In-laws being pushy about visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what might not occur to you first timers:

1. It might be nice for the grandparents (all grandparents—not just the mother’s parents) to pop by the hospital for a quick visit the next day. Nice photo op, and bonus points if they bring the new parents something to eat. (That’s what my parents and in-laws did; we staggered the visits.)

2. Your husband might quickly feel overwhelmed once you get home. He might actually need the help of his parents. Extra hands are usually helpful…particularly if they stay elsewhere but show up with good food and treats for the new parents.

3. You will be running on adrenaline the first week or so…and the baby will sleep a lot. Then you’ll feel exhausted once reality kicks in. You’ll want someone to cuddle the baby while you shower or nap. And so will your husband.

4. Don’t underestimate how exhausted and stressed your husband will be. Let him decide what kind of support he needs.

5. Don’t draw a distinction between your parents and his parents. Everyone should be treated with love.

First let me say that both sets of parents came to the hospital for both births, and both got dedicated time visiting after the birth for both of my babies. So no, you won’t get to accuse me of not “treating everyone with love.”

That said, your #5 is completely ridiculous. You might have a leg to stand on if both parents went through equal hell to bring a baby into this world, but nope. A NEW MOTHER IS A PATIENT. She has gone through a physical ordeal any way the birth went, and she may need rest, privacy, peace, and being cared for by whomever makes her feel the most comfortable and the most confident. Could this be a MIL? Sure. But more often, a new mom is way more comfortable with her actual mother than with a woman she may well have met in her late 20s or so and perhaps has only spent time with for a few weeks or months, added all up. So no, it’s not all “equal.” Many of us don’t feel equally comfortable breastfeeding or being physically vulnerable around our ILs, thank you very much.

Should everyone feel welcomed and loved and part of the family? Yes. But let’s not act like a vulnerable mom is going to feel just as comfortable around her MIL as with the woman who literally brought her into the world. Please. Stop with fantasyland.

I have 4 kids, and I quickly realized that my husband needed support too. Perhaps because I welcomed my MIL into our home and gave her an opportunity to help we built a bond. In some ways, my MIL was more helpful than my own mom.

And the who vulnerable victim thing is weird. Yes, having a baby is hard. But you quickly get past the patient period. I’ve had both vaginal deliveries and c-sections btw. I also had a traumatic delivery with serious complications for myself and the baby. Nonetheless, I didn’t ice out the in-laws.

All I’m really saying is the op is going down a path that will inevitably create drama instead of fostering a loving family bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what might not occur to you first timers:

1. It might be nice for the grandparents (all grandparents—not just the mother’s parents) to pop by the hospital for a quick visit the next day. Nice photo op, and bonus points if they bring the new parents something to eat. (That’s what my parents and in-laws did; we staggered the visits.)

2. Your husband might quickly feel overwhelmed once you get home. He might actually need the help of his parents. Extra hands are usually helpful…particularly if they stay elsewhere but show up with good food and treats for the new parents.

3. You will be running on adrenaline the first week or so…and the baby will sleep a lot. Then you’ll feel exhausted once reality kicks in. You’ll want someone to cuddle the baby while you shower or nap. And so will your husband.

4. Don’t underestimate how exhausted and stressed your husband will be. Let him decide what kind of support he needs.

5. Don’t draw a distinction between your parents and his parents. Everyone should be treated with love.

First let me say that both sets of parents came to the hospital for both births, and both got dedicated time visiting after the birth for both of my babies. So no, you won’t get to accuse me of not “treating everyone with love.”

That said, your #5 is completely ridiculous. You might have a leg to stand on if both parents went through equal hell to bring a baby into this world, but nope. A NEW MOTHER IS A PATIENT. She has gone through a physical ordeal any way the birth went, and she may need rest, privacy, peace, and being cared for by whomever makes her feel the most comfortable and the most confident. Could this be a MIL? Sure. But more often, a new mom is way more comfortable with her actual mother than with a woman she may well have met in her late 20s or so and perhaps has only spent time with for a few weeks or months, added all up. So no, it’s not all “equal.” Many of us don’t feel equally comfortable breastfeeding or being physically vulnerable around our ILs, thank you very much.

Should everyone feel welcomed and loved and part of the family? Yes. But let’s not act like a vulnerable mom is going to feel just as comfortable around her MIL as with the woman who literally brought her into the world. Please. Stop with fantasyland.

