How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe we can all agree on some terminology here.

invite: to extend an offer to attend
disinvite: to withdraw a previously given offer to attend
not invite: to withhold an offer to attend

And then there is a fourth thing that I'm not sure there is a word for, that people are proposing. I'll call it "anti-invite"

anti-invite: to affirmatively go out of your way to tell someone they are not welcome in advance

Seems like the right thing to do here is simply not invite. No need to talk to the ILs about it at all. (You're also a solid 8 months early in even thinking about this.)

OP, you were clear that the ILs didn't show up unannounced on a door step a few years ago. They let you know ahead of time that they planned on going. IF that happens this time, that is when you say something.

I think Seinfeld already did this back in the day. OP's parents basically did a "nonvite." They didn't invite the IL's to an occasion that the IL's wanted to attend. they should continue to nonvite and OP and her husband should push back on the "we are just going to be in your parent's STATE and thought we'd drop by." Practice the phrase, "Sorry, that's not going to work for us. Let's figure out something before or after Christmas."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are selfish and ridiculous. When you get married, families blend with each other. Your in-laws have the same rights as your parents as far as holidays, visiting, seeing grand children. You need to tell your immature parents to grow up.

Marriage doesn't mean your spouse's parents and your parents are family to each other now. Mine don't speak to each other unless they are in the same room which has been maybe a handful of times in 2 decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It's really important to me and my parents to spend dedicated time with the grandkids at the holidays. Since we don't go very often, would you please talk to your parents about respecting our limited time with my parents."

If it were my husband, I'd say "tell your parents to not even think about joining. It was weird last time."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are selfish and ridiculous. When you get married, families blend with each other. Your in-laws have the same rights as your parents as far as holidays, visiting, seeing grand children. You need to tell your immature parents to grow up.

No one has any rights except OP and her husband in this situation. Grandparents who start talking about their rights to grandchildren are freaky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are selfish and ridiculous. When you get married, families blend with each other. Your in-laws have the same rights as your parents as far as holidays, visiting, seeing grand children. You need to tell your immature parents to grow up.

Marriage doesn't mean your spouse's parents and your parents are family to each other now. Mine don't speak to each other unless they are in the same room which has been maybe a handful of times in 2 decades.

Then yours are dysfunctional. Holidays are a time to bring people together. OPs parents sound selfish to demand the other set of parents not be there. If they wanted to be that anti social, they should just visit at another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are selfish and ridiculous. When you get married, families blend with each other. Your in-laws have the same rights as your parents as far as holidays, visiting, seeing grand children. You need to tell your immature parents to grow up.

Marriage doesn't mean your spouse's parents and your parents are family to each other now. Mine don't speak to each other unless they are in the same room which has been maybe a handful of times in 2 decades.

Then yours are dysfunctional. Holidays are a time to bring people together. OPs parents sound selfish to demand the other set of parents not be there. If they wanted to be that anti social, they should just visit at another time.

But holidays are not a time to pressure people to host you when they don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are selfish and ridiculous. When you get married, families blend with each other. Your in-laws have the same rights as your parents as far as holidays, visiting, seeing grand children. You need to tell your immature parents to grow up.

Marriage doesn't mean your spouse's parents and your parents are family to each other now. Mine don't speak to each other unless they are in the same room which has been maybe a handful of times in 2 decades.

Then yours are dysfunctional. Holidays are a time to bring people together. OPs parents sound selfish to demand the other set of parents not be there. If they wanted to be that anti social, they should just visit at another time.

No one is entitled to invite themselves to other peoples house. What are you smoking?

[Anonymous]

Then why is OP now saying she intends to invite her in laws to her parents' house this year? Please keep up with the thread. Also, OP never actually said her in laws were not invited when they showed up one time several years ago. In fact, does everyone who claims the in laws were not invited believe that they broke into the OP's parents' house? No one can legally gain entrance into anyone else's house without being invited to do so, unless they have a valid warrant. And no one can stay in your house longer than you permit them to unless they have a legal right to reside on the premises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are selfish and ridiculous. When you get married, families blend with each other. Your in-laws have the same rights as your parents as far as holidays, visiting, seeing grand children. You need to tell your immature parents to grow up.

