How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.

No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action.

No, I'm not very inclusive of people who invite themselves. Because it's rude, and I don't believe we owe it to other people to tolerate rudeness. And their behavior has consequences. Call me whatever names you like. I'm not a doormat like OP who tells her own parents to suck it up because her DH isn't man enough to stand up to his own parents.

I would be much more likely to include someone who was polite, considerate, and respected boundaries. If they asked if they could come over, rather than announcing that they are going to butt in, that would be much nicer. But that's not what this situation is.

OP’s parents don’t want to spend Christmas at OP’s house with the in laws. You guys really need to read out OP’s detail and make up your own:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.

No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action.

The phrase you're looking for is "closed-hearted". And people who show up uninvited are selfish, oblivious, pushy, thoughtless, and unkind. If their hearts were truly open, they would be open to the idea that other people have different customs and preferences and other people should be respected, especially in their own homes. But nope. Hearts are closed to that idea. Yaaaaaaay, faaaaaaaamily! Oh what a merry Christmas it is when people randomly show up even though they aren't wanted. The best gift of all is unwanted houseguests when you are already busy hosting the people you actually did invite.

This kind of behavior is exactly why boundaries exist and are a good thing. Boundaries and etiquette help us all get along. People need a little space from each other. Now that the ILs have thoroughly annoyed OP's parents and showed their lack of etiquette and consideration, they're much less likely to be invited every again.

You want an exclusive family event and a pass for having one. You can get the event but not the pass. You make this about the in laws to take the focus off of OP’s parents. Interesting that OP feels badly for leave the in law out.

OP seems like a pushover TBH. And she's rude to invite the ILs to her parents' house-- one doesn't make invitations to other people's houses, ever.

I don't think anyone needs a "pass" for having a family event with the people they choose to invite. I wouldn't be at all offended if my future ILs didn't invite me, and I certainly wouldn't be so rude as to show up uninvited. You can't invite everyone in the world, if that's "exclusive" to you then okay. Enjoy your ILs and their other children and their other children's spouses and children and exes and stepchildren and the exes' new partners and that person's parents and on and on and on. There's no end to it if you don't draw some lines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.

No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action.

The phrase you're looking for is "closed-hearted". And people who show up uninvited are selfish, oblivious, pushy, thoughtless, and unkind. If their hearts were truly open, they would be open to the idea that other people have different customs and preferences and other people should be respected, especially in their own homes. But nope. Hearts are closed to that idea. Yaaaaaaay, faaaaaaaamily! Oh what a merry Christmas it is when people randomly show up even though they aren't wanted. The best gift of all is unwanted houseguests when you are already busy hosting the people you actually did invite.

This kind of behavior is exactly why boundaries exist and are a good thing. Boundaries and etiquette help us all get along. People need a little space from each other. Now that the ILs have thoroughly annoyed OP's parents and showed their lack of etiquette and consideration, they're much less likely to be invited every again.

You want an exclusive family event and a pass for having one. You can get the event but not the pass. You make this about the in laws to take the focus off of OP’s parents. Interesting that OP feels badly for leave the in law out.

OP seems like a pushover TBH. And she's rude to invite the ILs to her parents' house-- one doesn't make invitations to other people's houses, ever.

I don't think anyone needs a "pass" for having a family event with the people they choose to invite. I wouldn't be at all offended if my future ILs didn't invite me, and I certainly wouldn't be so rude as to show up uninvited. You can't invite everyone in the world, if that's "exclusive" to you then okay. Enjoy your ILs and their other children and their other children's spouses and children and exes and stepchildren and the exes' new partners and that person's parents and on and on and on. There's no end to it if you don't draw some lines.

OP seems like a pushover? I thought we were supposed to consider what she and her DH wanted for Christmas? Guess not, when it goes against the common anti in law refrain. Never change DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - the question was never about disinviting anyone. They were never invited but they came anyway and assume they will do the same if we try to visit my parents again

If that is what you anticipate, and your parents do not want uninvited guests to show up at Christmas, then it is entirely up to your parents to communicate that directly to the in laws, as the hosts, to the uninvited Christmas-crashers. It is their house, their rules, their job to enforce their house rules.

Then they have been warned and if they show up anyway and are turned away at the door, they will know why.

Your parents need to be their own messengers of bsd Christmas tidings. Not you, and certainly not your husband.

