In shock - he cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist thought I had done my husband a disservice by telling him about my second affair. I didn't want there to be any secrets any more. But she said that was my cross to bear, and I should not have placed that burden on him.

I believe your therapist was correct. More often than not the person doing the confessing does so to shed some of the burden. The pain inflicted on the 'injured' party is not worth it if you are in fact going to work to remove yourself from the affair and seek the help needed to deal with it.

I disagree. I would certainly want to know all material facts before staying in the marriage, if I were her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist thought I had done my husband a disservice by telling him about my second affair. I didn't want there to be any secrets any more. But she said that was my cross to bear, and I should not have placed that burden on him.

I believe your therapist was correct. More often than not the person doing the confessing does so to shed some of the burden. The pain inflicted on the 'injured' party is not worth it if you are in fact going to work to remove yourself from the affair and seek the help needed to deal with it.

I disagree. I would certainly want to know all material facts before staying in the marriage, if I were her DH.

That's you...and you certainly have that right to feel that way. But what I stated is a majority opinion of the professionals and for many solid reasons. And please note I did quality with "if you are in fact going to work to remove yourself from the affair and seek the help needed to deal with it."

That said, I think the person who started this thread is bogus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in desperate need of some support and advice. In the past 24 hours, I found out that my new DH has been unfaithful to me, engaging in a physical/emotional fling with one woman and online flirtations with others before we were married. I am in shock, that lucid, unfeeling state where you can't exactly feel emotion. I have no idea whether I should stay or go.

DH (mid-40s) and I (mid-30s) have been together for 4 years. We were long distance for the first 3 years, during our dating phase and our engagement, and have been living together in the same city for the past year. We were married a short time ago and have been trying to have a baby. We've had a very happy, special relationship, and what I thought a very open, honest union.

I found out because the other woman contacted me to tell me that he had had an emotional and physical affair with her, an old flame, while we were long distance. He had portrayed himself as single, and ended things with her last year, telling her he needed to move on. They had not been in touch since. She did some online searching to see what he was up to and discovered he was married. She then was able to locate me, likely using social media, and sent me an admittedly very sincere message with the details and a number of photos that immediately cast no shadow of a doubt that she was being truthful. She had no idea I existed, wants nothing to do with him, and her motivation seems just to inform me of what had happened. From screen shots she sent, I saw that he had communicated with her through an old email address. I logged on to that account and saw more messages between them that further corroborated the story. I also found old flirty messages to a few women, all appear to be old flames or people he has know for a long time, from before we were married that one does not send when committed to someone else.

Last night, I sat down with DH, told him what I had discovered, and the entire story came out. He says he has no words for what he has done, and is remorseful and deeply ashamed. He says that he had maintained flirtations with people while we dated because early days in our relationship we were not exclusive as we tried to sort out if we could make things work despite long distance (which is true), and that after we decided to be together and make a go of it, he just continued the bachelor life and flirtations on the side. He said he has no idea why he did, he felt fulfilled in our relationship, even though it was tough living apart. He said when we relocated to live together in a new city it marked a different life for him. He wanted to leave everything in the past and focus on starting our life together. He swears he loves me more than anything and when he took our marriage vows he meant them. He says he is ashamed of what he has done and wants to leave it in the past and focus on righting the wrong with me and saving our marriage. He said he has been faithful since we married and will continue to be. He asked if I would go to couples therapy. I suggested we each could benefit from individual therapy as well. He agreed.

My instinct, which I shared with him calmly, is to cut and run. Get a quick divorce, divide assets, part ways and never have contact again. While I am obviously devastated, I am a very cut and dry person. It would be the hardest thing in the world to do, but I could make a clean break if I needed to. At the same time, the humiliation and fear of telling family and friends and starting over is overwhelming. And underlying everything of course is that he is my husband and I love him.

We slept apart last night and I imagine will continue to for some time. I asked him to connect with anyone he needed to out of the old email account and then shut it down permanently. I told him to delete any phone numbers from his cell that he might need to delete. I told him if he wanted any fraction of a chance at rebuilding any trust with me, that he needed to think about providing me with unfettered access to his email and texts at any time at my request. I am in the process of making arrangements for marriage counseling, and for individual counseling for each of us. Everything is too new and raw to process at this time and make any decisions about our future, but I am absolutely heartbroken. I truly feel like I don't know this person at all and that everything I thought I knew and trusted was a sham. If I was reading this message on the forum I'd advise the person to get the hell out. But being in these awful shoes I never, ever thought I'd be in, the answer is not so clear.