Marriage doesn't mean your spouse's parents and your parents are family to each other now. Mine don't speak to each other unless they are in the same room which has been maybe a handful of times in 2 decades.

Then yours are dysfunctional. Holidays are a time to bring people together. OPs parents sound selfish to demand the other set of parents not be there. If they wanted to be that anti social, they should just visit at another time.

You are wrong and rude. My parents and his parents are entirely different people, from different cultures, speak different languages and live life differently. They don’t dislike each other but wouldn’t cross paths otherwise or be friends naturally. I think that’s pretty typical of a multicultural society not dysfunctional. In social settings They’d greet each other and then each talk to their own side of the family. Its awkward and uncomfortable trying to juggle both sides for us. It’s ok to not want to host that every holiday. It’s ok to only want to see one side of the family at a time too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are selfish and ridiculous. When you get married, families blend with each other. Your in-laws have the same rights as your parents as far as holidays, visiting, seeing grand children. You need to tell your immature parents to grow up.

Marriage doesn't mean your spouse's parents and your parents are family to each other now. Mine don't speak to each other unless they are in the same room which has been maybe a handful of times in 2 decades.

Then yours are dysfunctional. Holidays are a time to bring people together. OPs parents sound selfish to demand the other set of parents not be there. If they wanted to be that anti social, they should just visit at another time.

You are wrong and rude. My parents and his parents are entirely different people, from different cultures, speak different languages and live life differently. They don’t dislike each other but wouldn’t cross paths otherwise or be friends naturally. I think that’s pretty typical of a multicultural society not dysfunctional. In social settings They’d greet each other and then each talk to their own side of the family. Its awkward and uncomfortable trying to juggle both sides for us. It’s ok to not want to host that every holiday. It’s ok to only want to see one side of the family at a time too.

Assuming OP posted this response--it is not clear that OP posted it--if different cultures and different languages are involved, then it becomes even more imperative that OP dispense with the passive aggressive behavior and TELL her in laws NOT TO VISIT HER PARENTS this Christmas. OPs husband cannot do that because of the cultural issues which OP for the first time highlights. More importantly, OP's husband cannot speak on behalf of HER parents.

To the PP who was offended when issues of possible ethnic or racial bias was raised previously, are you still sure about that?

[Anonymous]

I think you have two choices:

1. Host Christmas at your house and invite both sets of grandparents and whoever else you want to invite. They can make their choice to come or not.
2. Alternate Christmas each year and go to the grandparents. Stand firm that the other side is not to show up.

I much prefer option #1 but then again, my parents and ILs get along great and prefer to be together on holidays. But you have a different experience. In any case, you are the parents and you get to set the rules with the kids. These two options are both equally fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - they basically said we know you’re going to be in x state and so we’ve arranged to go on vaca from there after Xmas so we can come join you for Xmas and the day after.
I feel like I’m gonna have to talk to my parents and say we just need to suck it up that they join. It feels too mean to say you can’t come. My feeling is they shouldn’t expect to come - but clearly they do so given that fact I think we prob just need to accept it

I feel sorry for your parents in this scenario because they've been waiting their turn, so to speak. If it were me, I'd say something to the ILs like "This year we're going to spend Thanksgiving with you and Christmas with my parents, since we've spent the last few with you. That way we can have some nice one on one time with each set of grandparents. Next year we'll do the reverse. Are you available to do Christmas with the grandkids on the 22nd before we leave?" You can frame it as the way you want to approach holidays, not as anybody being dis-invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are selfish and ridiculous. When you get married, families blend with each other. Your in-laws have the same rights as your parents as far as holidays, visiting, seeing grand children. You need to tell your immature parents to grow up.

Marriage doesn't mean your spouse's parents and your parents are family to each other now. Mine don't speak to each other unless they are in the same room which has been maybe a handful of times in 2 decades.

