Women, cheating, and solidarity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you save any of his texts? You could take a screen shot and send to the wife.
You'd be surprised how much that happens.

I saved everything, but I have no desire to contact her out of the blue. Should she ever contact me for the truth or what I have to say I would happily share them with her. I was always surprised she never contacted me to ask me questions or question what her husband told her. It's alarming how a cheater gets caught and the wife just assumes what he has to say his 100% truth.

My husband cheated on me with his coworker. I know who she is and could contact her if I wanted. But I am not going to do that. Not because I believe my husband 100%, because that would be naïve to say the least. But because I wouldn't be able to trust her either and, frankly, I never want to see her or hear her name again. I read many of their emails to each other and my husband cannot claim he was an innocent victim and I have a good idea of what he was saying about me (not good things). I don't want to have her in my head at all. I'm not sure if I will stay married (I learned about the affair about four months ago). The thing I do struggle with is whether to tell her husband. He already accused her of the affair and she denied it (I know this because he threatened my husband), so he definitely is suspicious. But I am dealing with a lot right now and don't know if I gave it in me to open that can of worms.

Absolutely you need to tell her husband. The longer he stays in a fake marriage, more years he's wasted....same with you.

I can only suggest you try and get your ducks in a row, financially etc. and file divorce when it's a good time. I was told many years ago by my lawyer to let him think everything is ok, BUT secretly put money away. Get support from family etc. I filed divorce 2 years later when I was in a great position, best advice from a wonderful attorney.

Show all the emails and text to her husband. I would also get tested, same with him because who knows how many others he or she slept with. I am betting this is the only time you caught him, and he's probably still sleeping with her since they work together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thread about comfort level with DH's female friends got me thinking. There is a special place in hell for women who cheat with married men with young kids. I'm not excusing the husbands' behavior; they are unquestionably responsible, but there are two players in every affair. Maybe a 20 year old girl gets some kind of pass for being clueless about what new parenthood (or marriage or adulthood) is like. But holy heck, ladies, how about a little solidarity with our fellow moms? You may have your own baggage to deal with, but if you're even close to a boundary with a married recent father, couldn't you just pause for a minute to remember yourself as a new mom, have some empathy for his wife, and not make her already challenging few years complete misery?

I have to agree with this. An adult female who takes on the role of home wrecker is knowingly evil. I also agree about the 20 year olds not having a clue. I am ashamed to say that I was once one of these girls. Speaking for myself I truly did not realize what I was doing, the harm I caused. The guys wife tried to explain it to me - this made me feel guilty and remorseful but i still didn't "get it." As a young woman married with a baby and a cheating husband (my karma i know!) I "got it" - in more ways than one.

At least you admit you get it now, and seem to be sorry. btw Get rid of him, life is too short when there are truly good people out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I totally get what you are saying OP, I don't think that the "Other Woman" feels she owes anything to her lover's wife.

Cheating in itself is a truly selfish act.

I don't see how someone involved in this type of set-up would be thinking of anyone but themselves.

+100.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm a DW with a young child under 5 who cheated with a DH with a young child under 5. Guess we are both going to rot in hell...

At the very least you are two very selfish people who are imposing the burden of your selfishness on other people (your spouses and children at a minimum) without letting them choose that burden. And even if you believe your spouses deserve the burden (they don't, but I assume you rationalize otherwise), your kids certainly don't. So your guess seems pretty spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thread about comfort level with DH's female friends got me thinking. There is a special place in hell for women who cheat with married men with young kids. I'm not excusing the husbands' behavior; they are unquestionably responsible, but there are two players in every affair. Maybe a 20 year old girl gets some kind of pass for being clueless about what new parenthood (or marriage or adulthood) is like. But holy heck, ladies, how about a little solidarity with our fellow moms? You may have your own baggage to deal with, but if you're even close to a boundary with a married recent father, couldn't you just pause for a minute to remember yourself as a new mom, have some empathy for his wife, and not make her already challenging few years complete misery?

There are 3 players. The wife usually has some play in the affair as well and there are usually issues in the marriage. The husband shouldn't cheat, but rarely is the marriage without issues and RARELY is the wife an innocent party in the marital issues.

Statistically, cheating is a crime of opportunity and has nothing to do with the state of the marriage.

Please do the research before posting outdated stereotypes. And sure, all marriages - even happy ones - have issues. However, that is not what causes cheating. If it did, both partners would be cheaters.

You're wrong, there's another thread where someone posted a Newseek article on a study that rebukes that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thread about comfort level with DH's female friends got me thinking. There is a special place in hell for women who cheat with married men with young kids. I'm not excusing the husbands' behavior; they are unquestionably responsible, but there are two players in every affair. Maybe a 20 year old girl gets some kind of pass for being clueless about what new parenthood (or marriage or adulthood) is like. But holy heck, ladies, how about a little solidarity with our fellow moms? You may have your own baggage to deal with, but if you're even close to a boundary with a married recent father, couldn't you just pause for a minute to remember yourself as a new mom, have some empathy for his wife, and not make her already challenging few years complete misery?