To me it sounds like you both met online since you say that the first 3 years and your engagement you were apart then just started living together the year you married. I met the guy I am talking to thru social media too and we have a long distance relationship as well and we're not far from your age either. Thru online dating I found that a TON of married and involved men frequent dating sites to flirt with other women. I even had a few famous ones that I knew were real since we skyped and they were also looking for new ass. She probably searched for him because girls love this type of man who is very good at saying the right things and it's difficult for women to leave them so she searched for him and found that he was with you and she was probably angry at him that he was two timing her with you and wanted truth to be known because he probably told her the same things he told you. With the current guy I am with also long distance I always make sure we are at the same level and not seeing others. I actually tell him that we should see others but he doesn't agree with this and he considers if I do that it will be the end of us. So I think since you first started "dating" you and him were together and made a committment that you both would not see others unless you both agreed to see other people until you got together, lived together, or married. He cheated on you because he was not honest. A committed guy does not cheat and he definitely did since he was sleeping with his old flame up until a year ago while you 2 were dating. He used his old flame as a backup is what it sounds like just in case you and him didn't work out. The old flame saw this and got vindictive. Still very immature to play with womens feelings like that. He sounds immature, a jerk, and inconsiderate of others feelings to get his cake and eat it too. I'd be wary of trusting someone who is this selfish again.

[Anonymous]

NP. I've also been through what you're going through, OP. We've been working hard at things for more than a year since I found out how he'd been lying and hiding things for years, as well as pursuing other women. We have kids, so I felt I must give it some time.

Even after a year of intensive therapy and work, and his seeming to have made progress, for me it's still overall pretty miserable, because a day doesn't go by without me having at least one passing thought, wondering if he's really off doing what he said, or if what he's telling me at this moment is a lie. He and I still love each other, but he totally poisoned things between us.

It's so hard living without trust, without feeling safe. He was such a good liar and so good at covering up the things he was doing. I know he could easily deceive me again, even though now I'm on guard (an exhausting way to live, btw). I could forgive and rebuild with someone who had always lived honestly, and had one lapse, one brief mistake. But he carried this on for years. It's part of who he is. I never really knew him.

It eats away at me, living with this lack of trust, and the sense that I've been made a fool of, and could be again, easily. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone.

That happy, safe feeling I once had, was based on lies, and can never come back with this man.

If we did not have kids together, I would have given myself enough time to sort out my heart and mind, and then I would have cut and run. Every day is a struggle for me, and it's really just damage control and trying to make the best of things. The destruction of trust is not really fixable. You can try, but it's never the same. It's like finding a big, long, nasty pube in your food at a restaurant.

Starting a marriage from this low a point, without any kids to truly tie you to this nightmare, no, no, no. You could be much happier with a more basically honest and trustworthy man, OP. You should be very happy at this point, not dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

No advice, OP, just want you to know I am really sorry. You didn't deserve this & i wish you the best. Chin up! You'll get through it.

[Anonymous]

Thank you again, from OP, for your input and advice. I have an individual therapy appointment tomorrow and I am literally counting down the minutes. I feel so alone in all of this and I am desperate for someone to talk to. This forum is my only outlet right now. I don't think I can tell family or friends; to me it feels like a horrible secret I don't want anyone to know. I'm waiting to hear back from my EAP about a marriage counselor who specializes in infidelity. I've been warned it may take weeks. In the meantime, I can put my energy into my own therapy. My husband is seeking an individual therapist as well.

I've decided to spend the weekend away from my spouse and our home. I do not feel comfortable or happy being in our home right now. It was once a big source of pride and comfort and what I looked forward to after a long day of work, but all week I have stayed at work as late as I could in order to spend as little time at home and with my husband as possible. The idea of a wide open weekend at home, either with him just down the hall or avoiding one another would be dreadful. I ordered some books on infidelity and will spend the weekend at a hotel alone, reading, absorbing, thinking. I suggested he spend the weekend at home doing some serious soul searching. I'll be away on business for most of next week. I am looking forward to it and am thinking this might be a good time to for us each to sit with our feelings without interacting. Selfishly, I want him to feel physically alone. I feel alone and hollow inside and out - the least he can do is experience being alone in an empty house and knowing his wife is so ashamed of him and their marriage that she couldn't stand the idea of being in the same house as him. I want him to think about all he has done and how deeply he has hurt me, how drained and used I feel, and how he has wrecked my self esteem and taken from me the security and safety I once had. Perhaps it will provide him more clarity in deciding if he is sad to be in that situation and truly wants to correct it or excited by the freedom it affords him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you again, from OP, for your input and advice. I have an individual therapy appointment tomorrow and I am literally counting down the minutes. I feel so alone in all of this and I am desperate for someone to talk to. This forum is my only outlet right now. I don't think I can tell family or friends; to me it feels like a horrible secret I don't want anyone to know. I'm waiting to hear back from my EAP about a marriage counselor who specializes in infidelity. I've been warned it may take weeks. In the meantime, I can put my energy into my own therapy. My husband is seeking an individual therapist as well.