Then yours are dysfunctional. Holidays are a time to bring people together. OPs parents sound selfish to demand the other set of parents not be there. If they wanted to be that anti social, they should just visit at another time.

You are wrong and rude. My parents and his parents are entirely different people, from different cultures, speak different languages and live life differently. They don’t dislike each other but wouldn’t cross paths otherwise or be friends naturally. I think that’s pretty typical of a multicultural society not dysfunctional. In social settings They’d greet each other and then each talk to their own side of the family. Its awkward and uncomfortable trying to juggle both sides for us. It’s ok to not want to host that every holiday. It’s ok to only want to see one side of the family at a time too.

Assuming OP posted this response--it is not clear that OP posted it--if different cultures and different languages are involved, then it becomes even more imperative that OP dispense with the passive aggressive behavior and TELL her in laws NOT TO VISIT HER PARENTS this Christmas. OPs husband cannot do that because of the cultural issues which OP for the first time highlights. More importantly, OP's husband cannot speak on behalf of HER parents.

To the PP who was offended when issues of possible ethnic or racial bias was raised previously, are you still sure about that?

Not OP. I was responding to the brat who said all families should spend every holiday together and if they don't, are dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are selfish and ridiculous. When you get married, families blend with each other. Your in-laws have the same rights as your parents as far as holidays, visiting, seeing grand children. You need to tell your immature parents to grow up.

Marriage doesn't mean your spouse's parents and your parents are family to each other now. Mine don't speak to each other unless they are in the same room which has been maybe a handful of times in 2 decades.

Then yours are dysfunctional. Holidays are a time to bring people together. OPs parents sound selfish to demand the other set of parents not be there. If they wanted to be that anti social, they should just visit at another time.

You are wrong and rude. My parents and his parents are entirely different people, from different cultures, speak different languages and live life differently. They don’t dislike each other but wouldn’t cross paths otherwise or be friends naturally. I think that’s pretty typical of a multicultural society not dysfunctional. In social settings They’d greet each other and then each talk to their own side of the family. Its awkward and uncomfortable trying to juggle both sides for us. It’s ok to not want to host that every holiday. It’s ok to only want to see one side of the family at a time too.

None of this matters. You're just justifying why you can't be bothered to have all your family -and they are all your family- together for a single day. It's weird. It's not "typical of a multicultural society" (my grandparents were immigrants). It's divisive.

Man, Americans really are selfish people. This becomes more vivid to me with every passing day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are selfish and ridiculous. When you get married, families blend with each other. Your in-laws have the same rights as your parents as far as holidays, visiting, seeing grand children. You need to tell your immature parents to grow up.

Marriage doesn't mean your spouse's parents and your parents are family to each other now. Mine don't speak to each other unless they are in the same room which has been maybe a handful of times in 2 decades.

Then yours are dysfunctional. Holidays are a time to bring people together. OPs parents sound selfish to demand the other set of parents not be there. If they wanted to be that anti social, they should just visit at another time.

You are wrong and rude. My parents and his parents are entirely different people, from different cultures, speak different languages and live life differently. They don’t dislike each other but wouldn’t cross paths otherwise or be friends naturally. I think that’s pretty typical of a multicultural society not dysfunctional. In social settings They’d greet each other and then each talk to their own side of the family. Its awkward and uncomfortable trying to juggle both sides for us. It’s ok to not want to host that every holiday. It’s ok to only want to see one side of the family at a time too.

None of this matters. You're just justifying why you can't be bothered to have all your family -and they are all your family- together for a single day. It's weird. It's not "typical of a multicultural society" (my grandparents were immigrants). It's divisive.

Man, Americans really are selfish people. This becomes more vivid to me with every passing day.

Both sets of grandparents socializing is not very common, and never has been. It's not the default in most other cultures, either.

My parents and my wife's parents have maybe interacted less than 20 times over 20 years of marriage. They live over 1,000 miles apart, as one major factor.