Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a really reasonable, loving person. Congrats on your wedding - I hope you have an awesome time and that your extended family makes wonderful memories. And I hope you get to become a mom and raise another kid around here who will have different priorities - we need more of you to be parenting out here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one question for OP.

Since you and sis and nephew are so close and all, how many times have you travelled to see your nephew play soccer? To me, that is important because you think that he should be sacrificing something important to him so that he can attend something that is important to you. So I want to know if it flows both ways. Would be nice for you to take time and make the effort to support him before you express disappointment in him not supporting you, if you have not already.

That being said, my kids are athletes, we would let them choose, and given how close they are with their aunts and uncles, they would choose and have chosen the family event. But our family is full of club, HS and college athletes so the family would 100% understand if someone missed something because of an important tournament. At the same time, we all gather up and attend the sporting events of the young people in our family. Nothing for us to have 10 family members at an important game. So our kids would remember that Aunt Lucy came to their championship game and they would want to support Aunt Lucy in her big day. In my opinion, it is not about sports being more important than family. It is about family members mutually supporting each other in endeavors that are important to the one participating. It is VERY condescending to belittle the boy's activity and the work he put in to make varsity so I think that is the wrong way to look at it.

Missing a game was only an issue one time. When DD was in HS, she attended her cousin's wedding and missed a college showcase tournament. She made the decision and we supported it. The problem was that a few college coaches came expecting to see her and not all of them got the word that she would not be playing. So that took some smoothing over and we know in one case, a college coach crossed her off the list because of it. Otherwise, we have never had a problem.

Are you really equating a soccer game to an (ideally) once in a lifetime wedding? I'm all about showing up for important events in my nephews' lives - I've been to birthdays and school plays and sports events - but you cannot seriously say that an adult should not expect a teenager to attend her wedding unless the adult considers a soccer game as important as a wedding. Weddings are sacraments (if you believe in such) or at the very least significant milestone legal ceremonies that are supposed to happen once in life. A child may have dozens and dozens of soccer games a year. The two are not even remotely equivalent, and if you are teaching your kid such, you are seriously de-valuing the importance of public commitment ceremonies.

Depends on the game. Believe it or not, there are some HS games that are once in a lifetime games - state championship games, for example. But I think that sports creates an extreme reaction in people, so let's pick another subject that requires time, effort and commitment. Suppose OP's neice or nephew plays first chair viola in a select travel orchestra and the scheduling conflict is a regional compeition. Suppose he or she is in a youth ballet company and a performance (his/her first with that company) is scheduled in conflict with a family event. Although some would not admit it, this would probably be a tougher situation for some folks on here.

As far as what I am teaching my kids, I teach them that the marriage is more important than the wedding. Like I said (and you ignored), my kids would likely choose to attend the wedding and miss the game because they genuinely value family and are close with everyone in the family. I would be 100% fine with that. We have cultivated a family first atmosphere with our kids by supporting other family members in their interests and spending time with extended family and vice versa. So, if they were ever in a situation where they felt compelled to choose the game, most in our family would understand and not hold it against them - they would think that it has to be a darn big game for our kids to miss the event. And we certainly would not tell any of the kids that the activity that they have given time, effort and commitment to is unimportant.

[Anonymous]

Op, I've posted in support of you several times on this thread, and I'll just emphasize this part of my response again: noteithstanding your own difference in priorities with your sister and your disappointment in the end result, you are responding in a very mature, forgiving and calm way and it is because of this that this will be a minor wrinkle, and not a tear, in your family. Many best wishes on your upcoming wedding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the hell? I can't believe these people who are saying that a soccer tournament is more important than a family wedding. It's not like this kid is going to be a professional athlete -- and if he was, missing one weekend tournament would not get in his way. People have FUCKED up values around here if they would really let a teenager choose a hobby over his extended family. Jeez.

+1
He will have 7 million tournaments and games. Sports take up every single weekend and for what end?

[Anonymous]

You can't plan your wedding around other people or you will drive yourself crazy.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound gracious. I feel sorry for your nephew actually. I am definitely reading between the lines here so maybe I'm totally off-base, but it sounds to me like there's a bit of favoritism going on with your niece and if that's going on, he's going to pick the tournament even if he feels bad about it because it's a chance for him to feel important compared to his sister.

You could really have a positive impact on his life by reaching out to him and explaining that you understand and basically affirming you think he's important, and that's why you wanted him at the wedding, but you understand the importance of his tournament or whatever. He probably won't react with much grace at 14, but I bet years later you'd hear about how much it meant to him.

