In shock - he cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not an uncommon story. You'd be surprised how many men rationalize that cheating isn't cheating until they say "I Do"

Agree it's not uncommon. I worked in a male dominated office and knew quite a few guys who had this philosophy. After getting married, some stayed faithful, some didn't.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you again for taking the time to provide your input. It is extremely helpful to me to have the forum as a sounding board. I have made an appointment with a therapist, individually, for Friday. I'm just trying to hold on between the board, talking to my husband, and managing my own thoughts until then.

I can understand how an LDR seems peculiar to some. It is definitely atypical. However, it was a very real relationship that built slowly, organically. We met on vacation, hit it off, and returned to our homes, across the country from one another. We spent one year getting to know each other over text, email, phone. The friendship deepened and a year after meeting, we had a first date. The romance deepened and we dated, cautiously planning our future for two years. Then we got engaged, relocated, lived together, got married. We've known each other for 5 years, and been dating/engaged/married for 4.

This is his second marriage, my first. He married young and has been divorced for ten years. He did not cheat on his first wife. I'm of course not sure if I can believe him anymore, but I am inclined to as there was a larger issue (a personal issue she had) that led to dissolution.

The OW who contacted me was I'm sure doing it out of spite and hurt. She felt wronged and wanted him or me or anyone, maybe, to feel pain too. Perhaps she was simply trying to "do the right thing." and honestly believed she would do some good. From comments here I know a lot of people feel if in these shoes they'd want to know. Others say they wouldn't want to know. I go back and forth. The news has potentially ruined my marriage and life. Is it better I know it or better if I never knew? I'm not sure. Mostly, because I am not sure what I want to do. For this woman, maybe she will grapple with her decision for some time. She may have regrets. I obviously can't waste my time thinking about her motives or emotional state. I have not and will not communicate with her. Both he and the she claimed they have not been in touch since he told her goodbye and that he wouldn't be in touch anymore, and relocated with me. I do believe this. As I had access to his email account, it's been fact checked.

He is remorseful and claims it is all in the past and moving here, living together and marrying me was him changing from an old life and person he disliked to the person he wants to be and the future he wants. He says he realizes he has a serious issue to deal with and he wants to deal with it and will do everything in his power to rebuild my trust and show me he is the person I once thought he was. I am not sure if I believe him or if he is saying these things because he doesn't want to lose me. I just don't know at this point.

However, to that end, we are scheduling marriage counseling. He is also scheduling individual counseling. Regardless of what happens in the end, we now both desperately need counseling, as a couple and as individuals. Although we of course had safe sex conversations during our relationship and have been checked, we are both re-testing for STIs this week. He will be contacting any exes he has had flirtations with over email or text to wish them well and establish no contact. He's closing his separate email account where he had had communications with old flames. He will be changing his cell phone number and importing only contacts who are family or friends. He will show evidence of all of this (BCC on emails, sitting together to import contacts) to me, and he will give me free reign access to his email or cell whenever I may request it. Not because I am trying to be a nosy mother, but because he realizes I have no reason to trust him right now and he needs and wants to show me he is sealing off this old life and trying to change. Whether this works out or not, I think these steps are good for him as an individual. If I remain in this marriage, I will need to see proof of his commitment to me. Sadly, this now includes complete transparency with things that typically are personal (emails, texts, shit you google). If I leave him, perhaps him going through these steps and winding up in this place will be a reminder not to be so cavalier with someone in the future.

