Found some strange panty hose, it wasn't mine....

[Anonymous]

Finding the panty hose is the least of your worries. Mental break disappearances for weeks? I wish I could just say it is nothing, but he is cheating and not even hiding it. You know this, question is do you want to keep a blind eye to it or divorce? That seems to be your question here.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that he is a drug addict and using the hose for IV drug use. Check for other signs... Cheating may be the least of your worries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, who wears panty hose in this heat?

Exactly. Do women even wear pantyhose anymore and in the summer? I have a bag of jumbled pantyhose in the back of my closet that I rarely wear.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised nobody had really questioned this secret credit card and bank account. Have you demanded to see the statements? What's on them? If you don't know, why?

There are so many deal breakers in this story.

BTW, why does your teen DD have gay male friends that come over to your house wearing pantyhose?

[Anonymous]

Now, I have never accused him of cheating, and I in no way even went there today. A couple years ago, he lost interest in sex and I asked him if there was someone else, he said no, and we moved on. A year ago, he had a mental break, was gone for a month to 6 weeks (as in just left home, not in hospital), took off his ring, said I should divorce him, blah blah blah...this is in the wake of him having several mental breaks in which he takes off his ring, disappears for days to weeks, to who knows where (well, HOTELS actually)....he got better, is now in treatment, and we have been trying to rebuild ever since. Recently, as in months ago, I asked him again if he had cheated on me (at any time during these mental break disappearances, specifically the month-long disappearance). I asked because he was gone for so long, he took off his ring and didn't wear it for months, and then I discovered he had a secret credit card along with a bank account I don't have access to. He became very agitated and said "Why would I do that? Why would I do that?" Never looked me in the eye and just said, "No I didn't cheat on you."


OP, you have very much accused him of cheating. Asking if someone has cheated is the same thing as accusing them. You can argue semantics all you want (I asked, I didn't state it!), but if someone asked me if I had cheated, I'd assume they were accusing me. That's too fine a line around that topic.

I'm sorry about what you're going through and I sincerely hope that it gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised nobody had really questioned this secret credit card and bank account. Have you demanded to see the statements? What's on them? If you don't know, why?

There are so many deal breakers in this story.

BTW, why does your teen DD have gay male friends that come over to your house wearing pantyhose?

Question is, why shouldn't her teen DD have gay wearing whatever they want friends? What exactly is wrong with that??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Finding the panty hose is the least of your worries. Mental break disappearances for weeks? I wish I could just say it is nothing, but he is cheating and not even hiding it. You know this, question is do you want to keep a blind eye to it or divorce? That seems to be your question here.

why doesn't he man up and file for divorce?
why make your spouse's life worse and be so passive aggressive about it. I'd accuse him of constructive discharge before I'd accuse him of cheating. pft.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised nobody had really questioned this secret credit card and bank account. Have you demanded to see the statements? What's on them? If you don't know, why?

There are so many deal breakers in this story.

BTW, why does your teen DD have gay male friends that come over to your house wearing pantyhose?

Question is, why shouldn't her teen DD have gay wearing whatever they want friends? What exactly is wrong with that??

I think the point of PP's statement was that OP said she asked about her DD and DD's female friends - PP was noting that it could be male friends, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised nobody had really questioned this secret credit card and bank account. Have you demanded to see the statements? What's on them? If you don't know, why?

There are so many deal breakers in this story.

BTW, why does your teen DD have gay male friends that come over to your house wearing pantyhose?

Question is, why shouldn't her teen DD have gay wearing whatever they want friends? What exactly is wrong with that??

I think the point of PP's statement was that OP said she asked about her DD and DD's female friends - PP was noting that it could be male friends, too.

Correction: it was because OP notes the size was too big for her/DD but too small for DH. I had to go back and reread the thread. Oops!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying you shouldn't be suspicious, but at the same time it's disingenuous for you to say that you didn't say anything about him cheating. Pointing out you found another woman's pantyhose in your house is exactly that. Not saying you're wrong, but yes, you did bring it up.

her asking her spouse if knows about pantry hose is not wrong. She has a right to ask. Why wouldn't she ask? PP. you're wrong.

You misinterpreted my post. I totally think she should ask him about it. I also think saying she was feeling "just the usual feelings a woman feels when finding another women's underthings in her house" to him is absolutely bringing up the possibility of him cheating, and to claim she did no such thing is just silly, and yes, disingenuous.

Absolutely agree with this.

[Anonymous]

The comment about her DD's male gay friends wearing pantyhose makes me think this is creative writing. I mean, c'mon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The comment about her DD's male gay friends wearing pantyhose makes me think this is creative writing. I mean, c'mon.

And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it - I'm just saying it's highly unlikely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't be this much in denial. Is he abusive by any chance? I ask because I find it odd that you would keep the homefires burning while he's off on some 6 week ringless vacation from life. Also, you didn't straight out discuss it with him, which makes it seem like you are afraid. Or enabling.

Like I said, he is mentally ill and when he was gone it was due to his mental breakdowns. I didn't straight-out discuss it with him because I didn't get a chance to, since he immediately flew right off the handle as soon as I told him I had "feelings" about it. I would have had I been able to get that far but once he's in a tantrum you can't reason with him.

He seems so disruptive to the stability of your family. Does that worry you, OP. Your kids experiencing that over and over. And quite honestly, what kind of mental illness dictates ditching your ring and secret credit cards? Seriously that's a lot of presence of mind to then only have issues for short spurts of time.

It's what bipolar disorder does.

Thanks for being specific. Does he continue to go to work during these disappearances? I'm not doubting the illness, just the extreme behavior and over the top reactions.

Yes he does.

PP. Just came back to see this. OP, I feel like this is just a lot for you. Are you in therapy? The kids? Also would like to add that it sucks to have a job that makes you wear pantyhose! Sorry this is happening. I would drop this particular fight with him and think about your long term plan and options.

[Anonymous]

If this is real, its time to divorce.

secret credit cards? disappearances for weeks at a time (but healthy enough to go to work) and then blows up at you when you want to discuss it like any rational person would?


honestly, doesn't matter about the pantyhose or whether he's bipolar or not or having an affair or on drugs or all of that combined. this is not a red flag. your marriage is on fire and the house is going to burn down. get out now.

[Anonymous]

I have a bipolar spouse and have belonged to support groups for people with bipolar spouses, and it's not acceptable for your spouse to disappear or to act out like this. His meds are not right. Don't accept this as how life has to be. Your marriage is one-sided. His behaviors are slowly destroying you and definitely have a negative effect on your children. Ask for help.