When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your wife is a SAHM I think you owe it to her to tell her you plan to divorce when the kids go to college so she can make a plan to support herself.

This is simple but good advice. You should tell her.

New Poster. I have told my wife this (1 1/2 years left) but she refuses to believe this. In her mind, the status quo will remain until one of us dies.

Then you let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is the same guy who has started multiple threads in this topic. If he spent less time on DCUM he might be happier in his marriage.

I think so too. I noticed a comment posted right above his nonsensical rambling statement about listening to the podcast where libido was talked about in terms of differing drives, that said "the partner with the lower drive". So it was pretty much identical verbiage, just a very similar way of talking. I'm guessing OP's wife uses DCUM and he is making a cowardly and borderline abusive attempt to intimidate her into fucking him.

Yep. Same guy who posted before about "responsive desire," right?

Yes, exactly. Pretty transparent. I think he's been assuming various different personalities advocating that the wife is wrong throughout the day.

[Anonymous]

You mommies are so sleuthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Planning date nights with no expectation of sex?"

That's the only kind of date night I plan. I have no reason to have an expectation of sex because sex never happens.

That's cruel. My husband takes me out, I'm having sex with him.

Most the time, by the time I get the babysitter taken home (maybe a 15-20 minute process), my wife has changed into frumpy clothes and is asleep. So, I've never really seen the value of the date night advice.

This isn't that hard of a problem to solve. Get a sitter who can drive or who lives near enough to walk. have you made any effort to do that? No, I bet she's in charge of that, right, and it never occurred to you.
And here's another one that might work, and I bet you never tried. Say to her when you get home BEFORE you drop off the babysitter that you think she looks really beautiful just as she is and she shouldn't change out of that outfit because you plan to make her a special cocktail when you get back from dropping off the sitter. Tell her in the meantime, do nothing -- no dishes -- except just relax. And kiss her. In other words, treat her like a human being who you actually like, and she might start to act like a person who thinks of herself that way too.

Christ on a crutch. Just more hoops to jump through. I've been a good dad. I've pulled my weight at home. I have been a good provider. I'm in shape. I cleaned up. I've gotten a babysitter. I've taken my wife on a nice date. I'm taking the babysitter home. But this is not enough for her to want to have sex with me. This is not enough to make her excited enough by my presence that she can be bothered to hold out another 20 minutes.

But, all hope is not lost you tell me! Maybe if I just got another babysitter, that would make my wife want to jump me. Maybe if I told her to stay in her clothes so I could get her another drink and kissed her and told her she looks really beautiful again and talked to her some more like a person (because I've done all these things sincerely and happily while on the date) -- *now* it's going to work! This is what will get her all hot & bothered. And, if that doesn't work, I'm sure we can move the goal posts yet some more.

And even if we pile up the requirements high enough, and each one is met, and it's finally enough to get her interested in sex with me -- is that even sustainable in the long term? Let's say I'd like to have sex like once or twice a week. And I want her to *want* to have sex with me. With that level of effort required to get her interested, is it even sustainable week after week, month after month, while still holding down a job, taking care of the house, managing the kids, etc.?

I do think the getting started is harder, and then keeping it going is easier once you get started. But you don't care. You've given up on your marriage. Do it your way! I don't care. If you're happy bailing, then bail. You seem pretty selfish, so I bet it's a win win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude. You sound like a DICK. Who plans a divorce 10+ years ahead of time??? If your wife was aware of the plan she would probably speed up the process for you
Is it safe to assume that NOBODY wants to stay married to someone who plans to divorce "when the kids are in college"? And in the meantime there is no sex????? You are crazy. Just get a divorce. There must be hundreds of women dying to spread their legs for your awesomeness. Don't keep them waiting!

I'm sure that OP will have women lined up around the block to be with an emotionally selfish, passive aggressive, and apparently not very good in bed middle-aged loser. Yeah, line starts here, ladies! lmao.

Thanks for the laugh.

Hey OP would you let the ladies of DCUM write up your profile for match.com once you are ready to unleash your hot single self??? Pleeeease? Come on DCUM girls, who wants to help out with this?

Lol!! me me me!

I have the first lines ready:

"Be prepared, if you gain 5 pounds I will lord it over your head and bring it up to others as the onus of everything that has gone wrong in the relationship. Keep in mind, I am ENTITLED to sex, to feel loved and cared for at all times. So you better be ready to lie back and take it- and act enthusiastic!! And dont be ridiculous and suggest I take you on dates and book a babysitter- that's WAYYYY to much work and why do IIIIIII have to do everything? It's not fair!!!1!!1!!!"

Yes, keep laughing ladies. You're gonna need that wry sense of humor when you come to realize that your babysitter-getting, massage-arranging, glass of wine-fetching hubby is getting sucked and fucked by the little hottie in HR.

See the thing is: We don't need you.

But you need us.

