Wife wants to move from city to small hometown, I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you claiming OPs wife made all these sacrifices, what sacrifices are you talking about? Because I sure can't see them. If anything OP has made sacrifices. OPs wife sounds entitled more than anything.

Giving up her career to SAH with 3 kids allowed her husband to focus on developing his own career. She has been the default parent and the one who has had constant kids with her 24/7. Everything she has been doing has directly benefited her family and that is where her focus has been - her home, her husband, her kids. She likely does not get a great deal of time to herself and the thought of being around her family and hometown friends again - her lifelong support network - is very appealing. Op has said that he is not stuck working in any one particular area, he has the freedom to move around. His wife has said that she would love to move back to her hometown. Op has made it very clear that he has no interest in moving to such a small town.

I am a SAHM, myself, and I am actually team Op because I do think that he has been very clear in his position about not wanting to move to such a small town. I do think that would be very tough on Op and his marriage in general to make a move like that.

At the same time, I totally understand how a woman with 3 young kids would want to be around a bigger support network. She may have been fine living in a nameless, faceless city when she was single but her reality has absolutely changed now that she is a mother with 3 young kids. Op needs to be sensitive to that. Op, as the breadwinner, is not as tied down to the home as his wife is. Op can go on business trips, have business dinners with his colleagues, go out for cocktails and he has more freedom in general than his wife does. His wife is doing playground, preschool, PTA duty, pediatrician appts. Maybe she gets lunch out in a kid friendly restaurant every now and then. She probably loves spending time with her kids but is craving adult interaction with people who know and love her. Totally understandable.

OP didn't outright say it, but I don't get the impression that his wife "gave up her career" for OP. I get the impression she wanted to get married to OP, and sounds like she didn't have much of her own thing going on. Believe it or not, there are women who become sahms not as a sacrifice but so that they never have to work ever again. I know lots of them (just like I know lots of women who gave up satisfying careers to stay home). Based on the rest of the picture, I'd bet OP's wife was not giving up much of a career to stay home, and was very happy to have OP's income allow her to stop working.

She was working when she moved to the city. She and Op agreed that they both wanted her to SAH with the kids. If she has been at home taking care of the kids all this time she has absolutely sacrificed her own job prospects. Maybe this was her dream all along but the bottom line is, her being at home with the kids has freed up her husband to focus on his career. He has a nice family, a wife that he care about and his own business. She no longer brings in a paycheck and every year that she is not in the workforce the harder it would be for her to reenter it. That's the downside to being a stay at home parent. While she doesn't have to go into an office anymore, her time is really still not her own. Taking care of young kids is a round the clock job and she is probably not getting much of a break from it. That is likely why she wants to move closer to her family/friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP didn't outright say it, but I don't get the impression that his wife "gave up her career" for OP. I get the impression she wanted to get married to OP, and sounds like she didn't have much of her own thing going on. Believe it or not, there are women who become sahms not as a sacrifice but so that they never have to work ever again. I know lots of them (just like I know lots of women who gave up satisfying careers to stay home). Based on the rest of the picture, I'd bet OP's wife was not giving up much of a career to stay home, and was very happy to have OP's income allow her to stop working.

Correct! She was not a career woman, she just had an administrative office job, with a long commute, that simply paid the bills. - OP

Eh, she was supporting herself with that office job and she potentially could have been promoted to other roles or applied to better paying jobs once she had experience under her belt. You never know.

But if she had continued to work after the kids were born, you would have been sharing/juggling childcare right along with her. If you had less time to devote to growing your business you might not be where you are today.

As it is, you have a wife who takes care of all of that for you while you focus on running your business. It sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement. I hope that you appreciate everything she's done to help you succeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As it is, you have a wife who takes care of all of that for you while you focus on running your business. It sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement. I hope that you appreciate everything she's done to help you succeed.

Yes, I *gave* her half of my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As it is, you have a wife who takes care of all of that for you while you focus on running your business. It sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement. I hope that you appreciate everything she's done to help you succeed.

Yes, I *gave* her half of my house.

Ummm. Do you think that she would have quit her job, married you and had 3 kids and provided round the clock 24/7 care of them... for the opportunity to own *half* of "your" house?

Can you see yourself jumping at the opportunity to do the same?

Come on. You married this woman and you agreed that she would stay at home with your children while you worked for the income to support your family. If you are beginning to regret this agreement you should really talk to her about it. Figure out what you both want and need to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ummm. Do you think that she would have quit her job, married you and had 3 kids and provided round the clock 24/7 care of them... for the opportunity to own *half* of "your" house?

Can you see yourself jumping at the opportunity to do the same?

Come on. You married this woman and you agreed that she would stay at home with your children while you worked for the income to support your family. If you are beginning to regret this agreement you should really talk to her about it. Figure out what you both want and need to be happy.

