In-laws being pushy about visiting.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, DH tells them them The Plan. But Also, realize that not all plans end up happening the way you want them to. No matter how hard you want something. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. For my daughter, I knew delivering could likely be the most serious medical event she had experienced. I sure was going to be near-enough, so that if she wanted my comfort, I would be there. If she didn't that was ok too. I can wait.

Realize how wonderful it it that your family and little one is loved, loved before they even arrive. Don't be so nasty that you don't understand, that their love, is coming from a good place.

Just stop it. You keep posting and throwing little digs at the OP. There is nothing nasty about her post. She and her husband politely told her in laws their plan and the in laws are the ones being nasty trying to ignore and disrespect their adult children’s wishes. They are not coming from a place of love, they are coming from a place of putting their wants over someone else’s need. This isn’t love, it’s selfishness.

Sincere question here on the bolded....is there anything that a person (IL or otherwise) can do that asks questions or offers a compromise that would not be viewed as "disrespecting" wishes and being nasty?

To be clear, I agree that OP was not nasty in her post. But I really don't understand the POV that anything other than pure acquiesce/acceptance is necessarily disrespect or violating boundaries. Do you guys never push back or question a choice made by other people in your life?

When someone clearly states that I’m not invited somewhere then yes I accept it. Pushing back or seeking a compromise is EXACTLY what being pushy and selfish means. They’ve told you no, you aren’t owed a compromise of less time than you demanded but more than they offered. Let them be.

So how about this (and yes I know I am inventing facts that OP never said. I am trying to figure out where the line on "pushy and selfish" is for some of you.)

OP/DH: We are not having anyone over to see the baby for the first two months. We want to get through the adjustment and limit potential exposure to viruses.

Grandparent: I see. How about we come by after you're home for a few days to drop off a lasagna. We'll wear masks and have a quick ten minute meeting with the baby and then take DC1 off your hands for a few hours and take him/her out to lunch and the park. We'll wear masks the whole time. Would that work for you?

Pushy, selfish, boundary violation?

NP. Nope, try reframing a bit and not saying “how about we come by” when you’ve just been told not to.

“Thank you for letting us know. If you get to a place where a meal would be welcome, we’d be happy to drop off a lasagna or something, and we’d be happy to wear masks and stay outside. Or if it would be helpful for us to pick up Larlo and take him to the park, just let us know.”

dp What you proposing is too much. I'm sure you watch everything you say just to make sure you don't offend anyone. Honestly, you sound exhausting and if I had to walk on eggshells and know that what ever I say is going to be taken so negatively than I would give up and quietly ghost you.

You do realize that a previous poster asked a “sincere question,” and then proceeded to push back on a different poster’s answer to that question? I, too, am answering a “sincere question.” You don’t have to like my answer, but if you don’t want to read responses to “sincere questions,” maybe…don’t read them.

And yes, I am very careful with my words and am very careful respecting other people’s boundaries, even when I do not understand or agree with them. I find people who test, push and try to talk other people out of their boundaries are the exhausting ones.

FWIW I am the poster who asked the sincere question, and not the poster you are responding to.

I don't view my original response as "pushing back", but rather seeking to understand better where some see "the line." I do see the line in a different place, and don't think an initial suggestion of an alternative to the initial "boundary" that still attempts to meet the underlying concerns as a problem.
But I also didn't, and wouldn't, accuse a postr of being exhausting or respond the way the PP did.

You are displaying textbook pushy behavior. You can’t take no for an answer. Your ‘seeking an alternative’’ is disrespecting and ignoring what you have clearly been told. You didn’t like what you heard so you are going all in to try to change it to get what you want. You never have to walk on eggshells if you actually accept no when it is first delivered.

No one and I really mean no one enjoys a relative like you. I’ll tell you how it goes. They may at first given in to appease you and you’ll think yay I won, I get what want. You’ll keep doing it and they will move from tolerating it to actively avoiding you and minimizing contact. They will view you as an exhausting obligation. If you keep at it, they may even cut contact.

If you want a positive relationship with your adult children and grandchildren, you must respect no as a complete sentence. Do not try to counter whatever reason they give you. Do not pretend not to hear when you are not invited to something. Do not put your wants over their needs. You also need to learn to maturely deal with disappointment. It’s OK to feel disappointed if you aren’t in the center or involved in the birth of your grandchild. It’s hard to accept that part of raising kids is letting them go to form their own lives and families. If you react by trying to manipulate, guilt and weasel your way in then you only push people farther away. If you express your disappointment as petty anger threatening to get back at them or it goes both ways, they will be more than happy when you decline an invite from them. It totally backfires because when an obnoxious pushy person declines something the feeling on the other end is relief not disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, DH tells them them The Plan. But Also, realize that not all plans end up happening the way you want them to. No matter how hard you want something. Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. For my daughter, I knew delivering could likely be the most serious medical event she had experienced. I sure was going to be near-enough, so that if she wanted my comfort, I would be there. If she didn't that was ok too. I can wait.

Realize how wonderful it it that your family and little one is loved, loved before they even arrive. Don't be so nasty that you don't understand, that their love, is coming from a good place.

Just stop it. You keep posting and throwing little digs at the OP. There is nothing nasty about her post. She and her husband politely told her in laws their plan and the in laws are the ones being nasty trying to ignore and disrespect their adult children’s wishes. They are not coming from a place of love, they are coming from a place of putting their wants over someone else’s need. This isn’t love, it’s selfishness.

Sincere question here on the bolded....is there anything that a person (IL or otherwise) can do that asks questions or offers a compromise that would not be viewed as "disrespecting" wishes and being nasty?

To be clear, I agree that OP was not nasty in her post. But I really don't understand the POV that anything other than pure acquiesce/acceptance is necessarily disrespect or violating boundaries. Do you guys never push back or question a choice made by other people in your life?

When someone clearly states that I’m not invited somewhere then yes I accept it. Pushing back or seeking a compromise is EXACTLY what being pushy and selfish means. They’ve told you no, you aren’t owed a compromise of less time than you demanded but more than they offered. Let them be.

So how about this (and yes I know I am inventing facts that OP never said. I am trying to figure out where the line on "pushy and selfish" is for some of you.)

OP/DH: We are not having anyone over to see the baby for the first two months. We want to get through the adjustment and limit potential exposure to viruses.

Grandparent: I see. How about we come by after you're home for a few days to drop off a lasagna. We'll wear masks and have a quick ten minute meeting with the baby and then take DC1 off your hands for a few hours and take him/her out to lunch and the park. We'll wear masks the whole time. Would that work for you?

Pushy, selfish, boundary violation?

NP. Nope, try reframing a bit and not saying “how about we come by” when you’ve just been told not to.

“Thank you for letting us know. If you get to a place where a meal would be welcome, we’d be happy to drop off a lasagna or something, and we’d be happy to wear masks and stay outside. Or if it would be helpful for us to pick up Larlo and take him to the park, just let us know.”

dp What you proposing is too much. I'm sure you watch everything you say just to make sure you don't offend anyone. Honestly, you sound exhausting and if I had to walk on eggshells and know that what ever I say is going to be taken so negatively than I would give up and quietly ghost you.

You do realize that a previous poster asked a “sincere question,” and then proceeded to push back on a different poster’s answer to that question? I, too, am answering a “sincere question.” You don’t have to like my answer, but if you don’t want to read responses to “sincere questions,” maybe…don’t read them.

And yes, I am very careful with my words and am very careful respecting other people’s boundaries, even when I do not understand or agree with them. I find people who test, push and try to talk other people out of their boundaries are the exhausting ones.

FWIW I am the poster who asked the sincere question, and not the poster you are responding to.

I don't view my original response as "pushing back", but rather seeking to understand better where some see "the line." I do see the line in a different place, and don't think an initial suggestion of an alternative to the initial "boundary" that still attempts to meet the underlying concerns as a problem.
But I also didn't, and wouldn't, accuse a postr of being exhausting or respond the way the PP did.

You are displaying textbook pushy behavior. You can’t take no for an answer. Your ‘seeking an alternative’’ is disrespecting and ignoring what you have clearly been told. You didn’t like what you heard so you are going all in to try to change it to get what you want. You never have to walk on eggshells if you actually accept no when it is first delivered.