Again maybe reading too much between the lines but it sounds to me like he may be used to getting forgotten like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you can believe in that sentiment and still think it is crazy not to attend the wedding. As a pp so nicely said, it's not about an attendance sheet, it's about sharing in your joys and sorrows with those closest to you. I would be disappointed if my nephew were not at my wedding, and as the sister it would be very important to me that my family and I be at my sister's wedding. Not because ai want to check some imaginary box, but because I'd want to share in her joy!

And you'd be there to share her joy. What you're saying is the you want your son there to share her joy, as a command performance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, I really don't think my "nephew" would be completely bored. More bored than at the uber fun tournament, no doubt! But I believe he was legitimately excited for the small wedding where to us it was about family. I think he felt it was a little bit about him and us collectively and not just about me and my partner. And that is my view, it's for all of us. I think my family shares that view based on the wedding planning and discussions and excitement so far. But then there was this important tournament. And the kid's high school experience is also very important clearly.

Hi OP. I'm the PP you were responding to above. I don't think your "nephew" would be bored at your wedding either, based on your descriptions of your family, and don't think that's a factor that ought to be weighed into a decision like this. I know my nieces of the same age would come fully prepared to have a great time at a similar event (esp. if there were the prospect of any cute boy guests)--we all love a good party, and will have fun whenever the extended family is together.

It's just that I don't think the people who are belittling your sister's decision have a full picture of what it's like for a child at such a vulnerable age to be starting a sport at a new place with a new team and coach for the very first time. It's not just one of 7,000 other games. It's the first step for something that will likely be very important in the kid's high school career, and first impressions can truly be make or break, esp. if the coach is not top-notch, which many high school ones are not. I imagine the tournament will be more pressure-filled than fun as the kid works to try to get a starting position.

Best wishes for your wedding, and I'm glad your mom is planning to come!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Agree he gets the shaft in this arena. On the other note, I don't know that he even had a chance to make a choice (I think the parents said hey you need to go, sorry sorry sorry we failed you and screwed up the dates), though I'm sure he'd be so upset to miss the tourney. My sis said he just got quiet and teary when she raised the surprise problem, and then she pivoted to we will drive up there and see them shortly thereafter to celebrate.

I'm no saint (at all!) but do try to channel my better self. The worse self just isn't going to do any good here and I'll lose more in the long-run. I just sent my sis a text saying hey I was very surprised and you caught me off guard, and my reaction had disappointment and sadness in it, but I'm proud of the nephew and excited he's on the team. That was a dodge of some of the negative/judgy stuff I feel, but I was thinking why go there. It's already a choice and we just need to go with it. Let her respond to all the questions at the wedding of where's ----- with "he had a lacrosse tourney." All will be ok. Thanks for helping me vent and say/feel my stronger stuff with you than with my family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is important to teach kids to commit, but not blindly! The normal standard for adult activities would permit ceding other committments in order to attend important family events. I think it is fine to teach a kid that they might need to push back against people making unreasonable demands on their time.

And as a side note, what kind of coach punishes a kid for going to a family wedding? Something has gotten a little out of whack and I would be concerned about my kid being involved in an activity that does not have appropriate boundaries. Olympic trials or state championship, ok. But early season tournament? Sorry. Not the be all end all.

Exactly. And this wedding was known almost a year in advance. Give me a break on the "you made a commitment to the team" shit. His aunt has gone to everyone of his events since he was born. She some f'ing respect and go to her one event.

20 years ago this would never of happened anywhere. How parents and now their kids prioritize sports is ridiculous these days.

[Anonymous]

My son is a 13 yr old travel soccer player who hopes to try out for his high school team next year as a freshman. My daughter runs xc and track as a current sophomore. We've been involved with our kids's sports for years, and take team commitments seriously. But in a situation such as this we would have my son miss the tournament. And that isn't a decision I would leave to him at that age, it would be the parents' call.

Having said that, as the bride, I wouldn't put much more thought into this one guest's attendance. The day is for you and your husband-to-be. Congratulations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is important to teach kids to commit, but not blindly! The normal standard for adult activities would permit ceding other committments in order to attend important family events. I think it is fine to teach a kid that they might need to push back against people making unreasonable demands on their time.

And as a side note, what kind of coach punishes a kid for going to a family wedding? Something has gotten a little out of whack and I would be concerned about my kid being involved in an activity that does not have appropriate boundaries. Olympic trials or state championship, ok. But early season tournament? Sorry. Not the be all end all.

Exactly. And this wedding was known almost a year in advance. Give me a break on the "you made a commitment to the team" shit. His aunt has gone to everyone of his events since he was born. She some f'ing respect and go to her one event.