I have 4 kids, and I quickly realized that my husband needed support too. Perhaps because I welcomed my MIL into our home and gave her an opportunity to help we built a bond. In some ways, my MIL was more helpful than my own mom.

And the who vulnerable victim thing is weird. Yes, having a baby is hard. But you quickly get past the patient period. I’ve had both vaginal deliveries and c-sections btw. I also had a traumatic delivery with serious complications for myself and the baby. Nonetheless, I didn’t ice out the in-laws.

All I’m really saying is the op is going down a path that will inevitably create drama instead of fostering a loving family bond.

In what healthy, emotionally mature family is setting boundaries - apparently decided upon mutually between the parents - creating drama? Wouldn’t the grandparents be the ones responsible for responding maturely to the boundary, rather than the parents changing their tune to accommodate the grandparents?

Who is supposed to take precedence after a baby is born? According to many on this thread, evidently the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what might not occur to you first timers:

1. It might be nice for the grandparents (all grandparents—not just the mother’s parents) to pop by the hospital for a quick visit the next day. Nice photo op, and bonus points if they bring the new parents something to eat. (That’s what my parents and in-laws did; we staggered the visits.)

2. Your husband might quickly feel overwhelmed once you get home. He might actually need the help of his parents. Extra hands are usually helpful…particularly if they stay elsewhere but show up with good food and treats for the new parents.

3. You will be running on adrenaline the first week or so…and the baby will sleep a lot. Then you’ll feel exhausted once reality kicks in. You’ll want someone to cuddle the baby while you shower or nap. And so will your husband.

4. Don’t underestimate how exhausted and stressed your husband will be. Let him decide what kind of support he needs.

5. Don’t draw a distinction between your parents and his parents. Everyone should be treated with love.

First let me say that both sets of parents came to the hospital for both births, and both got dedicated time visiting after the birth for both of my babies. So no, you won’t get to accuse me of not “treating everyone with love.”

That said, your #5 is completely ridiculous. You might have a leg to stand on if both parents went through equal hell to bring a baby into this world, but nope. A NEW MOTHER IS A PATIENT. She has gone through a physical ordeal any way the birth went, and she may need rest, privacy, peace, and being cared for by whomever makes her feel the most comfortable and the most confident. Could this be a MIL? Sure. But more often, a new mom is way more comfortable with her actual mother than with a woman she may well have met in her late 20s or so and perhaps has only spent time with for a few weeks or months, added all up. So no, it’s not all “equal.” Many of us don’t feel equally comfortable breastfeeding or being physically vulnerable around our ILs, thank you very much.

Should everyone feel welcomed and loved and part of the family? Yes. But let’s not act like a vulnerable mom is going to feel just as comfortable around her MIL as with the woman who literally brought her into the world. Please. Stop with fantasyland.

I have 4 kids, and I quickly realized that my husband needed support too. Perhaps because I welcomed my MIL into our home and gave her an opportunity to help we built a bond. In some ways, my MIL was more helpful than my own mom.

And the who vulnerable victim thing is weird. Yes, having a baby is hard. But you quickly get past the patient period. I’ve had both vaginal deliveries and c-sections btw. I also had a traumatic delivery with serious complications for myself and the baby. Nonetheless, I didn’t ice out the in-laws.

All I’m really saying is the op is going down a path that will inevitably create drama instead of fostering a loving family bond.

In what healthy, emotionally mature family is setting boundaries - apparently decided upon mutually between the parents - creating drama? Wouldn’t the grandparents be the ones responsible for responding maturely to the boundary, rather than the parents changing their tune to accommodate the grandparents?

Who is supposed to take precedence after a baby is born? According to many on this thread, evidently the grandparents.

Boundaries are fine, but op is seemingly drawing lines against the in-laws specifically (per the thread title).

And as every btdt parent knows, first timers have no clue just how exhausted they will feel once the baby arrives. Help is a good thing.

Plus: op sounds supremely focused on herself. That approach will create issues with her husband.

In terms of who takes precedence moving forward? The baby.

Fun fact: the baby will always take precedence. Just like the line from Overboard: “Once you have a baby, you wont be the baby anymore.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Umm no mom who just had her vagina stitched up feels like entertaining guests. Get over yourselves and try to be useful.

Yeah, I love how the PP think the most important person is not 1) the baby, who can get sick, or 2) the mom, who just went through a major medical event but rather 3) the grandparent. That tells us everything we need to know.

