In-laws being pushy about visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what might not occur to you first timers:

1. It might be nice for the grandparents (all grandparents—not just the mother’s parents) to pop by the hospital for a quick visit the next day. Nice photo op, and bonus points if they bring the new parents something to eat. (That’s what my parents and in-laws did; we staggered the visits.)

2. Your husband might quickly feel overwhelmed once you get home. He might actually need the help of his parents. Extra hands are usually helpful…particularly if they stay elsewhere but show up with good food and treats for the new parents.

3. You will be running on adrenaline the first week or so…and the baby will sleep a lot. Then you’ll feel exhausted once reality kicks in. You’ll want someone to cuddle the baby while you shower or nap. And so will your husband.

4. Don’t underestimate how exhausted and stressed your husband will be. Let him decide what kind of support he needs.

5. Don’t draw a distinction between your parents and his parents. Everyone should be treated with love.

First let me say that both sets of parents came to the hospital for both births, and both got dedicated time visiting after the birth for both of my babies. So no, you won’t get to accuse me of not “treating everyone with love.”

That said, your #5 is completely ridiculous. You might have a leg to stand on if both parents went through equal hell to bring a baby into this world, but nope. A NEW MOTHER IS A PATIENT. She has gone through a physical ordeal any way the birth went, and she may need rest, privacy, peace, and being cared for by whomever makes her feel the most comfortable and the most confident. Could this be a MIL? Sure. But more often, a new mom is way more comfortable with her actual mother than with a woman she may well have met in her late 20s or so and perhaps has only spent time with for a few weeks or months, added all up. So no, it’s not all “equal.” Many of us don’t feel equally comfortable breastfeeding or being physically vulnerable around our ILs, thank you very much.

Should everyone feel welcomed and loved and part of the family? Yes. But let’s not act like a vulnerable mom is going to feel just as comfortable around her MIL as with the woman who literally brought her into the world. Please. Stop with fantasyland.

I have 4 kids, and I quickly realized that my husband needed support too. Perhaps because I welcomed my MIL into our home and gave her an opportunity to help we built a bond. In some ways, my MIL was more helpful than my own mom.

And the who vulnerable victim thing is weird. Yes, having a baby is hard. But you quickly get past the patient period. I’ve had both vaginal deliveries and c-sections btw. I also had a traumatic delivery with serious complications for myself and the baby. Nonetheless, I didn’t ice out the in-laws.

All I’m really saying is the op is going down a path that will inevitably create drama instead of fostering a loving family bond.

In what healthy, emotionally mature family is setting boundaries - apparently decided upon mutually between the parents - creating drama? Wouldn’t the grandparents be the ones responsible for responding maturely to the boundary, rather than the parents changing their tune to accommodate the grandparents?

Who is supposed to take precedence after a baby is born? According to many on this thread, evidently the grandparents.

Boundaries are fine, but op is seemingly drawing lines against the in-laws specifically (per the thread title).

And as every btdt parent knows, first timers have no clue just how exhausted they will feel once the baby arrives. Help is a good thing.

Plus: op sounds supremely focused on herself. That approach will create issues with her husband.

In terms of who takes precedence moving forward? The baby.

Fun fact: the baby will always take precedence. Just like the line from Overboard: “Once you have a baby, you wont be the baby anymore.”

OP stated it was a joint decision made between she and her husband. And that she’s not a first time mom.

I do not believe that has been stated. Which post says OP is not a first-time mom? What page?

17:36 on page 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really just the beginning of a lifetime/era of this sort of conflict and potentially hurt feelings.

It would help to not start off so defensive.

There are boundaries and then there are boundaries. The grandparents are not doing anything wrong. Keep that in mind and have some empathy. You have all the control here, not them. That is how they see it. So keep that in mind.

Stop making the grandparents the center of attention. It isn’t about them. It’s about the health of the baby and sanity of the new parents. Keep in mind that you and other boomers aren’t entitled to every want , especially if it isn’t in the best interests of others.

Nobody is making the grandparents the center of attention. This post was specifically about grandparents, however.