I still don't know if I will stay and try to save the marriage or if I will leave him. I can't parse whether this is something you can recover from or if it is the writing on the wall and I'm a fool to stay. We're sleeping separately and I now dread having to go home to the house and husband I was so incredibly proud of. I'm thinking of going out of town alone this weekend because just can't imagine spending a weekend with him running errands and keeping plans we had. I'm traveling for business next week and am relieved to have time away. Selfishly, I want him to feel what it would be like if I left him and he was all alone. Mostly, I just feel very hurt and lost. I feel both repulsed by the thought of him holding my hand again and desperate for him to hold me. It is a completely bizarre feeling and an entirely fucked up situation. I am so, so sorry for anyone who has to go through this. I can't believe I went from being a PP giving advice to people who were cheated on to posting my own fucking cliché post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks from OP. It is helpful to read through these messages. I am too ashamed and it is too new for me to talk to anyone in my life right now. I contacted my EAP program to set up an individual counseling session and couples therapy. DH has said he will go to individual counseling as well. My goal is to hang on to the boards and my thoughts for a few days until I can get an appointment.

I keep looking at this from two angles -- #1. He was wrong and indiscreet and did it as a last hurrah before getting married. Now that we are physically in the same city, sharing a home, and now married, and it is all "real," he has left that side behind and is focused on us and our future. Or angle #2. All of #1 plus he is a pathological liar who cannot be trusted.

I honestly feel like I do not know who I married. When we talked last night, I felt like I was talking to a stranger or that I was watching an awful Lifetime movie. I can't believe I put everything on the line for him and gave him my absolute trust, and he has destroyed everything. If I leave, he understands that I am a 100% clean break type of person. He knows if I leave him I will wipe all traces of him from my life and never speak to him again. But I have been here before, coming out of bad breakups with two serious BFs where I cut all ties immediately, and while it was a good high road to take, it took me years to personally recover and open my heart.

Right now I feel like I wasted four years of my life. As wonderful as our best times have been, today I wish I had never met him. It sounds dramatic, but I feel like he has ruined so much. He has ruined what I had thought was a happy past. He has clearly ruined the present, what is supposed to be our honeymoon phase and new life. And he has most likely ruined our future. Moreover, whether this works out with him or not, I feel like his behaviors have impacted my future, individually. Either I stay and always feel worried he is being unfaithful, or I leave and always wonder if it was a mistake to do so. And I worry that his actions might wind up ruining my chances of being a mother. Clearly, we will put baby making on hold. But I'm looking towards the south side of my 30s -- if we put it off and stay together it may never happen for us as we get older. Will I always resent him for that? If I leave and start over, I may never find someone to partner with and parent with. And the resentment and anger would only grow. Either way I just lose.

24 hours ago my world was fantastic and now it is a heap of absolute shit.

See the bolded. Flash forward 5-10 years. Once you have kids it will be impossible to cut ties and never talk to him again.

I am the same type of person. But- what sucks you can't so that when kids and custody are involved.

You are newly married with no kids. This is not the best start to a marriage. This is the time it's the easiest.

That said--the bar for me to stay at your stage would be much higher and my advice much different than I'd give somebody with kids and many years of marriage.

+1. As one who found out about the cheating and lies only after we had kids and did try to stay together for about 2 years while I waited to see if he could get help and understand what he did -- don't discount the damage that having to stay tied to this person will cause. Although it sounds easy -- we can get divorced, maybe he will be a good dad even with split custody, etc. The reality is that this kind of behavior is indicative of deep personal problems. Continuing be tied to such a person thru shared custody -- well, it's like being forced to stay with a domestic abuser and take a punch every now and then. It's deeply personally corrosive to the victim. I wish dearly that I had know before having kids what I found out after. My life would be vastly different in such a positive way. I say this despite the fact that I have kids with this man; kids whom I love dearly. And the damage his ongoing flawed behavior casts on them; well, that also makes me sad for them.

Honestly, count your blessings that you have found this out now and can dodge the bullet.

BTW, when I told my family I was kicking my spouse out and exactly the reasons why, my brother called me "brave". He said it took incredible courage to see the situation for what it was and not what I wish it had been. Family and friends have been nothing but supportive.

