Reply to How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op - the question was never about disinviting anyone. They were never invited but they came anyway and assume they will do the same if we try to visit my parents again [/quote]

If that is what you anticipate, and your parents do not want uninvited guests to show up at Christmas, then it is entirely up to your parents to communicate that directly to the in laws, as the hosts, to the uninvited Christmas-crashers.  It is their house, their rules, their job to enforce their house rules.

Then they have been warned and if they show up anyway and are turned away at the door, they will know why.

Your parents need to be their own messengers of bsd Christmas tidings.  Not you, and certainly not your husband.  [/quote]

Wow, I would never, ever throw my parents or loved ones under the bus like that. ILs are not asking, they are imposing. They are in the wrong. If I knew my parents didn’t want a dynamic my ILs were creating, I would step up as a good daughter and run interference. I would invite them all to a joint family event at some other time, but make Christmas a special “turn” alternating years.[/quote]

It sounds like OP and her parents are the ones who have an axe to grind here.  They want to reject the in laws at Christmas but don't want to be blamed for it.  The OP and her parents are acting passive aggressively.  They  want the husband to reject his parents so he will be the bad guy.   This is not about the in laws behavior at all.   In fact, if this has happened before, and OP and her parents failed to mske it clear that the in laws were unwelcome by OPs parents on Christmas, the issue would have been resolved.  Instead, the in laws probably have no idea how OP and her parents feel.  Passive aggressive is a poor communications style.[/quote]

1) It's normal for each person in a marriage to take the lead in dealing with their own parents. It's fine to be "blamed" for upholding normal boundaries and good manners. The ILs will fuss and whine amd have hurt feelings, and it will be annoying, but that's not a reason to give in to their selfish behavior.

2) It 10000% is about the ILs' behavior, because if they didn't act so rude and entitled there would be no need to have a hard conversation about their behavior. OP and her parents are at fault for not being more clear, but the ILs should accept what OP tells them.

3) It's very unclear to me what the plan is for Christmas this year, whether it's at OP's house (in which case it's up to her to choose the invitees but her parents don't have to attend), or whether it's at her parents' house or some third location. If the parents are paying for or own the third location, then an invitation is not for OP to issue. It's rude to invite people to a place that isn't yours.[/quote]

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