Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coach here. I am sorry but if a child has an immediate family wedding and explained in advance, they would not be riding the bench for the rest of the season. This is high school people.

OP, everyone on DCUM thinks their kid is going to get a Div 1 scholarship so sports are the priority over anything else in this world, which is truly sad when you think about it.

I am sorry your sister chose a sporting event over your wedding.

Coach of what and where?

Oh, but wait....can we expect the truth here? Seems pretty clear that most peoples' experience are the opposite of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I think the lesson here for me is for when I have kids and how to navigate this sports (or other activity) world and keep true to my value or priority of family first. How that works within the lives of kids/teens. How to place the context for the family, despite possibly restrictive circumstances and clear benefits of the activities and the commitment to those. Definitely hard. But I keep coming back to - for me - a tournament or sporting event is not more important than a big family event like this (my wedding or if my mom got remarried or if my dad won the nobel prize). I do recognize that as my personal value. Not to be required of others. I think I'm just really still surprised. Maybe that's naive as hell.

OP, If you are aligning the importance of your wedding with that of winning a Nobel prize, there nothing on this thread (or anywhere) that will satisfy you.

You nephew is a horrible, selfish little man child who lives in a self centered world of playing mindless games with balls while he neglects the important things going on in the universe.

Your sister is a selfish bitch monster for not forcing said little man to come to your all important event.

I can't believe that neither have their priorities set properly on you.


Better?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't attend 14 year old's future wedding, but that's just me.

[Anonymous]

Best wishes on your wedding, OP!

Your sister is the one at fault here. Unless your nephew somehow failed to communicate the tournament date with her, assuming he knew it and she did not, then I would not blame the kid.

I have a high-schooler who plays soccer for his school and a club team. For club, I would likely tell him he had to skip the tournament, even if *I* was the one who overlooked the conflict and it was no fault of the kid's. The only exception might be an important college recruiting club tournament (but that wouldn't matter so much for a high school freshman).

For the high school team, however, the situation is a bit different. Varsity players at our school are required to play in all games & tournaments unless someone in their immediate family has died. I mean, that's basically what they tell you going in. I'm not defending this policy in any way, but it's common in our area, and probably the case at most schools. If your nephew is actually *playing* in a Varsity tournament as a freshman, that IS something he might remember for the rest of his life...depending on the tournament, the caliber of his team, what's at stake, etc.

Playing Varsity as a frosh is a big deal here. But, aside from that, your nephew could be benched or cut from the team for skipping a tournament to attend a wedding (unless it was a parent re-marrying, I guess). And unless his coach retires/quits coaching, he would have issues with that coach for the next 3 years of high school, assuming the coach even let him try out for the team the following year. If the coach is a teacher, or if the kid plays other sports at the school, there could be additional ramifications.

Again, I think such policies are over-the-top in many cases, but they do exist - and can have result in lasting repercussions for the student athlete, if violated.

And, as much as he may care about you, your nephew would probably rather play in this tournament than attend your wedding. He's a 14-year-old boy. But that's beside the point. He is not at fault here and, even if he *would* rather attend your wedding, he'd probably face significant consequences for that at his school.

I'm sorry you're sad about this and I hope you can set it aside so you can fully enjoy your wedding day. Again, best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I think the lesson here for me is for when I have kids and how to navigate this sports (or other activity) world and keep true to my value or priority of family first. How that works within the lives of kids/teens. How to place the context for the family, despite possibly restrictive circumstances and clear benefits of the activities and the commitment to those. Definitely hard. But I keep coming back to - for me - a tournament or sporting event is not more important than a big family event like this (my wedding or if my mom got remarried or if my dad won the nobel prize). I do recognize that as my personal value. Not to be required of others. I think I'm just really still surprised. Maybe that's naive as hell.

OP, If you are aligning the importance of your wedding with that of winning a Nobel prize, there nothing on this thread (or anywhere) that will satisfy you.

You nephew is a horrible, selfish little man child who lives in a self centered world of playing mindless games with balls while he neglects the important things going on in the universe.

Your sister is a selfish bitch monster for not forcing said little man to come to your all important event.

I can't believe that neither have their priorities set properly on you.


Better?

