How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas

[Anonymous]

I would do what we did when we had children and told parents that we were having major holidays at our house and starting our own traditions and they were invited to arrive
Dec. 22 and leave Dec. 27.

My new traditions were to have big Christmas dinner on the 23rd, a quiet Christmas Eve with last minute gifts, etc. Christmas morning breakfast., Open presents. Christmas afternoon buffet with Left overs and a standing rib roast.

Nobody ever complained and everyone was happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.

No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action.

The phrase you're looking for is "closed-hearted". And people who show up uninvited are selfish, oblivious, pushy, thoughtless, and unkind. If their hearts were truly open, they would be open to the idea that other people have different customs and preferences and other people should be respected, especially in their own homes. But nope. Hearts are closed to that idea. Yaaaaaaay, faaaaaaaamily! Oh what a merry Christmas it is when people randomly show up even though they aren't wanted. The best gift of all is unwanted houseguests when you are already busy hosting the people you actually did invite.

This kind of behavior is exactly why boundaries exist and are a good thing. Boundaries and etiquette help us all get along. People need a little space from each other. Now that the ILs have thoroughly annoyed OP's parents and showed their lack of etiquette and consideration, they're much less likely to be invited every again.

You want an exclusive family event and a pass for having one. You can get the event but not the pass. You make this about the in laws to take the focus off of OP’s parents. Interesting that OP feels badly for leave the in law out.

OP seems like a pushover TBH. And she's rude to invite the ILs to her parents' house-- one doesn't make invitations to other people's houses, ever.

I don't think anyone needs a "pass" for having a family event with the people they choose to invite. I wouldn't be at all offended if my future ILs didn't invite me, and I certainly wouldn't be so rude as to show up uninvited. You can't invite everyone in the world, if that's "exclusive" to you then okay. Enjoy your ILs and their other children and their other children's spouses and children and exes and stepchildren and the exes' new partners and that person's parents and on and on and on. There's no end to it if you don't draw some lines.

Ha … OP discuss with your husband and then be super clear with yourself and ILs. I was in a similar situation and failed to be clear. A guest invited someone else to our house whom we really don’t like because they have repeatedly taken advantage of us. I felt extremely uncomfortable by the situation and tried to indirectly indicate the third party was not welcome. Didn’t succeed because I was not firm and direct. I wasn’t passive aggressive, but definitely a wuss and pushover. The originally uninvited party arrived, tensions escalated and even now everyone is upset. I toughened up since then, but the ultimate mess with the guests who were actually invited is 100% on me. Yes, they were rude to invite someone else, and, yes, the third party was rude to come when they knew they don’t like us and don’t have a good relationship with us. But, all that I needed to do was a simple “I’m sorry, no.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn't your husband's responsibility when it is your own parents who want to disinvite your in laws.

Actually, that is on your parents. If they want to disinvite your parents for Christmas, just tell them "That's up to you but they won't be happy about it. Let us know how they react when you tell them they aren't invited."

Don't do your parents' dirty work and don't try to coerce your husband into doing it either.

I suspect that there is at least one narcissist in this mix, maybe several, but I can't tell who.

THEY WERE NOT INVITED IN THE FIRST PLACE. They willfully gatecrashed last year like rude teenagers. There is nothing to “disinvite” for this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

+2. I don't understand this doling out of the christmases. Why can't they both go to both and everyone be together? That is certainly in keeping with the Christmas Spirit. And parents need to understand that times change. This is not their Christmas in their house any more. If they want uninterrupted time alone, they do it at other times of the year.
The end.

No. The end.

not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - they basically said we know you’re going to be in x state and so we’ve arranged to go on vaca from there after Xmas so we can come join you for Xmas and the day after.
I feel like I’m gonna have to talk to my parents and say we just need to suck it up that they join. It feels too mean to say you can’t come. My feeling is they shouldn’t expect to come - but clearly they do so given that fact I think we prob just need to accept it

Yuck. No. They’re attempting to manipulate you and your parents and you’re allowing it. Again. Grow a spine, both you and your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.

The PPs defending them are rude, pushy people, which is why they see nothing wrong with the IL’s gross behavior,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.

No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action.

You’re so full of crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.

No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action.

The phrase you're looking for is "closed-hearted". And people who show up uninvited are selfish, oblivious, pushy, thoughtless, and unkind. If their hearts were truly open, they would be open to the idea that other people have different customs and preferences and other people should be respected, especially in their own homes. But nope. Hearts are closed to that idea. Yaaaaaaay, faaaaaaaamily! Oh what a merry Christmas it is when people randomly show up even though they aren't wanted. The best gift of all is unwanted houseguests when you are already busy hosting the people you actually did invite.

This kind of behavior is exactly why boundaries exist and are a good thing. Boundaries and etiquette help us all get along. People need a little space from each other. Now that the ILs have thoroughly annoyed OP's parents and showed their lack of etiquette and consideration, they're much less likely to be invited every again.

You want an exclusive family event and a pass for having one. You can get the event but not the pass. You make this about the in laws to take the focus off of OP’s parents. Interesting that OP feels badly for leave the in law out.

OP seems like a pushover TBH. And she's rude to invite the ILs to her parents' house-- one doesn't make invitations to other people's houses, ever.

