Women, cheating, and solidarity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former OW here. I never wanted him to leave his wife. I was terrified of her finding out, his kids finding out, ruining their image of him as a father. I still feel intense guilt about the fact that she doesn't know this about him. But then I think maybe it's better for her since it's over, or maybe she sort of suspected but didn't dig in to find out.

There is a special place in hell for us though, and it's right here on earth. I fell deeply in love with him, but couldn't be with him. Even if he had wanted a divorce I wouldn't have wanted him that way, his kids heartbroken, his family tirn apart.

So I'm trying to accept life the way it is, let go and move on. But don't worry about OWs feeling no pain. I guarantee you from reading other boards we are mostly a miserable, self-loathing group trying to build self-esteem without the MM.

I agree ... Cheaters are very damaged human beings. Anxiety/depression/sexual abuse victims/physical abuse victims/addicts .... I wish more money would go into mental health research. So many damaged men and women out there .... it is really sad.

Like alcohol addicts they rarely get to the root of their problems and success in counseling is very low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. Happiness coming from within can just as easily hold the cheated on spouse to blame. After all, they should find happiness with and not blame others, right?

Interesting. So if, say, a burglar breaks into my home and steals my silver, or my DH decides to pawn it, I should blame myself? Because happiness comes from within?

I am increasingly convinced that you are incapable of rational thought.

Classic DCUM mistake, you are addressing more than one poster who disagrees with you.

And your logic makes no sense. Inatimate objects do not participate in relationships nor are men who have affairs "stolen" with zero culpability. You are flawed.

You are really the most ludicrous person. You just said that happiness comes from within, so if someone wrongs you, it is your fault. There is no way to blame anyone who actually acts against you. That is precisely what you said. And now you are trying to claim that I think "inanimate objects" are in relationships? WHAT?

I have, however, gone beyond thinking that you are irrational. I now think you are an especially moronic troll. There is no way that a person with an IQ over 75 would not understand the original analogy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There are certainly people who Drink because they are unhappy in their marriages. Men and women. There are also people who Drink for the hell of it. Men and women. Marriages do not go bad on their own. I think that people use these things to justify each other more often than appropriate. "I was unhappy so I drink" is certainly true some of the time. It is not victim blaming.


Or shoot heroin
Or gamble
Or eat

It's the marriage that causes all these ills of life.

You understand nothing about addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There are certainly people who Drink because they are unhappy in their marriages. Men and women. There are also people who Drink for the hell of it. Men and women. Marriages do not go bad on their own. I think that people use these things to justify each other more often than appropriate. "I was unhappy so I drink" is certainly true some of the time. It is not victim blaming.


Or shoot heroin
Or gamble
Or eat

It's the marriage that causes all these ills of life.

You understand nothing about addiction.

Yes I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. Happiness coming from within can just as easily hold the cheated on spouse to blame. After all, they should find happiness with and not blame others, right?

Interesting. So if, say, a burglar breaks into my home and steals my silver, or my DH decides to pawn it, I should blame myself? Because happiness comes from within?

I am increasingly convinced that you are incapable of rational thought.

Classic DCUM mistake, you are addressing more than one poster who disagrees with you.

And your logic makes no sense. Inatimate objects do not participate in relationships nor are men who have affairs "stolen" with zero culpability. You are flawed.

You are really the most ludicrous person. You just said that happiness comes from within, so if someone wrongs you, it is your fault. There is no way to blame anyone who actually acts against you. That is precisely what you said. And now you are trying to claim that I think "inanimate objects" are in relationships? WHAT?

I have, however, gone beyond thinking that you are irrational. I now think you are an especially moronic troll. There is no way that a person with an IQ over 75 would not understand the original analogy.

I did not say that!!! You are (mis)quoting me. You are quoting TWO posters and I AM NOT the poster who said happiness comes from within.