Live your life with your eyes wide open.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you again for taking the time to provide your input. It is extremely helpful to me to have the forum as a sounding board. I have made an appointment with a therapist, individually, for Friday. I'm just trying to hold on between the board, talking to my husband, and managing my own thoughts until then.

I can understand how an LDR seems peculiar to some. It is definitely atypical. However, it was a very real relationship that built slowly, organically. We met on vacation, hit it off, and returned to our homes, across the country from one another. We spent one year getting to know each other over text, email, phone. The friendship deepened and a year after meeting, we had a first date. The romance deepened and we dated, cautiously planning our future for two years. Then we got engaged, relocated, lived together, got married. We've known each other for 5 years, and been dating/engaged/married for 4.

This is his second marriage, my first. He married young and has been divorced for ten years. He did not cheat on his first wife. I'm of course not sure if I can believe him anymore, but I am inclined to as there was a larger issue (a personal issue she had) that led to dissolution.

The OW who contacted me was I'm sure doing it out of spite and hurt. She felt wronged and wanted him or me or anyone, maybe, to feel pain too. Perhaps she was simply trying to "do the right thing." and honestly believed she would do some good. From comments here I know a lot of people feel if in these shoes they'd want to know. Others say they wouldn't want to know. I go back and forth. The news has potentially ruined my marriage and life. Is it better I know it or better if I never knew? I'm not sure. Mostly, because I am not sure what I want to do. For this woman, maybe she will grapple with her decision for some time. She may have regrets. I obviously can't waste my time thinking about her motives or emotional state. I have not and will not communicate with her. Both he and the she claimed they have not been in touch since he told her goodbye and that he wouldn't be in touch anymore, and relocated with me. I do believe this. As I had access to his email account, it's been fact checked.

He is remorseful and claims it is all in the past and moving here, living together and marrying me was him changing from an old life and person he disliked to the person he wants to be and the future he wants. He says he realizes he has a serious issue to deal with and he wants to deal with it and will do everything in his power to rebuild my trust and show me he is the person I once thought he was. I am not sure if I believe him or if he is saying these things because he doesn't want to lose me. I just don't know at this point.

However, to that end, we are scheduling marriage counseling. He is also scheduling individual counseling. Regardless of what happens in the end, we now both desperately need counseling, as a couple and as individuals. Although we of course had safe sex conversations during our relationship and have been checked, we are both re-testing for STIs this week. He will be contacting any exes he has had flirtations with over email or text to wish them well and establish no contact. He's closing his separate email account where he had had communications with old flames. He will be changing his cell phone number and importing only contacts who are family or friends. He will show evidence of all of this (BCC on emails, sitting together to import contacts) to me, and he will give me free reign access to his email or cell whenever I may request it. Not because I am trying to be a nosy mother, but because he realizes I have no reason to trust him right now and he needs and wants to show me he is sealing off this old life and trying to change. Whether this works out or not, I think these steps are good for him as an individual. If I remain in this marriage, I will need to see proof of his commitment to me. Sadly, this now includes complete transparency with things that typically are personal (emails, texts, shit you google). If I leave him, perhaps him going through these steps and winding up in this place will be a reminder not to be so cavalier with someone in the future.

I still don't know if I will stay and try to save the marriage or if I will leave him. I can't parse whether this is something you can recover from or if it is the writing on the wall and I'm a fool to stay. We're sleeping separately and I now dread having to go home to the house and husband I was so incredibly proud of. I'm thinking of going out of town alone this weekend because just can't imagine spending a weekend with him running errands and keeping plans we had. I'm traveling for business next week and am relieved to have time away. Selfishly, I want him to feel what it would be like if I left him and he was all alone. Mostly, I just feel very hurt and lost. I feel both repulsed by the thought of him holding my hand again and desperate for him to hold me. It is a completely bizarre feeling and an entirely fucked up situation. I am so, so sorry for anyone who has to go through this. I can't believe I went from being a PP giving advice to people who were cheated on to posting my own fucking cliché post.

