How to explain to Ils that parents don’t want to share Christmas

[Anonymous]

Your husband should tell them that you’re going to spend Christmas at your parents’s house. Then he needs to ask them directly: “I know that a few years ago, you managed to coincidentally be in the area when we did that. Are you thinking you will do that again? Because I need to be upfront and ask you not to do that again. We will set some time aside to spend with you because that’s important. But it won’t be when we are with Jane’s parents, and I need you to understand that.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

OP is going to visit her parents. It’s not usual to bring your in-laws along on a trip like that.

Op and we didn’t bring them - they just… came too. They said it was on their way to their vacation which I guess it was - but they arranged their whole vacation to ‘coincide’.
I just don’t know who is right in this scenario so hard to know how to deal

No one is right. Or everyone is right. Whatever, it’s just different preferences. Their feelings likely will be hurt a bit but they will get over it. Just be polite and firm and tell them sooner rather than later so they can deal. It will be ok. Talk to your husband about being firm and clear.

Ok no. Your ILs are wrong, very very wrong, to go somewhere they have not been invited! On Christmas FFS! They just randomly showed up? That is bizarre, intrusive boundary-trampling. It is not normal.

I would tell them you are going out of town and not say where.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

To deal with surprise uninvited house guests on Christmas? That seems cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be proactive and set something up with them. Here are a few options to consider:

“We’re finding that the holidays can be overwhelming for us. We need our time to be focus on one set of grandparents at a time. So starting this year, we’re going to set up the following schedule:

—“We’ll do Christmas at Sally’s parents’ house and then have you come to us at our house the second week to have a separate Christmas with the kids. Then the next year, we’ll do Christmas with you and have the delayed Christmas with Sally’s parents.”

—“We’ll do Christmas with you at our house, and then the day after Christmas, you’ll leave and Sally’s parents will come visit. Then the next year we’ll reverse it.”

The point is to tell them that they will get some time with you, whether it’s at your place or theirs AND that it might not always be on the exact Christmas Day, but that it will alternate.

What if they don't leave though?

They seem insane to me.

[Anonymous]

It’s Christmas. Where’s the love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s Christmas. Where’s the love?

Butting in where you aren't wanted is not love

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s Christmas. Where’s the love?

Butting in where you aren't wanted is not love

To be fair, sounds like the ILs were welcome last time. They’re just not welcome this time. I think even a slight hint that you want to spend it just your family should fix it, because it would be pretty rude of them to crash Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

[Anonymous]

“That won’t work. We’re keeping it small this year.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d tell my parents to deal. If they want a solo weekend, they come at a time that’s not Christmas.

+1

OP is going to visit her parents. It’s not usual to bring your in-laws along on a trip like that.

Op and we didn’t bring them - they just… came too. They said it was on their way to their vacation which I guess it was - but they arranged their whole vacation to ‘coincide’.
I just don’t know who is right in this scenario so hard to know how to deal

No one is right. Or everyone is right. Whatever, it’s just different preferences. Their feelings likely will be hurt a bit but they will get over it. Just be polite and firm and tell them sooner rather than later so they can deal. It will be ok. Talk to your husband about being firm and clear.

Ok no. Your ILs are wrong, very very wrong, to go somewhere they have not been invited! On Christmas FFS! They just randomly showed up? That is bizarre, intrusive boundary-trampling. It is not normal.

I would tell them you are going out of town and not say where.

+1. But think through the details. Tell them you and your parents are going on a Caribbean cruise for Christmas or spending Christmas at an island resort. They might not believe you if you say you’re spending Christmas alone. Depending on the age of your kids, they might let the cat out of the bag. Then go see your folks in Florida, or wherever they are. Or decide to spend Christmas in Aruba after all, and see if your in-laws show up there, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s your wish, right? To spend Xmas just with your parents? I would stop thinking of it as conveying your parents wishes and frame it as a desire you and dh have—assuming he is on board. And assuming it Is what you yourself want.

I’m confused about this too. What are your wishes? What does your husband want?

[Anonymous]

My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

[Anonymous]

Who invited themselves to a holiday celebration NIT at their house that they have to travel to. What did other members of your family think?