I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

You know that very, very few adults actually enjoy playing Candyland or dolls, right? It’s not meant to entertain us or be fun for us. We do it for our kids.

It is unnecessary. My grandparents did not play with their kids nor were they expected to. Kids can play with other kids. Parents don’t need to do it. My parents did not either.

[Anonymous]

I feel similarly to you, OP. I have two mid elementary aged kids. I liked the baby stage well enough with one, but then my second came and she was colicky and screams through toddlerhood and it was just so hard. Now my kids speak to each other with venom and fight all the time and I hate living in a home with all this nastiness and negativity. I try to keep patient, model kindness, give them a chance to try again when they say something nasty and tell them continually “we don’t talk to each other like that”, but it’s awful. It triggers the hell out of me. We al need therapy but we don’t have the time or means and of course DH thinks therapy is shameful if we need it. Effing great times over here. My poor kids are going to be raised in a sad and stressed home just like I was and it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

You know that very, very few adults actually enjoy playing Candyland or dolls, right? It’s not meant to entertain us or be fun for us. We do it for our kids.

It is unnecessary. My grandparents did not play with their kids nor were they expected to. Kids can play with other kids. Parents don’t need to do it. My parents did not either.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

You know that very, very few adults actually enjoy playing Candyland or dolls, right? It’s not meant to entertain us or be fun for us. We do it for our kids.

It is unnecessary. My grandparents did not play with their kids nor were they expected to. Kids can play with other kids. Parents don’t need to do it. My parents did not either.

This.

+1. Even my mother, who is very much a mommy martyr in some ways, did not play with us regularly. It's fine not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Oh girl are you kidding me, I’d pop a bottle of champagne!!!! Look, do that $hit if you find it genuinely fulfilling but please don’t have any illusions that you’re doing the rest of us any favors!!

I would love it if every parent was like you. We could do away with all of this nonsense. But I love that you think the people doing the grunt work on all this crap find it “genuinely fulfilling” 😂

Another one for popping a bottle of champagne. I don't remember having all this stuff as a kid - and that was when there were plenty of SAHMs. School was school. If there was a field day, the gym teachers organized it and invited parents, not the other way round.

Really? How old are you and where did you grow up? "All this stuff" has been a fixture in the DMV for generations.

I grew up in Chevy Chase in the seventies and early eighties. It’s shocking to me how elaborate school has grown outside of class itself. I see some men participating, but it’s overwhelmingly still women who are expected to do all these elaborate things at school - despite the fact that most of us work full time now. It’s unnecessary, and I don’t understand why more women aren’t revolting.

I grew up around the same time as you, and have a daughter who is a full time working primary breadwinner and the excellent mother of two elementary school kids. She does none of this stuff and doesn't feel that she is "expected" to do any of it. On the other hand, she doesn't judge women who do. On the contrary, she's grateful to them because she is a "to each her own" kind of thinker. And, sure, some of these things may not be "necessary," but so are a lot of things in life.

There's nothing worse than old biddies who sit around judging the younger generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

You know that very, very few adults actually enjoy playing Candyland or dolls, right? It’s not meant to entertain us or be fun for us. We do it for our kids.

It is unnecessary. My grandparents did not play with their kids nor were they expected to. Kids can play with other kids. Parents don’t need to do it. My parents did not either.

This.

It depends on the definition of "unnecessary." Yes, it's true that you can raise your kids without "playing with them" and still end up with great kids who become great adults. On the other hand, based on the people I know (as well as my own family and my spouse's family) there does seem to be a correlation between being a truly giving and extending parent and having "nicer," more giving, less self-centered and more empathetic offspring. I mean, let's face it -- there are a lot of nasty, career-obsessed, and super competitive women on DCUM who really do consider themselves to be excellent mothers simply because they have the money to throw at every problem or issue. When it comes to parenting, time is more important than money.

I'm not saying women should become martyrs to motherhood. What I am saying is that the pendulum appears to have swung way too far in the opposite direction for many professional women. At least the ones on here who, instead of advising the OP on how to improve her situation, have instead seized yet another opportunity through this thread to bash actively involved mothers and defend their own choices as somehow better for the kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm asking out of genuine curiosity, no offense intended: OP, if you hate parenting, why did you have the second child? It seems like that only make things harder, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Nope, I’d be fine with that.

Your kid wouldn’t. And no, you don’t have some special Stepford child who wants no fun activities and nothing but grind at school, so don’t even try it.

No kid needs a halloween party with 4 different kinds of treats and 4 different Halloween activity stations like toilet paper mummy wrapping and pipe-cleaner tarantula spiders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

You know that very, very few adults actually enjoy playing Candyland or dolls, right? It’s not meant to entertain us or be fun for us. We do it for our kids.