As you know from the many threads about infidelity, remorse isn't always present, nor is a willingness to do whatever it takes to make things right and rebuild trust. So it's a good sign that he's at least ready and willing to do the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in desperate need of some support and advice. In the past 24 hours, I found out that my new DH has been unfaithful to me, engaging in a physical/emotional fling with one woman and online flirtations with others before we were married. I am in shock, that lucid, unfeeling state where you can't exactly feel emotion. I have no idea whether I should stay or go.

What you describe isn't "lucid" at all -- rather the exact opposite.

What OP describes to me is that "dissociative" state that many victims of trauma go through. In the past 5-10 years, the psychological literature has come to see infidelity as having a kind of traumatic effect. Many psychologists treat victims of infidelity as if they had some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder. Dissociation, numbness, feelings of unreality, shock, hyper vigilance, withdrawal from friends, activities, flashbacks, ruminative thinking, all are classic signs of trauma.

Infidelity, like other major traumas, causes a break in a main cultural concept of safety -- we are raised to think that "family" is our safe place, the place that we can count on safety and assistance. When an incident causes a person to realize that our concept of a basic underlying tenet of societal organization isn't actually true, it can be very traumatic. Typically, the victim of trauma really needs assistance thinking thru the incident and re-framing their concept of the way the world works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He is remorseful and claims it is all in the past and moving here, living together and marrying me was him changing from an old life and person he disliked to the person he wants to be and the future he wants. He says he realizes he has a serious issue to deal with and he wants to deal with it and will do everything in his power to rebuild my trust and show me he is the person I once thought he was. I am not sure if I believe him or if he is saying these things because he doesn't want to lose me. I just don't know at this point.

He may very well want to be a different person and want to stay with you. But, the bolded part is a huge red flag. He is telling you that the person he is is not the person you thought you married. He is telling you that he has so little self-control, self-introspection, and ability to self-develop, that he has had to pull someone else into his life (you) under false presences to try to become a better "someone else".

This is what you are being asked to do -- to be the outside force that changes his inner self.

When you think about it, it's crazy.

It's up to you whether you want to sign up for that role. IME, it's not a tenable way to live your *own* life.

[Anonymous]

Just be glad you don't have kids together. My advice is to "cut and run". Do you really want to have kids and live with a man like that for the next 40 to 50 years? I have always heard, once a cheater always a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been in your situation. If you have no kids, I would advise you to end the relationship. Your gut is telling you this anyway -- it is processing far more information than your brain. Follow your gut.

This kind of deception and need to be stroked by outsiders isn't something that just ends overnight. Your DH has given you "reasons" that seem to shift the blame to you (long distance, etc.).

What I have learned in the years since discovering my ex's extensive flirtations and affairs of all varieties is that 1) what you know is still only the tip of the iceberg and 2) the ability to behave this way is indicative of a serious lack of character 3) remorse doesn't change the underlying character defects and 4) you have a right to live with someone who will treat you more honorably.

I am amazed, in the years since my relationship ended, to discover the myriad of ways I was allowing others excuses to diminish my life. I thought I was being "flexible" and "compromising" and dealing with the "realities of life". In the end what I realized is that there are good people out there. If you pay attention to their actions and not their words, you will see easily who is worth your time and affection.

Your husband, sorry to say, is not worthy.

P.S., I strongly disagree with PPs who say that you must learn to "trust" and not ask for full transparency/access on social media, email, etc. Trust is earned, not blindly given. Your husband had your trust, lost it and now must earn it back thru his actions not his words. Full transparency, complete honesty, and a real commitment thru extensive therapy to look inward at the character defects that made this situation possible are the actions you should be looking for.