I am not a grandparent or a boomer and heck my parents aren't even boomers. But I was once a paranoid new mom and I am sort of mortified by how I acted (which is like OP and some on here) and I am telling OP now that it is ok to relax and engender good feelings and trust all around by letting the grandparents see their new grandbaby even if just for a bit the first few days. It sounds like both families are local so I don't understand the issue. It is not like they are going to sleeping on the couch.

And one day you’re going to embarrassed about how you’re acting now…

Self awareness is not your strong suit.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what the in-laws are like or what compromises are possible but for any parent thinking about setting this kind of boundary I would at least consider how you’ll feel in 20-30 years. My kids are young now but I’d be heartbroken to be completely barred from the newborn stage for grandkids. I would understand hard limits on time, parameters, etc. If the grandparents are being barred because they can’t understand limits or restrictions, that’s on them.

[Anonymous]

So OP, who is watching your first kid? Is the idea that the husband stays with kid 1 and you go to school he hospital alone? I am very confused and I think you underestimate how much work two kids are and you will probably want help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP, who is watching your first kid? Is the idea that the husband stays with kid 1 and you go to school he hospital alone? I am very confused and I think you underestimate how much work two kids are and you will probably want help.

NP. For us, it was my local aunt and my local cousin who helped with that. I also can name at least five close friends I would have trusted to do that and who would have done so in a heartbeat. You people who act like grandparents are the only option for help are laughable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really just the beginning of a lifetime/era of this sort of conflict and potentially hurt feelings.

It would help to not start off so defensive.

There are boundaries and then there are boundaries. The grandparents are not doing anything wrong. Keep that in mind and have some empathy. You have all the control here, not them. That is how they see it. So keep that in mind.

Stop making the grandparents the center of attention. It isn’t about them. It’s about the health of the baby and sanity of the new parents. Keep in mind that you and other boomers aren’t entitled to every want , especially if it isn’t in the best interests of others.

Nobody is making the grandparents the center of attention. This post was specifically about grandparents, however.

I am not a grandparent or a boomer and heck my parents aren't even boomers. But I was once a paranoid new mom and I am sort of mortified by how I acted (which is like OP and some on here) and I am telling OP now that it is ok to relax and engender good feelings and trust all around by letting the grandparents see their new grandbaby even if just for a bit the first few days. It sounds like both families are local so I don't understand the issue. It is not like they are going to sleeping on the couch.

And one day you’re going to embarrassed about how you’re acting now…

Self awareness is not your strong suit.

How am I acting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really just the beginning of a lifetime/era of this sort of conflict and potentially hurt feelings.

It would help to not start off so defensive.

There are boundaries and then there are boundaries. The grandparents are not doing anything wrong. Keep that in mind and have some empathy. You have all the control here, not them. That is how they see it. So keep that in mind.

Stop making the grandparents the center of attention. It isn’t about them. It’s about the health of the baby and sanity of the new parents. Keep in mind that you and other boomers aren’t entitled to every want , especially if it isn’t in the best interests of others.

Nobody is making the grandparents the center of attention. This post was specifically about grandparents, however.

I am not a grandparent or a boomer and heck my parents aren't even boomers. But I was once a paranoid new mom and I am sort of mortified by how I acted (which is like OP and some on here) and I am telling OP now that it is ok to relax and engender good feelings and trust all around by letting the grandparents see their new grandbaby even if just for a bit the first few days. It sounds like both families are local so I don't understand the issue. It is not like they are going to sleeping on the couch.

And one day you’re going to embarrassed about how you’re acting now…

Self awareness is not your strong suit.

How am I acting?

Like you’re going to be mortified in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really just the beginning of a lifetime/era of this sort of conflict and potentially hurt feelings.

It would help to not start off so defensive.

There are boundaries and then there are boundaries. The grandparents are not doing anything wrong. Keep that in mind and have some empathy. You have all the control here, not them. That is how they see it. So keep that in mind.

Stop making the grandparents the center of attention. It isn’t about them. It’s about the health of the baby and sanity of the new parents. Keep in mind that you and other boomers aren’t entitled to every want , especially if it isn’t in the best interests of others.

Nobody is making the grandparents the center of attention. This post was specifically about grandparents, however.

I am not a grandparent or a boomer and heck my parents aren't even boomers. But I was once a paranoid new mom and I am sort of mortified by how I acted (which is like OP and some on here) and I am telling OP now that it is ok to relax and engender good feelings and trust all around by letting the grandparents see their new grandbaby even if just for a bit the first few days. It sounds like both families are local so I don't understand the issue. It is not like they are going to sleeping on the couch.

