Reply to What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

Forum Index » Adult Children

Reply to "What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet."

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.[/quote]

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. [b]He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off.[/b]  If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.[/quote]

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.[/quote]

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.[/quote]

No wonder he has issues. [b]You had one job[/b]: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.[/quote]

How do you know this?  She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.[/quote]

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.[/quote]

This is purely a 21st century thing.  I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and  all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids.  You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids.  Plus she had her own needs as well.  Moms/Dads are not robots. [/quote]

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.[/quote]

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.[/quote]

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them.[b] I'm confident[/b] any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.[/quote]

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you.  Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted[/quote]

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.[/quote]

This right here is bad parenting.  Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment.  That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.[/quote]

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.[/quote]

You dont think you are doing your child any harm but you might be.  Do you really think your parents thought they were doing harm?  Like Let's do x so you can tell their therapist how awful we were?[/quote]

Welp. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was abusive. They were also fun, cool and smart. They gave no thought to how they were raising me and my siblings. They were emotionally immature. Like a couple of pps, I had decades of therapy under my belt *before* I ventured to have kids. I assure you, my kids will not require therapy because of me or their father. We are almost to them reaching adulthood and they are 100% more well adjusted, secure and capable than I was at that age. I didn't reach their level of well being until my late 20's. Your kids will probably require therapy because you are a relentless harpy.[/quote]

Wow, you just shot yourself in the foot with that last comment. You can't be as well adjusted as all that!

You are a child of an alcoholic mother and an abusive father. NO WAY IN HELL that doesn't come out in your parenting,no matter how much personal progress you've made. The point is that your parents were just like you -- giving their kids the best parenting they had to offer. That's all we have to give at the end of the day. If you can't forgive your parents for their flaws, you still have a long way to go.[/quote]

The abuse and neglect I suffered affects my parenting in that I DO NOT abuse or neglect my children. The therapy I participated in helped improve my adult relationship with my parents, even though they never acknowledged how badly they hurt me. I am a good person and I am a great parent. My kids are individuals and have different needs and wants. I am sensitive to their feelings. They are safe, valued and cared for consistently. You may believe a damaged person can't heal and go on to be successful in life, but that is my experience. My kids will be successful, too, without having to struggle.[/quote]

My mother talked endlessly about her own abusive childhood and how she was "breaking the cycle" and "loving us unconditionally" and etc. She talked so much about what a great mom she was, and in spite of her own horrible upbringing, that I and my siblings believed her for a long time even though our experiences were not consistent with that.

In fact, my mother is mentally ill and abusive, and I am now being treated for PTSD as a consequence. She still believes she was a great mother, or at least "did the best she could," and that I am an ungrateful problem child! It's OK though, I do not speak to her.
[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics