In-laws being pushy about visiting.

[Anonymous]

OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

[Anonymous]

If this is your first, maybe you aren’t aware of how quickly babies grow in those first weeks. You are essentially asking the grandparents to miss out on the entire newborn stage. If you have a good relationship with them, I can’t imagine asking them to wait that long.

I was upset that my mom didn’t meet my firstborn until week 3 - the baby had changed so much by then! My in-laws arrived the day we returned from the hospital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will they be helpful? You and DH will need support the first six weeks - who will be providing that? Isolating from everyone for two months is a risk factor for PPD. You need a community, so if they will be helpful and kind, grandparents are a great place to start.

If your parents are coming and not DH’s, and they are both vaccinated and helpful people, that’s a problem, but I don’t want to project.

The spouse supports the new mother and newborn.

White people!!! This is what family is for, my mom stayed with us for two months both times, she was so amazingly helpful. She took care of me, helped with the baby, fed us, let us get rest. It was truly wonderful.

But can’t you understand that not every mother is helpful? My mother never cooked or cleaned anything when she visited me once I moved out. She wanted to be waited on hand and foot. She wanted to watch me and make comments or ask questions, or ignored and okayed on the iPad she brought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will they be helpful? You and DH will need support the first six weeks - who will be providing that? Isolating from everyone for two months is a risk factor for PPD. You need a community, so if they will be helpful and kind, grandparents are a great place to start.

If your parents are coming and not DH’s, and they are both vaccinated and helpful people, that’s a problem, but I don’t want to project.

The spouse supports the new mother and newborn.

White people!!! This is what family is for, my mom stayed with us for two months both times, she was so amazingly helpful. She took care of me, helped with the baby, fed us, let us get rest. It was truly wonderful.

I’m not white.

Not all parents or families are the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It’s totally fine. They had their time with THEIR newborn. This is your newborn. Do what works best for you.

[Anonymous]

I’m assuming this is your first. Seems like a classic first time parent control set up.

OP - they’ve had children, your MIL has presumably given birth….it’s not that big of a deal. I think if you do this you will really sour your relationship with your family. My MIL was in the hospital with me for my first (my DH gets queezy and my parents live far away) and they were waiting at home for our 2nd and 3rd. Grandparents are a gift….treat them with kindness and they will be grateful. But isolate and you will burn bridges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

But why won't you let them visit, stay in a hotel, and come by one day to see a newborn? Are you also going to deny this visit to your bestie, neighbors, anyone else you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

Then why are you here? You asked how to set this boundary WITHOUT CAUSING A RIFT. Sorry, but you can’t. The responses here are telling you that.

Go ahead and keep them away for 4-8 weeks. I don’t care and neither does anyone here. BUT don’t come and post that your ILs are upset, miffed, or bothered by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

But why won't you let them visit, stay in a hotel, and come by one day to see a newborn? Are you also going to deny this visit to your bestie, neighbors, anyone else you know?

Some in-laws would be HIGHLY offended at bring asked to stay at a hotel, and would try to insist on staying more than one day. Especially if they live far, they won’t want to spend a day traveling just to visit for one afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

Then why are you here? You asked how to set this boundary WITHOUT CAUSING A RIFT. Sorry, but you can’t. The responses here are telling you that.

Go ahead and keep them away for 4-8 weeks. I don’t care and neither does anyone here. BUT don’t come and post that your ILs are upset, miffed, or bothered by this.

