Reply to When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

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Reply to "When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

Christ on a crutch. Just more hoops to jump through. I've been a good dad. I've pulled my weight at home. I have been a good provider.  I'm in shape. I cleaned up.  I've gotten a babysitter. I've taken my wife on a nice date. I'm taking the babysitter home. But this is not enough for her to want to have sex with me. This is not enough to make her excited enough by my presence that she can be bothered to hold out another 20 minutes.

But, all hope is not lost you tell me! Maybe if I just got another babysitter, that would make my wife want to jump me. Maybe if I told her to stay in her clothes so I could get her another drink and kissed her and told her she looks really beautiful again and talked to her some more like a person (because I've done all these things sincerely and happily while on the date) -- *now* it's going to work! This is what will get her all hot & bothered. And, if that doesn't work, I'm sure we can move the goal posts yet some more.

And even if we pile up the requirements high enough, and each one is met, and it's finally enough to get her interested in sex with me -- is that even sustainable in the long term? Let's say I'd like to have sex like once or twice a week. And I want her to *want* to have sex with me. With that level of effort required to get her interested, is it even sustainable week after week, month after month, while still holding down a job, taking care of the house, managing the kids, etc.?[/quote]

You are venting, I get it.  You know this is not constructive, though.  I feel like you are still reluctant to confront your DW though.  I would recommend that, in a calm and pleasant tone, you tell your DW that the current state of sexuality/physical affection is so bad for you that you are contemplating divorce, that you don't want to do that, and that you are willing to consider counseling or whatever might improve the situation.  If she is willing to work with you, do your best.   If not, pull the trigger now.  Life is too short.  But you owe it to her and you to be completely explicit about where you are, and let the chips fall where they will.  You don't have to live this way, but you do owe her a crystal clear warning and a chance to do the right thing.  [/quote]

You're right, I was venting. And, in fact, I have had that conversation with my wife. It helped. It helped a lot more than my efforts prior to that conversation which involved trying to follow a lot of this chore-play and date night stuff. Those efforts accomplished precisely nothing. The conversation motivated her to ditch the hormonal birth control she liked so much because she stopped having periods and to make time to do stuff like read romance novels and get her head in a sexier mood. My ability to get her in a sexy mood has limited results if she isn't making an effort to play along. It just doesn't occur to her. Then when I try to initiate sex, it kind of catches her by surprise and she tends to feel like I'm just springing it on her -- even if we've just gotten back from a date or whatever.

I just listened to a podcast where the guest was talking about responsive desire, spontaneous desire, context dependent desire that was pretty insightful. I had to turn it off when she was just getting into the underpinnings of responsive desire having to do with trust, affection, stress, and explicit eroticism. Also about how people have what amounts to a sex drive brake and gas pedal and that these things can be working at the same time. Couple that with varying sensitivities on the gas and brake, and it helps to understand what's going on behind the variability of desire most people have. I just found this page by the guest that gets into some of it: 
http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/16/i-drew-this-graph-about-sexual-desire-and-i-think-it-might-change-your-life/[/quote]

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