Wow, I would never, ever throw my parents or loved ones under the bus like that. ILs are not asking, they are imposing. They are in the wrong. If I knew my parents didn’t want a dynamic my ILs were creating, I would step up as a good daughter and run interference. I would invite them all to a joint family event at some other time, but make Christmas a special “turn” alternating years.

It sounds like OP and her parents are the ones who have an axe to grind here. They want to reject the in laws at Christmas but don't want to be blamed for it. The OP and her parents are acting passive aggressively. They want the husband to reject his parents so he will be the bad guy. This is not about the in laws behavior at all. In fact, if this has happened before, and OP and her parents failed to mske it clear that the in laws were unwelcome by OPs parents on Christmas, the issue would have been resolved. Instead, the in laws probably have no idea how OP and her parents feel. Passive aggressive is a poor communications style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

OP and parents all sound stingy. Husband and kids should go do their own thing.

[Anonymous]

[b]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.

No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action.

No, I'm not very inclusive of people who invite themselves. Because it's rude, and I don't believe we owe it to other people to tolerate rudeness. And their behavior has consequences. Call me whatever names you like. I'm not a doormat like OP who tells her own parents to suck it up because her DH isn't man enough to stand up to his own parents.

I would be much more likely to include someone who was polite, considerate, and respected boundaries. If they asked if they could come over, rather than announcing that they are going to butt in, that would be much nicer. But that's not what this situation is.

How do you know they didn’t ask if they could come over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[b]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.

No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action.

No, I'm not very inclusive of people who invite themselves. Because it's rude, and I don't believe we owe it to other people to tolerate rudeness. And their behavior has consequences. Call me whatever names you like. I'm not a doormat like OP who tells her own parents to suck it up because her DH isn't man enough to stand up to his own parents.

I would be much more likely to include someone who was polite, considerate, and respected boundaries. If they asked if they could come over, rather than announcing that they are going to butt in, that would be much nicer. But that's not what this situation is.

How do you know they didn’t ask if they could come over?

OP said it on page 7 at 16:11.

Op - they basically said we know you’re going to be in x state and so we’ve arranged to go on vaca from there after Xmas so we can come join you for Xmas and the day after.
I feel like I’m gonna have to talk to my parents and say we just need to suck it up that they join. It feels too mean to say you can’t come. My feeling is they shouldn’t expect to come - but clearly they do so given that fact I think we prob just need to accept it

It's very unclear why OP feels mean for having what I think are very normal boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reading comprehension of people responding to this thread is terrible. People, the ILs showed up *uninvited* to OP’s parents’ house in another state. This event is NOT at OP’s house. That’s not okay. And totally reasonable for OP’s parents to not want that to happen again. And totally reasonable for OP and her family to go to see her parents for a major holiday and not have the in-laws show up uninvited again.

OP, your husband needs to tell them that you all will celebrate Christmas with them either before or after your trip.

If someone ever shows up uninvited to my house, and if I regard that as an intolerable imposition rather than a minor inconvenience or a pleasant surprise, I tell them that. You can be polite about it but adults need to know how to communicate properly. "Sorry, in laws, but we did not know you were going to be in town and we are not in a position to host the two of you at our home this Christmas. If you are going to be in town sightseeing for a while, there is a lot of great restaurants. What hotel will you be staying at? Maybe we could all do brunch one day before you go back home. Have a great Christmas!" Then close the front door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - the question was never about disinviting anyone. They were never invited but they came anyway and assume they will do the same if we try to visit my parents again

If that is what you anticipate, and your parents do not want uninvited guests to show up at Christmas, then it is entirely up to your parents to communicate that directly to the in laws, as the hosts, to the uninvited Christmas-crashers. It is their house, their rules, their job to enforce their house rules.

Then they have been warned and if they show up anyway and are turned away at the door, they will know why.

Your parents need to be their own messengers of bsd Christmas tidings. Not you, and certainly not your husband.

Wow, I would never, ever throw my parents or loved ones under the bus like that. ILs are not asking, they are imposing. They are in the wrong. If I knew my parents didn’t want a dynamic my ILs were creating, I would step up as a good daughter and run interference. I would invite them all to a joint family event at some other time, but make Christmas a special “turn” alternating years.

It sounds like OP and her parents are the ones who have an axe to grind here. They want to reject the in laws at Christmas but don't want to be blamed for it. The OP and her parents are acting passive aggressively. They want the husband to reject his parents so he will be the bad guy. This is not about the in laws behavior at all. In fact, if this has happened before, and OP and her parents failed to mske it clear that the in laws were unwelcome by OPs parents on Christmas, the issue would have been resolved. Instead, the in laws probably have no idea how OP and her parents feel. Passive aggressive is a poor communications style.

