When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a spouse does not want sex and there is only low level conflict in the marriage, there are only three options

1. Suffer. Morally miserable and you feel dead inside and outside.

2. Divorce. Moral but the kids may suffer from single parenting or rotation between parents. If a child has some medical condition this maybe in-feasible. If the marriage is high conflict then it is probably the best choice.

3. Cheat. In-moral, high risk if caught.

Each option is bad.

If I were the low drive spouse in a low conflict, otherwise happy marriage, I would tell my spouse to have discreet physical affairs. I mean, if I didn't want sex, what would it hurt me? Better to let them get it elsewhere than destruct a family and an otherwise agreeable existence because I won't have sex and am too prideful to allow an affair. I think I would ask that they keep it discreet so that I and our friends don't know, and keep it purely physical so it doesn't detract from our family life. That's a good option #4. There is a chance of the spouse leaving you for the AP but there's a decent chance if the spouse leaving you in the other scenarios as well. Might as well try a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Christ on a crutch. Just more hoops to jump through. I've been a good dad. I've pulled my weight at home. I have been a good provider. I'm in shape. I cleaned up. I've gotten a babysitter. I've taken my wife on a nice date. I'm taking the babysitter home. But this is not enough for her to want to have sex with me. This is not enough to make her excited enough by my presence that she can be bothered to hold out another 20 minutes.

But, all hope is not lost you tell me! Maybe if I just got another babysitter, that would make my wife want to jump me. Maybe if I told her to stay in her clothes so I could get her another drink and kissed her and told her she looks really beautiful again and talked to her some more like a person (because I've done all these things sincerely and happily while on the date) -- *now* it's going to work! This is what will get her all hot & bothered. And, if that doesn't work, I'm sure we can move the goal posts yet some more.

And even if we pile up the requirements high enough, and each one is met, and it's finally enough to get her interested in sex with me -- is that even sustainable in the long term? Let's say I'd like to have sex like once or twice a week. And I want her to *want* to have sex with me. With that level of effort required to get her interested, is it even sustainable week after week, month after month, while still holding down a job, taking care of the house, managing the kids, etc.?

You are venting, I get it. You know this is not constructive, though. I feel like you are still reluctant to confront your DW though. I would recommend that, in a calm and pleasant tone, you tell your DW that the current state of sexuality/physical affection is so bad for you that you are contemplating divorce, that you don't want to do that, and that you are willing to consider counseling or whatever might improve the situation. If she is willing to work with you, do your best. If not, pull the trigger now. Life is too short. But you owe it to her and you to be completely explicit about where you are, and let the chips fall where they will. You don't have to live this way, but you do owe her a crystal clear warning and a chance to do the right thing.

You're right, I was venting. And, in fact, I have had that conversation with my wife. It helped. It helped a lot more than my efforts prior to that conversation which involved trying to follow a lot of this chore-play and date night stuff. Those efforts accomplished precisely nothing. The conversation motivated her to ditch the hormonal birth control she liked so much because she stopped having periods and to make time to do stuff like read romance novels and get her head in a sexier mood. My ability to get her in a sexy mood has limited results if she isn't making an effort to play along. It just doesn't occur to her. Then when I try to initiate sex, it kind of catches her by surprise and she tends to feel like I'm just springing it on her -- even if we've just gotten back from a date or whatever.

I just listened to a podcast where the guest was talking about responsive desire, spontaneous desire, context dependent desire that was pretty insightful. I had to turn it off when she was just getting into the underpinnings of responsive desire having to do with trust, affection, stress, and explicit eroticism. Also about how people have what amounts to a sex drive brake and gas pedal and that these things can be working at the same time. Couple that with varying sensitivities on the gas and brake, and it helps to understand what's going on behind the variability of desire most people have. I just found this page by the guest that gets into some of it:
http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/16/i-drew-this-graph-about-sexual-desire-and-i-think-it-might-change-your-life/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude. You sound like a DICK. Who plans a divorce 10+ years ahead of time??? If your wife was aware of the plan she would probably speed up the process for you
Is it safe to assume that NOBODY wants to stay married to someone who plans to divorce "when the kids are in college"? And in the meantime there is no sex????? You are crazy. Just get a divorce. There must be hundreds of women dying to spread their legs for your awesomeness. Don't keep them waiting!

I'm sure that OP will have women lined up around the block to be with an emotionally selfish, passive aggressive, and apparently not very good in bed middle-aged loser. Yeah, line starts here, ladies! lmao.

Thanks for the laugh.

