it because it's her project.

FML - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm team OP -- not because i think he is a nice guy to his wife, but because he's always been upfront.

It sounds like OP *loves* his wife and marriage solely because she is physically in proximity to him. He acknowledges there were no sparks up front, clearly is suspicious that his wife moved to the big city to be with him after only a week, and it sounds like he only married her because they got pregnant. I don't normally assume that women are trying to corner men into marriage, but OP's wife sounds like she did everything she could to put herself in front of OP and say "marry me!" OP loves her enough to date her when she was around, and marry her when she was pregnant. But i doubt he loved her enough to chase her, or marry her if there was no pregnancy. That's fine, though. As OP tells it, he told her he wasn't willing to leave the city to chase her. It would have been obvious he was marrying her only because of the pregnancy. OP's wife still pursued and agreed to this life, clearly knowing his love for her had a threshold, and then made the choice to bring more kids into it, stay in the city, and become a sahm.

OP doesn't, and never has, loved her enough to go to her small town. That's okay. It's always been known.

OP therefore shouldn't move to the small town (because his love for her, and thus their marriage, isn't strong enough to survive it). The wife could theoretically move back home, or spend half the year there, but i don't know why OP should have to suffer for it (paying for her life of leisure, and losing the benefits of his kids being around).

Very profound observation, and a very harsh truth - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you claiming OPs wife made all these sacrifices, what sacrifices are you talking about? Because I sure can't see them. If anything OP has made sacrifices. OPs wife sounds entitled more than anything.

Giving up her career to SAH with 3 kids allowed her husband to focus on developing his own career. She has been the default parent and the one who has had constant kids with her 24/7. Everything she has been doing has directly benefited her family and that is where her focus has been - her home, her husband, her kids. She likely does not get a great deal of time to herself and the thought of being around her family and hometown friends again - her lifelong support network - is very appealing. Op has said that he is not stuck working in any one particular area, he has the freedom to move around. His wife has said that she would love to move back to her hometown. Op has made it very clear that he has no interest in moving to such a small town.

I am a SAHM, myself, and I am actually team Op because I do think that he has been very clear in his position about not wanting to move to such a small town. I do think that would be very tough on Op and his marriage in general to make a move like that.

At the same time, I totally understand how a woman with 3 young kids would want to be around a bigger support network. She may have been fine living in a nameless, faceless city when she was single but her reality has absolutely changed now that she is a mother with 3 young kids. Op needs to be sensitive to that. Op, as the breadwinner, is not as tied down to the home as his wife is. Op can go on business trips, have business dinners with his colleagues, go out for cocktails and he has more freedom in general than his wife does. His wife is doing playground, preschool, PTA duty, pediatrician appts. Maybe she gets lunch out in a kid friendly restaurant every now and then. She probably loves spending time with her kids but is craving adult interaction with people who know and love her. Totally understandable.

You are right about the kids changing things, and I understand that, though she was talking about this before we had children and I had to put my foot down and say NO, I'm not moving there.

She's always wanted to be a SAHM, so she has that, with absolutely no concern about money (within reason of course), but I do understand she has a very tough job with 3 kids. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP didn't outright say it, but I don't get the impression that his wife "gave up her career" for OP. I get the impression she wanted to get married to OP, and sounds like she didn't have much of her own thing going on. Believe it or not, there are women who become sahms not as a sacrifice but so that they never have to work ever again. I know lots of them (just like I know lots of women who gave up satisfying careers to stay home). Based on the rest of the picture, I'd bet OP's wife was not giving up much of a career to stay home, and was very happy to have OP's income allow her to stop working.

Correct! She was not a career woman, she just had an administrative office job, with a long commute, that simply paid the bills. - OP

[Anonymous]

So no real sacrifices from OPs wife. I think she needs to deal.

[Anonymous]

I would find ways to spend more time in her small town, together, without moving there. I'd make it clear that moving there isn't an option, but that you'd do your best to maximize time spent there. And don't leave after a few days if she's there for a week - you are a family... Perhaps there is SOMETHING in her small hometown that you could learn to like, or even love, for 5-6-7-8 weeks per year?

Marriage is compromise on both sides...