I don't think anyone needs a "pass" for having a family event with the people they choose to invite. I wouldn't be at all offended if my future ILs didn't invite me, and I certainly wouldn't be so rude as to show up uninvited. You can't invite everyone in the world, if that's "exclusive" to you then okay. Enjoy your ILs and their other children and their other children's spouses and children and exes and stepchildren and the exes' new partners and that person's parents and on and on and on. There's no end to it if you don't draw some lines.

OP seems like a pushover? I thought we were supposed to consider what she and her DH wanted for Christmas? Guess not, when it goes against the common anti in law refrain. Never change DCUM!

And there it is, the predictable childish retort. News flash: This behavior would be 100% as pathetic and egregious if it was OP’s parents “inviting” themselves and gatecrashing Christmas at the ILs’ house. But then, you already knew that.

[Anonymous]

If we invite my parents, we invite DH’s parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

+2. I don't understand this doling out of the christmases. Why can't they both go to both and everyone be together? That is certainly in keeping with the Christmas Spirit. And parents need to understand that times change. This is not their Christmas in their house any more. If they want uninterrupted time alone, they do it at other times of the year.
The end.

Like when Mary and Joseph forced themselves into a crowded inn rather than politely staying out by the manger? Come on. Forcing yourself on people who don't want you is not in keeping with the Christmas spirit at all. They could have asked permission, but they didn't because they wanted to manipulate and use social pressure to get what they want. Rude, rude, rude. Rudeness is not the Christmas spirit. "The end."

The parents dont want them there, but you can't disinvite uninvited people if you don't know they are coming. The OP doesn't want them there either. Time for the DH to act like an adult and speak to his parents, or the OP can do it for them.

I’m sure they did ask permission and then OP’s parents said ok (because they felt pressured) but the IL’s thought it was a real invitation. I am absolutely positive they didn’t just knock on the door out of the blue. OP would have said said that if it were the case.

If OP's parents said Ok then it was a real invitation.

Nope. You’re just like the moms here who insist that if a child’s birthday party invitation doesn’t say in bold capital letters NO SIBLINGS, it’s totally fine to either just show up with your younger kids or make a phone call putting the parent on the spot “asking” if your other kids can come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we invite my parents, we invite DH’s parents.

THEY WERE AT OP’S PARENTS’ HOUSE.

God, reading comprehension is dead.

[Anonymous]

Maybe we can all agree on some terminology here.

invite: to extend an offer to attend
disinvite: to withdraw a previously given offer to attend
not invite: to withhold an offer to attend

And then there is a fourth thing that I'm not sure there is a word for, that people are proposing. I'll call it "anti-invite"

anti-invite: to affirmatively go out of your way to tell someone they are not welcome in advance

Seems like the right thing to do here is simply not invite. No need to talk to the ILs about it at all. (You're also a solid 8 months early in even thinking about this.)

OP, you were clear that the ILs didn't show up unannounced on a door step a few years ago. They let you know ahead of time that they planned on going. IF that happens this time, that is when you say something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

I completely understand the issue of the ILs overstepping but I am not a big fan of adults demanding alone with their adult children and grandchildren on what is the biggest holiday, especially when they make no effort to have a solo weekend or an effort to visit at any other time of the year. Parents/Grandparents should make things easier for their adult children's visits, not harder. Even if that means welcome your adult child's in-laws.

Do either OP parents or inlaws have extended family or other adult children and grandchildren they also see on any given holiday? Single adult children or k-12 or college that celebrate holidays at their house?

So the OP made it seem that inlaws are a solo local unit and the OP parents don't want them around for any visit to OP. Hypothetical scenario- inlaws live in MoCo and OP in DC. OP parents fly in for any holiday visit. If retired inlaws have no other ties to the area, it's time to consider moving after dinner for 2 while local OP has a festive family gathering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do what we did when we had children and told parents that we were having major holidays at our house and starting our own traditions and they were invited to arrive
Dec. 22 and leave Dec. 27.

My new traditions were to have big Christmas dinner on the 23rd, a quiet Christmas Eve with last minute gifts, etc. Christmas morning breakfast., Open presents. Christmas afternoon buffet with Left overs and a standing rib roast.

Nobody ever complained and everyone was happy.

Same. I always hosted and said whoever want to join can. I never thought it was fair to give just one side Christmas. I've had my parents yearly, siblings, aunts and uncles, best friends. I actually wish my inlaws would come visit for Christmas. I think that my inlaws thought that if they didn't come visit me and that they spent it at home, that their other kids would visit them on Christmas with grandkids. But the other siblings never had grandkids and my inlaws have missed out on grandkid Christmases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - they basically said we know you’re going to be in x state and so we’ve arranged to go on vaca from there after Xmas so we can come join you for Xmas and the day after.
I feel like I’m gonna have to talk to my parents and say we just need to suck it up that they join. It feels too mean to say you can’t come. My feeling is they shouldn’t expect to come - but clearly they do so given that fact I think we prob just need to accept it

So my thought that the inlaws have no other family to see might be correct. They show up one year and want to do it again. If it's a suck it up on them joining just tell them not to book the stop and fly directly to the vacation destination. They clearly don't understand and need to know they are not welcome for any holiday gatherings at OP parents or when OP parents are present. This goes beyond local or non local.