I agree with this, but in order to get to that point of decision, OP needs to take some time to process it all, talk to a therapist or close friend and ultimately, she will know whether her husband's behavior was a one time mistake (more like "a period in his life" mistake) or if it's indicative of a larger personality or character flaw. If it's the latter, I think he cannot be made into a trustworthy, committed and loyal person (therapy notwithstanding), and even though OP may choose to stay, there will always be a high risk for lying, cheating and deception. Who wants to live with this suspicion cloud hanging over the marriage, especially once they have kids? I would look for signs that he shows integrity, which would be to own his mistakes and fully acknowledge his responsibility, not try to pin anything on you, on being long distance or any other external cause for his actions, no gas lighting, no denial, no diversion, etc.
I am sorry this is happening OP. I've been through this (still am) and it's horrible. Your entire world as you know it falls apart and you have to rebuild it, either way. When I found out about my husband's infidelity I started digging some information and found emails he sent to another woman before we got married and were long distance, but already committed to get married. A very over the top romantic email asking her to meet him was sent just a few days after I had been with him in his town, where I thought we had spent wonderful days together. It was very hurtful to realize he had been unfaithful all along, although it gave me relief that it was not due to something I did or didn't do (I know, I know, but I couldn't avoid blaming myself) and it was just who he is. In my case it quickly became clear he was a serial cheater with very poor judgement, who actively chased women with zero regard for me and our family (we have two kids). I hope you can sort through this, OP, and make the best decision for yourself and your future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He is remorseful and claims it is all in the past and moving here, living together and marrying me was him changing from an old life and person he disliked to the person he wants to be and the future he wants. He says he realizes he has a serious issue to deal with and he wants to deal with it and will do everything in his power to rebuild my trust and show me he is the person I once thought he was. I am not sure if I believe him or if he is saying these things because he doesn't want to lose me. I just don't know at this point.

He may very well want to be a different person and want to stay with you. But, the bolded part is a huge red flag. He is telling you that the person he is is not the person you thought you married. He is telling you that he has so little self-control, self-introspection, and ability to self-develop, that he has had to pull someone else into his life (you) under false presences to try to become a better "someone else".

This is what you are being asked to do -- to be the outside force that changes his inner self.

When you think about it, it's crazy.

It's up to you whether you want to sign up for that role. IME, it's not a tenable way to live your *own* life.

+1 This is a wise perspective. So help me understand something...the "flirty" emails...are they recent (meaning, since being engaged, living together and getting married)?

[Anonymous]

If you have ANY doubts, don't have kids with this man. Seriously. Having a relationship with someone who has broken your trust is hard enough. Adding kids and forcing you to have contact with him (together or apart) for the next 18+ years will be miserable.

It's easy to say, sitting here behind my computer with no "skin" in the game, "cut and run" - but this might be for the best.

[Anonymous]

How did he feel about the other woman? Did he love her or was it more of a physical nature? I would be less concerned if he honestly had feelings for another woman and you at the same time while long-distance. That makes more sense to me than why he had so many flirtations going on at once. That seems to me more of a serial nature that may be hard to break for a 40-something year old. Also, this is key, did he LIE to you during these periods, like he was on a date with OW and told you that he was working late? Or did you have the type of distance relationship where you would go 48 hours without speaking and then just pick up where you left off vs. recounting what you did for the past two days? To me, these details are important because you are getting at the root of his character (the lying and serial cheating) vs. someone who fell for two people and took a while to make up his mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

+1 This is a wise perspective. So help me understand something...the "flirty" emails...are they recent (meaning, since being engaged, living together and getting married)?

The flirty emails are older, from before we were married. Mostly during the dating phase and but others when we were engaged. He says it was wrong, he feels awful, has felt awful for a very long time. He said he was so used to being single and living the single life for the six or seven years after his divorce and before we met, that he had a hard time breaking from it. He kept it up, being flirtatious with exes and obviously carrying on something with the other woman in particular, while we were casually dating and then more seriously dating. He knew he should stop, particularly when we got engaged and the plans to relocate were being realized, but it was harder for him to do than he thought it would be, and he didn't. When we moved to our new city he ended everything. He was excited to start a new life with me, and I was the person, the only person, he wanted to be with for his life. And that that hasn't changed.

