How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas
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Anonymous
No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted. |
Anonymous
You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them. |
Anonymous
You should have told them last year. You taught them that their behavior is acceptable, and your failure to set boundaries back then has come back to bite you. I think you need to put them on an information diet. Tell them very clearly that they are not to come, and don't tell them anything about where you will be on what date and what time. If they do show up, you will have to tell them very clearly that they are not wanted, and not let them in. It's going to be hard, but with boundary-trampling entitled selfish people, clarity is the kindest option. |
Anonymous
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Why can’t your parents share Christmas. What is the big deal.
Seems immature to me. We never say no to anyone who wants to join us for big occasions. It has not been an issue. |
Anonymous
Because sharing with normal people is one thing, sharing with pushy boundary-crashers is another. Who knows what other selfish ideas they'll think up and what other occasions they'll butt into. Some people like a little privacy-- some people even think it's polite to give other people privacy and not show up uninvited. Imagine that. And sometimes older people just aren't up to hosting large groups in their home. It's nothing personal. As we get older we simply don't have as much energy and these things become a challenge. Just because you can manage it in your 30s-50s doesn't make it okay to dump surprise guests on people in their 70s and 80s. |
Anonymous
Wait, so you can tell your parents to suck it up, but your DH can't tell his parents to suck it up? I would only do this if you don't want to be invited to your parents' home for Christmas ever again. |
Anonymous
No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action. |
Anonymous
No, I'm not very inclusive of people who invite themselves. Because it's rude, and I don't believe we owe it to other people to tolerate rudeness. And their behavior has consequences. Call me whatever names you like. I'm not a doormat like OP who tells her own parents to suck it up because her DH isn't man enough to stand up to his own parents. I would be much more likely to include someone who was polite, considerate, and respected boundaries. If they asked if they could come over, rather than announcing that they are going to butt in, that would be much nicer. But that's not what this situation is. |
Anonymous
Of course I did. |
Anonymous
The phrase you're looking for is "closed-hearted". And people who show up uninvited are selfish, oblivious, pushy, thoughtless, and unkind. If their hearts were truly open, they would be open to the idea that other people have different customs and preferences and other people should be respected, especially in their own homes. But nope. Hearts are closed to that idea. Yaaaaaaay, faaaaaaaamily! Oh what a merry Christmas it is when people randomly show up even though they aren't wanted. The best gift of all is unwanted houseguests when you are already busy hosting the people you actually did invite. This kind of behavior is exactly why boundaries exist and are a good thing. Boundaries and etiquette help us all get along. People need a little space from each other. Now that the ILs have thoroughly annoyed OP's parents and showed their lack of etiquette and consideration, they're much less likely to be invited every again. |
Anonymous
No. Someone who was not invited is not being dis-invited. They are being asked to leave an event *because* they were not invited. "Asked to leave" is the phrase. |
Anonymous
Someone unexpectedly shows up at your house to visit for Christmas. They are at your door. You can either invite them in, or tell them they are not invited in. In this case, it makes more sense for OP or her parents not to wait until the in laws travel thousands of miles cross country to disinvite them. |
Anonymous
You have to assign quite a lot of bad behavior and motive to get to your end point. Trouble is OP has not done so. |
Anonymous
You want an exclusive family event and a pass for having one. You can get the event but not the pass. You make this about the in laws to take the focus off of OP’s parents. Interesting that OP feels badly for leave the in law out. |
Anonymous
Okay, no. OP. It's against etiquette to invite people to a place that isn't yours! You don't get to put this burden on your parents. That's really rude OF YOU. This is what people like your ILs do-- they just crash through boundaries and ignore good manners that are there for a reason, and then other people feel obligated to accomodate them, and they win. Don't give in to it. Stand up for your parents and your family. You don't owe it to your ILs to put this burden on your parents. |