1) It's normal for each person in a marriage to take the lead in dealing with their own parents. It's fine to be "blamed" for upholding normal boundaries and good manners. The ILs will fuss and whine amd have hurt feelings, and it will be annoying, but that's not a reason to give in to their selfish behavior.

2) It 10000% is about the ILs' behavior, because if they didn't act so rude and entitled there would be no need to have a hard conversation about their behavior. OP and her parents are at fault for not being more clear, but the ILs should accept what OP tells them.

3) It's very unclear to me what the plan is for Christmas this year, whether it's at OP's house (in which case it's up to her to choose the invitees but her parents don't have to attend), or whether it's at her parents' house or some third location. If the parents are paying for or own the third location, then an invitation is not for OP to issue. It's rude to invite people to a place that isn't yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

+2. I don't understand this doling out of the christmases. Why can't they both go to both and everyone be together? That is certainly in keeping with the Christmas Spirit. And parents need to understand that times change. This is not their Christmas in their house any more. If they want uninterrupted time alone, they do it at other times of the year.
The end.

Like when Mary and Joseph forced themselves into a crowded inn rather than politely staying out by the manger? Come on. Forcing yourself on people who don't want you is not in keeping with the Christmas spirit at all. They could have asked permission, but they didn't because they wanted to manipulate and use social pressure to get what they want. Rude, rude, rude. Rudeness is not the Christmas spirit. "The end."

The parents dont want them there, but you can't disinvite uninvited people if you don't know they are coming. The OP doesn't want them there either. Time for the DH to act like an adult and speak to his parents, or the OP can do it for them.

I’m sure they did ask permission and then OP’s parents said ok (because they felt pressured) but the IL’s thought it was a real invitation. I am absolutely positive they didn’t just knock on the door out of the blue. OP would have said said that if it were the case.

If OP's parents said Ok then it was a real invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

+2. I don't understand this doling out of the christmases. Why can't they both go to both and everyone be together? That is certainly in keeping with the Christmas Spirit. And parents need to understand that times change. This is not their Christmas in their house any more. If they want uninterrupted time alone, they do it at other times of the year.
The end.

Like when Mary and Joseph forced themselves into a crowded inn rather than politely staying out by the manger? Come on. Forcing yourself on people who don't want you is not in keeping with the Christmas spirit at all. They could have asked permission, but they didn't because they wanted to manipulate and use social pressure to get what they want. Rude, rude, rude. Rudeness is not the Christmas spirit. "The end."

The parents dont want them there, but you can't disinvite uninvited people if you don't know they are coming. The OP doesn't want them there either. Time for the DH to act like an adult and speak to his parents, or the OP can do it for them.

I’m sure they did ask permission and then OP’s parents said ok (because they felt pressured) but the IL’s thought it was a real invitation. I am absolutely positive they didn’t just knock on the door out of the blue. OP would have said said that if it were the case.

If OP's parents said Ok then it was a real invitation.

If the ILs did ask, that's really rude too. You cannot ask people if you can come for holidays unless they're very very close relatives or friends, because it places them in an awkward position. It's much better than just showing up at the door, but it's still really really rude. If people are polite enough to say yes and spare your feelings, it's still rude. It's manipulative and intrusive and exploits social norms to trample boundaries. If the OP's parents actually did want the ILs there, they would invite them-- really invite them, not say yes under pressure.

[Anonymous]

Objectively, the in laws did nothing wrong. On one previous Christmas, they went above and beyond to join the rest of the family, told everyone thats what they had in mind, and no one ever told them it was a bad idea and they were not welcome. Then, they spent Christmas with OPs parents and the rest, and no one ever told them they werr unwelcome. In fact when it was all over OP and her parents did or said nothing to the in laws suggesting it was a mistake and should never happen again. OPs story is so lacking in context that it kind of sounds like her parents dont like the in laws for some reason it is socially unacceptable to articulate--i.e. in laws or at least one of them is from an ethnic or racial minority and OPs parents are biased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

+2. I don't understand this doling out of the christmases. Why can't they both go to both and everyone be together? That is certainly in keeping with the Christmas Spirit. And parents need to understand that times change. This is not their Christmas in their house any more. If they want uninterrupted time alone, they do it at other times of the year.
The end.

