In shock - he cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did he feel about the other woman? Did he love her or was it more of a physical nature? I would be less concerned if he honestly had feelings for another woman and you at the same time while long-distance. That makes more sense to me than why he had so many flirtations going on at once. That seems to me more of a serial nature that may be hard to break for a 40-something year old. Also, this is key, did he LIE to you during these periods, like he was on a date with OW and told you that he was working late? Or did you have the type of distance relationship where you would go 48 hours without speaking and then just pick up where you left off vs. recounting what you did for the past two days? To me, these details are important because you are getting at the root of his character (the lying and serial cheating) vs. someone who fell for two people and took a while to make up his mind.

I see your thoughts here. The other woman was someone he had met ten years ago on a dating site after his divorce. She lived in a different state, and he saw her physically three times in ten years. They were mostly friendly, but things turned more romantic and personal around the time he and I met. He said he was keeping his options open in the early days of our relationship as we didn't know how things might work out with the distance. This I understand. I did the same. And we were both open about it. But after two years of knowing each other and one year of dating, we grew more serious, discussed being exclusive and then took two different paths: I remained true to him and committed, and he did not. He moved forward with our relationship, falling in love with me, proposing to me, making plans to relocate with me, but continuing to be in touch with this other woman. He said he cared about her, but did not love her, did not tell her he loved her, did not promise a future for them. Through emails I read I can see that she repeatedly asked to make the relationship more - to be GF/BF, to plan for a future, and he told her he couldn't do it and he cared for her but didn't want it repeatedly. Yet, he carried this on, both the emotional and physical when seeing her while we were committed and sadly even when we were engaged. While we were LDR, we spoke and texted daily, Skyped a few times a week. We saw each other every month. Yet obviously, we spent a lot of physical time apart. This I am sure is why it may have been so easy for him to have something else going on. It might even be a reason he felt he could keep it going.

We both need to find out if this is his true nature and character or a giant fuck-up on an otherwise unmarred "record."

so he was having a long distance affair with this woman while having a long distance relationship with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
For what it's worth OP - I am one of those people that generally think infidelity, over the course of a long relationship, can be forgiven. Humans aren't wired for monogamy, just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you aren't attracted to other people, you were long distance, people make mistakes, etc. So I generally lean towards giving people second chances if they are remorseful, truly made a mistake, and there is a great foundation to the relationship otherwise.

All that being noted, I don't see it worth it to you. Your reaction to this is catatonic. That's ok, we all react to infidelity in our own ways - some shrug, some are hurt but get over it, some see it as the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL, somehow worse than bankrupting the family on a gambling addiction. Do you really want to be in the role of mom/police woman to your new husband? Are you that viscerally disgusted by his touch (he had his penis in many women before you, his penis responds to all types of women, nothing personal). He needs to BCC you on all communications? You need that from him? You are treating him like a child, it may be "warranted" but it's not the foundation for an adult relationship.

All in all, with no kids in the picture, I just don't see it worth it - who wants to be in counselling during the honeymoon years? I agree with most posters that you should take some time and not make a decision with your emotional brain, but I just don't see you getting fully past all this given your reaction and take on infidelity in general.

As a survivor of infidelity, I have to strongly disagree with this poster. You JUST found out. Your immediate reaction is only that - immediate. You should not make any decisions today. Time is on your side. First you have to recover from the shock of it, and then you can start to recover from the infidelity. This notion that you should be able to shrug it off quickly if your marriage is to survive in a crock.

As for being in the role of mom/police - absolutely, you can and should do that until you feel safe again. All these people acting as if it is the most intrusive thing ever are completely ignorant as to how one heals from infidelity. I personally didn't need to see my DH's emails and texts after the first few weeks - it was enough that I knew he would show them to me if I asked.

Please go to www.survivinginfidelity.com for support. Their collective experiences make them far more understanding of what you are going through than the vast majority of people on this board.

Take care of yourself, and good luck!

[Anonymous]

There's no way to truly have access to all of his stuff. If he wants to cheat, he'll find a way.

There are lots of people who have second (or third) phones that their spouses dont know about because they never take them home. He could access certain stuff at work, library, anywhere there is free WiFi, etc.

I think you really have to decide whether or not you can trust him again and take the risk.

[Anonymous]

Has he cheated in other, prior relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no way to truly have access to all of his stuff. If he wants to cheat, he'll find a way.

There are lots of people who have second (or third) phones that their spouses dont know about because they never take them home. He could access certain stuff at work, library, anywhere there is free WiFi, etc.

I think you really have to decide whether or not you can trust him again and take the risk.

