Reply to My DD told me that I am the maid

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]I don't know a lot of parents of older teens but I'm starting to wonder if 13 is actually the most hellish year for dealing with behavior, at least with respect to girls.[/quote]

I have ushered three kids through and past the age of 13, and, you are right, 13 is pretty much the worst. It does get better, even more so after 15.

I wish lots of strength and courage and patience to those of you still in the trenches of dealing with 13 year olds. You'll get through it!
[/quote]

OP here.  Wow it just is never-ending.  DH and younger DD are gone this morning, and the Princess gets up and goes to watch TV.  I say after she gets ready for basketball, and she says, "NO, I'm watching TV."  I took the remote, and calmly said, "you can watch after you are dressed".

I swear, here is where some parents who would say, "just take the remote/make her shovel snow" don't get it.  She got up and started fighting me for the remote.  She's bigger now than I am.  I walked out of the room with it, and she found another remote.  I said, calmly, "you are not watching TV" and she said, "YES I AM!" And I said "I will tell your dean about this when explaining why I'm pulling you from your school," (she's at a very challenging and prestigious school this year, but was at a nearby school and could go back there--I have voiced concerns that this school might be great academically but not as good as the nearby school in instilling the moral compass).

Anyways I remained calm and did manage to hide all remotes, and she ended up calling DH and crying about how mean I was (and he backed me--couldn't hear it all but really good stuff.)

I know I must "drop the rope" if only for the fact that she will soon be stronger than me.  But tell me, if I say no TV and she says "I AM WATCHING TV", if I then "drop the rope" and let her watch TV, how does that do anything but show her I'm a paper tiger?

I guess I should say "you watch now, and you will not watch again for a week"?   I guess that's the answer rather than fighting with her over the remote.  Yikes it's hard to think when you are in the moment--it took me writing this post to think of that seemingly obvious alternative.  My arm is shaking as I type.  It is really hard to be strategic in the moment.

So I guess my question to DCUM is, how to be able to think strategically in the moment?[/quote]

Don't threaten.  Anything you say, you follow through.

Don't get the remotes, disconnect the cords, and leave them disconnected for 24 hours.  Have her explain to everyone why nobody is watching anything.  I don't do delayed consequences for this type of thing, so no, I wouldn't do watch now, nothing for a week.

Never, ever, ever get into a grabbing match with a child even close to your size.

If she was told to get dressed for basketball and said she was watching TV, I would walk away without saying another word.  No reminder of what time it is, no reminder to get dressed.  I would be reading on my bed, and when she came to get me for my ride, my response would be that I was reading, I would be with her at the end of the chapter (and I would follow through).

I have a very, very hot temper, but the kids don't know that.  When I get annoyed or angry, I take deep breaths and consciously make my volume go down slowly.  If they want to know what I'm saying, they have to be quiet.  And I don't engage with anyone whose voice is raised.[/quote]

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