Found some strange panty hose, it wasn't mine....

[Anonymous]

Pantyhose? Is this 1984? And in 90+ degrees?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't be this much in denial. Is he abusive by any chance? I ask because I find it odd that you would keep the homefires burning while he's off on some 6 week ringless vacation from life. Also, you didn't straight out discuss it with him, which makes it seem like you are afraid. Or enabling.

Like I said, he is mentally ill and when he was gone it was due to his mental breakdowns. I didn't straight-out discuss it with him because I didn't get a chance to, since he immediately flew right off the handle as soon as I told him I had "feelings" about it. I would have had I been able to get that far but once he's in a tantrum you can't reason with him.

He seems so disruptive to the stability of your family. Does that worry you, OP. Your kids experiencing that over and over. And quite honestly, what kind of mental illness dictates ditching your ring and secret credit cards? Seriously that's a lot of presence of mind to then only have issues for short spurts of time.

It's what bipolar disorder does.

A very common sympton of biplor disorder is hypersexuality, it's also true that many times people don't cleary remember these episodes.It's also true that sometimes they do, but are so ashamed and embarrassed by their manic behavior they deny it.

+1. My exDH had hypersexuality as part of his bipolar mania. I sympathize with you if you are looking at this as an illness and giving him time to seek help. But, especially with kids, your job is to put your own oxygen mask on first, because you are the only stable person for your kids. This means you need legal counsel ASAP to guide you as to how to protect yourself financially whether you stay married or not.

You need to have regular access to his credit report and know about all debts and accounts. You need to have regular contact with his psychaotrost and therapist in order to privide input about mood and participate in treatment.

bipolar is a difficult diagnosis because it is quite common that the patient is unable to accurately report moods and is thus misdignosed or treated. Also many doctors still prescribe anti-depressants to bipolars which can make the situation worse. It can be hard to find an effective mood stabilizer; patients often have to try multiple med combos before finding something effective. Bipolar patients often stop taking effective meds due to side effects or loss of the pleasant aspects of mania.

Read Burden of Sumpathy by Karp is you are struggling with your obligation to him. GEt support from NAMI - their Family to Family class is great. Sign up to bpso.org for online support - it's the best support anywhere for bipolar families.

Remember - you are trying to interact rationally with someone that is irrational. COnsider how long you can live like this while giving him a chance to get well. In the end, it doesn't really matter where the stockings came from. His hostility to discussing it is unacceptable. Same with his disappearances - whether he cheated or not is irrelevant - it's enough that he left, lied, etc. Same with the hidden finances.

Sadly, it sounds like it is likely you will need to end the relationship. But, he can still be part of the family in a different way and a good parent to the degree possible for him. That's what happened to us. Not what I hoped for from marriage, but the kids and I are safer and healthier now that he is out of the house.

This is great advice, OP. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

This guy disappears for weeks at a time, has a secret credit card and you're worried about panty hose????? Lady, you've got bigger problems here, even if he is cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, real Q: do you even wear pantyhose regularly? I don't, although I have a few pairs, but most importantly my teen doesn't have ANY. Does your DD? Or her friends? That doesn't seem plausible to me.

Yes, I do, I have a dress-code. The daughters wear them in winter, but only black or white tights. As for the friends, I thought maybe the male gay ones wore them, since they wear makeup too.....

Why would your DD's male friends take off their pantyhose and leave them in your house?
That's a whole nother can o' worms...
lots of worms here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's not cheating or a cross-dresser.

If he were, he wouldn't try to "hide" the pantyhose in your drawer, where you would find it.
He would hide it somewhere that you wouldn't easily find it. Believe me, I know.
If he was the one who put it into your drawer when doing laundry, then obviously he thought they were yours.

Yeah, but men don't typically keep a running mental inventory of dw's clothing. He found them in the house -wherever- and assumed they were OP's.

If I were having an affair, or I were cross-dressing... I would certainly recognize that pair of pantyhose and not assume they were OP's.
The only way he assumes they are OP's are they are hers or her daughters (or one of their friends). I'm telling you, if he had any inkling that they may incriminate him, they would not be in her drawer.
If here were crossdressing, he'd know that pair inside and out, literally.

Here's the thing, though: he doesn't allow her to confront him. He bullies her into submission and she can't even discuss things with him. Also, at this point, the hose are the least of their problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:....it doesn't belong to my daughters or their friends either. It was put away in my drawer as DH does the laundry sometimes. When I asked him about it, he said he didn't know, I asked my daughters they didn't know.

So this isn't really whats bothering me.....

He took me to work and I was silent in the car, just thinking, about my work day and wondering where the pantyhose came from. He texted me that I seemed upset and I replied,"Just the usual feelings one would feel when finding women's underthings in her house that don't belong to her." And he exploded into a tantrum about being accused and he won't sit here and be accused of something he hasn't done, the pantyhose didn't come from him and I need to question my daughters and their friends some more, and I need to think things through before jumping to conclusions (??) and on and on about he is so sick of being accused of cheating, he isn't a cheater, and never has been, etc. etc.......