I told him the issue I have is that I've been setting up, planning and preparing for this new life, this marriage, for the four years we'd been together. And apparently, I was doing it alone. Our commitment was real to me the entire time we dated and were engaged. And it wasn't to him. It wasn't real for him until the long distance was over and he made vows. So in a lot of ways, I don't think we have the same type of shared past and experiences anymore. He has tarnished our past and present and possibly ruined any future, for me individually and as a couple if we remain one. Remorse doesn't change being a complete piece of shit and hurting the person you supposedly love the most. I have no clue if he is capable of being honorable and good. I thought he had been, so we were both wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did he feel about the other woman? Did he love her or was it more of a physical nature? I would be less concerned if he honestly had feelings for another woman and you at the same time while long-distance. That makes more sense to me than why he had so many flirtations going on at once. That seems to me more of a serial nature that may be hard to break for a 40-something year old. Also, this is key, did he LIE to you during these periods, like he was on a date with OW and told you that he was working late? Or did you have the type of distance relationship where you would go 48 hours without speaking and then just pick up where you left off vs. recounting what you did for the past two days? To me, these details are important because you are getting at the root of his character (the lying and serial cheating) vs. someone who fell for two people and took a while to make up his mind.

I see your thoughts here. The other woman was someone he had met ten years ago on a dating site after his divorce. She lived in a different state, and he saw her physically three times in ten years. They were mostly friendly, but things turned more romantic and personal around the time he and I met. He said he was keeping his options open in the early days of our relationship as we didn't know how things might work out with the distance. This I understand. I did the same. And we were both open about it. But after two years of knowing each other and one year of dating, we grew more serious, discussed being exclusive and then took two different paths: I remained true to him and committed, and he did not. He moved forward with our relationship, falling in love with me, proposing to me, making plans to relocate with me, but continuing to be in touch with this other woman. He said he cared about her, but did not love her, did not tell her he loved her, did not promise a future for them. Through emails I read I can see that she repeatedly asked to make the relationship more - to be GF/BF, to plan for a future, and he told her he couldn't do it and he cared for her but didn't want it repeatedly. Yet, he carried this on, both the emotional and physical when seeing her while we were committed and sadly even when we were engaged. While we were LDR, we spoke and texted daily, Skyped a few times a week. We saw each other every month. Yet obviously, we spent a lot of physical time apart. This I am sure is why it may have been so easy for him to have something else going on. It might even be a reason he felt he could keep it going.

We both need to find out if this is his true nature and character or a giant fuck-up on an otherwise unmarred "record."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you again for taking the time to provide your input. It is extremely helpful to me to have the forum as a sounding board. I have made an appointment with a therapist, individually, for Friday. I'm just trying to hold on between the board, talking to my husband, and managing my own thoughts until then.

I can understand how an LDR seems peculiar to some. It is definitely atypical. However, it was a very real relationship that built slowly, organically. We met on vacation, hit it off, and returned to our homes, across the country from one another. We spent one year getting to know each other over text, email, phone. The friendship deepened and a year after meeting, we had a first date. The romance deepened and we dated, cautiously planning our future for two years. Then we got engaged, relocated, lived together, got married. We've known each other for 5 years, and been dating/engaged/married for 4.

This is his second marriage, my first. He married young and has been divorced for ten years. He did not cheat on his first wife. I'm of course not sure if I can believe him anymore, but I am inclined to as there was a larger issue (a personal issue she had) that led to dissolution.