LOL. OP here, I knew some nut was going to go literal on my nobel prize joke. Stop watching so much Bridezilla. And I'm glad you saw through all of my words to read what I desparately wanted to share: Horrible selfish little nephew. Selfish bitch monster sister. Even with that fun label, I think I'm better off having her than you as my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I havent read all the posts but its really not about if a 14 y.o. cares about your wedding. Its about a chance for the entire family to be together, which sounds like something that doesnt happen too often if you are in different states.

Its also an opprtunity to think about priorities. I know DCUM never thinks anything family related is a priority (see the post where a poster told the mom she is neglecting her 20 m.o. for trying to talk to her grandmother on the phone for 10 mins a day) or all the people who hate their siblings, in-laws, parents, etc. But some of us put a very high value on family and being together and there for each other in the time of big events - like weddings, etc. - even if it means sacrificing a little of our own happiness.

What if a grandparent were sick and they werent sure if they could see them again?
What if a parent were having surgery and needed help/care but the kid had a big test?
What happens when the child is an adult and their kid needs them to take off work for a school play?

If we dont instill in our kids that being there for family - in good and bad - is important, then they are unlikely to make family a priority in the future. To me, thats a much more important value than committing to a soccer game.

I agree with this completely. It's not as much about how much fun the 14yo will have at the wedding. It's that family is important. What do the grandparents (your parents) have to say about this? Both my mom and my MIL would be beside themselves if we opted our child out of a family wedding and I would understand why. It's a chance for the family to all be together to celebrate a big day in one member's life.

And, btw, I do have a 14yo and he actually really likes and enjoys spending time with his family and would love the reception. It would not be at all just obligation he had to suffer through and endure. Maybe that's because we've always put family first? Idk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I think the lesson here for me is for when I have kids and how to navigate this sports (or other activity) world and keep true to my value or priority of family first. How that works within the lives of kids/teens. How to place the context for the family, despite possibly restrictive circumstances and clear benefits of the activities and the commitment to those. Definitely hard. But I keep coming back to - for me - a tournament or sporting event is not more important than a big family event like this (my wedding or if my mom got remarried or if my dad won the nobel prize). I do recognize that as my personal value. Not to be required of others. I think I'm just really still surprised. Maybe that's naive as hell.

This has been an interesting thread OP. I'm guessing you will not dwell on your niece's absence for very long, and that all will be just fine in the end.

One thing to keep in mind about the responses you got from those of us who were worried about your "nephew" missing his first "soccer" games as a freshman member of the varsity team: had you given us the actual details about the child/sport/age, you might have gotten very different responses. To me and many others, that particular scenario would be very different from a middle schooler missing a cross-country meet or an elementary student missing part of a diving tournament. One of my kids is a top player on a top soccer team, and neither we nor his coaches would hesitate to let him miss a tournament or league game for an aunt's wedding, unless perhaps it were a national championship game. His coaches and teammates have known him for years and appreciate his contributions to the team. That's very different from someone trying to break into a new team in HS with an unknown coach and teammates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one question for OP.

Since you and sis and nephew are so close and all, how many times have you travelled to see your nephew play soccer? To me, that is important because you think that he should be sacrificing something important to him so that he can attend something that is important to you. So I want to know if it flows both ways. Would be nice for you to take time and make the effort to support him before you express disappointment in him not supporting you, if you have not already.

That being said, my kids are athletes, we would let them choose, and given how close they are with their aunts and uncles, they would choose and have chosen the family event. But our family is full of club, HS and college athletes so the family would 100% understand if someone missed something because of an important tournament. At the same time, we all gather up and attend the sporting events of the young people in our family. Nothing for us to have 10 family members at an important game. So our kids would remember that Aunt Lucy came to their championship game and they would want to support Aunt Lucy in her big day. In my opinion, it is not about sports being more important than family. It is about family members mutually supporting each other in endeavors that are important to the one participating. It is VERY condescending to belittle the boy's activity and the work he put in to make varsity so I think that is the wrong way to look at it.

Missing a game was only an issue one time. When DD was in HS, she attended her cousin's wedding and missed a college showcase tournament. She made the decision and we supported it. The problem was that a few college coaches came expecting to see her and not all of them got the word that she would not be playing. So that took some smoothing over and we know in one case, a college coach crossed her off the list because of it. Otherwise, we have never had a problem.

