Women, cheating, and solidarity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. Women on here are so clueless when it comes to why people cheat. You think "ethics" and "morals" is going to keep your DH home at night. Cheating is about opportunity but MOST men who have a fruitful life at home are not looking to seize on the opportunity. And some of you even refuse to acknowledge that your mate raised this issue before stepping out the door. You become humorless shrews and expect your DH to just sit there and take sex whenever you dole it out. If your DH or DW cheats, something is missing at home. Period!

Statistics? Please educate yourself on this. People (especially men) cheat even when happily married. Women who cheat are more likely looking for an exit affair - once that causes the implosion of the marriage. Men are just looking for an easy lay.

Right...because STATISTICS have the answer especially when they validate what women already think. Men and women alike cheat for the same reasons - because shit is not right at home. You and all those other wives can cite whatever statistics prove your point - but anyone who uses statistics as a reason that their marriage went South is delusional. If that is the case, your DH is ALWAYS one willing woman away from cheating no matter how well things are going. That does not sound like snake oil to you? If that is the case, marriage is a hopeless endeavor.

Every DH has met a willing woman, good men don't cheat, broken men do. So yes, every broken man is 1 willing woman away from cheating, not all Hs.

Happy men cheat, sorry your AP loves his wife. You are delusional.

LOL. That's funny. I am delusional, but you are telling me that men cheat for kicks and women cheat because they want the marriage to break up. What I am telling you that women and men cheat for similar reasons no matter what some statistics say. And you are relying on statistics when you have hundreds of examples right here in DCUM telling you otherwise. But go ahead and flourish with your statistics.

Oh, and I am an ex-wife that was cheated on.

You have made the classic DCUM mistake of thinking you are arguing with only one poster. You are incorrect (as you are about the rates of cheating in happy vs. unhappy marriages). I did not call you delusional, though I am the poster who said that women are more likely to seek exit affairs. In that regard, you are also misquoting me. Please note that "more likely" is not the same as always. As for the statistics: you claim that they definitely refuted by DCUM anecdotes. *sigh* Do not mistake anecdotes for research.

[Anonymous]

Please quote the people here justifying this sad sick lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. Women on here are so clueless when it comes to why people cheat. You think "ethics" and "morals" is going to keep your DH home at night. Cheating is about opportunity but MOST men who have a fruitful life at home are not looking to seize on the opportunity. And some of you even refuse to acknowledge that your mate raised this issue before stepping out the door. You become humorless shrews and expect your DH to just sit there and take sex whenever you dole it out. If your DH or DW cheats, something is missing at home. Period!

Statistics? Please educate yourself on this. People (especially men) cheat even when happily married. Women who cheat are more likely looking for an exit affair - once that causes the implosion of the marriage. Men are just looking for an easy lay.

Right...because STATISTICS have the answer especially when they validate what women already think. Men and women alike cheat for the same reasons - because shit is not right at home. You and all those other wives can cite whatever statistics prove your point - but anyone who uses statistics as a reason that their marriage went South is delusional. If that is the case, your DH is ALWAYS one willing woman away from cheating no matter how well things are going. That does not sound like snake oil to you? If that is the case, marriage is a hopeless endeavor.

Wtf are you talking about? And I honestly do not think you understand statistics.

Every DH has met a willing woman, good men don't cheat, broken men do. So yes, every broken man is 1 willing woman away from cheating, not all Hs.

Happy men cheat, sorry your AP loves his wife. You are delusional.

LOL. That's funny. I am delusional, but you are telling me that men cheat for kicks and women cheat because they want the marriage to break up. What I am telling you that women and men cheat for similar reasons no matter what some statistics say. And you are relying on statistics when you have hundreds of examples right here in DCUM telling you otherwise. But go ahead and flourish with your statistics.

Oh, and I am an ex-wife that was cheated on.