I’m the PP. I can’t imagine trying to make anyone more important than another. I was so happy and proud and very much wanted to share that with my parents and ILs. I guess you guys just don’t like your ILs? And there’s no “entertaining”, they’re not “guests.” They doted on us and supported DH. I really feel bad for those of you who would keep grandparents away for even a day. It’s not what healthy families do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Umm no mom who just had her vagina stitched up feels like entertaining guests. Get over yourselves and try to be useful.

Yeah, I love how the PP think the most important person is not 1) the baby, who can get sick, or 2) the mom, who just went through a major medical event but rather 3) the grandparent. That tells us everything we need to know.

I’m the PP. I can’t imagine trying to make anyone more important than another. I was so happy and proud and very much wanted to share that with my parents and ILs. I guess you guys just don’t like your ILs? And there’s no “entertaining”, they’re not “guests.” They doted on us and supported DH. I really feel bad for those of you who would keep grandparents away for even a day. It’s not what healthy families do

+1

My in-laws brought home cooked meals, did laundry, and watched the baby while DH and I napped together.

They didn’t stay with us, but they stayed for two weeks locally and returned the next month for another two weeks.

Fun fact: you’ll need the grandparents when you have your second or third baby. Who else will watch your kids when you are in the hospital? Don’t burn bridges, op.

[Anonymous]

For everyone with super helpful ILs, that's great. But it's unfair to paint new moms as being difficult/paranoid/etc when their ILs might be totally different.
My ILs DID expect to be hosted when they visited after my first was born. They were not there to help, they were there for photo opportunities and socializing. Meanwhile I was having an awful recovery and they were asking ME to do their laundry (when my DH wasn't around of course). Yes I spoke up for myself but is that what a new mom should be expected to be stressing out about in the postpartum time?

So, no, for my second they will not be at my house the day we get back from the hospital, or any time that week. I need to adjust and if they were concerned about being included they would have acted appropriately the first time, and in the years since.
I suspect others who aren't thrilled with the idea of immediate visits from ILs also typically have valid reasons based on prior behavior. Any friends of mine with sweet ILs are always super excited for the help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what might not occur to you first timers:

1. It might be nice for the grandparents (all grandparents—not just the mother’s parents) to pop by the hospital for a quick visit the next day. Nice photo op, and bonus points if they bring the new parents something to eat. (That’s what my parents and in-laws did; we staggered the visits.)

2. Your husband might quickly feel overwhelmed once you get home. He might actually need the help of his parents. Extra hands are usually helpful…particularly if they stay elsewhere but show up with good food and treats for the new parents.

3. You will be running on adrenaline the first week or so…and the baby will sleep a lot. Then you’ll feel exhausted once reality kicks in. You’ll want someone to cuddle the baby while you shower or nap. And so will your husband.

4. Don’t underestimate how exhausted and stressed your husband will be. Let him decide what kind of support he needs.

5. Don’t draw a distinction between your parents and his parents. Everyone should be treated with love.

First let me say that both sets of parents came to the hospital for both births, and both got dedicated time visiting after the birth for both of my babies. So no, you won’t get to accuse me of not “treating everyone with love.”

That said, your #5 is completely ridiculous. You might have a leg to stand on if both parents went through equal hell to bring a baby into this world, but nope. A NEW MOTHER IS A PATIENT. She has gone through a physical ordeal any way the birth went, and she may need rest, privacy, peace, and being cared for by whomever makes her feel the most comfortable and the most confident. Could this be a MIL? Sure. But more often, a new mom is way more comfortable with her actual mother than with a woman she may well have met in her late 20s or so and perhaps has only spent time with for a few weeks or months, added all up. So no, it’s not all “equal.” Many of us don’t feel equally comfortable breastfeeding or being physically vulnerable around our ILs, thank you very much.

Should everyone feel welcomed and loved and part of the family? Yes. But let’s not act like a vulnerable mom is going to feel just as comfortable around her MIL as with the woman who literally brought her into the world. Please. Stop with fantasyland.

I have 4 kids, and I quickly realized that my husband needed support too. Perhaps because I welcomed my MIL into our home and gave her an opportunity to help we built a bond. In some ways, my MIL was more helpful than my own mom.

And the who vulnerable victim thing is weird. Yes, having a baby is hard. But you quickly get past the patient period. I’ve had both vaginal deliveries and c-sections btw. I also had a traumatic delivery with serious complications for myself and the baby. Nonetheless, I didn’t ice out the in-laws.