I've decided to spend the weekend away from my spouse and our home. I do not feel comfortable or happy being in our home right now. It was once a big source of pride and comfort and what I looked forward to after a long day of work, but all week I have stayed at work as late as I could in order to spend as little time at home and with my husband as possible. The idea of a wide open weekend at home, either with him just down the hall or avoiding one another would be dreadful. I ordered some books on infidelity and will spend the weekend at a hotel alone, reading, absorbing, thinking. I suggested he spend the weekend at home doing some serious soul searching. I'll be away on business for most of next week. I am looking forward to it and am thinking this might be a good time to for us each to sit with our feelings without interacting. Selfishly, I want him to feel physically alone. I feel alone and hollow inside and out - the least he can do is experience being alone in an empty house and knowing his wife is so ashamed of him and their marriage that she couldn't stand the idea of being in the same house as him. I want him to think about all he has done and how deeply he has hurt me, how drained and used I feel, and how he has wrecked my self esteem and taken from me the security and safety I once had. Perhaps it will provide him more clarity in deciding if he is sad to be in that situation and truly wants to correct it or excited by the freedom it affords him.

This is overly dramatic and unnecessary. Stop acting like this ams creating problems in your life.

[Anonymous]

This is overly dramatic and unnecessary. Stop acting like this ams creating problems in your life.

She has every right to her feelings and is absolutely not being overly dramatic. She just married someone in the full expectation that they were on the same page and then learned that--up until their engagement, but while they were dating and planning a future together, he was also seeing someone else and lying to both women. (unclear to me if he ended when they got engaged, when they moved, etc).

yes, I truly believe that they may very well work through this and have a more honest, open, happy union, but right now, she's been blindsided by his deception. Its very, very hard to realize that you've been completely intimate and open with someone who is hiding something huge from you. He withheld important information that would have affected her decision to get married, buy a house, build a future with this guy. If he had been more mature, he could have said that he wasn't comforable being exclusive long distance, etc, but he didn't. he took advantage of her to fulfill his own selfish goals. It sounds as if he's truly remorseful and that the realization that he could fuck up the best thing that has ever happened to him might be a good thing and they might work out--but in the meantime, let the poor woman have her feelings.

[Anonymous]

But how can you trust after this? I would feel broken.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would really advise you to confide in one good friend, someone who isn't judgmental and will support you if you decide to divorce but will also support you and accept and respect your husband if you you decide to stay and work it out. I hope you have someone like that in your life.

I hear so much shame and embarrassment in your posts-- which you have absolutely no reason to feel! These are feelings that only your husband deserves. But as long as you keep this secret from everyone who knows and cares about you, these feelings will just keep bumping around unchallenged inside you.

You are a loving, trusting, honest person who did the right things. Please find a friend or family member who can remind you of that well enough so you can know it in your heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist thought I had done my husband a disservice by telling him about my second affair. I didn't want there to be any secrets any more. But she said that was my cross to bear, and I should not have placed that burden on him.

I believe your therapist was correct. More often than not the person doing the confessing does so to shed some of the burden. The pain inflicted on the 'injured' party is not worth it if you are in fact going to work to remove yourself from the affair and seek the help needed to deal with it.

I disagree. I would certainly want to know all material facts before staying in the marriage, if I were her DH.

That's you...and you certainly have that right to feel that way. But what I stated is a majority opinion of the professionals and for many solid reasons. And please note I did quality with "if you are in fact going to work to remove yourself from the affair and seek the help needed to deal with it."

That said, I think the person who started this thread is bogus.