You have made the classic DCUM mistake of thinking you are arguing with only one poster. You are incorrect (as you are about the rates of cheating in happy vs. unhappy marriages). I did not call you delusional, though I am the poster who said that women are more likely to seek exit affairs. In that regard, you are also misquoting me. Please note that "more likely" is not the same as always. As for the statistics: you claim that they definitely refuted by DCUM anecdotes. *sigh* Do not mistake anecdotes for research.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please quote the people here justifying this sad sick lifestyle.

There are 3 players. The wife usually has some play in the affair....

Victim blaming is justifying this sick lifestyle.

These poor innocent men are just victims of their treacherous wife.

The OW sadly want to believe the men are victims and their soul mates and the wife is keeping them from their lovely life with their one true love... It is pathetic. When in reality the men are just so f'd up and unable to be a good partner to anybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please quote the people here justifying this sad sick lifestyle.

There are 3 players. The wife usually has some play in the affair....

Victim blaming is justifying this sick lifestyle.

These poor innocent men are just victims of their treacherous wife.

The OW sadly want to believe the men are victims and their soul mates and the wife is keeping them from their lovely life with their one true love... It is pathetic. When in reality the men are just so f'd up and unable to be a good partner to anybody.

This does not justify anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please quote the people here justifying this sad sick lifestyle.

There are 3 players. The wife usually has some play in the affair....

Victim blaming is justifying this sick lifestyle.

These poor innocent men are just victims of their treacherous wife.

The OW sadly want to believe the men are victims and their soul mates and the wife is keeping them from their lovely life with their one true love... It is pathetic. When in reality the men are just so f'd up and unable to be a good partner to anybody.

There are certainly people who cheat because they are unhappy in their marriages. Men and women. There are also people who cheat for the hell of it. Men and women. Marriages do not go bad on their own. I think that people use these things to justify each other more often than appropriate. "I was unhappy so I cheated" is certainly true some of the time. It is not victim blaming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please quote the people here justifying this sad sick lifestyle.

There are 3 players. The wife usually has some play in the affair....

Victim blaming is justifying this sick lifestyle.

These poor innocent men are just victims of their treacherous wife.

The OW sadly want to believe the men are victims and their soul mates and the wife is keeping them from their lovely life with their one true love... It is pathetic. When in reality the men are just so f'd up and unable to be a good partner to anybody.

There are certainly people who cheat because they are unhappy in their marriages. Men and women. There are also people who cheat for the hell of it. Men and women. Marriages do not go bad on their own. I think that people use these things to justify each other more often than appropriate. "I was unhappy so I cheated" is certainly true some of the time. It is not victim blaming.

But happiness comes from within. People are unhappy, but rather than fixing themselves, they blame the marriage or spouse. So if the marriage is unhappy, are both people bound to cheat? Nope. It is a personal flaw, not a marital one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thread about comfort level with DH's female friends got me thinking. There is a special place in hell for women who cheat with married men with young kids. I'm not excusing the husbands' behavior; they are unquestionably responsible, but there are two players in every affair. Maybe a 20 year old girl gets some kind of pass for being clueless about what new parenthood (or marriage or adulthood) is like. But holy heck, ladies, how about a little solidarity with our fellow moms? You may have your own baggage to deal with, but if you're even close to a boundary with a married recent father, couldn't you just pause for a minute to remember yourself as a new mom, have some empathy for his wife, and not make her already challenging few years complete misery?

Women are the most selfish back-stabbers there are, with no sense of honor.

Why would you expect them to honor each other's relationships?

[Anonymous]

Oh please. Happiness coming from within can just as easily hold the cheated on spouse to blame. After all, they should find happiness with and not blame others, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. Happiness coming from within can just as easily hold the cheated on spouse to blame. After all, they should find happiness with and not blame others, right?

Interesting. So if, say, a burglar breaks into my home and steals my silver, or my DH decides to pawn it, I should blame myself? Because happiness comes from within?

I am increasingly convinced that you are incapable of rational thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh please. Happiness coming from within can just as easily hold the cheated on spouse to blame. After all, they should find happiness with and not blame others, right?

Interesting. So if, say, a burglar breaks into my home and steals my silver, or my DH decides to pawn it, I should blame myself? Because happiness comes from within?