And one day you’re going to embarrassed about how you’re acting now…

Self awareness is not your strong suit.

NP and I am embarrassed too by my behavior around my first child’s birth. I definitely didn’t keep grandparents away for 2 months, but I was paranoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, who is watching your first kid? Is the idea that the husband stays with kid 1 and you go to school he hospital alone? I am very confused and I think you underestimate how much work two kids are and you will probably want help.

NP. For us, it was my local aunt and my local cousin who helped with that. I also can name at least five close friends I would have trusted to do that and who would have done so in a heartbeat. You people who act like grandparents are the only option for help are laughable.

Sure, but OPs (original) reasoning behind excluding her inlaws was “viruses.” Presumably these people also have germs and carry viruses.

Op can set whatever boundaries she wants but she needs to own her choices and decisions;

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what might not occur to you first timers:

1. It might be nice for the grandparents (all grandparents—not just the mother’s parents) to pop by the hospital for a quick visit the next day. Nice photo op, and bonus points if they bring the new parents something to eat. (That’s what my parents and in-laws did; we staggered the visits.)

2. Your husband might quickly feel overwhelmed once you get home. He might actually need the help of his parents. Extra hands are usually helpful…particularly if they stay elsewhere but show up with good food and treats for the new parents.

3. You will be running on adrenaline the first week or so…and the baby will sleep a lot. Then you’ll feel exhausted once reality kicks in. You’ll want someone to cuddle the baby while you shower or nap. And so will your husband.

4. Don’t underestimate how exhausted and stressed your husband will be. Let him decide what kind of support he needs.

5. Don’t draw a distinction between your parents and his parents. Everyone should be treated with love.

First let me say that both sets of parents came to the hospital for both births, and both got dedicated time visiting after the birth for both of my babies. So no, you won’t get to accuse me of not “treating everyone with love.”

That said, your #5 is completely ridiculous. You might have a leg to stand on if both parents went through equal hell to bring a baby into this world, but nope. A NEW MOTHER IS A PATIENT. She has gone through a physical ordeal any way the birth went, and she may need rest, privacy, peace, and being cared for by whomever makes her feel the most comfortable and the most confident. Could this be a MIL? Sure. But more often, a new mom is way more comfortable with her actual mother than with a woman she may well have met in her late 20s or so and perhaps has only spent time with for a few weeks or months, added all up. So no, it’s not all “equal.” Many of us don’t feel equally comfortable breastfeeding or being physically vulnerable around our ILs, thank you very much.

Should everyone feel welcomed and loved and part of the family? Yes. But let’s not act like a vulnerable mom is going to feel just as comfortable around her MIL as with the woman who literally brought her into the world. Please. Stop with fantasyland.

I have 4 kids, and I quickly realized that my husband needed support too. Perhaps because I welcomed my MIL into our home and gave her an opportunity to help we built a bond. In some ways, my MIL was more helpful than my own mom.

And the who vulnerable victim thing is weird. Yes, having a baby is hard. But you quickly get past the patient period. I’ve had both vaginal deliveries and c-sections btw. I also had a traumatic delivery with serious complications for myself and the baby. Nonetheless, I didn’t ice out the in-laws.

All I’m really saying is the op is going down a path that will inevitably create drama instead of fostering a loving family bond.

In what healthy, emotionally mature family is setting boundaries - apparently decided upon mutually between the parents - creating drama? Wouldn’t the grandparents be the ones responsible for responding maturely to the boundary, rather than the parents changing their tune to accommodate the grandparents?

Who is supposed to take precedence after a baby is born? According to many on this thread, evidently the grandparents.

Building walls, and calling it "healthy setting of boundaries."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For everyone with super helpful ILs, that's great. But it's unfair to paint new moms as being difficult/paranoid/etc when their ILs might be totally different.
My ILs DID expect to be hosted when they visited after my first was born. They were not there to help, they were there for photo opportunities and socializing. Meanwhile I was having an awful recovery and they were asking ME to do their laundry (when my DH wasn't around of course). Yes I spoke up for myself but is that what a new mom should be expected to be stressing out about in the postpartum time?