Hey OP would you let the ladies of DCUM write up your profile for match.com once you are ready to unleash your hot single self??? Pleeeease? Come on DCUM girls, who wants to help out with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude. You sound like a DICK. Who plans a divorce 10+ years ahead of time??? If your wife was aware of the plan she would probably speed up the process for you
Is it safe to assume that NOBODY wants to stay married to someone who plans to divorce "when the kids are in college"? And in the meantime there is no sex????? You are crazy. Just get a divorce. There must be hundreds of women dying to spread their legs for your awesomeness. Don't keep them waiting!

I'm sure that OP will have women lined up around the block to be with an emotionally selfish, passive aggressive, and apparently not very good in bed middle-aged loser. Yeah, line starts here, ladies! lmao.

Thanks for the laugh.

Hey OP would you let the ladies of DCUM write up your profile for match.com once you are ready to unleash your hot single self??? Pleeeease? Come on DCUM girls, who wants to help out with this?

Lol!! me me me!

I have the first lines ready:

"Be prepared, if you gain 5 pounds I will lord it over your head and bring it up to others as the onus of everything that has gone wrong in the relationship. Keep in mind, I am ENTITLED to sex, to feel loved and cared for at all times. So you better be ready to lie back and take it- and act enthusiastic!! And dont be ridiculous and suggest I take you on dates and book a babysitter- that's WAYYYY to much work and why do IIIIIII have to do everything? It's not fair!!!1!!1!!!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your wife is a SAHM I think you owe it to her to tell her you plan to divorce when the kids go to college so she can make a plan to support herself.

This is simple but good advice. You should tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude. You sound like a DICK. Who plans a divorce 10+ years ahead of time??? If your wife was aware of the plan she would probably speed up the process for you
Is it safe to assume that NOBODY wants to stay married to someone who plans to divorce "when the kids are in college"? And in the meantime there is no sex????? You are crazy. Just get a divorce. There must be hundreds of women dying to spread their legs for your awesomeness. Don't keep them waiting!

I'm sure that OP will have women lined up around the block to be with an emotionally selfish, passive aggressive, and apparently not very good in bed middle-aged loser. Yeah, line starts here, ladies! lmao.

Thanks for the laugh.

Hey OP would you let the ladies of DCUM write up your profile for match.com once you are ready to unleash your hot single self??? Pleeeease? Come on DCUM girls, who wants to help out with this?

Lol!! me me me!

I have the first lines ready:

"Be prepared, if you gain 5 pounds I will lord it over your head and bring it up to others as the onus of everything that has gone wrong in the relationship. Keep in mind, I am ENTITLED to sex, to feel loved and cared for at all times. So you better be ready to lie back and take it- and act enthusiastic!! And dont be ridiculous and suggest I take you on dates and book a babysitter- that's WAYYYY to much work and why do IIIIIII have to do everything? It's not fair!!!1!!1!!!"

Yes, keep laughing ladies. You're gonna need that wry sense of humor when you come to realize that your babysitter-getting, massage-arranging, glass of wine-fetching hubby is getting sucked and fucked by the little hottie in HR.

See the thing is: We don't need you.

But you need us.

[Anonymous]

^^^ Lol. And we'll divorce you and split up the net worth. I'm truly shaking in my boots, oh no....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude. You sound like a DICK. Who plans a divorce 10+ years ahead of time??? If your wife was aware of the plan she would probably speed up the process for you
Is it safe to assume that NOBODY wants to stay married to someone who plans to divorce "when the kids are in college"? And in the meantime there is no sex????? You are crazy. Just get a divorce. There must be hundreds of women dying to spread their legs for your awesomeness. Don't keep them waiting!

I'm sure that OP will have women lined up around the block to be with an emotionally selfish, passive aggressive, and apparently not very good in bed middle-aged loser. Yeah, line starts here, ladies! lmao.

Thanks for the laugh.

Hey OP would you let the ladies of DCUM write up your profile for match.com once you are ready to unleash your hot single self??? Pleeeease? Come on DCUM girls, who wants to help out with this?

Lol!! me me me!

I have the first lines ready:

"Be prepared, if you gain 5 pounds I will lord it over your head and bring it up to others as the onus of everything that has gone wrong in the relationship. Keep in mind, I am ENTITLED to sex, to feel loved and cared for at all times. So you better be ready to lie back and take it- and act enthusiastic!! And dont be ridiculous and suggest I take you on dates and book a babysitter- that's WAYYYY to much work and why do IIIIIII have to do everything? It's not fair!!!1!!1!!!"

Yes, keep laughing ladies. You're gonna need that wry sense of humor when you come to realize that your babysitter-getting, massage-arranging, glass of wine-fetching hubby is getting sucked and fucked by the little hottie in HR.

See the thing is: We don't need you.

But you need us.