Stop assuming you are responding to one person. Multiple people respond here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There are certainly people who Drink because they are unhappy in their marriages. Men and women. There are also people who Drink for the hell of it. Men and women. Marriages do not go bad on their own. I think that people use these things to justify each other more often than appropriate. "I was unhappy so I drink" is certainly true some of the time. It is not victim blaming.


Or shoot heroin
Or gamble
Or eat

It's the marriage that causes all these ills of life.

You understand nothing about addiction.

Yes I do.

You said that marriage causes people to drink, shoot heroin, gamble and eat. Complete nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. Happiness coming from within can just as easily hold the cheated on spouse to blame. After all, they should find happiness with and not blame others, right?

Interesting. So if, say, a burglar breaks into my home and steals my silver, or my DH decides to pawn it, I should blame myself? Because happiness comes from within?

I am increasingly convinced that you are incapable of rational thought.

Classic DCUM mistake, you are addressing more than one poster who disagrees with you.

And your logic makes no sense. Inatimate objects do not participate in relationships nor are men who have affairs "stolen" with zero culpability. You are flawed.

You are really the most ludicrous person. You just said that happiness comes from within, so if someone wrongs you, it is your fault. There is no way to blame anyone who actually acts against you. That is precisely what you said. And now you are trying to claim that I think "inanimate objects" are in relationships? WHAT?

I have, however, gone beyond thinking that you are irrational. I now think you are an especially moronic troll. There is no way that a person with an IQ over 75 would not understand the original analogy.

You do realize more than one poster has submitted input and you aren't having a conversation with one person? Therefore you're the only moron here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There are certainly people who Drink because they are unhappy in their marriages. Men and women. There are also people who Drink for the hell of it. Men and women. Marriages do not go bad on their own. I think that people use these things to justify each other more often than appropriate. "I was unhappy so I drink" is certainly true some of the time. It is not victim blaming.


Or shoot heroin
Or gamble
Or eat

It's the marriage that causes all these ills of life.

You understand nothing about addiction.

Yes I do.

You said that marriage causes people to drink, shoot heroin, gamble and eat. Complete nonsense.

Wow. You are dense.

[Anonymous]

wow conservatives cheat LESS than liberals according to this study! This would explain why my caucasian liberal ex from seattle cheated on me, a mixed conservative girl from VA.

Gender. Men are more likely than women to commit infidelity, largely because men have more testosterone, which is responsible for the strong desire to have sex.
Personality. Those who have less conscientious and less agreeable personalities are more likely than people high on these traits to commit infidelity. (If you’re wondering about your own personality, try this assessment (link is external).
Religiosity and Political Orientation. Very religious people and those with a conservative political orientation are less likely than others to commit infidelity because they have more rigid values.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/more-chemistry/201403/why-people-cheat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. Happiness coming from within can just as easily hold the cheated on spouse to blame. After all, they should find happiness with and not blame others, right?

Interesting. So if, say, a burglar breaks into my home and steals my silver, or my DH decides to pawn it, I should blame myself? Because happiness comes from within?

I am increasingly convinced that you are incapable of rational thought.

Classic DCUM mistake, you are addressing more than one poster who disagrees with you.

And your logic makes no sense. Inatimate objects do not participate in relationships nor are men who have affairs "stolen" with zero culpability. You are flawed.

You are really the most ludicrous person. You just said that happiness comes from within, so if someone wrongs you, it is your fault. There is no way to blame anyone who actually acts against you. That is precisely what you said. And now you are trying to claim that I think "inanimate objects" are in relationships? WHAT?

I have, however, gone beyond thinking that you are irrational. I now think you are an especially moronic troll. There is no way that a person with an IQ over 75 would not understand the original analogy.

I did not say that!!! You are (mis)quoting me. You are quoting TWO posters and I AM NOT the poster who said happiness comes from within.

Stop assuming you are responding to one person. Multiple people respond here.

So you are the poster who produced the word salad about inanimate objects and culpability. Well, frankly, it doesn't matter that you personally didn't initially state the part about happiness coming from within, since you explicitly inserted yourself into a thread that began with that, incorporating it by reference.