Are you really equating a soccer game to an (ideally) once in a lifetime wedding? I'm all about showing up for important events in my nephews' lives - I've been to birthdays and school plays and sports events - but you cannot seriously say that an adult should not expect a teenager to attend her wedding unless the adult considers a soccer game as important as a wedding. Weddings are sacraments (if you believe in such) or at the very least significant milestone legal ceremonies that are supposed to happen once in life. A child may have dozens and dozens of soccer games a year. The two are not even remotely equivalent, and if you are teaching your kid such, you are seriously de-valuing the importance of public commitment ceremonies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at the perspectives shared so far. Very enlightening for me, so I'm glad I stopped by to read.

I have not been in this situation, but I think I'd want to impart the value to my child that family comes before all else, including a sporting match. I certainly would not want to be at my brother's wedding getting asked where my son was and saying "Oh he had a wrestling match."

I'm the PP just below you, and I 100% agree. And you managed to say it without profanity, so kudos to you. I really am stunned that this would be okay for some families.

Then again, my BIL did not come to our wedding because he is a professional musician and his orchestra had rehearsal that week. I still am pissed about that.

Smiley or not you still are urked over it. Get over it, for such a joyous event people sure get bent out of shape for weddings.

Of course I am still irked. It was a lovely, joyful day, and my BIL essentially told my brother that he could not miss a day of work to attend. But he has missed days of work for his own other priorities. And that's his choice, and he has shown us what his priorities are. We still had a lovely time, but that doesn't mean that we can't be irked to know that we are not more important to his brother. It's not a matter to "get over"...it's not like I'm grieving or crying over it. But it has had a lasting effect of making me less interested in investing in a relationship with a BIL who doesn't consider us a very important part of his life.

[Anonymous]

Well, it's refreshing that this thread has reinforced that people are happy to let you live your own life, unless it conflicts with them feeling special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much game time is the freshman on varsity going to get? Is he a prodigy? Yes-it's OP's first wedding and she is his aunt. That means a wedding with family and 50 to 60 people.

The spin for the coach is not so much the wedding but it is a major family gathering including elderly that might not be around much longer. ie great grandparents, great aunts, grandparents. My wedding was the last event for all to be together.

I'm a PP above who got married at 40 and was disappointed that her young cousins did not attend. That is totally the point of my disappointment -- I had hoped it would be a milestone family occasion for the WHOLE family, not for my own entertainment. I know that realistically I would not have spent much 1-1 time with those individual cousins, but I had aunts and uncles, great aunts and uncles, and other extended family members who traveled long distances to attend. They would have loved to have been able to spend time with their grand nieces and nephews. This is what family is about, multi-generations, doing things together, making memories together.

When I was growing up, we all went through phases when family events were boring. I remember how completely insufferable my older brother was when we took a trip to the country of my father's birth when he was 14. He drove us all nuts with complaining because there were no good TV stations. But now he's nearly 50 and looks back on the trip with fondness, and we all tell stories about what an insufferable jerk he was at that time. We have great memories of it together.

I don't subscribe to excusing teenagers from participating in the family because they care about other things more than seeing great-granny or dancing to music they don't enjoy. Teenagers are part of the family and part of life. I remember one of my cousins letting her middle school and high school aged daughter have Christmas and Thanksgiving family dinners at her boyfriend's house rather than with our family every year, because she enjoyed him more. Now of course they're broken up and she's in her 20's and feels like she missed out on so many great occasions that everyone else talks about. Teenagers can't be expected to have the right priorities all the time; they're teenagers. They don't have the wisdom yet to know that sometimes the opportunity to sit next to your great-great uncle who was in the Battle of the Bulge and listen to his stories is actually more important than a soccer game or a date with your girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I havent read all the posts but its really not about if a 14 y.o. cares about your wedding. Its about a chance for the entire family to be together, which sounds like something that doesnt happen too often if you are in different states.