All I’m really saying is the op is going down a path that will inevitably create drama instead of fostering a loving family bond.

In what healthy, emotionally mature family is setting boundaries - apparently decided upon mutually between the parents - creating drama? Wouldn’t the grandparents be the ones responsible for responding maturely to the boundary, rather than the parents changing their tune to accommodate the grandparents?

Who is supposed to take precedence after a baby is born? According to many on this thread, evidently the grandparents.

Boundaries are fine, but op is seemingly drawing lines against the in-laws specifically (per the thread title).

And as every btdt parent knows, first timers have no clue just how exhausted they will feel once the baby arrives. Help is a good thing.

Plus: op sounds supremely focused on herself. That approach will create issues with her husband.

In terms of who takes precedence moving forward? The baby.

Fun fact: the baby will always take precedence. Just like the line from Overboard: “Once you have a baby, you wont be the baby anymore.”

OP stated it was a joint decision made between she and her husband. And that she’s not a first time mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Umm no mom who just had her vagina stitched up feels like entertaining guests. Get over yourselves and try to be useful.

Yeah, I love how the PP think the most important person is not 1) the baby, who can get sick, or 2) the mom, who just went through a major medical event but rather 3) the grandparent. That tells us everything we need to know.

I’m the PP. I can’t imagine trying to make anyone more important than another. I was so happy and proud and very much wanted to share that with my parents and ILs. I guess you guys just don’t like your ILs? And there’s no “entertaining”, they’re not “guests.” They doted on us and supported DH. I really feel bad for those of you who would keep grandparents away for even a day. It’s not what healthy families do

+1

My in-laws brought home cooked meals, did laundry, and watched the baby while DH and I napped together.

They didn’t stay with us, but they stayed for two weeks locally and returned the next month for another two weeks.

Fun fact: you’ll need the grandparents when you have your second or third baby. Who else will watch your kids when you are in the hospital? Don’t burn bridges, op.

This isn’t OP’s first baby.

Also, not all ILs or parents are there to help. Some are there to be waited on. OP said she doesn’t want any visitors initially (not specifically excluding ILs).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For everyone with super helpful ILs, that's great. But it's unfair to paint new moms as being difficult/paranoid/etc when their ILs might be totally different.
My ILs DID expect to be hosted when they visited after my first was born. They were not there to help, they were there for photo opportunities and socializing. Meanwhile I was having an awful recovery and they were asking ME to do their laundry (when my DH wasn't around of course). Yes I spoke up for myself but is that what a new mom should be expected to be stressing out about in the postpartum time?

So, no, for my second they will not be at my house the day we get back from the hospital, or any time that week. I need to adjust and if they were concerned about being included they would have acted appropriately the first time, and in the years since.
I suspect others who aren't thrilled with the idea of immediate visits from ILs also typically have valid reasons based on prior behavior. Any friends of mine with sweet ILs are always super excited for the help.

The husband is tasked with setting boundaries and issuing marching orders along the lines of, “You are welcome to visit on Tuesday afternoon. It would be great if you could pick up lunch on your way over.”

This isn’t hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For everyone with super helpful ILs, that's great. But it's unfair to paint new moms as being difficult/paranoid/etc when their ILs might be totally different.
My ILs DID expect to be hosted when they visited after my first was born. They were not there to help, they were there for photo opportunities and socializing. Meanwhile I was having an awful recovery and they were asking ME to do their laundry (when my DH wasn't around of course). Yes I spoke up for myself but is that what a new mom should be expected to be stressing out about in the postpartum time?

So, no, for my second they will not be at my house the day we get back from the hospital, or any time that week. I need to adjust and if they were concerned about being included they would have acted appropriately the first time, and in the years since.
I suspect others who aren't thrilled with the idea of immediate visits from ILs also typically have valid reasons based on prior behavior. Any friends of mine with sweet ILs are always super excited for the help.

Exactly. The myopia of this thread (and board) is frustrating: people think that because THEY have helpful families, that everyone does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Umm no mom who just had her vagina stitched up feels like entertaining guests. Get over yourselves and try to be useful.

Yeah, I love how the PP think the most important person is not 1) the baby, who can get sick, or 2) the mom, who just went through a major medical event but rather 3) the grandparent. That tells us everything we need to know.