I am increasingly convinced that you are incapable of rational thought.

Classic DCUM mistake, you are addressing more than one poster who disagrees with you.

And your logic makes no sense. Inatimate objects do not participate in relationships nor are men who have affairs "stolen" with zero culpability. You are flawed.

[Anonymous]

There are certainly people who Drink because they are unhappy in their marriages. Men and women. There are also people who Drink for the hell of it. Men and women. Marriages do not go bad on their own. I think that people use these things to justify each other more often than appropriate. "I was unhappy so I drink" is certainly true some of the time. It is not victim blaming.


Or shoot heroin
Or gamble
Or eat

It's the marriage that causes all these ills of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you save any of his texts? You could take a screen shot and send to the wife.
You'd be surprised how much that happens.

I saved everything, but I have no desire to contact her out of the blue. Should she ever contact me for the truth or what I have to say I would happily share them with her. I was always surprised she never contacted me to ask me questions or question what her husband told her. It's alarming how a cheater gets caught and the wife just assumes what he has to say his 100% truth.

My husband cheated on me with his coworker. I know who she is and could contact her if I wanted. But I am not going to do that. Not because I believe my husband 100%, because that would be naïve to say the least. But because I wouldn't be able to trust her either and, frankly, I never want to see her or hear her name again. I read many of their emails to each other and my husband cannot claim he was an innocent victim and I have a good idea of what he was saying about me (not good things). I don't want to have her in my head at all. I'm not sure if I will stay married (I learned about the affair about four months ago). The thing I do struggle with is whether to tell her husband. He already accused her of the affair and she denied it (I know this because he threatened my husband), so he definitely is suspicious. But I am dealing with a lot right now and don't know if I gave it in me to open that can of worms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you save any of his texts? You could take a screen shot and send to the wife.
You'd be surprised how much that happens.

I saved everything, but I have no desire to contact her out of the blue. Should she ever contact me for the truth or what I have to say I would happily share them with her. I was always surprised she never contacted me to ask me questions or question what her husband told her. It's alarming how a cheater gets caught and the wife just assumes what he has to say his 100% truth.

My husband cheated on me with his coworker. I know who she is and could contact her if I wanted. But I am not going to do that. Not because I believe my husband 100%, because that would be naïve to say the least. But because I wouldn't be able to trust her either and, frankly, I never want to see her or hear her name again. I read many of their emails to each other and my husband cannot claim he was an innocent victim and I have a good idea of what he was saying about me (not good things). I don't want to have her in my head at all. I'm not sure if I will stay married (I learned about the affair about four months ago). The thing I do struggle with is whether to tell her husband. He already accused her of the affair and she denied it (I know this because he threatened my husband), so he definitely is suspicious. But I am dealing with a lot right now and don't know if I gave it in me to open that can of worms.

I'm the poster you are quoting. This is another reason I hesitate to contact anyone. As much as I'd like to set the record straight, I feel like I would be triggering a domino effect that I would have no control over once I set it into motion. Truly I couldn't care less about her husband being hurt by me contacting her, but it seems that so much could avalanche by me doing so and I do not want to drag innocent parties into a web of lies this man spun. I'm convinced he's a sociopath and will hurt others based on the scope of what he did.

Take care of yourself, PP.

[Anonymous]

Former OW here. I never wanted him to leave his wife. I was terrified of her finding out, his kids finding out, ruining their image of him as a father. I still feel intense guilt about the fact that she doesn't know this about him. But then I think maybe it's better for her since it's over, or maybe she sort of suspected but didn't dig in to find out.

There is a special place in hell for us though, and it's right here on earth. I fell deeply in love with him, but couldn't be with him. Even if he had wanted a divorce I wouldn't have wanted him that way, his kids heartbroken, his family tirn apart.

So I'm trying to accept life the way it is, let go and move on. But don't worry about OWs feeling no pain. I guarantee you from reading other boards we are mostly a miserable, self-loathing group trying to build self-esteem without the MM.