Let's say I own a $2 million house, and I don't owe anything on it.

Let's say she has nothing but a few thousand dollars saved.

Then I say to her, I'm putting your name on the house title, and now you are a millionaire.

I think that's a good trade for not working for 8 years.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As it is, you have a wife who takes care of all of that for you while you focus on running your business. It sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement. I hope that you appreciate everything she's done to help you succeed.

Yes, I *gave* her half of my house.

Ummm. Do you think that she would have quit her job, married you and had 3 kids and provided round the clock 24/7 care of them... for the opportunity to own *half* of "your" house?

Can you see yourself jumping at the opportunity to do the same?

Come on. You married this woman and you agreed that she would stay at home with your children while you worked for the income to support your family. If you are beginning to regret this agreement you should really talk to her about it. Figure out what you both want and need to be happy.

OP wants to stay in the city which he made very clear to wife from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

OP update. Last night I talked to my wife and suggested the second home as a compromise, and then we can see how we like it. She didn't exactly jump up and down at the idea. At least I'm trying. I saw my therapist today who suggested we need to talk about it more and find out what's really keeping her unhappy, because happiness can't be found outside the mind. He said to not do *anything* for 6 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ummm. Do you think that she would have quit her job, married you and had 3 kids and provided round the clock 24/7 care of them... for the opportunity to own *half* of "your" house?

Can you see yourself jumping at the opportunity to do the same?

Come on. You married this woman and you agreed that she would stay at home with your children while you worked for the income to support your family. If you are beginning to regret this agreement you should really talk to her about it. Figure out what you both want and need to be happy.

Let's say I own a $2 million house, and I don't owe anything on it.

Let's say she has nothing but a few thousand dollars saved.

Then I say to her, I'm putting your name on the house title, and now you are a millionaire.

I think that's a good trade for not working for 8 years.

-OP

Did you marry this woman or did you sign a contractual business agreement with her. Is she your wife or a rather ungrateful and difficult employee?

Op, your wife needs to move with the children to be closer to her family. If you want to go with them then figure out a town that is closer to her hometown. If you really don't want to be married than you need to discuss that with your wife, too.

You sound truly conflicted. I hope things get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP update. Last night I talked to my wife and suggested the second home as a compromise, and then we can see how we like it. She didn't exactly jump up and down at the idea. At least I'm trying. I saw my therapist today who suggested we need to talk about it more and find out what's really keeping her unhappy, because happiness can't be found outside the mind. He said to not do *anything* for 6 months.

Thank you for the update. It is good that you are talking this all out with a therapist. Hang in there. Things will get better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ummm. Do you think that she would have quit her job, married you and had 3 kids and provided round the clock 24/7 care of them... for the opportunity to own *half* of "your" house?

Can you see yourself jumping at the opportunity to do the same?

Come on. You married this woman and you agreed that she would stay at home with your children while you worked for the income to support your family. If you are beginning to regret this agreement you should really talk to her about it. Figure out what you both want and need to be happy.

Let's say I own a $2 million house, and I don't owe anything on it.

Let's say she has nothing but a few thousand dollars saved.

Then I say to her, I'm putting your name on the house title, and now you are a millionaire.

I think that's a good trade for not working for 8 years.

-OP

Did you marry this woman or did you sign a contractual business agreement with her. Is she your wife or a rather ungrateful and difficult employee?

Op, your wife needs to move with the children to be closer to her family. If you want to go with them then figure out a town that is closer to her hometown. If you really don't want to be married than you need to discuss that with your wife, too.

You sound truly conflicted. I hope things get better.

She's a woman who relentlessly pursued him for several years before finally trapping him into marriage by getting pregnant and choosing to keep the baby. From OP's perspective, it was a type of arrangement, and he was clear on that. I don't know what you want from him. He was clear about his plans and personal limits all throughout the relationship. She accepted those. Turns out it was great for her since she had a dead-end job that she didn't like. Admin jobs are pretty easy to find, so I can't imagine that she was the type of star employee who would slowly rise up through the ranks as a PP suggested... not when her job merely paid the bills and there was a long commute and she jumped at the chance of being a SAHM.

OP, what were your plans for now that the kids are getting older? Have you been indicating to your wife that you expect her to go back to work after the youngest is in school? Maybe the wife is actually seeing the writing on the wall and trying to set up a scenario where she doesn't need to ever work again (e.g. "oh this town is so small, how can I possibly find a job here? I've been out of the workforce for 10 years! And I have no education!" etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Did you marry this woman or did you sign a contractual business agreement with her. Is she your wife or a rather ungrateful and difficult employee?

Op, your wife needs to move with the children to be closer to her family. If you want to go with them then figure out a town that is closer to her hometown. If you really don't want to be married than you need to discuss that with your wife, too.

You sound truly conflicted. I hope things get better.