Its also an opprtunity to think about priorities. I know DCUM never thinks anything family related is a priority (see the post where a poster told the mom she is neglecting her 20 m.o. for trying to talk to her grandmother on the phone for 10 mins a day) or all the people who hate their siblings, in-laws, parents, etc. But some of us put a very high value on family and being together and there for each other in the time of big events - like weddings, etc. - even if it means sacrificing a little of our own happiness.

What if a grandparent were sick and they werent sure if they could see them again?
What if a parent were having surgery and needed help/care but the kid had a big test?
What happens when the child is an adult and their kid needs them to take off work for a school play?

If we dont instill in our kids that being there for family - in good and bad - is important, then they are unlikely to make family a priority in the future. To me, thats a much more important value than committing to a soccer game.

Totally agree. The fact that a 14 year old will be bored at a wedding is pretty irrelevant. 14 year olds are pretty much bored all the time unless they are hyper-stimulated. That doesn't mean you don't go. Family is important, and you show up and participate in important events. It's about the whole family being together and enjoying each other's company, not about making the bride the center of attention. I have attended many dozens of family wedding events that were not my own and they are all important to me because I got to dance with my uncles, talk with my aunts, get tipsy with my cousins, and generally just get to spend time in the company of people that I don't often see, all while we cemented the new couple into our family unit by surrounding them with love and care as they start their first day as their own family. It's not about appeasing the bride's self-centeredness, it's about being part of a circle of family for births, weddings, deaths, and all of the stages in between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I think the lesson here for me is for when I have kids and how to navigate this sports (or other activity) world and keep true to my value or priority of family first. How that works within the lives of kids/teens. How to place the context for the family, despite possibly restrictive circumstances and clear benefits of the activities and the commitment to those. Definitely hard. But I keep coming back to - for me - a tournament or sporting event is not more important than a big family event like this (my wedding or if my mom got remarried or if my dad won the nobel prize). I do recognize that as my personal value. Not to be required of others. I think I'm just really still surprised. Maybe that's naive as hell.

This has been an interesting thread OP. I'm guessing you will not dwell on your niece's absence for very long, and that all will be just fine in the end.

One thing to keep in mind about the responses you got from those of us who were worried about your "nephew" missing his first "soccer" games as a freshman member of the varsity team: had you given us the actual details about the child/sport/age, you might have gotten very different responses. To me and many others, that particular scenario would be very different from a middle schooler missing a cross-country meet or an elementary student missing part of a diving tournament. One of my kids is a top player on a top soccer team, and neither we nor his coaches would hesitate to let him miss a tournament or league game for an aunt's wedding, unless perhaps it were a national championship game. His coaches and teammates have known him for years and appreciate his contributions to the team. That's very different from someone trying to break into a new team in HS with an unknown coach and teammates.

OP here. Sorry about that. Only changes are gender and sport. High school and 14 and freshman and pre-season tourney and all the rest is accurate. I can't say about the consequences and the coach's perspective etc. My sister and BIL have to make the call based on what they know or think they know.

Spoke to my mom about it this morning and she just feels bad for everyone but ultimately that it is what it is and stinks but wants us to try not to be upset about it. And she assured me she'd be there! This is not going to torpedo us. We've all disappointed eachother before. You feel it, you get irked/hurt by it, you try to share that respectfully without doing any lasting relationship damage, you reaffirm love and that's what's important, and you move on. This is how we are close I would say. It takes effort and intentional language and behavior. A work in progress, but good success so far. And thankfully we have the context of 40+ years of generally good stuff. Had this been one of a million wrongs I was keeping track of against my sister (some sisters are jerks, just not mine), I'm sure it would be different.

[Anonymous]

Also, I really don't think my "nephew" would be completely bored. More bored than at the uber fun tournament, no doubt! But I believe he was legitimately excited for the small wedding where to us it was about family. I think he felt it was a little bit about him and us collectively and not just about me and my partner. And that is my view, it's for all of us. I think my family shares that view based on the wedding planning and discussions and excitement so far. But then there was this important tournament. And the kid's high school experience is also very important clearly.

[Anonymous]

op, you might have to get used to more of this. i can say from experience that people get used to taking the single, older aunt for granted and may have a hard time adjusting to you having a family of your own. Try not to keep tabs, otherwise you will feel bitter.