Now, I have never accused him of cheating, and I in no way even went there today. A couple years ago, he lost interest in sex and I asked him if there was someone else, he said no, and we moved on. A year ago, he had a mental break, was gone for a month to 6 weeks (as in just left home, not in hospital), took off his ring, said I should divorce him, blah blah blah...this is in the wake of him having several mental breaks in which he takes off his ring, disappears for days to weeks, to who knows where (well, HOTELS actually)....he got better, is now in treatment, and we have been trying to rebuild ever since. Recently, as in months ago, I asked him again if he had cheated on me (at any time during these mental break disappearances, specifically the month-long disappearance). I asked because he was gone for so long, he took off his ring and didn't wear it for months, and then I discovered he had a secret credit card along with a bank account I don't have access to. He became very agitated and said "Why would I do that? Why would I do that?" Never looked me in the eye and just said, "No I didn't cheat on you."

So today, with his reaction, I am taking it that he HAS cheated on me, otherwise why would he get so immediately angry and defensive, when I hadn't even said a single thing about it, didn't accuse, didn't ask. I literally had not even arrived at a conclusion.......what would you think?

. I would think I'd lost my spine. Who gets to take weeks and month long mental breaks from marriage and expect to be allowed back? I have felt the flapjack in my own marriage. This inability to trust this man combined with other behavior problems will result in divorce for me. Secret credit card? Went to treatment? Treatment for what? Sex addiction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:....it doesn't belong to my daughters or their friends either. It was put away in my drawer as DH does the laundry sometimes. When I asked him about it, he said he didn't know, I asked my daughters they didn't know.

So this isn't really whats bothering me.....

He took me to work and I was silent in the car, just thinking, about my work day and wondering where the pantyhose came from. He texted me that I seemed upset and I replied,"Just the usual feelings one would feel when finding women's underthings in her house that don't belong to her." And he exploded into a tantrum about being accused and he won't sit here and be accused of something he hasn't done, the pantyhose didn't come from him and I need to question my daughters and their friends some more, and I need to think things through before jumping to conclusions (??) and on and on about he is so sick of being accused of cheating, he isn't a cheater, and never has been, etc. etc.......

Now, I have never accused him of cheating, and I in no way even went there today. A couple years ago, he lost interest in sex and I asked him if there was someone else, he said no, and we moved on. A year ago, he had a mental break, was gone for a month to 6 weeks (as in just left home, not in hospital), took off his ring, said I should divorce him, blah blah blah...this is in the wake of him having several mental breaks in which he takes off his ring, disappears for days to weeks, to who knows where (well, HOTELS actually)....he got better, is now in treatment, and we have been trying to rebuild ever since. Recently, as in months ago, I asked him again if he had cheated on me (at any time during these mental break disappearances, specifically the month-long disappearance). I asked because he was gone for so long, he took off his ring and didn't wear it for months, and then I discovered he had a secret credit card along with a bank account I don't have access to. He became very agitated and said "Why would I do that? Why would I do that?" Never looked me in the eye and just said, "No I didn't cheat on you."

So today, with his reaction, I am taking it that he HAS cheated on me, otherwise why would he get so immediately angry and defensive, when I hadn't even said a single thing about it, didn't accuse, didn't ask. I literally had not even arrived at a conclusion.......what would you think?

. I would think I'd lost my spine. Who gets to take weeks and month long mental breaks from marriage and expect to be allowed back? I have felt the flapjack in my own marriage. This inability to trust this man combined with other behavior problems will result in divorce for me. Secret credit card? Went to treatment? Treatment for what? Sex addiction?

. Clap back, defense etc not flapjack.

[Anonymous]

I felt the pancake too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying you shouldn't be suspicious, but at the same time it's disingenuous for you to say that you didn't say anything about him cheating. Pointing out you found another woman's pantyhose in your house is exactly that. Not saying you're wrong, but yes, you did bring it up.

her asking her spouse if knows about pantry hose is not wrong. She has a right to ask. Why wouldn't she ask? PP. you're wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've endured a special kind of abuse from this jerk for way too long...

He's sane enough to function normally at work, open secret bank accts etc, but too "mentally ill" to come home for 6-week periods ? Really? If this is coming from some therapist, that's soo sad, I've no words.

Run, while you still have some stability to hang on to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guy disappears for weeks at a time, has a secret credit card and you're worried about panty hose????? Lady, you've got bigger problems here, even if he is cheating.

Pretty much this, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying you shouldn't be suspicious, but at the same time it's disingenuous for you to say that you didn't say anything about him cheating. Pointing out you found another woman's pantyhose in your house is exactly that. Not saying you're wrong, but yes, you did bring it up.

her asking her spouse if knows about pantry hose is not wrong. She has a right to ask. Why wouldn't she ask? PP. you're wrong.

You misinterpreted my post. I totally think she should ask him about it. I also think saying she was feeling "just the usual feelings a woman feels when finding another women's underthings in her house" to him is absolutely bringing up the possibility of him cheating, and to claim she did no such thing is just silly, and yes, disingenuous.

[Anonymous]

It is not uncommon for men to have a pantyhose fetish. Maybe he uses them to jerk off. Maybe he wears them himself. If either, i can see why, out of shame, he'd get defensive when caught. My DH has jerked off holding one of my dresses. Wouldn't shock me if he bought one just for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serial killer

Close but my money is on bank robber.



Her disappears for weeks b/c he is on the lam. Thrives on the thrill of the heist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serial killer

Close but my money is on bank robber.



Her disappears for weeks b/c he is on the lam. Thrives on the thrill of the heist.

Case closed.