What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you read the book Hidden Valley Road? Spoiler alert--don't read this summary if you want to read the book. https://www.supersummary.com/hidden-valley-road/summary/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwmouZBhDSARIsALYcourmM9OlUjv7RwKJDMANAQvK9hC_cjIvv1TVsj06j3yq_9zJGCAvbEgaAiTQEALw_wcB&utm_content=144782650207&utm_term=hidden%20valley%20road%20summary&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=18307755797

It's a wonderful but truly horrifying read. It's about a family with 12 kids. Many end up seriously mentally ill. The mother tries desperately to get help for her kids and most of the therapists tell her her kids are sick because she was a "refrigerator" mother, cold and unloving. Except the truth is....she wasn't. The therapists reasoned backwards. All of these kids from the same family have serious mental health issues so they must have had a terrible mother. And of course, having all those kids meant none of them got enough attention. And they looked at all the evidence to frame it to support the conclusion that it was the mother's fault and due to the fact that there were just too many kids. And they did. They write these smug reports about how awful the mother is and how it is all her fault.

Their criticisms of her mothering lead her to go too far in trying to help them. Their problems lead to serious issues for the sane kids forced to live in the same family. They too blame their mother for the horrible childhoods they endured.

Eventually, after the mother's death, it is discovered that the mentally ill kids shared a defective gene and that was probably the cause of their mental illness.

Anyway...the book is a great description of how willing therapists can be to blame deficient parenting for serious mental health problems because they are implicitly biased to look for causes in early childhood and especially parenting.

Most parents do the best they can and they are only one of the many factors that influence their children's lives. Otherwise..it's all Adam and Eve's fault as each generation can blame the one before it.

But the mother should never have had 12 kids regardless of how great a parent she was. That’s too much for any parent to be able to handle.

Why do you blame only the mother? Surely you can also blame the father too

I just said mother bc that is who was referenced in the post I responded to. Of course I’d blame the father too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

I agree. Pointing the finger at your parents is easier than owning your own sh*t and healing your own heart. A therapist should heal not encourage resentment that festers. When young people become parents they usually get an appreciation of how hard it is to be a parent and they get a better perspective on their own parents. Sometimes they realize they owe their parents an apology for their behavior as a young person.

Or sometimes becoming a parent makes you realize what a poor job your parents did.

+1000. Becoming a parent made me a) realize how poor a job my parents did and b) resolve to do almost everything the opposite w my own kids. I had never thought that much about parenting before getting pregnant w my first. Before having kids I didn’t fully understand just how lacking my parents were and how strongly I felt about wanting to do so much better for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Some do.

Some parents cause more problems than they solve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Facts.

Not in this case OP forced her crap religious homeschool garbage on her kid he has a right to be pissed. His education was subpar not because of homeschooling because of her crap so called morals

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Facts.

Not in this case OP forced her crap religious homeschool garbage on her kid he has a right to be pissed. His education was subpar not because of homeschooling because of her crap so called morals

You sound like a bigot, hope you don’t have kids.

[Anonymous]

NP. I’ve been to several “family” sessions with DC. I always get the lion’s share of the blame, for several reasons.

One, XDH is a complete mess emotionally and financially (really, the stories are nuts but I don’t want to out him, he’s in enough trouble) so when his name comes up, DC and the therapist say “that’s too bad,” roll their eyes, and move on to me.

I was the parent who held things together, and so I wasn’t popular. XDH had ADHD among other issues. But worst is XDH didn’t want to do any hard parenting, including academically or consequences for a police violation.

I’ve had 1-2 of DC’s therapists tell them they were lucky to have me. But it always comes back to how awful I was (once I threw a shoe at a wall! When I smelled pot in my living room I complained about it!).

I’m over it. PP who said some therapists cause harm are right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

I agree. Pointing the finger at your parents is easier than owning your own sh*t and healing your own heart. A therapist should heal not encourage resentment that festers. When young people become parents they usually get an appreciation of how hard it is to be a parent and they get a better perspective on their own parents. Sometimes they realize they owe their parents an apology for their behavior as a young person.

Or sometimes becoming a parent makes you realize what a poor job your parents did.

+1000. Becoming a parent made me a) realize how poor a job my parents did and b) resolve to do almost everything the opposite w my own kids. I had never thought that much about parenting before getting pregnant w my first. Before having kids I didn’t fully understand just how lacking my parents were and how strongly I felt about wanting to do so much better for my kids.