The OW who contacted me was I'm sure doing it out of spite and hurt. She felt wronged and wanted him or me or anyone, maybe, to feel pain too. Perhaps she was simply trying to "do the right thing." and honestly believed she would do some good. From comments here I know a lot of people feel if in these shoes they'd want to know. Others say they wouldn't want to know. I go back and forth. The news has potentially ruined my marriage and life. Is it better I know it or better if I never knew? I'm not sure. Mostly, because I am not sure what I want to do. For this woman, maybe she will grapple with her decision for some time. She may have regrets. I obviously can't waste my time thinking about her motives or emotional state. I have not and will not communicate with her. Both he and the she claimed they have not been in touch since he told her goodbye and that he wouldn't be in touch anymore, and relocated with me. I do believe this. As I had access to his email account, it's been fact checked.

He is remorseful and claims it is all in the past and moving here, living together and marrying me was him changing from an old life and person he disliked to the person he wants to be and the future he wants. He says he realizes he has a serious issue to deal with and he wants to deal with it and will do everything in his power to rebuild my trust and show me he is the person I once thought he was. I am not sure if I believe him or if he is saying these things because he doesn't want to lose me. I just don't know at this point.

However, to that end, we are scheduling marriage counseling. He is also scheduling individual counseling. Regardless of what happens in the end, we now both desperately need counseling, as a couple and as individuals. Although we of course had safe sex conversations during our relationship and have been checked, we are both re-testing for STIs this week. He will be contacting any exes he has had flirtations with over email or text to wish them well and establish no contact. He's closing his separate email account where he had had communications with old flames. He will be changing his cell phone number and importing only contacts who are family or friends. He will show evidence of all of this (BCC on emails, sitting together to import contacts) to me, and he will give me free reign access to his email or cell whenever I may request it. Not because I am trying to be a nosy mother, but because he realizes I have no reason to trust him right now and he needs and wants to show me he is sealing off this old life and trying to change. Whether this works out or not, I think these steps are good for him as an individual. If I remain in this marriage, I will need to see proof of his commitment to me. Sadly, this now includes complete transparency with things that typically are personal (emails, texts, shit you google). If I leave him, perhaps him going through these steps and winding up in this place will be a reminder not to be so cavalier with someone in the future.

I still don't know if I will stay and try to save the marriage or if I will leave him. I can't parse whether this is something you can recover from or if it is the writing on the wall and I'm a fool to stay. We're sleeping separately and I now dread having to go home to the house and husband I was so incredibly proud of. I'm thinking of going out of town alone this weekend because just can't imagine spending a weekend with him running errands and keeping plans we had. I'm traveling for business next week and am relieved to have time away. Selfishly, I want him to feel what it would be like if I left him and he was all alone. Mostly, I just feel very hurt and lost. I feel both repulsed by the thought of him holding my hand again and desperate for him to hold me. It is a completely bizarre feeling and an entirely fucked up situation. I am so, so sorry for anyone who has to go through this. I can't believe I went from being a PP giving advice to people who were cheated on to posting my own fucking cliché post.

For what it's worth OP - I am one of those people that generally think infidelity, over the course of a long relationship, can be forgiven. Humans aren't wired for monogamy, just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you aren't attracted to other people, you were long distance, people make mistakes, etc. So I generally lean towards giving people second chances if they are remorseful, truly made a mistake, and there is a great foundation to the relationship otherwise.

All that being noted, I don't see it worth it to you. Your reaction to this is catatonic. That's ok, we all react to infidelity in our own ways - some shrug, some are hurt but get over it, some see it as the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL, somehow worse than bankrupting the family on a gambling addiction. Do you really want to be in the role of mom/police woman to your new husband? Are you that viscerally disgusted by his touch (he had his penis in many women before you, his penis responds to all types of women, nothing personal). He needs to BCC you on all communications? You need that from him? You are treating him like a child, it may be "warranted" but it's not the foundation for an adult relationship.

All in all, with no kids in the picture, I just don't see it worth it - who wants to be in counselling during the honeymoon years? I agree with most posters that you should take some time and not make a decision with your emotional brain, but I just don't see you getting fully past all this given your reaction and take on infidelity in general.