So, no, for my second they will not be at my house the day we get back from the hospital, or any time that week. I need to adjust and if they were concerned about being included they would have acted appropriately the first time, and in the years since.
I suspect others who aren't thrilled with the idea of immediate visits from ILs also typically have valid reasons based on prior behavior. Any friends of mine with sweet ILs are always super excited for the help.

\
That is reasonable but, would you make in-laws wait 2 months before they were able to meet their grandbaby?

[Anonymous]

My ILs have to stay away for at least 2m because they are unvaxxed and hang out with other unvaxxed and are prone to screaming fits. We do not have a good relationship.

They also bring illness around everytime we interact with them and they lie about if they are ill. Like, showing up after my surgery (not to help, btw) with 102F fevers and I promptly caught whatever they brought. Last time it was pnuemonia and bronchitis. I am not interested in a sick newborn and the associated risks and expenses or stess.

Use Facetime, wait til baby gets the shots. I don't see what the big deal is with waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Umm no mom who just had her vagina stitched up feels like entertaining guests. Get over yourselves and try to be useful.

Yeah, I love how the PP think the most important person is not 1) the baby, who can get sick, or 2) the mom, who just went through a major medical event but rather 3) the grandparent. That tells us everything we need to know.

I’m the PP. I can’t imagine trying to make anyone more important than another. I was so happy and proud and very much wanted to share that with my parents and ILs. I guess you guys just don’t like your ILs? And there’s no “entertaining”, they’re not “guests.” They doted on us and supported DH. I really feel bad for those of you who would keep grandparents away for even a day. It’s not what healthy families do

My in-laws brought home cooked meals, did laundry, and watched the baby while DH and I napped together.

They didn’t stay with us, but they stayed for two weeks locally and returned the next month for another two weeks.

Fun fact: you’ll need the grandparents when you have your second or third baby. Who else will watch your kids when you are in the hospital? Don’t burn bridges, op.

Not everyone has in-laws or parental who are helpful! And not everyone has a partner who can hold a boundary with their parents.

With my first, my in-laws came at 6 days. They were supposed to come a week later, but booked flights when I was in the hospital and not aware of the travel arrangements.

I had insisted that they stay at a hotel since we were in a small apartment, but they still spent 10+ hours a day for5 days sitting on my couch, expecting to be waited on and entertained. My husband was more concerned with taking care of them than me.

While I was really struggling to establish breastfeeding, I couldn’t use the one comfortable place in our apartment to nurse (the couch). I ended up getting stuck in a back bedroom struggling to pump every two hours while they wanted to hold the baby, and then clambered to bottle feed her every time I managed to pump something.

I finally had to plan some sightseeing for my husband to take them on just to get a little privacy to bond with and feed my own newborn.

My relationship with my in-laws has not fully recovered and I did not let them visit for two months after our second child was born. It was so much easier to only care for one toddler than multiple adults. I think it all would have been very different if I had known to not allow any out of town guests for the first month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what might not occur to you first timers:

1. It might be nice for the grandparents (all grandparents—not just the mother’s parents) to pop by the hospital for a quick visit the next day. Nice photo op, and bonus points if they bring the new parents something to eat. (That’s what my parents and in-laws did; we staggered the visits.)

2. Your husband might quickly feel overwhelmed once you get home. He might actually need the help of his parents. Extra hands are usually helpful…particularly if they stay elsewhere but show up with good food and treats for the new parents.

3. You will be running on adrenaline the first week or so…and the baby will sleep a lot. Then you’ll feel exhausted once reality kicks in. You’ll want someone to cuddle the baby while you shower or nap. And so will your husband.

4. Don’t underestimate how exhausted and stressed your husband will be. Let him decide what kind of support he needs.

5. Don’t draw a distinction between your parents and his parents. Everyone should be treated with love.

Good grief! This is the worst advice ever. Just let the grandparents pop by the hospital for a photo op??? I can’t imagine anything more horrible. Oh and then afterwards the mom who just gave birth should be mindful that her husband is not too stressed and probably really wants his mom. My husband would have gouged his eyes out if he had to deal with his mom on top of little sleep. The boomers are certainly out tonight!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

You are impressively wrong.