OP here. I absolutely agree. I asked him the exact same questions - how do I know you wouldn't find ways to connect with other women, women you know or women you don't know, and do this again, behind my back? How do I know you wouldn't just open a new email account or buy a second phone and do this all over again, but with a better sense of how to hide it? He answered saying he doesn't know how to prove it me other than stating he would never, ever do this again. And that he knows the only way I would believe him is to learn to trust him again and see it through his actions, words and commitment to improving himself and doing what he can to make things work.

I want to believe. I really, really do. But I am so shocked and hurt from what I discovered, and knowing I can't implicitly trust him at this time, I'm just not convinced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he cheated in other, prior relationships?

He says he has not cheated in the past. Of course, now I feel I can't be certain of any of that. However, he dated his first wife all through college, married young and divorced after ten years of marriage. Then was single for 6 or 7 years before we met. During the single stage, he dated women, some casually some more seriously, but no one serious enough to introduce to family or seriously talk about the future with. So other than more casual relationships, in his life he's had two LTRs, with wife #1 and with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My therapist thought I had done my husband a disservice by telling him about my second affair. I didn't want there to be any secrets any more. But she said that was my cross to bear, and I should not have placed that burden on him.

I believe your therapist was correct. More often than not the person doing the confessing does so to shed some of the burden. The pain inflicted on the 'injured' party is not worth it if you are in fact going to work to remove yourself from the affair and seek the help needed to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
For what it's worth OP - I am one of those people that generally think infidelity, over the course of a long relationship, can be forgiven. Humans aren't wired for monogamy, just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you aren't attracted to other people, you were long distance, people make mistakes, etc. So I generally lean towards giving people second chances if they are remorseful, truly made a mistake, and there is a great foundation to the relationship otherwise.

All that being noted, I don't see it worth it to you. Your reaction to this is catatonic. That's ok, we all react to infidelity in our own ways - some shrug, some are hurt but get over it, some see it as the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL, somehow worse than bankrupting the family on a gambling addiction. Do you really want to be in the role of mom/police woman to your new husband? Are you that viscerally disgusted by his touch (he had his penis in many women before you, his penis responds to all types of women, nothing personal). He needs to BCC you on all communications? You need that from him? You are treating him like a child, it may be "warranted" but it's not the foundation for an adult relationship.

All in all, with no kids in the picture, I just don't see it worth it - who wants to be in counselling during the honeymoon years? I agree with most posters that you should take some time and not make a decision with your emotional brain, but I just don't see you getting fully past all this given your reaction and take on infidelity in general.

As a survivor of infidelity, I have to strongly disagree with this poster. You JUST found out. Your immediate reaction is only that - immediate. You should not make any decisions today. Time is on your side. First you have to recover from the shock of it, and then you can start to recover from the infidelity. This notion that you should be able to shrug it off quickly if your marriage is to survive in a crock.

As for being in the role of mom/police - absolutely, you can and should do that until you feel safe again. All these people acting as if it is the most intrusive thing ever are completely ignorant as to how one heals from infidelity. I personally didn't need to see my DH's emails and texts after the first few weeks - it was enough that I knew he would show them to me if I asked.

Please go to www.survivinginfidelity.com for support. Their collective experiences make them far more understanding of what you are going through than the vast majority of people on this board.

Take care of yourself, and good luck!

+1 This PP is spot on. It takes time to reclaim the trust and forgive. Give yourself time to think, find your way to heal. If and only then you feel you gave it a chance and don't think you can forgive and move on a year or more later, then you might reconsider your choice. Sorry this happened to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you've got a shot at making this work. He seems truly remorseful and willing to do therapy, and sincerely wants to make it work. At least that's how it comes across in your posts.

Of course you don't and probably shouldn't make a decision now. It would be so nice to have a crystal clear path ahead that you know you must take. Unfortunately, that's not going to be possible and that's one thing he's taken from you. And that's sad, and difficult to deal with.

But still, I think there's a chance. Whatever you do, I wish you the best. I wish you strength and confidence in yourself. And I wish you get the life you deserve. Whether it's with your husband or apart. Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I can understand how an LDR seems peculiar to some. It is definitely atypical. However, it was a very real relationship that built slowly, organically. We met on vacation, hit it off, and returned to our homes, across the country from one another. We spent one year getting to know each other over text, email, phone. The friendship deepened and a year after meeting, we had a first date. The romance deepened and we dated, cautiously planning our future for two years. Then we got engaged, relocated, lived together, got married. We've known each other for 5 years, and been dating/engaged/married for 4.

I am curious at what point you explicitly spoke about not seeing other people, because I still think you are overreacting, and an appointment with a therapist is a step in the right direction. It sounds like you risk losing a lot by walking out.