No one and I really mean no one enjoys a relative like you. I’ll tell you how it goes. They may at first given in to appease you and you’ll think yay I won, I get what want. You’ll keep doing it and they will move from tolerating it to actively avoiding you and minimizing contact. They will view you as an exhausting obligation. If you keep at it, they may even cut contact.

If you want a positive relationship with your adult children and grandchildren, you must respect no as a complete sentence. Do not try to counter whatever reason they give you. Do not pretend not to hear when you are not invited to something. Do not put your wants over their needs. You also need to learn to maturely deal with disappointment. It’s OK to feel disappointed if you aren’t in the center or involved in the birth of your grandchild. It’s hard to accept that part of raising kids is letting them go to form their own lives and families. If you react by trying to manipulate, guilt and weasel your way in then you only push people farther away. If you express your disappointment as petty anger threatening to get back at them or it goes both ways, they will be more than happy when you decline an invite from them. It totally backfires because when an obnoxious pushy person declines something the feeling on the other end is relief not disappointment.

PP here. RE the bolded, you are simply wrong.

As to the rest, we disagree. And that is OK.

[Anonymous]

So much black-and-white thinking here. Can't we all just get along?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I decided that we want to wait 1-2 months after baby is born (next month) for visitors. His parents are being very pushy about wanting to see the baby very quickly after birth. How do we hold the boundary without creating a rift? In his family it’s very common for everyone to be in the hospital etc. I’m just annoyed at our wishes not being respected.

Are your parents also going to have the same wait time? You treat both sets of parents the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I decided that we want to wait 1-2 months after baby is born (next month) for visitors. His parents are being very pushy about wanting to see the baby very quickly after birth. How do we hold the boundary without creating a rift? In his family it’s very common for everyone to be in the hospital etc. I’m just annoyed at our wishes not being respected.

He must simply tell his family to back off. They’ll be invited when YOU are ready for visitors. If he refuses to do this, he’s already failed as a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I decided that we want to wait 1-2 months after baby is born (next month) for visitors. His parents are being very pushy about wanting to see the baby very quickly after birth. How do we hold the boundary without creating a rift? In his family it’s very common for everyone to be in the hospital etc. I’m just annoyed at our wishes not being respected.

Are your parents also going to have the same wait time? You treat both sets of parents the same.

No you don’t. You go by who is helpful. Everyone else will have their time eventually. The baby is not a trophy.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Omg this is always such a polarizing topic and people are so rude about it.

OP, so what makes YOU happy. Agree that you will have to accept and let go that in laws may be upset.

We didn’t have in laws there until two months and they were annoying about it but life goes on. Let go of caring what anyone but your immediate family thinks and feels when you’re making decisions about your postpartum happiness/sanity. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg this is always such a polarizing topic and people are so rude about it.

OP, so what makes YOU happy. Agree that you will have to accept and let go that in laws may be upset.

We didn’t have in laws there until two months and they were annoying about it but life goes on. Let go of caring what anyone but your immediate family thinks and feels when you’re making decisions about your postpartum happiness/sanity. Good luck!

Totally agree. You are in charge of yourself and your child. Do not allow control freaks to interfere.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t let my parents visit my first child until 6 weeks bc the baby was a premie and spent two weeks in the hospital. When my parents come to visit, they stay with us and are reliant on us for meals and transportation. They are a lot of work. I couldn’t fathom hosting them so soon after giving birth. I had so many challenges with taking care of a premie in the beginning, especially nursing. The presence of my mom so soon after birth would have completely stressed me out. I know it hurt her feelings but I could only focus on me and my child at that time. I was a scared first time mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I decided that we want to wait 1-2 months after baby is born (next month) for visitors. His parents are being very pushy about wanting to see the baby very quickly after birth. How do we hold the boundary without creating a rift? In his family it’s very common for everyone to be in the hospital etc. I’m just annoyed at our wishes not being respected.

Are your parents also going to have the same wait time? You treat both sets of parents the same.

NP but this is absurd. My MIL/FIL expect to be waited on and steamroll over every boundary that's ever been set. They stress out my DH and ask invasive questions. Neither of us wanted them around for the first month, but DH wanted my mom around because she has built a close relationship with him and has an established record as someone who can be trusted to be respectful of boundaries (and useful! and fun!).

