Found some strange panty hose, it wasn't mine....

[Anonymous]

The best idea is to hire a private investigator to follow him. You seem to need to see what is so obvious to so many of us-- that he's living a double life, whether that's a boyfriend, a girlfriend, living as a transvestite or he has a drug trouble. Yes, you need to be involved in his therapy, you need std tests, you need an attorney-- but, more than anything, you need to open your eyes to what is going on and I think pi can help you do that.

Oh, and when you find out, think about all the lies it takes to sustain whatever it is he is doing. He's been doing this a long time.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't deserve this kind of treatment. This is crazy, for you and your daughter. You should really consider divorce. Life is too short to live with a mental case like that. You didn't break him so it's not your job to fix him. You don't have to deal with this type of disrespect from him. Leave him OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where else would they come from?

My older daughters friends have come over and spent the night frequently, but no one dressed up recently. The younger ones play dress-up a lot with each other's clothes.

Nobody under 35 wears pantyhose anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The comment about her DD's male gay friends wearing pantyhose makes me think this is creative writing. I mean, c'mon.

And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it - I'm just saying it's highly unlikely.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't be this much in denial. Is he abusive by any chance? I ask because I find it odd that you would keep the homefires burning while he's off on some 6 week ringless vacation from life. Also, you didn't straight out discuss it with him, which makes it seem like you are afraid. Or enabling.

Like I said, he is mentally ill and when he was gone it was due to his mental breakdowns. I didn't straight-out discuss it with him because I didn't get a chance to, since he immediately flew right off the handle as soon as I told him I had "feelings" about it. I would have had I been able to get that far but once he's in a tantrum you can't reason with him.

He is abusing you. I understand you are honoring your marriage vows, "in sickness and health", but he is using his illness as both a shield and a weapon. As a pp advised, get your finances and life in order. You should probably get an STD screening as well. I'm sorry.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where else would they come from?

My older daughters friends have come over and spent the night frequently, but no one dressed up recently. The younger ones play dress-up a lot with each other's clothes.

Nobody under 35 wears pantyhose anymore.

True. Women these days lack class.

[Anonymous]

Does he have a drug problem? That is what it sounds like to me

[Anonymous]

If I found unfamiliar pantyhose in my drawer I would guess that they had been left behind by my mother or mother-in-law or another house guest from who knows when. The fact that DH reacted angrily the second time you asked about the pantyhose does not seem inappropriate to me, especially if his initial reaction seemed like a legitimate "no idea where they came from."

But the mental breaks and disappearances change the equation here. Your husband is obviously tormented by something. Maybe he has a second family, maybe he is struggling with sexual identity or a history of abuse or an active addiction. Mental break can mean a lot of things: Maybe he is going through periods where he loses touch with reality and if so, who knows what kind of trouble he is exposing himself and your family to.

At any rate, leaving home for extended periods of time is more than cheating and it is NOT normal. You need to insist on speaking with his psychiatrist if he has one, and also consider hiring a private investigator.

[Anonymous]

Has OP addressed what she says to her kids when he disappears like this?? What must the kids think to have dad vanish for weeks at a time?

Also, definitely cheating. His reaction is the classic reaction cheater's have. I was dating a guy and I went to his place after his best friend stayed with him. I went to put my drink down, so I moved a magazine, and there was a condom laying underneath it (we didn't use them.) I knew he wasn't cheating on me, but as soon as he saw that I saw it, he started laughing and immediately said "THIS LOOKS SO HORRIBLE!!" and explained what happened, with his friend bringing a woman back after they had gone out. But, his first reaction wasn't to defend himself, since he hadn't done anything wrong. And it wasn't to blame me for finding it. Guilty people do that to beat you down enough to back-off, and they become so confrontational about things so you're scared to say anything else.

You should be extremely worried about what kind of relationship your kids will end up in, with the model you are showing them.

[Anonymous]

Ok, OP here.
Let's put this to rest. What seems to be lost on everyone is that his past behavior is past, prior to treatment and medication and hospitalization, etc. it is no longer happening. Many incidents only happened once, and are pretty common among bipolars when in a manic state, including disappearances.

I really don't need any armchair diagnosis or advice about bipolar, there's nothing anyone can tell me I don't already know. Unless you are a licensed professional or are a caregiver of a bipolar person, I don't need your insight into bipolar disorder. It is a disease.

I simply wanted opinions regarding his reaction that I interpreted as guilt , because yes I have reason to think he cheated in the past at some time when he was gone and in a manic state, prior to treatment. Since he is stable now, he does experience a great deal of remorse shame and guilt which is also common to bipolar people once they get stable.

But thank you all for your snide judgemental sanctimonious remarks and condemnation of me and my family. I only commented further here because I did not want anyone going through the experience of a bipolar family member or loved one seeing all the shitty comments and think they were receiving real or helpful information, which none of it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP here.
Let's put this to rest. What seems to be lost on everyone is that his past behavior is past, prior to treatment and medication and hospitalization, etc. it is no longer happening. Many incidents only happened once, and are pretty common among bipolars when in a manic state, including disappearances.

I really don't need any armchair diagnosis or advice about bipolar, there's nothing anyone can tell me I don't already know. Unless you are a licensed professional or are a caregiver of a bipolar person, I don't need your insight into bipolar disorder. It is a disease.

I simply wanted opinions regarding his reaction that I interpreted as guilt , because yes I have reason to think he cheated in the past at some time when he was gone and in a manic state, prior to treatment. Since he is stable now, he does experience a great deal of remorse shame and guilt which is also common to bipolar people once they get stable.

But thank you all for your snide judgemental sanctimonious remarks and condemnation of me and my family. I only commented further here because I did not want anyone going through the experience of a bipolar family member or loved one seeing all the shitty comments and think they were receiving real or helpful information, which none of it was.

OP, I don't think you had mentioned in prior posts that he was bipolar. We did not have the benefit of that information. So I'm not understanding why you are so defensive regarding his diagnosis when we did not even know what it was - you only described his behavior without the proper context.

[Anonymous]

^^ unless I missed something??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ unless I missed something??

Yes you missed it.

[Anonymous]

None of the posts were helpful? No one was condemning your family, just you and your husband. He is cheating, you are enabling, the kids are watching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of the posts were helpful? No one was condemning your family, just you and your husband. He is cheating, you are enabling, the kids are watching.

"He is cheating"? That's the problem in your eyes? This is a bigger problem than that, slightly. OP may have to leave him, buts it's an enormous tragedy for her and him. Been there.