Reply to How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas

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[quote=Anonymous][b][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Just share Christmas.  It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want.  Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???[/quote]

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around.  OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.[/quote]

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present.  Some people just have a stingy spirit.  Just the way it is.[/quote]

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year). [/quote]

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way.  She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids."  So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.[/quote]

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...[/quote]

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.[/quote]

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.[/quote]

No one said it was a crime.  But it is close hearted.[/quote]

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.[/quote]

No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action.[/quote]

No, I'm not very inclusive of people who invite themselves. Because it's rude, and I don't believe we owe it to other people to tolerate rudeness. And their behavior has consequences. Call me whatever names you like. I'm not a doormat like OP who tells her own parents to suck it up because her DH isn't man enough to stand up to his own parents.

I would be much more likely to include someone who was polite, considerate, and respected boundaries. If they asked if they could come over, rather than announcing that they are going to butt in, that would be much nicer. But that's not what this situation is. [/quote]

How do you know they didn’t ask if they could come over?[/quote]

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