For all the boomers moaning about how the OP will reap what they sow in terms of help down the road, I say the same goes for grandparents: you will reap whatever you sow in the relationship leading up to the baby's birth. If you have a relationship where they trust that you will be supportive, non-judgemental, and respectful of boundaries, MOST will welcome you in to meet the baby early and often. If you're a PITA and have a track record of ignoring boundaries for your own selfish need, you will have to wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg this is always such a polarizing topic and people are so rude about it.

OP, so what makes YOU happy. Agree that you will have to accept and let go that in laws may be upset.

We didn’t have in laws there until two months and they were annoying about it but life goes on. Let go of caring what anyone but your immediate family thinks and feels when you’re making decisions about your postpartum happiness/sanity. Good luck!

Totally agree. You are in charge of yourself and your child. Do not allow control freaks to interfere.

+1

[Anonymous]

Do what works for you and DH, OP. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to wait for visitors.

Are in laws truly being pushy or are they just stating their wishes and feeling sad that they won’t get to meet their grandchild for awhile? I’m a parent of young kids right now but if I were a grandparent, I can imagine how sad I would be to not get to meet the baby for 1-2 months. I would respect what my son/DIL wanted but I would be so sad to miss out on that time. Of course I also would never expect to stay with my son/DIL/grandchild as I wouldn’t want to impose on them in any way. But I’d really want to meet my grandchild soon after they’re born! Of course you don’t owe grandparents anything but it would be so hard as a grandparent to wait that long.

I don’t know your dynamics or relationships with your in laws. But for me, as long as my parents and in laws were staying elsewhere (not in our house) and were vaccinated for pertussis, flu, Covid, etc and were diligent about washing hands/masking/not coming if at all sick etc I’d let them come. You never get that precious newborn time back again. Babies change and grow so quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really want your kids to later say -grandma where were you when I was born? Granny says well honey I wasn’t there because I wasn’t welcome. Your mommy and daddy kept you away from me for months after you were born so I never knew you as a tiny baby.

Ok, this is ridiculous. No kid has ever asked this. Also, imagine saying you "never knew" someone because you didn't meet them until they were a month old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

Agree OP. After we discussed having a little space my DH immediately caved and invited his parents to arrive the day after we got home. They wanted to "tour" our house and got miffed when I said they weren't welcome in our bedroom and bathroom. I had bras, maxipads, breast pads, nipple cream, sitz bath sitting out and I felt like having a little privacy should have been a no brainer. Of course, when my parents heard my ILs were here, they immediately invited themselves. Cue 4 days of grandparents sitting around expecting to be waited on, telling me I should rest and not clean up after them but, of course, not getting up to do it themselves. They would hold a sleeping baby for an hour and then expect me to rave about how "refreshed" I felt because they had just done me that huge favor. My FIL kept trying to serve me drinks (I was exhausted and breastfeeding) and then when I refused he kept saying how I had "no sense of occasion." No one would get up early or stay up late when the baby cried and the one time I asked my parents to drive and get diapers they complained for two hours after they returned because it was such a far drive (it was 15 minutes round trip).

I was overwhelmed and majorly pissed. But, DH finally understood and we set real limits from there on out. No one was invited back for Christmas (3 months later) and when our next child was born DH told his mom she could come for a weekend a few weeks after the baby was born. I told my mom she could come for a week after the birth if she was planning to help, otherwise she could come for a weekend as well. She came for a week and wasn't terribly helpful but at least understood I wasn't making her meals, etc.

If you think your family will suck like ours, then I support you and think it's totally reasonable. But I have friends whose moms/parents came and basically acted like post partum doulas. Cooking, cleaning, helping to get the baby on a routine, taking the baby for hours so the mom could get some sleep, stuff like that. I would have literally wept with gratitude if any of the grandparents had done those things for us, and they would have been welcome in our home immediately after birth. A baby can be very overwhelming, and if family is actually going to help you, you should accept it. But if they want to have a vacation at your house, then no.

This is the nightmare scenario. Entitled grandparents who are there to celebrate having a grandkid, with no thought for the mom of said grandkid and the realities of what she is dealing with with a brand new baby. For them this is a fun milestone to enjoy, for the new parents (mom in particular) it is a stressful, overwhelming and sometimes traumatic experience. Not made any better by having FIL nursing a cocktail in an armchair and asking when dinner is.