There are 3 players. The wife usually has some play in the affair as well and there are usually issues in the marriage. The husband shouldn't cheat, but rarely is the marriage without issues and RARELY is the wife an innocent party in the marital issues.

Statistically, cheating is a crime of opportunity and has nothing to do with the state of the marriage.

Please do the research before posting outdated stereotypes. And sure, all marriages - even happy ones - have issues. However, that is not what causes cheating. If it did, both partners would be cheaters.

You're wrong, there's another thread where someone posted a Newseek article on a study that rebukes that

Each and everyone of you should watch this.

https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en

"Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic: because they threaten our emotional security. In infidelity, she sees something unexpected — an expression of longing and loss. A must-watch for anyone who has ever cheated or been cheated on, or who simply wants a new framework for understanding relationships."

"In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thread about comfort level with DH's female friends got me thinking. There is a special place in hell for women who cheat with married men with young kids. I'm not excusing the husbands' behavior; they are unquestionably responsible, but there are two players in every affair. Maybe a 20 year old girl gets some kind of pass for being clueless about what new parenthood (or marriage or adulthood) is like. But holy heck, ladies, how about a little solidarity with our fellow moms? You may have your own baggage to deal with, but if you're even close to a boundary with a married recent father, couldn't you just pause for a minute to remember yourself as a new mom, have some empathy for his wife, and not make her already challenging few years complete misery?

There are 3 players. The wife usually has some play in the affair as well and there are usually issues in the marriage. The husband shouldn't cheat, but rarely is the marriage without issues and RARELY is the wife an innocent party in the marital issues.

Statistically, cheating is a crime of opportunity and has nothing to do with the state of the marriage.

Please do the research before posting outdated stereotypes. And sure, all marriages - even happy ones - have issues. However, that is not what causes cheating. If it did, both partners would be cheaters.

You're wrong, there's another thread where someone posted a Newseek article on a study that rebukes that

Very true... Once you weed out the alcoholics, drug addict, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorder, 1in6 men that were sexually abused, 1 in3 women that were sexually abused, the physically and emotionally abused, and all the other untreated mental disorders, job loss, disabilities, cancer... That leaves you with completely psysically and mentally heLthy people that are unhappily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thread about comfort level with DH's female friends got me thinking. There is a special place in hell for women who cheat with married men with young kids. I'm not excusing the husbands' behavior; they are unquestionably responsible, but there are two players in every affair. Maybe a 20 year old girl gets some kind of pass for being clueless about what new parenthood (or marriage or adulthood) is like. But holy heck, ladies, how about a little solidarity with our fellow moms? You may have your own baggage to deal with, but if you're even close to a boundary with a married recent father, couldn't you just pause for a minute to remember yourself as a new mom, have some empathy for his wife, and not make her already challenging few years complete misery?

There are 3 players. The wife usually has some play in the affair as well and there are usually issues in the marriage. The husband shouldn't cheat, but rarely is the marriage without issues and RARELY is the wife an innocent party in the marital issues.

Statistically, cheating is a crime of opportunity and has nothing to do with the state of the marriage.

Please do the research before posting outdated stereotypes. And sure, all marriages - even happy ones - have issues. However, that is not what causes cheating. If it did, both partners would be cheaters.

You're wrong, there's another thread where someone posted a Newseek article on a study that rebukes that

Each and everyone of you should watch this.

https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en

"Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic: because they threaten our emotional security. In infidelity, she sees something unexpected — an expression of longing and loss. A must-watch for anyone who has ever cheated or been cheated on, or who simply wants a new framework for understanding relationships."

"In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence."

You agin, your comprehension issues are tiring. That is not what she is saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you save any of his texts? You could take a screen shot and send to the wife.
You'd be surprised how much that happens.

I saved everything, but I have no desire to contact her out of the blue. Should she ever contact me for the truth or what I have to say I would happily share them with her. I was always surprised she never contacted me to ask me questions or question what her husband told her. It's alarming how a cheater gets caught and the wife just assumes what he has to say his 100% truth.

My husband cheated on me with his coworker. I know who she is and could contact her if I wanted. But I am not going to do that. Not because I believe my husband 100%, because that would be naïve to say the least. But because I wouldn't be able to trust her either and, frankly, I never want to see her or hear her name again. I read many of their emails to each other and my husband cannot claim he was an innocent victim and I have a good idea of what he was saying about me (not good things). I don't want to have her in my head at all. I'm not sure if I will stay married (I learned about the affair about four months ago). The thing I do struggle with is whether to tell her husband. He already accused her of the affair and she denied it (I know this because he threatened my husband), so he definitely is suspicious. But I am dealing with a lot right now and don't know if I gave it in me to open that can of worms.

Absolutely you need to tell her husband. The longer he stays in a fake marriage, more years he's wasted....same with you.

I can only suggest you try and get your ducks in a row, financially etc. and file divorce when it's a good time. I was told many years ago by my lawyer to let him think everything is ok, BUT secretly put money away. Get support from family etc. I filed divorce 2 years later when I was in a great position, best advice from a wonderful attorney.

