In-laws being pushy about visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really want your kids to later say -grandma where were you when I was born? Granny says well honey I wasn’t there because I wasn’t welcome. Your mommy and daddy kept you away from me for months after you were born so I never knew you as a tiny baby.

Oh, look, emotional manipulation! Just like OP’s in-laws. Good one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really want your kids to later say -grandma where were you when I was born? Granny says well honey I wasn’t there because I wasn’t welcome. Your mommy and daddy kept you away from me for months after you were born so I never knew you as a tiny baby.

This is as ridiculous as getting the grandparents away for 1-2 months. No kid would ever ask this.
OP- let them come to the hospital and cry and tell you how perfect the baby is. These are life’s best moments. You’re off base on this one

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idk OP. If you’re having a boy, know that karma’s a b****.

“Karma” isn’t real. It’s a lie people tell themselves to feel better pretending that the people they wrongly believe to have “wronged them” will “get theirs.” Total fiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom and brother came when I was readmitted to the hospital when my baby was 5 days old and I couldn’t keep him there (I was very sick). Y thank goodness I was willing to let them come.

And you really can’t see the difference between OP’s situation and yours? Sure you can. Try. I believe in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

Then why are you here? You asked how to set this boundary WITHOUT CAUSING A RIFT. Sorry, but you can’t. The responses here are telling you that.

Go ahead and keep them away for 4-8 weeks. I don’t care and neither does anyone here. BUT don’t come and post that your ILs are upset, miffed, or bothered by this.

I guess this begs the question why grandparents would think their wants should come before the wants of new parents.

Because it's a boundary for no reason. I'd be pro OP if the parents were abusive. My cousin did this and it was too much. She had signs on her baby that she didn't allow anyone to touch him (a full term baby born in the summer before covid was a thing). Her mom pretty much lost her mind that she couldn't touch her grandchild for 6 months.

Also, are BOTH sets of parents being given this boundary or just inlaws?

But again, your story is irrelevant, because OP is not saying anywhere near “six months.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really want your kids to later say -grandma where were you when I was born? Granny says well honey I wasn’t there because I wasn’t welcome. Your mommy and daddy kept you away from me for months after you were born so I never knew you as a tiny baby.

This is so asinine. I never had these conversations with my grandparents, and I doubt you did either.

My kids ask their grandparents about when they "met" they all the time. It's definitely a thing.

Never, ever heard of this supposed “thing.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It is controlling for no reason. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just let the grandparents see experience one of life's rare and precious events by seeing their newborn grandchild soon after it is born. They are not going to take the baby away from you. Being difficult now will not set up well for things between you guys later.

The grandparents are not "being pushy". They are just excited. Would you rather have the opposite?

I say all of this after having BTDT. I was a petty controlling b**** of a DIL for a while.

Fail to see how having boundaries = controlling b****. Also fail to see a huge distinction between two weeks and four weeks.

We have a good relationship generally. DH communicated that we would play it by ear, which is true. But they are chomping at the bit to see the baby within hours/days, which is a non-starter.

They’re excited. Try to stop judging them for just a few minutes and see their excitement coming from a place of love.

Their excitement is self-centered. The focus in the postpartum period should be on the comfort of the new mother.

It must be exhausting to go through life seeing everything through such a hostile, negative lens.

The only exhausting part about this are the self centered boomers like you.

Boomer? Yeah, no. Gen X all the way! We don’t complain or whine. Just suck it up and deal.

Hi, GenX here! Caving into pushy grandparents at the expense of the brand new mother and baby is not “suck it up and deal.” It’s stupid and it makes you sound like a Junior Boomer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

This.

I urge you to reconsider. You are being absolutely ridiculous.

By the time I had my third, I was hoping my in-laws arrived before I went into labor so I could relax.

The best thing you can do for your marriage is realize your husband’s family is now your family as well. Plus, grandparents are a blessing. They will always be your child’s biggest cheerleader.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Do shut up. Especially with cold/flu/RSV/COVID, it’s perfectly fine to let mom and baby recover without having to deal with visitors. GOOD family members are patient, respectful, caring and supportive. Full. Stop.

We dealt with winter flu and other illnesses long before covid. Post covid it’s rather easy to ask grandparents to minimize exposure in the weeks leading up to delivery and to wear a mask when visiting.

Post COVID, it’s rather easy to ask grandparents to minimize exposure by respecting the parents’ wishes and waiting a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Here’s what might not occur to you first timers:

1. It might be nice for the grandparents (all grandparents—not just the mother’s parents) to pop by the hospital for a quick visit the next day. Nice photo op, and bonus points if they bring the new parents something to eat. (That’s what my parents and in-laws did; we staggered the visits.)

2. Your husband might quickly feel overwhelmed once you get home. He might actually need the help of his parents. Extra hands are usually helpful…particularly if they stay elsewhere but show up with good food and treats for the new parents.