It is unnecessary. My grandparents did not play with their kids nor were they expected to. Kids can play with other kids. Parents don’t need to do it. My parents did not either.

This.

It depends on the definition of "unnecessary." Yes, it's true that you can raise your kids without "playing with them" and still end up with great kids who become great adults. On the other hand, based on the people I know (as well as my own family and my spouse's family) there does seem to be a correlation between being a truly giving and extending parent and having "nicer," more giving, less self-centered and more empathetic offspring. I mean, let's face it -- there are a lot of nasty, career-obsessed, and super competitive women on DCUM who really do consider themselves to be excellent mothers simply because they have the money to throw at every problem or issue. When it comes to parenting, time is more important than money.

I'm not saying women should become martyrs to motherhood. What I am saying is that the pendulum appears to have swung way too far in the opposite direction for many professional women. At least the ones on here who, instead of advising the OP on how to improve her situation, have instead seized yet another opportunity through this thread to bash actively involved mothers and defend their own choices as somehow better for the kids.

My mom and my grandmother did not play with children.
They were stay at home moms.
Idea that a parent is expected to play with their children regardless of their working status is relatively new. Children are supposed to play with their peers—not their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm asking out of genuine curiosity, no offense intended: OP, if you hate parenting, why did you have the second child? It seems like that only make things harder, no?

Not OP, but Don’t ask stupid questions like that because it’s irrelevant. Could’ve been unplanned, it could’ve been she wanted a sibling for the child, it could’ve been the other parent wanted a child—none of it matters. For example I know somebody who had unexpected twins at 45; if she said that it was hard raising the kids the last thing I would say is well why did you have them? She didn’t plan to… just because you don’t plan them, doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to find it hard. Even bringing up the question of “why” is judgmental and not nice and irrelevant. It’s only done to make a person feel bad. Not a useful comment.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you do some things you want to do...with them? Like, get them involved too and do them together.

I don't particularly like board games and I don't usually get to volunteer at school because of my work schedule. But, me and dds' enjoy our Sunday church activities and we also enjoy a few other things.

I think a big problem here is the dh critisizing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

You know that very, very few adults actually enjoy playing Candyland or dolls, right? It’s not meant to entertain us or be fun for us. We do it for our kids.

It is unnecessary. My grandparents did not play with their kids nor were they expected to. Kids can play with other kids. Parents don’t need to do it. My parents did not either.

This.

It depends on the definition of "unnecessary." Yes, it's true that you can raise your kids without "playing with them" and still end up with great kids who become great adults. On the other hand, based on the people I know (as well as my own family and my spouse's family) there does seem to be a correlation between being a truly giving and extending parent and having "nicer," more giving, less self-centered and more empathetic offspring. I mean, let's face it -- there are a lot of nasty, career-obsessed, and super competitive women on DCUM who really do consider themselves to be excellent mothers simply because they have the money to throw at every problem or issue. When it comes to parenting, time is more important than money.

I'm not saying women should become martyrs to motherhood. What I am saying is that the pendulum appears to have swung way too far in the opposite direction for many professional women. At least the ones on here who, instead of advising the OP on how to improve her situation, have instead seized yet another opportunity through this thread to bash actively involved mothers and defend their own choices as somehow better for the kids.

My mom and my grandmother did not play with children.
They were stay at home moms.
Idea that a parent is expected to play with their children regardless of their working status is relatively new. Children are supposed to play with their peers—not their parents.

Well, my mother and grandmother did. Your personal experience as a child doesn't apply universally -- but it clearly has influenced what you think all parents should be doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

You know that very, very few adults actually enjoy playing Candyland or dolls, right? It’s not meant to entertain us or be fun for us. We do it for our kids.

It is unnecessary. My grandparents did not play with their kids nor were they expected to. Kids can play with other kids. Parents don’t need to do it. My parents did not either.

This.

It depends on the definition of "unnecessary." Yes, it's true that you can raise your kids without "playing with them" and still end up with great kids who become great adults. On the other hand, based on the people I know (as well as my own family and my spouse's family) there does seem to be a correlation between being a truly giving and extending parent and having "nicer," more giving, less self-centered and more empathetic offspring. I mean, let's face it -- there are a lot of nasty, career-obsessed, and super competitive women on DCUM who really do consider themselves to be excellent mothers simply because they have the money to throw at every problem or issue. When it comes to parenting, time is more important than money.

I'm not saying women should become martyrs to motherhood. What I am saying is that the pendulum appears to have swung way too far in the opposite direction for many professional women. At least the ones on here who, instead of advising the OP on how to improve her situation, have instead seized yet another opportunity through this thread to bash actively involved mothers and defend their own choices as somehow better for the kids.