If you think about it, a marriage IS like a business arrangement. It needs to be mutually-beneficial, you need to put in equal effort, and there are certain conditions that would break the arrangement (abuse, drugs, cheating).

I never hinted I don't want to be married, so not sure where you got that from. I just don't want my whole life to change so my wife can try to fulfill some idealized fantasy of life back home, only to perhaps find it's not quite what she hoped it would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP update. Last night I talked to my wife and suggested the second home as a compromise, and then we can see how we like it. She didn't exactly jump up and down at the idea. At least I'm trying. I saw my therapist today who suggested we need to talk about it more and find out what's really keeping her unhappy, because happiness can't be found outside the mind. He said to not do *anything* for 6 months.

Im the one who suggested a vacation home. I hope your wife can suss out in therapy what she's truly looking for and can recognize you're trying to make her happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, what were your plans for now that the kids are getting older? Have you been indicating to your wife that you expect her to go back to work after the youngest is in school? Maybe the wife is actually seeing the writing on the wall and trying to set up a scenario where she doesn't need to ever work again (e.g. "oh this town is so small, how can I possibly find a job here? I've been out of the workforce for 10 years! And I have no education!" etc).

I've suggested she go back to work when all 3 are at school, which is in 3 years, but not for the money, more so that she would have some purpose outside the home during the day, so she can have engagement with other people. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ummm. Do you think that she would have quit her job, married you and had 3 kids and provided round the clock 24/7 care of them... for the opportunity to own *half* of "your" house?

Can you see yourself jumping at the opportunity to do the same?

Come on. You married this woman and you agreed that she would stay at home with your children while you worked for the income to support your family. If you are beginning to regret this agreement you should really talk to her about it. Figure out what you both want and need to be happy.

Let's say I own a $2 million house, and I don't owe anything on it.

Let's say she has nothing but a few thousand dollars saved.

Then I say to her, I'm putting your name on the house title, and now you are a millionaire.

I think that's a good trade for not working for 8 years.

-OP

Did you marry this woman or did you sign a contractual business agreement with her. Is she your wife or a rather ungrateful and difficult employee?

Op, your wife needs to move with the children to be closer to her family. If you want to go with them then figure out a town that is closer to her hometown. If you really don't want to be married than you need to discuss that with your wife, too.

You sound truly conflicted. I hope things get better.

She's a woman who relentlessly pursued him for several years before finally trapping him into marriage by getting pregnant and choosing to keep the baby. From OP's perspective, it was a type of arrangement, and he was clear on that. I don't know what you want from him. He was clear about his plans and personal limits all throughout the relationship. She accepted those. Turns out it was great for her since she had a dead-end job that she didn't like. Admin jobs are pretty easy to find, so I can't imagine that she was the type of star employee who would slowly rise up through the ranks as a PP suggested... not when her job merely paid the bills and there was a long commute and she jumped at the chance of being a SAHM.

OP, what were your plans for now that the kids are getting older? Have you been indicating to your wife that you expect her to go back to work after the youngest is in school? Maybe the wife is actually seeing the writing on the wall and trying to set up a scenario where she doesn't need to ever work again (e.g. "oh this town is so small, how can I possibly find a job here? I've been out of the workforce for 10 years! And I have no education!" etc).

You make this poor woman sound like a stalker when Op actually said that he and his wife had a friendship for years that eventually blossomed into a romance which led to them getting married and having 3 children together.

Op was upfront about not wanting to move to a small town but his wife was apparently upfront about her desire to get married, have kids and be at SAHM. They got involved with and married each other knowing these things about each other. Apparently, the relationship has been mutually beneficial to both of them because they have had three children together over the span of 8 years.

Honestly, I think that she probably is feeling overwhelmed with the constant 24/7 childcare responsibilities and the idea of having some back up care from her family and friends sounds really appealing to her. Anyone who thinks that staying home with three young kids is easy is not around children very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Did you marry this woman or did you sign a contractual business agreement with her. Is she your wife or a rather ungrateful and difficult employee?

Op, your wife needs to move with the children to be closer to her family. If you want to go with them then figure out a town that is closer to her hometown. If you really don't want to be married than you need to discuss that with your wife, too.

You sound truly conflicted. I hope things get better.

If you think about it, a marriage IS like a business arrangement. It needs to be mutually-beneficial, you need to put in equal effort, and there are certain conditions that would break the arrangement (abuse, drugs, cheating).

I never hinted I don't want to be married, so not sure where you got that from. I just don't want my whole life to change so my wife can try to fulfill some idealized fantasy of life back home, only to perhaps find it's not quite what she hoped it would be.

It was the way you brushed off the contributions that she has made to your marriage - she got half of my house! You don't sound like you view her as a partner. You sort of make her sound liked the hired help that you were forced into hiring.

Maybe that isn't how you feel about her at all. But that is the way you come across. Your wife wants to be around "her people" because she wants to be around people who support her.