How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas
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Anonymous
| My ILs are huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids. A few years ago we took the kids to visit my parents in a different state and the ILs found a way to ‘be there’ and join us. The last few christmases we spent with my ILs at our house and my parents did not join bc they live far away I think they just find it not that enjoyable to visit when they have to spend that much time w the ILs. My parents are now asking for one Christmas with us without the ILs… I’m not sure how to explain this to the ILs especially bc they will likely try and fly out to where we are with my parents and join unless expressly told not to. Dh is terrible at communicating and having difficult conversations with them - ultimately he will have to be the one to deal with this but I’d love some tips and thoughts before I even talk to him about my parents wishes.. |
Anonymous
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"It's really important to me and my parents to spend dedicated time with the grandkids at the holidays. Since we don't go very often, would you please talk to your parents about respecting our limited time with my parents."
If it were my husband, I'd say "tell your parents to not even think about joining. It was weird last time." |
Anonymous
| It’s your wish, right? To spend Xmas just with your parents? I would stop thinking of it as conveying your parents wishes and frame it as a desire you and dh have—assuming he is on board. And assuming it Is what you yourself want. |
Anonymous
| I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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Be proactive and set something up with them. Here are a few options to consider:
“We’re finding that the holidays can be overwhelming for us. We need our time to be focus on one set of grandparents at a time. So starting this year, we’re going to set up the following schedule: —“We’ll do Christmas at Sally’s parents’ house and then have you come to us at our house the second week to have a separate Christmas with the kids. Then the next year, we’ll do Christmas with you and have the delayed Christmas with Sally’s parents.” —“We’ll do Christmas with you at our house, and then the day after Christmas, you’ll leave and Sally’s parents will come visit. Then the next year we’ll reverse it.” The point is to tell them that they will get some time with you, whether it’s at your place or theirs AND that it might not always be on the exact Christmas Day, but that it will alternate. |
Anonymous
Don’t expect any interaction from your ILs again if you do this OP |
Anonymous
I think she was saying she’d tell her husband that and then he would relay it in a nicer way to his parents. |
Anonymous
OP is going to visit her parents. It’s not usual to bring your in-laws along on a trip like that. |
Anonymous
| Op - it’s definitely awkward that they came last time. We only see my parents at holidays unless they visit us bc they live too far to visit except when the kids have time off school and I think they see it as an invasion of their limited time to have to share. So they don’t come when we are with ils bc they see it as rude. But ils would not mind if they joined so they don’t see it as an issue for them to join us. It’s a matter of balancing different peoples perception of what is and is not appropriate that is hard |
Anonymous
Op and we didn’t bring them - they just… came too. They said it was on their way to their vacation which I guess it was - but they arranged their whole vacation to ‘coincide’. I just don’t know who is right in this scenario so hard to know how to deal |
Anonymous
No one is right. Or everyone is right. Whatever, it’s just different preferences. Their feelings likely will be hurt a bit but they will get over it. Just be polite and firm and tell them sooner rather than later so they can deal. It will be ok. Talk to your husband about being firm and clear. |
Anonymous
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You could just bite the bullet and talk to ILs directly. Tell them that you will be alternating Christmas with the grandparents. This year it will be with your parents, next year with them. Do not say where you will be spending Christmas. Say you haven’t decided where that will be (could be at your parents’ house, could be at yours, could be at a totally different location). Just say you don’t know so that they cannot rearrange their plans.
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Anonymous
Agree |
Anonymous
Why do you think they’d do it again? I wouldn’t say anything. I’d let them know whenever it comes up that you’re spending christmas with your parents. When they say “oh great we’ll just stop by on our way to xyz like we did last time!” Your husband says, “that Christmas was great, but we were hoping this Christmas could be just us and larla’s side of the family since we don’t usually get to spend Christmas with them”. They’ll be disappointed, but they’ll get over it. |