Like when Mary and Joseph forced themselves into a crowded inn rather than politely staying out by the manger? Come on. Forcing yourself on people who don't want you is not in keeping with the Christmas spirit at all. They could have asked permission, but they didn't because they wanted to manipulate and use social pressure to get what they want. Rude, rude, rude. Rudeness is not the Christmas spirit. "The end."

The parents dont want them there, but you can't disinvite uninvited people if you don't know they are coming. The OP doesn't want them there either. Time for the DH to act like an adult and speak to his parents, or the OP can do it for them.

I’m sure they did ask permission and then OP’s parents said ok (because they felt pressured) but the IL’s thought it was a real invitation. I am absolutely positive they didn’t just knock on the door out of the blue. OP would have said said that if it were the case.

If OP's parents said Ok then it was a real invitation.

If the ILs did ask, that's really rude too. You cannot ask people if you can come for holidays unless they're very very close relatives or friends, because it places them in an awkward position. It's much better than just showing up at the door, but it's still really really rude. If people are polite enough to say yes and spare your feelings, it's still rude. It's manipulative and intrusive and exploits social norms to trample boundaries. If the OP's parents actually did want the ILs there, they would invite them-- really invite them, not say yes under pressure.

Sure you can ask. They are all related by marriage. "Hey guess what we will be in town over Christmas, would it be ok if we all spend it together at your place?" Thats such a perfectly natural ask and so common esp on a holiday like Christmas that many people in OPs parents position would deem it a snub if said in laws did not make their plans known and ask to spend it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Objectively, the in laws did nothing wrong. On one previous Christmas, they went above and beyond to join the rest of the family, told everyone thats what they had in mind, and no one ever told them it was a bad idea and they were not welcome. Then, they spent Christmas with OPs parents and the rest, and no one ever told them they werr unwelcome. In fact when it was all over OP and her parents did or said nothing to the in laws suggesting it was a mistake and should never happen again. OPs story is so lacking in context that it kind of sounds like her parents dont like the in laws for some reason it is socially unacceptable to articulate--i.e. in laws or at least one of them is from an ethnic or racial minority and OPs parents are biased.

Yes, it is rude to invite themselves. And it could just as easily be the other way. Maybe the ILs *were* welcome until they did something unforseen like being Trumpy or racist or smoking indoors or bringing an annoying dog or who knows what. Could be anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

+2. I don't understand this doling out of the christmases. Why can't they both go to both and everyone be together? That is certainly in keeping with the Christmas Spirit. And parents need to understand that times change. This is not their Christmas in their house any more. If they want uninterrupted time alone, they do it at other times of the year.
The end.

Like when Mary and Joseph forced themselves into a crowded inn rather than politely staying out by the manger? Come on. Forcing yourself on people who don't want you is not in keeping with the Christmas spirit at all. They could have asked permission, but they didn't because they wanted to manipulate and use social pressure to get what they want. Rude, rude, rude. Rudeness is not the Christmas spirit. "The end."

The parents dont want them there, but you can't disinvite uninvited people if you don't know they are coming. The OP doesn't want them there either. Time for the DH to act like an adult and speak to his parents, or the OP can do it for them.

I’m sure they did ask permission and then OP’s parents said ok (because they felt pressured) but the IL’s thought it was a real invitation. I am absolutely positive they didn’t just knock on the door out of the blue. OP would have said said that if it were the case.

If OP's parents said Ok then it was a real invitation.

If the ILs did ask, that's really rude too. You cannot ask people if you can come for holidays unless they're very very close relatives or friends, because it places them in an awkward position. It's much better than just showing up at the door, but it's still really really rude. If people are polite enough to say yes and spare your feelings, it's still rude. It's manipulative and intrusive and exploits social norms to trample boundaries. If the OP's parents actually did want the ILs there, they would invite them-- really invite them, not say yes under pressure.

Sure you can ask. They are all related by marriage. "Hey guess what we will be in town over Christmas, would it be ok if we all spend it together at your place?" Thats such a perfectly natural ask and so common esp on a holiday like Christmas that many people in OPs parents position would deem it a snub if said in laws did not make their plans known and ask to spend it together.

Yup that's rude. They're slightly related but certainly not closely related. The polite thing to do would be to quietly feel out the issue through your son and DIL, and-- key point-- not take it as permission to butt in on every single Christmas for the rest of their lives and pout when you don't get it. And it wouldn't be polite to come up with a fake trip for the purpose of making this ask-- that's disingenuous.