My mom and my grandmother did not play with children.
They were stay at home moms.
Idea that a parent is expected to play with their children regardless of their working status is relatively new. Children are supposed to play with their peers—not their parents.

Well, my mother and grandmother did. Your personal experience as a child doesn't apply universally -- but it clearly has influenced what you think all parents should be doing.

NP. She didn't say what all parents should be doing. She showed her experience, just as you showed your experience.

The point is you can be an involved, loving, giving and extending parent without playing board games, make believe, or volunteering at school.

Kids need love, shelter, safety, food, and guidance. They do not need a stay at home parent who is their playmate for 12 hours a day. My childhood was idyllic and the most my parents played with me was them watching their shows in the evening while I took their food orders and brought my fake food to sit next to them. Or they "babysat" my dolls while I placed them next to them. Plus reading books pretty regularly (not every night for 20 minutes).

The rest of the time we entertained ourselves. The over involvement in parenting and becoming your child's playmate is fine if that's what you enjoy and can afford, but it's not required. So no guilt should be needed if a parent (usually mother) doesn't like being a playmate. There's nothing wrong with OP, and I'm sure she's a fine parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Oh girl are you kidding me, I’d pop a bottle of champagne!!!! Look, do that $hit if you find it genuinely fulfilling but please don’t have any illusions that you’re doing the rest of us any favors!!

I would love it if every parent was like you. We could do away with all of this nonsense. But I love that you think the people doing the grunt work on all this crap find it “genuinely fulfilling” 😂

Another one for popping a bottle of champagne. I don't remember having all this stuff as a kid - and that was when there were plenty of SAHMs. School was school. If there was a field day, the gym teachers organized it and invited parents, not the other way round.

Really? How old are you and where did you grow up? "All this stuff" has been a fixture in the DMV for generations.

I grew up in Chevy Chase in the seventies and early eighties. It’s shocking to me how elaborate school has grown outside of class itself. I see some men participating, but it’s overwhelmingly still women who are expected to do all these elaborate things at school - despite the fact that most of us work full time now. It’s unnecessary, and I don’t understand why more women aren’t revolting.

I grew up around the same time as you, and have a daughter who is a full time working primary breadwinner and the excellent mother of two elementary school kids. She does none of this stuff and doesn't feel that she is "expected" to do any of it. On the other hand, she doesn't judge women who do. On the contrary, she's grateful to them because she is a "to each her own" kind of thinker. And, sure, some of these things may not be "necessary," but so are a lot of things in life.

There's nothing worse than old biddies who sit around judging the younger generation.

Yes, also grew up in Bethesda area in the 80's. We did have some (less elaborate) fun events at school. I remember field trips, Halloween parade, Valentine's day party, field day, maybe a end-of-school party. But here's the thing: I remember NO PARENTS at any of these events. Not a single one, ever. I'm not sure it was even allowed.

It certainly seems odd to me now that "involvement in school" is now considered either (1) a "good mother" requirement, or (2) somehow necessary for schools to host any activities that are not a "grind" (in the words of a PP). This seriously just seems like the make-work of competitive parenting and/or fabricated grounds to again judge working mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Oh girl are you kidding me, I’d pop a bottle of champagne!!!! Look, do that $hit if you find it genuinely fulfilling but please don’t have any illusions that you’re doing the rest of us any favors!!

I would love it if every parent was like you. We could do away with all of this nonsense. But I love that you think the people doing the grunt work on all this crap find it “genuinely fulfilling” 😂

Another one for popping a bottle of champagne. I don't remember having all this stuff as a kid - and that was when there were plenty of SAHMs. School was school. If there was a field day, the gym teachers organized it and invited parents, not the other way round.

Really? How old are you and where did you grow up? "All this stuff" has been a fixture in the DMV for generations.

I grew up in Chevy Chase in the seventies and early eighties. It’s shocking to me how elaborate school has grown outside of class itself. I see some men participating, but it’s overwhelmingly still women who are expected to do all these elaborate things at school - despite the fact that most of us work full time now. It’s unnecessary, and I don’t understand why more women aren’t revolting.

I grew up around the same time as you, and have a daughter who is a full time working primary breadwinner and the excellent mother of two elementary school kids. She does none of this stuff and doesn't feel that she is "expected" to do any of it. On the other hand, she doesn't judge women who do. On the contrary, she's grateful to them because she is a "to each her own" kind of thinker. And, sure, some of these things may not be "necessary," but so are a lot of things in life.

There's nothing worse than old biddies who sit around judging the younger generation.

You’re clearly an old biddy who has no friends bc you’re judging your own generation so hard.