But it still takes a special kind of irrationality to think that an analogy about someone treating another person poorly is somehow a statement that about inanimate objects being in relationships. And that is not a misquote at all - you said that the analogy was flawed because "Inatimate objects do not participate in relationships." That is a direct quote, and there is no backpedaling from it. Maybe you think that it makes sense, but again, it just doesn't. And let's not even get into the next part - "men who have affairs 'stolen' with zero culpability." Whatever.

I will try to use little words that even you can understand. The first post (which you didn't have to quote but chose to) said that because happiness comes from within, we can "hold the cheated on spouse to blame." I replied with a general and quite broad analogy about people mistreating others. The idea that it was theft was just an example of a type of betrayal of one person by another. Thus, I had a second example of someone pawning your valuables. I could have said, or someone murders your dog, or deliberately breaks a family heirloom, or hits you. Choose any example you like where one person (we'll call him the bad person) does something really awful to another person (we'll call him the nice person). If you think happiness coming from within means that the bad person is not only not responsible for causing pain to the nice person, but that the blame lies with the nice person, you have the most bizarre code of ethics ever.

But how nice that there are apparently two of you on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thread about comfort level with DH's female friends got me thinking. There is a special place in hell for women who cheat with married men with young kids. I'm not excusing the husbands' behavior; they are unquestionably responsible, but there are two players in every affair. Maybe a 20 year old girl gets some kind of pass for being clueless about what new parenthood (or marriage or adulthood) is like. But holy heck, ladies, how about a little solidarity with our fellow moms? You may have your own baggage to deal with, but if you're even close to a boundary with a married recent father, couldn't you just pause for a minute to remember yourself as a new mom, have some empathy for his wife, and not make her already challenging few years complete misery?

I have to agree with this. An adult female who takes on the role of home wrecker is knowingly evil. I also agree about the 20 year olds not having a clue. I am ashamed to say that I was once one of these girls. Speaking for myself I truly did not realize what I was doing, the harm I caused. The guys wife tried to explain it to me - this made me feel guilty and remorseful but i still didn't "get it." As a young woman married with a baby and a cheating husband (my karma i know!) I "got it" - in more ways than one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. Women on here are so clueless when it comes to why people cheat. You think "ethics" and "morals" is going to keep your DH home at night. Cheating is about opportunity but MOST men who have a fruitful life at home are not looking to seize on the opportunity. And some of you even refuse to acknowledge that your mate raised this issue before stepping out the door. You become humorless shrews and expect your DH to just sit there and take sex whenever you dole it out. If your DH or DW cheats, something is missing at home. Period!

Statistics? Please educate yourself on this. People (especially men) cheat even when happily married. Women who cheat are more likely looking for an exit affair - once that causes the implosion of the marriage. Men are just looking for an easy lay.

Right...because STATISTICS have the answer especially when they validate what women already think. Men and women alike cheat for the same reasons - because shit is not right at home. You and all those other wives can cite whatever statistics prove your point - but anyone who uses statistics as a reason that their marriage went South is delusional. If that is the case, your DH is ALWAYS one willing woman away from cheating no matter how well things are going. That does not sound like snake oil to you? If that is the case, marriage is a hopeless endeavor.

Not really, many cheat solely out of desire for variety, and men especially have no wish to divorce over what they see as a harmless diversion. Wife and family is one thing, extra sex is something entirely different and unrelated.

[Anonymous]

Hmmmm. Seems about right.


http://www.webmd.com/women/features/why-do-women-cheat

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm a DW with a young child under 5 who cheated with a DH with a young child under 5. Guess we are both going to rot in hell...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm a DW with a young child under 5 who cheated with a DH with a young child under 5. Guess we are both going to rot in hell...

Maybe. But if you are super careful and don't get caught you won't hurt the other people involved so maybe you catch a break for not getting caught.