This is a really bad approach. Your parents didn’t give you what you needed. But your child may need something totally different than you did. Maybe even the things your parents did. Each child needs something different— makes it very challenging when you have more than one kid. I encourage this Pp to not just do the “opposite” of her parents but to figure out what her child needs (not focus on what she needed as a child).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

I agree. Pointing the finger at your parents is easier than owning your own sh*t and healing your own heart. A therapist should heal not encourage resentment that festers. When young people become parents they usually get an appreciation of how hard it is to be a parent and they get a better perspective on their own parents. Sometimes they realize they owe their parents an apology for their behavior as a young person.

Or sometimes becoming a parent makes you realize what a poor job your parents did.

+1000. Becoming a parent made me a) realize how poor a job my parents did and b) resolve to do almost everything the opposite w my own kids. I had never thought that much about parenting before getting pregnant w my first. Before having kids I didn’t fully understand just how lacking my parents were and how strongly I felt about wanting to do so much better for my kids.

This is a really bad approach. Your parents didn’t give you what you needed. But your child may need something totally different than you did. Maybe even the things your parents did. Each child needs something different— makes it very challenging when you have more than one kid. I encourage this Pp to not just do the “opposite” of her parents but to figure out what her child needs (not focus on what she needed as a child).

That's a good point -- it sounds like the OP here did the opposite approach (she says she gave her kids the childhood she wanted) and look how it turned out with her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.

You dont think you are doing your child any harm but you might be. Do you really think your parents thought they were doing harm? Like Let's do x so you can tell their therapist how awful we were?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

I agree. Pointing the finger at your parents is easier than owning your own sh*t and healing your own heart. A therapist should heal not encourage resentment that festers. When young people become parents they usually get an appreciation of how hard it is to be a parent and they get a better perspective on their own parents. Sometimes they realize they owe their parents an apology for their behavior as a young person.

Or sometimes becoming a parent makes you realize what a poor job your parents did.

+1000. Becoming a parent made me a) realize how poor a job my parents did and b) resolve to do almost everything the opposite w my own kids. I had never thought that much about parenting before getting pregnant w my first. Before having kids I didn’t fully understand just how lacking my parents were and how strongly I felt about wanting to do so much better for my kids.

That's great, but you may overcorrect your parents errors and make some new mistakes, on your kids that your parents didn't. Parental mistakes are not intentional. Most parents try their best within their abilities and limitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I’ve been to several “family” sessions with DC. I always get the lion’s share of the blame, for several reasons.

One, XDH is a complete mess emotionally and financially (really, the stories are nuts but I don’t want to out him, he’s in enough trouble) so when his name comes up, DC and the therapist say “that’s too bad,” roll their eyes, and move on to me.

I was the parent who held things together, and so I wasn’t popular. XDH had ADHD among other issues. But worst is XDH didn’t want to do any hard parenting, including academically or consequences for a police violation.

I’ve had 1-2 of DC’s therapists tell them they were lucky to have me. But it always comes back to how awful I was (once I threw a shoe at a wall! When I smelled pot in my living room I complained about it!).

I’m over it. PP who said some therapists cause harm are right.

There are bad therapists, just like there are some bad parents. All are human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you read the book Hidden Valley Road? Spoiler alert--don't read this summary if you want to read the book. https://www.supersummary.com/hidden-valley-road/summary/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwmouZBhDSARIsALYcourmM9OlUjv7RwKJDMANAQvK9hC_cjIvv1TVsj06j3yq_9zJGCAvbEgaAiTQEALw_wcB&utm_content=144782650207&utm_term=hidden%20valley%20road%20summary&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=18307755797

It's a wonderful but truly horrifying read. It's about a family with 12 kids. Many end up seriously mentally ill. The mother tries desperately to get help for her kids and most of the therapists tell her her kids are sick because she was a "refrigerator" mother, cold and unloving. Except the truth is....she wasn't. The therapists reasoned backwards. All of these kids from the same family have serious mental health issues so they must have had a terrible mother. And of course, having all those kids meant none of them got enough attention. And they looked at all the evidence to frame it to support the conclusion that it was the mother's fault and due to the fact that there were just too many kids. And they did. They write these smug reports about how awful the mother is and how it is all her fault.

Their criticisms of her mothering lead her to go too far in trying to help them. Their problems lead to serious issues for the sane kids forced to live in the same family. They too blame their mother for the horrible childhoods they endured.

Eventually, after the mother's death, it is discovered that the mentally ill kids shared a defective gene and that was probably the cause of their mental illness.