I’m the PP. I can’t imagine trying to make anyone more important than another. I was so happy and proud and very much wanted to share that with my parents and ILs. I guess you guys just don’t like your ILs? And there’s no “entertaining”, they’re not “guests.” They doted on us and supported DH. I really feel bad for those of you who would keep grandparents away for even a day. It’s not what healthy families do

+1

My in-laws brought home cooked meals, did laundry, and watched the baby while DH and I napped together.

They didn’t stay with us, but they stayed for two weeks locally and returned the next month for another two weeks.

Fun fact: you’ll need the grandparents when you have your second or third baby. Who else will watch your kids when you are in the hospital? Don’t burn bridges, op.

This isn’t OP’s first baby.

Also, not all ILs or parents are there to help. Some are there to be waited on. OP said she doesn’t want any visitors initially (not specifically excluding ILs).

Grandparents typically help with the older child. I wonder who will care for the older kid when she’s in the hospital? Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what might not occur to you first timers:

1. It might be nice for the grandparents (all grandparents—not just the mother’s parents) to pop by the hospital for a quick visit the next day. Nice photo op, and bonus points if they bring the new parents something to eat. (That’s what my parents and in-laws did; we staggered the visits.)

2. Your husband might quickly feel overwhelmed once you get home. He might actually need the help of his parents. Extra hands are usually helpful…particularly if they stay elsewhere but show up with good food and treats for the new parents.

3. You will be running on adrenaline the first week or so…and the baby will sleep a lot. Then you’ll feel exhausted once reality kicks in. You’ll want someone to cuddle the baby while you shower or nap. And so will your husband.

4. Don’t underestimate how exhausted and stressed your husband will be. Let him decide what kind of support he needs.

5. Don’t draw a distinction between your parents and his parents. Everyone should be treated with love.

First let me say that both sets of parents came to the hospital for both births, and both got dedicated time visiting after the birth for both of my babies. So no, you won’t get to accuse me of not “treating everyone with love.”

That said, your #5 is completely ridiculous. You might have a leg to stand on if both parents went through equal hell to bring a baby into this world, but nope. A NEW MOTHER IS A PATIENT. She has gone through a physical ordeal any way the birth went, and she may need rest, privacy, peace, and being cared for by whomever makes her feel the most comfortable and the most confident. Could this be a MIL? Sure. But more often, a new mom is way more comfortable with her actual mother than with a woman she may well have met in her late 20s or so and perhaps has only spent time with for a few weeks or months, added all up. So no, it’s not all “equal.” Many of us don’t feel equally comfortable breastfeeding or being physically vulnerable around our ILs, thank you very much.

Should everyone feel welcomed and loved and part of the family? Yes. But let’s not act like a vulnerable mom is going to feel just as comfortable around her MIL as with the woman who literally brought her into the world. Please. Stop with fantasyland.

I have 4 kids, and I quickly realized that my husband needed support too. Perhaps because I welcomed my MIL into our home and gave her an opportunity to help we built a bond. In some ways, my MIL was more helpful than my own mom.

And the who vulnerable victim thing is weird. Yes, having a baby is hard. But you quickly get past the patient period. I’ve had both vaginal deliveries and c-sections btw. I also had a traumatic delivery with serious complications for myself and the baby. Nonetheless, I didn’t ice out the in-laws.

All I’m really saying is the op is going down a path that will inevitably create drama instead of fostering a loving family bond.

Yeah, allowing ILs to visit in the hospital and then asking them to wait a few weeks before staying and being houseguests is really "icing them out"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Umm no mom who just had her vagina stitched up feels like entertaining guests. Get over yourselves and try to be useful.

Yeah, I love how the PP think the most important person is not 1) the baby, who can get sick, or 2) the mom, who just went through a major medical event but rather 3) the grandparent. That tells us everything we need to know.

I’m the PP. I can’t imagine trying to make anyone more important than another. I was so happy and proud and very much wanted to share that with my parents and ILs. I guess you guys just don’t like your ILs? And there’s no “entertaining”, they’re not “guests.” They doted on us and supported DH. I really feel bad for those of you who would keep grandparents away for even a day. It’s not what healthy families do

Nobody cares who you "feel bad for"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what might not occur to you first timers:

1. It might be nice for the grandparents (all grandparents—not just the mother’s parents) to pop by the hospital for a quick visit the next day. Nice photo op, and bonus points if they bring the new parents something to eat. (That’s what my parents and in-laws did; we staggered the visits.)