3. You will be running on adrenaline the first week or so…and the baby will sleep a lot. Then you’ll feel exhausted once reality kicks in. You’ll want someone to cuddle the baby while you shower or nap. And so will your husband.

4. Don’t underestimate how exhausted and stressed your husband will be. Let him decide what kind of support he needs.

5. Don’t draw a distinction between your parents and his parents. Everyone should be treated with love.

First let me say that both sets of parents came to the hospital for both births, and both got dedicated time visiting after the birth for both of my babies. So no, you won’t get to accuse me of not “treating everyone with love.”

That said, your #5 is completely ridiculous. You might have a leg to stand on if both parents went through equal hell to bring a baby into this world, but nope. A NEW MOTHER IS A PATIENT. She has gone through a physical ordeal any way the birth went, and she may need rest, privacy, peace, and being cared for by whomever makes her feel the most comfortable and the most confident. Could this be a MIL? Sure. But more often, a new mom is way more comfortable with her actual mother than with a woman she may well have met in her late 20s or so and perhaps has only spent time with for a few weeks or months, added all up. So no, it’s not all “equal.” Many of us don’t feel equally comfortable breastfeeding or being physically vulnerable around our ILs, thank you very much.

Should everyone feel welcomed and loved and part of the family? Yes. But let’s not act like a vulnerable mom is going to feel just as comfortable around her MIL as with the woman who literally brought her into the world. Please. Stop with fantasyland.

I have 4 kids, and I quickly realized that my husband needed support too. Perhaps because I welcomed my MIL into our home and gave her an opportunity to help we built a bond. In some ways, my MIL was more helpful than my own mom.

And the who vulnerable victim thing is weird. Yes, having a baby is hard. But you quickly get past the patient period. I’ve had both vaginal deliveries and c-sections btw. I also had a traumatic delivery with serious complications for myself and the baby. Nonetheless, I didn’t ice out the in-laws.

All I’m really saying is the op is going down a path that will inevitably create drama instead of fostering a loving family bond.

In what healthy, emotionally mature family is setting boundaries - apparently decided upon mutually between the parents - creating drama? Wouldn’t the grandparents be the ones responsible for responding maturely to the boundary, rather than the parents changing their tune to accommodate the grandparents?

Who is supposed to take precedence after a baby is born? According to many on this thread, evidently the grandparents.

Boundaries are fine, but op is seemingly drawing lines against the in-laws specifically (per the thread title).

And as every btdt parent knows, first timers have no clue just how exhausted they will feel once the baby arrives. Help is a good thing.

Plus: op sounds supremely focused on herself. That approach will create issues with her husband.

In terms of who takes precedence moving forward? The baby.

Fun fact: the baby will always take precedence. Just like the line from Overboard: “Once you have a baby, you wont be the baby anymore.”

How many of the multiple posts did you read in this thread where the GPs were no “help” whatsoever, except maybe to hold the baby briefly when it wasn’t crying or dirty, then handed it back and crowed about how “helpful” they’d been in “giving mom a break,” all while expecting to be waited on hand and foot and feted as “guests?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP, who is watching your first kid? Is the idea that the husband stays with kid 1 and you go to school he hospital alone? I am very confused and I think you underestimate how much work two kids are and you will probably want help.

Read the thread. “Help?” More like “burden.”

[Anonymous]

I get OP. Our inlaws, who we normally have a great relationship with, were a total PITA when they visited when our son was 1 month, so much that they left early. They came back around 3 months once we got into a routine and they worked great for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine aren’t helpful and create way more work for me plus learning how to breastfeed is hard so 1-2 months is reasonable to me.

same with ours! they were against breastfeeding which we struggled with that first month and they only made everything more stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really want your kids to later say -grandma where were you when I was born? Granny says well honey I wasn’t there because I wasn’t welcome. Your mommy and daddy kept you away from me for months after you were born so I never knew you as a tiny baby.

This is so asinine. I never had these conversations with my grandparents, and I doubt you did either.

My kids ask their grandparents about when they "met" they all the time. It's definitely a thing.

NP. Here is how the conversation could go with an emotionally mature grandparent:

kid: Grandma, when did we meet?

Emotionally mature grandparent: Starting from the day you were born, your dad sent us so many pictures and videos of you. We even did a Facetime and I saw you with your bear and waving a rattle. I finally got to meet you in person when you were 2 months old. You were old enough then that your mom and dad weren't as worried about you getting sick from other people's germs. I was so happy and it was such a special day!

kid: Cool!

not our experience, this is not a thing.

[Anonymous]

Having visitors during the first two months is awful. Between breastfeeding, sleepless nights, and your body getting rid of all the extra water/whatever it just simply isn’t the time to give granny her photo op. Anyone who is demanding it or would ‘just be heartbroken’ if they didn’t get their newborn time is horribly self centered and a real jerk. This is exactly the type of person who wouldn’t be helpful under normal circumstances.