Anyway...the book is a great description of how willing therapists can be to blame deficient parenting for serious mental health problems because they are implicitly biased to look for causes in early childhood and especially parenting.

Most parents do the best they can and they are only one of the many factors that influence their children's lives. Otherwise..it's all Adam and Eve's fault as each generation can blame the one before it.

i read that book twice and had a completely different takeaway. they had way too many children and the chaotic, abusive environment destroyed the kids -- the brothers fighting to the point of almost killing each other, raping their sisters, etc. while the parents ignored them. those incidents are all documented in the book. and at the end, the sane sister who saw signs of it in her own son, got him therapy and an interventional school and turned his life around I think proved that the parenting actually matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you read the book Hidden Valley Road? Spoiler alert--don't read this summary if you want to read the book. https://www.supersummary.com/hidden-valley-road/summary/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwmouZBhDSARIsALYcourmM9OlUjv7RwKJDMANAQvK9hC_cjIvv1TVsj06j3yq_9zJGCAvbEgaAiTQEALw_wcB&utm_content=144782650207&utm_term=hidden%20valley%20road%20summary&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=18307755797

It's a wonderful but truly horrifying read. It's about a family with 12 kids. Many end up seriously mentally ill. The mother tries desperately to get help for her kids and most of the therapists tell her her kids are sick because she was a "refrigerator" mother, cold and unloving. Except the truth is....she wasn't. The therapists reasoned backwards. All of these kids from the same family have serious mental health issues so they must have had a terrible mother. And of course, having all those kids meant none of them got enough attention. And they looked at all the evidence to frame it to support the conclusion that it was the mother's fault and due to the fact that there were just too many kids. And they did. They write these smug reports about how awful the mother is and how it is all her fault.

Their criticisms of her mothering lead her to go too far in trying to help them. Their problems lead to serious issues for the sane kids forced to live in the same family. They too blame their mother for the horrible childhoods they endured.

Eventually, after the mother's death, it is discovered that the mentally ill kids shared a defective gene and that was probably the cause of their mental illness.

Anyway...the book is a great description of how willing therapists can be to blame deficient parenting for serious mental health problems because they are implicitly biased to look for causes in early childhood and especially parenting.

Most parents do the best they can and they are only one of the many factors that influence their children's lives. Otherwise..it's all Adam and Eve's fault as each generation can blame the one before it.

But the mother should never have had 12 kids regardless of how great a parent she was. That’s too much for any parent to be able to handle.

Why do you blame only the mother? Surely you can also blame the father too

The first child was born in 1945. It was a different time. It was more common to have large families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most people in their 20s and 30s go through a sort of reckoning where they take an honest look at their parents’ parenting from a distance and come to terms with their parents’ strengths and weaknesses and how it affected their upbringing. I think most adults go through an angry stage where they process how their parents’ faults have harmed them. And I think as people continue to age, especially as they reach late 30s/40s they come to understand their parents aren't perfect and did their best.

Parents’ imperfections run the gamut though and some parents do terrible harm to their kids regardless of intention or best efforts. People can still recognize that their parents tried their best but could still choose to distance themselves from said parents if their behavior was abusive. But I think the majority of adult children eventually accept their parents faults and eventually move past them — letters like this can be the beginning of that acceptance.

Excellent post. I did not have a great childhood. My mom had undiagnosed mental illness and was verbally abusive/emotionally neglectful. Today I have a very healthy, positive relationship with her. I've been in therapy and I worked through the crap from my childhood. Humans are complicated. She did the best she could and also, she caused a lot of emotional damage. Both can be true. I've forgiven her for things in the past without ever addressing it with her.

I remember a therapy appointment after I'd seen a documentary about Pink. Cameras followed her on her tour and showed her balancing her tour and family. There was a part when her daughter told her she really wanted to go home and see her friends. Pink told her ok and she and her husband made arrangements for him and the daughter to go back home for a while. I thought it was a wonderful example of a healthy relationship...daughter could express herself, mom listened. My therapist smiled and said "it is wonderful, but also, her daughter could sit in a therapist's office one day and talk about how hard it was to be on the road with her mom and all the things she missed." Not to sound all Oprah, but it was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. Even under the best circumstances, parents do things that affect their kids. It's just part of parenting. As adults we have the responsibility of making the best with the hand we were dealt and letting go of things that hold us back or keep us from being the best version of ourselves. You can't just blame your parents forever.