Stop being nasty to OP. My mom didn’t meet my first born for 2 months because she wouldn’t get vaccinated and was fine with our boundaries. Once it was warm enough for an outside visit, they met and everything was fine. OP - it’s your kid, do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

Agree OP. After we discussed having a little space my DH immediately caved and invited his parents to arrive the day after we got home. They wanted to "tour" our house and got miffed when I said they weren't welcome in our bedroom and bathroom. I had bras, maxipads, breast pads, nipple cream, sitz bath sitting out and I felt like having a little privacy should have been a no brainer. Of course, when my parents heard my ILs were here, they immediately invited themselves. Cue 4 days of grandparents sitting around expecting to be waited on, telling me I should rest and not clean up after them but, of course, not getting up to do it themselves. They would hold a sleeping baby for an hour and then expect me to rave about how "refreshed" I felt because they had just done me that huge favor. My FIL kept trying to serve me drinks (I was exhausted and breastfeeding) and then when I refused he kept saying how I had "no sense of occasion." No one would get up early or stay up late when the baby cried and the one time I asked my parents to drive and get diapers they complained for two hours after they returned because it was such a far drive (it was 15 minutes round trip).

I was overwhelmed and majorly pissed. But, DH finally understood and we set real limits from there on out. No one was invited back for Christmas (3 months later) and when our next child was born DH told his mom she could come for a weekend a few weeks after the baby was born. I told my mom she could come for a week after the birth if she was planning to help, otherwise she could come for a weekend as well. She came for a week and wasn't terribly helpful but at least understood I wasn't making her meals, etc.

If you think your family will suck like ours, then I support you and think it's totally reasonable. But I have friends whose moms/parents came and basically acted like post partum doulas. Cooking, cleaning, helping to get the baby on a routine, taking the baby for hours so the mom could get some sleep, stuff like that. I would have literally wept with gratitude if any of the grandparents had done those things for us, and they would have been welcome in our home immediately after birth. A baby can be very overwhelming, and if family is actually going to help you, you should accept it. But if they want to have a vacation at your house, then no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It is controlling for no reason. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just let the grandparents see experience one of life's rare and precious events by seeing their newborn grandchild soon after it is born. They are not going to take the baby away from you. Being difficult now will not set up well for things between you guys later.

The grandparents are not "being pushy". They are just excited. Would you rather have the opposite?

I say all of this after having BTDT. I was a petty controlling b**** of a DIL for a while.

[Anonymous]

OP, of course you and your DH get to make this decision and stand behind it.

But you aren't entitled to blindly accepting that decision without comment or without being upset. As you've seen from the replies, the length of time you expect to go without ANYONE other than you and DH interacting with your baby is, to many/most people, excessive. And for an excited new grandparent it can be hurtful to deny them the opportunity to see that newborn. (Yes, your desires trump theirs, but theirs do matter just a little.)

That being said, you are 8mo pregnant and I'm sure the anxiety is high and the hormones are crazy. Everybody should be gentle with you and your DH. This isn't a debate for today. If I were your ILs, I would let it ride. There is a pretty decent chance that if they call you two weeks after birth and offer/request to stop by for a few hours- bringing you food or doing something else that helps, you will be totally fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

Then why are you here? You asked how to set this boundary WITHOUT CAUSING A RIFT. Sorry, but you can’t. The responses here are telling you that.

Go ahead and keep them away for 4-8 weeks. I don’t care and neither does anyone here. BUT don’t come and post that your ILs are upset, miffed, or bothered by this.

I guess this begs the question why grandparents would think their wants should come before the wants of new parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

Then why are you here? You asked how to set this boundary WITHOUT CAUSING A RIFT. Sorry, but you can’t. The responses here are telling you that.

Go ahead and keep them away for 4-8 weeks. I don’t care and neither does anyone here. BUT don’t come and post that your ILs are upset, miffed, or bothered by this.

Stop being nasty to OP. My mom didn’t meet my first born for 2 months because she wouldn’t get vaccinated and was fine with our boundaries. Once it was warm enough for an outside visit, they met and everything was fine. OP - it’s your kid, do what you want.

No one is being nasty to OP. Of course OP can and should do whatever she wants. But let’s be real: Coming here and expecting some magical way to keep grandparents away for two months without causing hurt feelings is totally delusional on OP’s part. Instead of trying to convince everyone that she’s right and justified, maybe she could consider some of the very real suggestions offered here like having the ILs stay in a hotel.