2. Your husband might quickly feel overwhelmed once you get home. He might actually need the help of his parents. Extra hands are usually helpful…particularly if they stay elsewhere but show up with good food and treats for the new parents.

3. You will be running on adrenaline the first week or so…and the baby will sleep a lot. Then you’ll feel exhausted once reality kicks in. You’ll want someone to cuddle the baby while you shower or nap. And so will your husband.

4. Don’t underestimate how exhausted and stressed your husband will be. Let him decide what kind of support he needs.

5. Don’t draw a distinction between your parents and his parents. Everyone should be treated with love.

First let me say that both sets of parents came to the hospital for both births, and both got dedicated time visiting after the birth for both of my babies. So no, you won’t get to accuse me of not “treating everyone with love.”

That said, your #5 is completely ridiculous. You might have a leg to stand on if both parents went through equal hell to bring a baby into this world, but nope. A NEW MOTHER IS A PATIENT. She has gone through a physical ordeal any way the birth went, and she may need rest, privacy, peace, and being cared for by whomever makes her feel the most comfortable and the most confident. Could this be a MIL? Sure. But more often, a new mom is way more comfortable with her actual mother than with a woman she may well have met in her late 20s or so and perhaps has only spent time with for a few weeks or months, added all up. So no, it’s not all “equal.” Many of us don’t feel equally comfortable breastfeeding or being physically vulnerable around our ILs, thank you very much.

Should everyone feel welcomed and loved and part of the family? Yes. But let’s not act like a vulnerable mom is going to feel just as comfortable around her MIL as with the woman who literally brought her into the world. Please. Stop with fantasyland.

I have 4 kids, and I quickly realized that my husband needed support too. Perhaps because I welcomed my MIL into our home and gave her an opportunity to help we built a bond. In some ways, my MIL was more helpful than my own mom.

And the who vulnerable victim thing is weird. Yes, having a baby is hard. But you quickly get past the patient period. I’ve had both vaginal deliveries and c-sections btw. I also had a traumatic delivery with serious complications for myself and the baby. Nonetheless, I didn’t ice out the in-laws.

All I’m really saying is the op is going down a path that will inevitably create drama instead of fostering a loving family bond.

In what healthy, emotionally mature family is setting boundaries - apparently decided upon mutually between the parents - creating drama? Wouldn’t the grandparents be the ones responsible for responding maturely to the boundary, rather than the parents changing their tune to accommodate the grandparents?

Who is supposed to take precedence after a baby is born? According to many on this thread, evidently the grandparents.

Boundaries are fine, but op is seemingly drawing lines against the in-laws specifically (per the thread title).

And as every btdt parent knows, first timers have no clue just how exhausted they will feel once the baby arrives. Help is a good thing.

Plus: op sounds supremely focused on herself. That approach will create issues with her husband.

In terms of who takes precedence moving forward? The baby.

Fun fact: the baby will always take precedence. Just like the line from Overboard: “Once you have a baby, you wont be the baby anymore.”

OP stated it was a joint decision made between she and her husband. And that she’s not a first time mom.

I do not believe that has been stated. Which post says OP is not a first-time mom? What page?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Umm no mom who just had her vagina stitched up feels like entertaining guests. Get over yourselves and try to be useful.

Yeah, I love how the PP think the most important person is not 1) the baby, who can get sick, or 2) the mom, who just went through a major medical event but rather 3) the grandparent. That tells us everything we need to know.

I’m the PP. I can’t imagine trying to make anyone more important than another. I was so happy and proud and very much wanted to share that with my parents and ILs. I guess you guys just don’t like your ILs? And there’s no “entertaining”, they’re not “guests.” They doted on us and supported DH. I really feel bad for those of you who would keep grandparents away for even a day. It’s not what healthy families do

+1

My in-laws brought home cooked meals, did laundry, and watched the baby while DH and I napped together.

They didn’t stay with us, but they stayed for two weeks locally and returned the next month for another two weeks.

Fun fact: you’ll need the grandparents when you have your second or third baby. Who else will watch your kids when you are in the hospital? Don’t burn bridges, op.

This isn’t OP’s first baby.

Also, not all ILs or parents are there to help. Some are there to be waited on. OP said she doesn’t want any visitors initially (not specifically excluding ILs).

Grandparents typically help with the older child. I wonder who will care for the older kid when she’s in the hospital? Weird.

What older kid?