Show all the emails and text to her husband. I would also get tested, same with him because who knows how many others he or she slept with. I am betting this is the only time you caught him, and he's probably still sleeping with her since they work together.

Quoted PP here. I've been tested and he has a new job - I told him I couldn't consider staying if he kept working with her - and he's in individual counseling. It's rough. I guess right now I've been preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. As far as the other woman's husband, I'm just not sure. On the one hand, he totally deserves to know. On the other hand, he already thinks it happened and I'm wary of what else would happen if I reached out to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thread about comfort level with DH's female friends got me thinking. There is a special place in hell for women who cheat with married men with young kids. I'm not excusing the husbands' behavior; they are unquestionably responsible, but there are two players in every affair. Maybe a 20 year old girl gets some kind of pass for being clueless about what new parenthood (or marriage or adulthood) is like. But holy heck, ladies, how about a little solidarity with our fellow moms? You may have your own baggage to deal with, but if you're even close to a boundary with a married recent father, couldn't you just pause for a minute to remember yourself as a new mom, have some empathy for his wife, and not make her already challenging few years complete misery?

There are 3 players. The wife usually has some play in the affair as well and there are usually issues in the marriage. The husband shouldn't cheat, but rarely is the marriage without issues and RARELY is the wife an innocent party in the marital issues.

Statistically, cheating is a crime of opportunity and has nothing to do with the state of the marriage.

Please do the research before posting outdated stereotypes. And sure, all marriages - even happy ones - have issues. However, that is not what causes cheating. If it did, both partners would be cheaters.

You're wrong, there's another thread where someone posted a Newseek article on a study that rebukes that

Each and everyone of you should watch this.

https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en

"Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic: because they threaten our emotional security. In infidelity, she sees something unexpected — an expression of longing and loss. A must-watch for anyone who has ever cheated or been cheated on, or who simply wants a new framework for understanding relationships."

"In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence."

You agin, your comprehension issues are tiring. That is not what she is saying.

Me agin? I did not state what the speaker was saying, only to watch... and I pasted in the Ted Talk quotes. Tell me what I said she is saying, please. I found the video interesting, that is why I posted. Where do I post my opinion on it or make a statement?

[Anonymous]

Esther Perel looks like a tranny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Esther Perel looks like a tranny.

Trannys all around the world want to know what you think a "tranny" looks like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you save any of his texts? You could take a screen shot and send to the wife.
You'd be surprised how much that happens.

I saved everything, but I have no desire to contact her out of the blue. Should she ever contact me for the truth or what I have to say I would happily share them with her. I was always surprised she never contacted me to ask me questions or question what her husband told her. It's alarming how a cheater gets caught and the wife just assumes what he has to say his 100% truth.

My husband cheated on me with his coworker. I know who she is and could contact her if I wanted. But I am not going to do that. Not because I believe my husband 100%, because that would be naïve to say the least. But because I wouldn't be able to trust her either and, frankly, I never want to see her or hear her name again. I read many of their emails to each other and my husband cannot claim he was an innocent victim and I have a good idea of what he was saying about me (not good things). I don't want to have her in my head at all. I'm not sure if I will stay married (I learned about the affair about four months ago). The thing I do struggle with is whether to tell her husband. He already accused her of the affair and she denied it (I know this because he threatened my husband), so he definitely is suspicious. But I am dealing with a lot right now and don't know if I gave it in me to open that can of worms.

Absolutely you need to tell her husband. The longer he stays in a fake marriage, more years he's wasted....same with you.

I can only suggest you try and get your ducks in a row, financially etc. and file divorce when it's a good time. I was told many years ago by my lawyer to let him think everything is ok, BUT secretly put money away. Get support from family etc. I filed divorce 2 years later when I was in a great position, best advice from a wonderful attorney.

Show all the emails and text to her husband. I would also get tested, same with him because who knows how many others he or she slept with. I am betting this is the only time you caught him, and he's probably still sleeping with her since they work together.

Quoted PP here. I've been tested and he has a new job - I told him I couldn't consider staying if he kept working with her - and he's in individual counseling. It's rough. I guess right now I've been preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. As far as the other woman's husband, I'm just not sure. On the one hand, he totally deserves to know. On the other hand, he already thinks it happened and I'm wary of what else would happen if I reached out to him.

You're afraid of your husband's reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm a DW with a young child under 5 who cheated with a DH with a young child under 5. Guess we are both going to rot in hell...

At the very least you are two very selfish people who are imposing the burden of your selfishness on other people (your spouses and children at a minimum) without letting them choose that burden. And even if you believe your spouses deserve the burden (they don't, but I assume you rationalize otherwise), your kids certainly don't. So your guess seems pretty spot on.

+1

My sil's husband left her after 25 years for another woman he was seeing. Devastated her and the kids, entire family isn't the same today. That woman died 5 years later after they were married. Coincidental but her husband thought he was going to spend a lifetime with her. My sil was doing the jig when she found out, so were the grown kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Esther Perel looks like a tranny.

Trannys all around the world want to know what you think a "tranny" looks like?

Easy . A person that looks like a girl with humongous Adams apple and a voice like Howard Stern