Found some strange panty hose, it wasn't mine....

[Anonymous]

His prior behavior is extreme. He has given you no reason to trust him, and every reason to distrust him - and yet he gets defensive and gaslights you when you are feeling insecure or uneasy.

Based on past events, basic logic can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that you cannot trust him. That doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating, but it seems you cannot have any expectations of him as a partner or husband.

I guess I'm wondering how you've remained in this marriage, truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband disappears for weeks?? Is he on a bender?

He is mentally ill.

+1. You say "he got better... he is in treatment.". What was the diagnosis? Is he on any meds? Do you participate in therapy for his illness with him sometimes? The cyclic nature of his behavior is indicative of bipolar depression, which can be worsened if it is mis-diagnosed as straight depression and the patient is prescribed anti-depressants. The AD makes the mania cycle worse. Also, even when bipolar is properly medicated, the parient when euthymic (i.e. brought to normal mood) can feel guilt and shame for things done during mania. Therapy is necessary to deal with behavior and emotions and impact on family, even when properly medicated.

[Anonymous]

OP here...uh, ok, so you all think it was passive aggressive accusation. I was thinking of all the other things it could be before jumping to that conclusion, so I don't feel like it was any kind of accusation, and I am generally direct and not the passive-aggressive type. Nonetheless, that's not really the point or question of the post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband disappears for weeks?? Is he on a bender?

He is mentally ill.

+1. You say "he got better... he is in treatment.". What was the diagnosis? Is he on any meds? Do you participate in therapy for his illness with him sometimes? The cyclic nature of his behavior is indicative of bipolar depression, which can be worsened if it is mis-diagnosed as straight depression and the patient is prescribed anti-depressants. The AD makes the mania cycle worse. Also, even when bipolar is properly medicated, the parient when euthymic (i.e. brought to normal mood) can feel guilt and shame for things done during mania. Therapy is necessary to deal with behavior and emotions and impact on family, even when properly medicated.

Yes. Been there, done that.

[Anonymous]

Where else would they come from?

[Anonymous]

Oh honey, of course he cheated. You know and we know it. Why do you live with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where else would they come from?

My older daughters friends have come over and spent the night frequently, but no one dressed up recently. The younger ones play dress-up a lot with each other's clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying you shouldn't be suspicious, but at the same time it's disingenuous for you to say that you didn't say anything about him cheating. Pointing out you found another woman's pantyhose in your house is exactly that. Not saying you're wrong, but yes, you did bring it up.

DISAGREE.
Saying "these are not my pantyhose" is not accusing him of cheating. It is saying "These are not my pantyhose."

agree. he's the passive aggressive one not answering the question, trying to escalate a simple conversation and then gaslighting to accuse OP of asking a question.

anyhow, why hasn't he divorced you by now. it is clear he is not in to marriage if he's taking off his ring and abandoning his family for weeks on end.

I'd write him off, sit back and see how long he continues his show. And get your finances and life in order.

[Anonymous]

Disappearing for weeks at a time would be a complete deal breaker for me. Forget the pantyhose - they're minor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying you shouldn't be suspicious, but at the same time it's disingenuous for you to say that you didn't say anything about him cheating. Pointing out you found another woman's pantyhose in your house is exactly that. Not saying you're wrong, but yes, you did bring it up.

DISAGREE.
Saying "these are not my pantyhose" is not accusing him of cheating. It is saying "These are not my pantyhose."

agree. he's the passive aggressive one not answering the question, trying to escalate a simple conversation and then gaslighting to accuse OP of asking a question.

anyhow, why hasn't he divorced you by now. it is clear he is not in to marriage if he's taking off his ring and abandoning his family for weeks on end.

I'd write him off, sit back and see how long he continues his show. And get your finances and life in order.

Yes he is absolutely gaslighting. its CLASSIC.

[Anonymous]

Let's pretend that the pantyhose belong to OP, a daughter or a friends.

Isn't his over-reaction enough to make you think he is reacting to guilt about cheating?

[Anonymous]

You can't be this much in denial. Is he abusive by any chance? I ask because I find it odd that you would keep the homefires burning while he's off on some 6 week ringless vacation from life. Also, you didn't straight out discuss it with him, which makes it seem like you are afraid. Or enabling.

[Anonymous]

Yes, divorce him right away!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying you shouldn't be suspicious, but at the same time it's disingenuous for you to say that you didn't say anything about him cheating. Pointing out you found another woman's pantyhose in your house is exactly that. Not saying you're wrong, but yes, you did bring it up.

DISAGREE.
Saying "these are not my pantyhose" is not accusing him of cheating. It is saying "These are not my pantyhose."

agree. he's the passive aggressive one not answering the question, trying to escalate a simple conversation and then gaslighting to accuse OP of asking a question.

anyhow, why hasn't he divorced you by now. it is clear he is not in to marriage if he's taking off his ring and abandoning his family for weeks on end.

I'd write him off, sit back and see how long he continues his show. And get your finances and life in order.

This for sure, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...uh, ok, so you all think it was passive aggressive accusation. I was thinking of all the other things it could be before jumping to that conclusion, so I don't feel like it was any kind of accusation, and I am generally direct and not the passive-aggressive type. Nonetheless, that's not really the point or question of the post.

OP, I don't agree it was passive aggressive accusation. What you write about your discovery and your marriage suggests you don't trust your judgment and that you were genuinely trying to find a legitimate explanation for what you found.