Could you please cite to some valid psychological literature for your position that encouraging an adulterer to keep the secret of infidelity from the victim spouse is "a majority opinion of professionals". I'm not aware of any professional protocols that encourage secret-keeping in couples therapy. While it's not ethically permissible for a therapist to reveal one client's secret without permission, neither do I think it's ethically professional for a therapist to encourage secret-keeping in therapy from another therapeutic participant.

I personally had exactly this discussion with my now exDH's therapist. I made it clear to him that I would want to know every last detail of my husband's cheating because I thought to leave me in the dark was incredibly patronizing and manipulative. I am a grown woman who can handle my own hurt feelings and want to make decisions about my life based on the truth.

Most often, an infidelity perpetrator who wants to keep the infidelity a secret merely uses the excuse of protecting the "spouse" in order to protect him/herself from the natural consequences of their bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would really advise you to confide in one good friend, someone who isn't judgmental and will support you if you decide to divorce but will also support you and accept and respect your husband if you you decide to stay and work it out. I hope you have someone like that in your life.

I hear so much shame and embarrassment in your posts-- which you have absolutely no reason to feel! These are feelings that only your husband deserves. But as long as you keep this secret from everyone who knows and cares about you, these feelings will just keep bumping around unchallenged inside you.

You are a loving, trusting, honest person who did the right things. Please find a friend or family member who can remind you of that well enough so you can know it in your heart.

I posted something very similar previously, and - as someone who has been there - agree with this post wholeheartedly. OP, please seek out a close friend or family member who can help support you through this. The shame and embarrassment do not belong to you, and you do not have to carry that weight. Confiding in someone you trust who loves you unconditionally will help you to really know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm. On the one hand, I would think since all this happened when you were long distance and not since you were in the same city or married, it's possibly forgivable. On the other hand, if this is an ingrained personality flaw, better to divorce now when it would be relatively simple than down the line when lives are really intertwined and things could get messier. Hard decision.

Exactly what I think. The simplest decision of all, OP, is to NOT have children with him right away, even if you decide to stay with him.
See if he can change first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist thought I had done my husband a disservice by telling him about my second affair. I didn't want there to be any secrets any more. But she said that was my cross to bear, and I should not have placed that burden on him.

I believe your therapist was correct. More often than not the person doing the confessing does so to shed some of the burden. The pain inflicted on the 'injured' party is not worth it if you are in fact going to work to remove yourself from the affair and seek the help needed to deal with it.

I disagree. I would certainly want to know all material facts before staying in the marriage, if I were her DH.

That's you...and you certainly have that right to feel that way. But what I stated is a majority opinion of the professionals and for many solid reasons. And please note I did quality with "if you are in fact going to work to remove yourself from the affair and seek the help needed to deal with it."

That said, I think the person who started this thread is bogus.

Could you please cite to some valid psychological literature for your position that encouraging an adulterer to keep the secret of infidelity from the victim spouse is "a majority opinion of professionals". I'm not aware of any professional protocols that encourage secret-keeping in couples therapy. While it's not ethically permissible for a therapist to reveal one client's secret without permission, neither do I think it's ethically professional for a therapist to encourage secret-keeping in therapy from another therapeutic participant.

I personally had exactly this discussion with my now exDH's therapist. I made it clear to him that I would want to know every last detail of my husband's cheating because I thought to leave me in the dark was incredibly patronizing and manipulative. I am a grown woman who can handle my own hurt feelings and want to make decisions about my life based on the truth.

Most often, an infidelity perpetrator who wants to keep the infidelity a secret merely uses the excuse of protecting the "spouse" in order to protect him/herself from the natural consequences of their bad behavior.

Based on what you wrote above you already know it isn't the norm to promote confession as a rule. And there is no one size fits all so this isn't by any stretch an absolute. There are so many variables to be considered.

That said, the content and tone of your response says a lot about your stance on this. Given your experience I can understand why but it also appears that we are seeing life from much different perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm. On the one hand, I would think since all this happened when you were long distance and not since you were in the same city or married, it's possibly forgivable. On the other hand, if this is an ingrained personality flaw, better to divorce now when it would be relatively simple than down the line when lives are really intertwined and things could get messier. Hard decision.

Exactly what I think. The simplest decision of all, OP, is to NOT have children with him right away, even if you decide to stay with him.
See if he can change first.

Why does being in a long distance relationship make him less culpable? He still made a commitment with her that they both were together and couldnt date or sleep with other people. If she cant trust his word then how can she trust him again? Most likely hed do it again.