Um, why exactly? I happen to love my DH, but certainly don't rely on him for survival. Is your wife unemployable? Are you capable of working and caring for the kids solo? Because if not, then you need her too.

[Anonymous]

This isn't that hard of a problem to solve. Get a sitter who can drive or who lives near enough to walk. have you made any effort to do that? No, I bet she's in charge of that, right, and it never occurred to you.
And here's another one that might work, and I bet you never tried. Say to her when you get home BEFORE you drop off the babysitter that you think she looks really beautiful just as she is and she shouldn't change out of that outfit because you plan to make her a special cocktail when you get back from dropping off the sitter. Tell her in the meantime, do nothing -- no dishes -- except just relax. And kiss her. In other words, treat her like a human being who you actually like, and she might start to act like a person who thinks of herself that way too.


Christ on a crutch. Just more hoops to jump through. I've been a good dad. I've pulled my weight at home. I have been a good provider. I'm in shape. I cleaned up. I've gotten a babysitter. I've taken my wife on a nice date. I'm taking the babysitter home. But this is not enough for her to want to have sex with me. This is not enough to make her excited enough by my presence that she can be bothered to hold out another 20 minutes.

But, all hope is not lost you tell me! Maybe if I just got another babysitter, that would make my wife want to jump me. Maybe if I told her to stay in her clothes so I could get her another drink and kissed her and told her she looks really beautiful again and talked to her some more like a person (because I've done all these things sincerely and happily while on the date) -- *now* it's going to work! This is what will get her all hot & bothered. And, if that doesn't work, I'm sure we can move the goal posts yet some more.

And even if we pile up the requirements high enough, and each one is met, and it's finally enough to get her interested in sex with me -- is that even sustainable in the long term? Let's say I'd like to have sex like once or twice a week. And I want her to *want* to have sex with me. With that level of effort required to get her interested, is it even sustainable week after week, month after month, while still holding down a job, taking care of the house, managing the kids, etc.?

I do think the getting started is harder, and then keeping it going is easier once you get started. But you don't care. You've given up on your marriage. Do it your way! I don't care. If you're happy bailing, then bail. You seem pretty selfish, so I bet it's a win win.

These are my thoughts exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Planning date nights with no expectation of sex?"

That's the only kind of date night I plan. I have no reason to have an expectation of sex because sex never happens.

That's cruel. My husband takes me out, I'm having sex with him.

Most the time, by the time I get the babysitter taken home (maybe a 15-20 minute process), my wife has changed into frumpy clothes and is asleep. So, I've never really seen the value of the date night advice.

This isn't that hard of a problem to solve. Get a sitter who can drive or who lives near enough to walk. have you made any effort to do that? No, I bet she's in charge of that, right, and it never occurred to you.
And here's another one that might work, and I bet you never tried. Say to her when you get home BEFORE you drop off the babysitter that you think she looks really beautiful just as she is and she shouldn't change out of that outfit because you plan to make her a special cocktail when you get back from dropping off the sitter. Tell her in the meantime, do nothing -- no dishes -- except just relax. And kiss her. In other words, treat her like a human being who you actually like, and she might start to act like a person who thinks of herself that way too.

Christ on a crutch. Just more hoops to jump through. I've been a good dad. I've pulled my weight at home. I have been a good provider. I'm in shape. I cleaned up. I've gotten a babysitter. I've taken my wife on a nice date. I'm taking the babysitter home. But this is not enough for her to want to have sex with me. This is not enough to make her excited enough by my presence that she can be bothered to hold out another 20 minutes.

But, all hope is not lost you tell me! Maybe if I just got another babysitter, that would make my wife want to jump me. Maybe if I told her to stay in her clothes so I could get her another drink and kissed her and told her she looks really beautiful again and talked to her some more like a person (because I've done all these things sincerely and happily while on the date) -- *now* it's going to work! This is what will get her all hot & bothered. And, if that doesn't work, I'm sure we can move the goal posts yet some more.

And even if we pile up the requirements high enough, and each one is met, and it's finally enough to get her interested in sex with me -- is that even sustainable in the long term? Let's say I'd like to have sex like once or twice a week. And I want her to *want* to have sex with me. With that level of effort required to get her interested, is it even sustainable week after week, month after month, while still holding down a job, taking care of the house, managing the kids, etc.?

I do think the getting started is harder, and then keeping it going is easier once you get started. But you don't care. You've given up on your marriage. Do it your way! I don't care. If you're happy bailing, then bail. You seem pretty selfish, so I bet it's a win win.

x10000000

[Anonymous]

Hey all these "ladies" are saying the same thing:
it's his fault she fat; his tiny dick is why she won't have sex; he needs to clean the bathrooms more....

I think it's really just one fat lazy wife in her bathrobe who posted all these replies.

OP it's just not that hard to get laid!
Forget the wife, expand your horizons.

[Anonymous]

Basically, OP complains that his wife has little redeeming value, and the response is that he needs to jump through hoops to "romance" her.