Beem him up Scotty, he is stuck in 1952.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude. You sound like a DICK. Who plans a divorce 10+ years ahead of time??? If your wife was aware of the plan she would probably speed up the process for you
Is it safe to assume that NOBODY wants to stay married to someone who plans to divorce "when the kids are in college"? And in the meantime there is no sex????? You are crazy. Just get a divorce. There must be hundreds of women dying to spread their legs for your awesomeness. Don't keep them waiting!

I'm sure that OP will have women lined up around the block to be with an emotionally selfish, passive aggressive, and apparently not very good in bed middle-aged loser. Yeah, line starts here, ladies! lmao.

Thanks for the laugh.

Hey OP would you let the ladies of DCUM write up your profile for match.com once you are ready to unleash your hot single self??? Pleeeease? Come on DCUM girls, who wants to help out with this?

Lol!! me me me!

I have the first lines ready:

"Be prepared, if you gain 5 pounds I will lord it over your head and bring it up to others as the onus of everything that has gone wrong in the relationship. Keep in mind, I am ENTITLED to sex, to feel loved and cared for at all times. So you better be ready to lie back and take it- and act enthusiastic!! And dont be ridiculous and suggest I take you on dates and book a babysitter- that's WAYYYY to much work and why do IIIIIII have to do everything? It's not fair!!!1!!1!!!"

Yes, keep laughing ladies. You're gonna need that wry sense of humor when you come to realize that your babysitter-getting, massage-arranging, glass of wine-fetching hubby is getting sucked and fucked by the little hottie in HR.

See the thing is: We don't need you.

But you need us.

Beem him up Scotty, he is stuck in 1952.

Lol, seriously. Someone get him back, and fast!
http://s717.photobucket.com/user/prestonjjrtr/media/Smileys/Star%20Trek/WorfLOL.gif.html

[Anonymous]

Op, your wife probably doesn't feel sexy due to her weight gain. Not feeling sexy is a HUGE components to a woman's libido. Instead of this "poor me" mentality, have you tried romancing your wife? Buy her some lingerie, cook her dinner, learn some massage techniques. Learn how to seduce her and how to seduce her well. Learn some new sex techniques. You have to give her something to want and look forward to.

I was where your wife was with sex about once a month. My husband had your same poor me mentality and it was all my fault that he had to go elsewhere. I said to him, well if you put as much effort into our relationship as you did this other one, maybe things would be different. A light bulb seemed to go off. My husband figured out how to seduce me and now sex is all I think about...3-5 times a week.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is the same guy who has started multiple threads in this topic. If he spent less time on DCUM he might be happier in his marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is the same guy who has started multiple threads in this topic. If he spent less time on DCUM he might be happier in his marriage.

I think so too. I noticed a comment posted right above his nonsensical rambling statement about listening to the podcast where libido was talked about in terms of differing drives, that said "the partner with the lower drive". So it was pretty much identical verbiage, just a very similar way of talking. I'm guessing OP's wife uses DCUM and he is making a cowardly and borderline abusive attempt to intimidate her into fucking him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, your wife probably doesn't feel sexy due to her weight gain. Not feeling sexy is a HUGE components to a woman's libido. Instead of this "poor me" mentality, have you tried romancing your wife? Buy her some lingerie, cook her dinner, learn some massage techniques. Learn how to seduce her and how to seduce her well. Learn some new sex techniques. You have to give her something to want and look forward to.

I was where your wife was with sex about once a month. My husband had your same poor me mentality and it was all my fault that he had to go elsewhere. I said to him, well if you put as much effort into our relationship as you did this other one, maybe things would be different. A light bulb seemed to go off. My husband figured out how to seduce me and now sex is all I think about...3-5 times a week.

THIS exactly! But OP already shot down suggestions he put some effort into other things... no according to OP this is unfair and too much work for him. Maybe he should just buy a real doll or something...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your wife is a SAHM I think you owe it to her to tell her you plan to divorce when the kids go to college so she can make a plan to support herself.

This is simple but good advice. You should tell her.

New Poster. I have told my wife this (1 1/2 years left) but she refuses to believe this. In her mind, the status quo will remain until one of us dies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is the same guy who has started multiple threads in this topic. If he spent less time on DCUM he might be happier in his marriage.

I think so too. I noticed a comment posted right above his nonsensical rambling statement about listening to the podcast where libido was talked about in terms of differing drives, that said "the partner with the lower drive". So it was pretty much identical verbiage, just a very similar way of talking. I'm guessing OP's wife uses DCUM and he is making a cowardly and borderline abusive attempt to intimidate her into fucking him.

Yep. Same guy who posted before about "responsive desire," right?