20 years ago this would never of happened anywhere. How parents and now their kids prioritize sports is ridiculous these days.

No, 20 years ago (actually more than that), I was allowed to choose. But then again, I was also allowed to walk a mile to school, do my own laundry, and a whole bunch of things. I usually chose the right things, but when I didn't, I suffered the consequence. I may not have known it till after, but it's how I became an independent, thoughtful adult.

The detail everyone is neglecting is that auntie moved her date(s) to accommodate niece's (who is the older child's) sporting/ hobby events. Parents (and thus, auntie) neglected to account for nephew. So, basically the entire event was set to accommodate niece. Now nephew is getting flak because he doesn't warrant the same attention, but presumedly, his events are important to HIM?

[Anonymous]

I guess my family is close but we have never had anyone miss a family wedding to go to a sporting ever. Ever! And we have major athletics from college lacrosse, travel ice hockey, college tennis, HS baseball, travel softball, club lacrosse. am shocked so many parents would go to their sibling wedding and say "oh John had a soccer game so he blew off his aunts wedding." My daughter missed a travel A softball showcase tournament to go to a family wedding. She was back to pitching the next week's tournament. Her coach always says family first, school work 2nd and softball third. And she had a blast at the wedding. So many cousins and 2nd cousins she rarely sees. I couldn't have imagined celebrating without her.

OP, I am so sorry your sister didn't reciprocate how important family is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is important to teach kids to commit, but not blindly! The normal standard for adult activities would permit ceding other committments in order to attend important family events. I think it is fine to teach a kid that they might need to push back against people making unreasonable demands on their time.

And as a side note, what kind of coach punishes a kid for going to a family wedding? Something has gotten a little out of whack and I would be concerned about my kid being involved in an activity that does not have appropriate boundaries. Olympic trials or state championship, ok. But early season tournament? Sorry. Not the be all end all.

Exactly. And this wedding was known almost a year in advance. Give me a break on the "you made a commitment to the team" shit. His aunt has gone to everyone of his events since he was born. She some f'ing respect and go to her one event.

20 years ago this would never of happened anywhere. How parents and now their kids prioritize sports is ridiculous these days.

No, 20 years ago (actually more than that), I was allowed to choose. But then again, I was also allowed to walk a mile to school, do my own laundry, and a whole bunch of things. I usually chose the right things, but when I didn't, I suffered the consequence. I may not have known it till after, but it's how I became an independent, thoughtful adult.

The detail everyone is neglecting is that auntie moved her date(s) to accommodate niece's (who is the older child's) sporting/ hobby events. Parents (and thus, auntie) neglected to account for nephew. So, basically the entire event was set to accommodate niece. Now nephew is getting flak because he doesn't warrant the same attention, but presumedly, his events are important to HIM?

Totally agree with this. I think this is likely a pattern and he got teary because it was yet another reminder of where he stands in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: In our school they are very vindictive if you miss a tournament for ANY reason. They just are. So nephew will be sitting on the bench unless he is a star for the rest of the season. I would let him miss the wedding.

This. My DC is a starting player in his varsity team and is a freshman. He would definitely be penalized for missing a tournament even a practice. The coach would likely tells us it's okay to attend the wedding but penalized him anyway. Coaches make examples out of players to retain control. If their mind if they allow any excuse other than injury and illness, other players will take advantage and that can derail team spirit. I would have considered it if my kid was playing on a freshman team. Making Varsity as a 14 year old is a big deal; you don't miss games. Missing for a funeral is a different story, the coach might be able to relate, otherwise, it is a subjective call and a tough call for your sister.

I have had the same experience as these posters. My kids' club team coaches would have zero problem with them missing a game for a wedding, even if it was a big game, and they would not penalize them. Their high school soccer coaches? Totally different story.

Unless the nephew has an unusually decent high school coach, there is a strong chance that he will suffer for the decision to skip the wedding, especially given that this will be the first games he has ever played with the high school team. There goes his chance to make a good impression at the start of his high school career. That sort of thing actually can be a make or break moment in a 14 year old's life.

With respect to OP's question about whether the answer would be different if it were a girl, I'd say no--exactly the same calculus (maybe moreso if she's a high school star, as she's more likely to get a soccer scholarship or admissions bump than a similaly abled boy). I can't easily imagine a situation where a ten year old would face any serious repercussions for missing a sports event, so in that case it seems like an easy decision to attend the wedding.

Yes, it is very messed up, but so is the amount of power given to HS coaches. There might be a reasonable one here or there, but we have access to six local HS and I have not found a single coach who would be truly understanding about this. Do not understand or agree, but after my HS student has put in so much time, I end up going along like everyone else.