In-laws being pushy about visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do this if you want, but don’t start asking “where’s my village?” when things get hard.

Oh yeah, I'm sure the out of town grandparents will be totally indispensable

[Anonymous]

Parent & baby wants & needs >>> grandparent entitlement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

This. It’s family. Family means compromise. And they love the baby too. You’re difficult. That’s mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds obnoxious.

This. Good luck getting anyone to help you when you need it. Selfish. What comes around goes around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I decided that we want to wait 1-2 months after baby is born (next month) for visitors. His parents are being very pushy about wanting to see the baby very quickly after birth. How do we hold the boundary without creating a rift? In his family it’s very common for everyone to be in the hospital etc. I’m just annoyed at our wishes not being respected.

He must simply tell his family to back off. They’ll be invited when YOU are ready for visitors. If he refuses to do this, he’s already failed as a father.

Dp How would you feel pp if the parents say 'fine' we won't push or ask to see the baby. And then when you call them to visit they say, "sorry but we can't" Will you accept it or whine and complain that they don't care about your FAMILEEEE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg this is always such a polarizing topic and people are so rude about it.

OP, so what makes YOU happy. Agree that you will have to accept and let go that in laws may be upset.

We didn’t have in laws there until two months and they were annoying about it but life goes on. Let go of caring what anyone but your immediate family thinks and feels when you’re making decisions about your postpartum happiness/sanity. Good luck!

This s the best advice! You are going to have many situations where you may need to choose between what is best for your family vs what someone else wants. You have to let go of expecting that the extended family member will happily understand that not getting what they want is in the best interest of you and your kids. You can’t control whether they behave with selfishness or understanding. If they get mad and throw a fit that’s on them not you. Don’t own they’re crazy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will they be helpful? You and DH will need support the first six weeks - who will be providing that? Isolating from everyone for two months is a risk factor for PPD. You need a community, so if they will be helpful and kind, grandparents are a great place to start.

If your parents are coming and not DH’s, and they are both vaccinated and helpful people, that’s a problem, but I don’t want to project.

The spouse supports the new mother and newborn.

White people!!! This is what family is for, my mom stayed with us for two months both times, she was so amazingly helpful. She took care of me, helped with the baby, fed us, let us get rest. It was truly wonderful.

Please watch yourself. You cannot possibly make this a "white thing" And I am very resentful that you brought race into it. Yes, I am white but, didn't have these rules when my babies were born.

NP but find me another one of these posters (there are several of these - at least once a week of women who don't want MIL around after birth) that is not white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

FIRST TIME MOMMY ALERT!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really want your kids to later say -grandma where were you when I was born? Granny says well honey I wasn’t there because I wasn’t welcome. Your mommy and daddy kept you away from me for months after you were born so I never knew you as a tiny baby.

This is so asinine. I never had these conversations with my grandparents, and I doubt you did either.

My kids ask their grandparents about when they "met" they all the time. It's definitely a thing.

NP. Here is how the conversation could go with an emotionally mature grandparent:

kid: Grandma, when did we meet?

Emotionally mature grandparent: Starting from the day you were born, your dad sent us so many pictures and videos of you. We even did a Facetime and I saw you with your bear and waving a rattle. I finally got to meet you in person when you were 2 months old. You were old enough then that your mom and dad weren't as worried about you getting sick from other people's germs. I was so happy and it was such a special day!

kid: Cool!

Re-read what you wrote and think about how sad that sounds. That sounds so sad to me. I'm so glad that DH and I have a good relationship with both sets of our parents. DD1 was early, so my parents met her at a week old, but DD2 was right on time and my mom flew in on the day of my scheduled C. My in-laws are driving distance, so they were able to just come for the day and then came back after my parents left.

[Anonymous]

OP - will your mother be with you? I'm fortunate to be from a culture where new mothers are secluded for at least a month and not allowed to lift a finger, so we explained to DH's parents that they could meet the baby in the hospital, but that my mom would be staying with us for two months to take care of me and the baby and they could come again after she left. They got to meet both of our children first (before my mom), so they were okay with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will they be helpful? You and DH will need support the first six weeks - who will be providing that? Isolating from everyone for two months is a risk factor for PPD. You need a community, so if they will be helpful and kind, grandparents are a great place to start.

If your parents are coming and not DH’s, and they are both vaccinated and helpful people, that’s a problem, but I don’t want to project.

The spouse supports the new mother and newborn.

White people!!! This is what family is for, my mom stayed with us for two months both times, she was so amazingly helpful. She took care of me, helped with the baby, fed us, let us get rest. It was truly wonderful.

Please watch yourself. You cannot possibly make this a "white thing" And I am very resentful that you brought race into it. Yes, I am white but, didn't have these rules when my babies were born.

NP but find me another one of these posters (there are several of these - at least once a week of women who don't want MIL around after birth) that is not white.

OP here and I am not white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

FIRST TIME MOMMY ALERT!!

This is my third kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

FIRST TIME MOMMY ALERT!!

How is this a bad thing to consider even if she is a FTM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds obnoxious.

This. Good luck getting anyone to help you when you need it. Selfish. What comes around goes around.

NP. Any grandparent who wouldn’t help their grandchild regardless of their relationship with the grandchild’s parents doesn’t deserve the title or access of a grandparent, full stop. That’s weaponizing the role of grandparent and treating a child as a pawn; no thanks.

We have great relationships with both sets of grandparents. That said, we live quite a distance from both. Our primary village is my aunt and uncle, as well as my cousin and her husband, all who live local. We have great neighbors, we have friends with whom we are close, and we even have coworkers with kids our kids’ age that we socialize with. We have siblings and great siblings-in-law. We also have current and former daycare staff who are regular babysitters. Grandparents are not the end-all/be-all when it comes to a network of help. So you might want to think twice before withholding support if you don’t always get your way—you may find yourself shut out completely.

[Anonymous]

At least let them meet the baby and have them go on their merry way until you are ready. This is your family right?