[Anonymous]

Somewhat related to OP's post - is there some value in accepting that your partner might cheat one day so you are mentally prepared to accept it? Cheating is incredibly common, the chances that your long term marriage will remain faithful till death are not great. I know I sound like a pessimist, but I just assume there is a chance my DW might mess up. I told her if she did, I don't want to know, unless it means she wants out of the marriage. Or maybe I just don't see sex as that big of a deal (maybe I should be a swinger).

Just a thought, but it seems so extreme to toss out a good relationship over something so common as infidelity, especially since he cheated when they were long distance. If it's just sex, and he wasn't sincerely declaring his love for this OW, it doesn't seem worth the mental anguish that OP is going through.

[Anonymous]

So he was engaged to you, but pretended he was single to another woman, so he could secretly have sex with her?

That seems pretty calculated and selfish.

I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somewhat related to OP's post - is there some value in accepting that your partner might cheat one day so you are mentally prepared to accept it? Cheating is incredibly common, the chances that your long term marriage will remain faithful till death are not great. I know I sound like a pessimist, but I just assume there is a chance my DW might mess up. I told her if she did, I don't want to know, unless it means she wants out of the marriage. Or maybe I just don't see sex as that big of a deal (maybe I should be a swinger).

Just a thought, but it seems so extreme to toss out a good relationship over something so common as infidelity, especially since he cheated when they were long distance. If it's just sex, and he wasn't sincerely declaring his love for this OW, it doesn't seem worth the mental anguish that OP is going through.

This goes both ways. On the one hand, you'd think you'd be able to forgive something that was casual. On the other hand, you've got to figure that the cheater put everything he with you in jeopardy just to get some casual sex. How do you risk so much for so little? For many, the casual part of it would make it worse than if it were a real relationship.

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP?

I was cheated on in a long distance relationship. It stopped before he moved and we were discussing marriage. As we got closer to that point I realized this was not a man I wanted to be married to. Whether or not he would ever cheat on me again I and my family/friends would never respect him again.

This is a very personal decision. Now that I know how hard it is to be married with children I would never embark on parenthood with someone who cheats before marriage or kids. It will only get worse with the stress of life. FWIW I don't buy his bull about you weren't in a committed relationship. YOU WERE ENGAGED. He is minimizing his actions and betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the same time, the humiliation and fear of telling family and friends and starting over is overwhelming.

OP, I just wanted to address this one other point. You've done nothing shameful. If you end up needing to leave, or otherwise want to discuss this with friends and family, do not take his shame on yourself. As is abundantly clear from your original post, you're not responsible for his behavior.

That is kind of you to say. Thank you. I do feel deeply ashamed and humiliated that this happened. I know it is not my fault, but I feel conned and wronged.

I put all of my faith and trust in someone who was extremely cavalier with my feelings and absolutely selfish with theirs. It makes me feel like I can't trust myself and my decisions. We have been married for such a very short time. I have just finished the process of changing my surname to his. All I think about is that if this is done, I will have to back through this entire painful process of changing my name back. Professionally, I honestly feel that I would need to change jobs if we divorced. I'm still receiving congrats messages from coworkers seeing I am using a new sender name/email address. I couldn't face my coworkers and everyone knowing I was in a marriage that was over before it began. I dread facing family and friends. I wonder what I would do and where I would go. I was able to transfer my job when we moved to our city (we moved for his job), which is fortunate, but I am still new to the city, have only a few friends here, no family, no other ties. Where would I go? Would I stay here where I could run into him and where we have all these memories? Do I return to where I used to live, a place I enjoyed but was happy to leave behind for a new start with him? I don't want to talk to anyone in my life about this because I don't know what I am going to do and I am so horribly humiliated.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel and I have been there. I found out my husband had an emotional affair a few years ago with a woman that I did not even know existed. They were not physical (she lives in another city) but I found a large number of inappropriate messages to her that spanned years. I was shocked by the lies and the deception - all from a man that I fully trusted. I also felt humiliated, furious, and devastated. I also felt completely alone because I did not tell anyone what happened.

When I confronted him, he reacted with deep remorse and panic because he did not want our marriage to end. He found us a marriage counselor and we both went into individual counseling. The counseling was critical because it gave us a safe place to express our feelings, and allowed me to talk to someone about what I was going through. I did not talk to any family or friends about the issue because I knew they would never forgive him and I did not know whether I was going to stay with him. We had/have children so it was a difficult decision.

We are ultimately still together but it took a lot of work. Believe it or not, we are happy today, but I am a different person and I still look at him differently. If we did not have kids at the time, I probably would have left.