Maybe she could put in a little effort herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Basically, OP complains that his wife has little redeeming value, and the response is that he needs to jump through hoops to "romance" her.

Maybe she could put in a little effort herself.

Yes, because every woman gets soaked at the thought of a man who thinks he's entitled to sex just because of XYZ.

The key is to never stop romancing your wife. Women have to feel wanted for themselves, not solely as a sexual object. We can tell when you take us out with ulterior motives vs when you take us out because you genuinely want to have a good time together. OP says he has tried the suggested comments but perhaps his wife is picking up on subtle clues as to how OP really feels.

OP, I challenge you to try this just one night. Get a babysitter and plan a date with your wife. Pretend it is your first date ever. You certainly hope it will be your lucky night, but it won't be if your lady doesn't think the night has gone well. In fact, if it doesn't go well, you might never see this lady again. So, do what you need to do to impress her, WITHOUT ANY EXPECTATIONS. I suspect you might find that your lady will be much more responsive to you than you might think.

I also second the poster who said to learn some new tricks in bed. Maybe your wife is bored in bed. You have to give her a reason to want you and keep coming back. She's not going to want sex if she's bored or unfulfilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Basically, OP complains that his wife has little redeeming value, and the response is that he needs to jump through hoops to "romance" her.

Maybe she could put in a little effort herself.

Yes, because every woman gets soaked at the thought of a man who thinks he's entitled to sex just because of XYZ.

The key is to never stop romancing your wife. Women have to feel wanted for themselves, not solely as a sexual object. We can tell when you take us out with ulterior motives vs when you take us out because you genuinely want to have a good time together. OP says he has tried the suggested comments but perhaps his wife is picking up on subtle clues as to how OP really feels.

OP, I challenge you to try this just one night. Get a babysitter and plan a date with your wife. Pretend it is your first date ever. You certainly hope it will be your lucky night, but it won't be if your lady doesn't think the night has gone well. In fact, if it doesn't go well, you might never see this lady again. So, do what you need to do to impress her, WITHOUT ANY EXPECTATIONS. I suspect you might find that your lady will be much more responsive to you than you might think.

I also second the poster who said to learn some new tricks in bed. Maybe your wife is bored in bed. You have to give her a reason to want you and keep coming back. She's not going to want sex if she's bored or unfulfilled.

Exactly. If she doesnt want to have sex, act super happy (non mopey and passive aggressive) and thrilled with how the evening went, and do something the next morning to show you you appreciated her time and dont have any expectations. Sometimes when you know someone wants something from you, it's human nature to feel kind of weighed down by the expectation, and it's a huge turnoff. I guarantee if you start acting like you are genuinely enthralled with her personality, charmed by her, then she will respond. There's a great book by Dr Patricia Allen (lamely called "getting to i do" but w/e) about how men want to feel respected and women want to feel cherished. If you treat her like you CHERISH her, enjoy her time and are enthralled by her, she will be just as turned on as if your woman said to you, "You're the greatest man I've ever met, I feel so safe with you." When you stop cherishing women, it's the same lack of sexiness as if your woman constantly disrespected and ignored you. You may think you're giving her what she wants, but unless you treat this woman like you cherish her, which you obviously dont from how youve spoken about her, then she isn't going to feel sexy around you.

Also, please: look up bedroom techniques. There are a ton of helpful online resources that will show you how to do great foreplay, particularly eating out. It's completed down there, but if you know where to go, it can be a home run every time. No woman can resist that. Take the time and effort to truly care about HER sexual experience and I guarantee you she will start caring more about yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

so you think it is okay for a couple to never go on a date, never take a day off together, never vacation without children, never go away without the family.

You life must SUCK!

Last summer, we had our first three days together without children in 17 years. It was wonderful, but not something we could have done before that. Not everyone has people ready, willing AND able to take care of their children while they go on vacation together. If you do, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

i find this hard to believe.

Don't let that be your excuse not to get away as a couple. We found someone and pay them. Totally worth it!
Why? Not everyone has people to take care of their children for extended amounts of time.

It is nice if you have the extra cash. Lying around. How much do they charge for a child with ASD and another with other issues? I am thinking it isn't cheap.

$20 for a kid with ASD, speech apraxia, and occasional self-injury who needs toileting and bathing assistance. Surprised that I know? The money isn't just "lying around"--we budgeted for it. Raising a severely autistic child is a marathon and we need each other to get through it.

[Anonymous]

^^an hour.

[Anonymous]

Not damaging at all.

But what are you waiting for??

So are you basically going to just wait another decade or so and live your life in misery until then....??

You really are sacrificing a lot now for your children to be happy and that is commendable in itself OP.

But can you really hold out that long? It is going to be a very long time to wait. Something tells me that you won't be able to.

[Anonymous]

This thread should be renamed "Further Evidence for the Case Against Marriage."