I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you feel guilty because American culture glorifies helicopter attachment blah blah parenting. I am the child of immigrants and my parents never played with me or chaperoned a field trip or even volunteered at the school and it was fine! I grew up to be successful career-wise and am married with a child. I am also super close to my parents. My mother loves shopping and some of my fondest memories are shopping with my mother, aunt and sister. Figure out an activity you enjoy and try and include your children and that's it.

Yes, exactly. And for all our progress, we still expect full time working moms to volunteer and play like they don't have a job. And also clean the house. LOL SOB.

So where is your spouse's insecurity about not doing enough helicopter parenting coming from? And why can't he do it then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another case of the feminist movement not providing the happiness it promised.

Haha! You are about to start a fire in here

which wave did not provide the happiness it promised?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you feel guilty because American culture glorifies helicopter attachment blah blah parenting. I am the child of immigrants and my parents never played with me or chaperoned a field trip or even volunteered at the school and it was fine! I grew up to be successful career-wise and am married with a child. I am also super close to my parents. My mother loves shopping and some of my fondest memories are shopping with my mother, aunt and sister. Figure out an activity you enjoy and try and include your children and that's it.

This. Sorry but a lot of the SAHM play with kids all day moms are creepy and it’s not even good for the kids. Your job isn’t to entertain your kids. Yes, it’s good to be around and know what’s going on in their lives, but playing with them offers little benefit at all.

[Anonymous]

thank you for sharing, OP. I don’t have any advice, but also have 2 kids who fight all the time, and I hate dealing with them. I should have listened to my instinct not to have kids. I fantasize about going back in time and making a different choice.

[Anonymous]

My first inclination is that your DH is being really hard on you. And you have more of a DH problem then a 'being a mother' problem. Like what? Mad at you for not liking board games or volunteering? You love your kids, that is the most important thing. As others have said, find what you enjoy doing with them, do that, and don't beat yourself up for not enjoying reading captain underpants for the 10th time.

And tell your DH you need to do marital therapy or something. And I'm not kidding. His harping on those things is making you feel like a failure which is likely making you resent all this stuff you don't love even more. If he was supportive and letting you find your own path, then you would likely be happier overall. This is a DH issue IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of women feel like you do. What was so surprising hanging out with the other SAHMs was how many of them function this way. There is an entire ecosystem of competitive Alpha women trying to get the socially Beta women to be caregivers for their kids -- but the Alphas still get the social credit. Take field day for example: the choice jobs which are high social credit and low effort or mentally interesting already went to the inner political circle before you even had a chance at the sign up.

That's real. I stopped volunteering for stuff through the PTA when I realized I would always be handed the least desirable job so that the group of women who all know each other and run everything could do something easier where they can socialize and take credit for things. I'd wind up hauling pumpkins off truck sin 90 degree heat for 3 hours while the women in charge would sit at a table in the shade and take money and chat with everyone. At first I thought it was luck of the draw but then realized it was a system and I decided to stop being the grunt labor for them. I don't even attend PTA meetings anymore. I have an only child and we're halfway through, I don't intend to remember these people's names in a few years (most don't even have kids in my child's grade so there is zero reason for me to kiss up to them or facilitate their desire to run the show here).

NP. We are at a private school so I don’t know how different or “political” the actual PTA stuff is at public, but at our school the lady in the shade handing out raffle tickets is usually the one who spent weeks or months planning the event, and every other school event, for free. If I have to haul pumpkins or run a game for a couple hours in the sun, I’ll pick that literally any day over having to do all that other shit. Bonus is that all the other parents apparently hate her guts for doing it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe my kids are older but once they got to be like 8 there was a lot less playing with them and more hanging out with moms with kids checking in. It became a lot of fun and the kids became better conversationalists. Sometimes all of us were together but there were really very few times it was just me and the children together. Maybe you are just tired of having a five-year-old. The time goes by quickly. Now I look at five-year-olds and just ooh and ahh at how cute they are. Was just volunteering at a swim meet and they were just so adorable. And I can enjoy them in bits and pieces rather than all day long.

[Anonymous]

Try to make as much money as possible and then hire a long term nanny who is very sweet and loving. That’s what I did lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another case of the feminist movement not providing the happiness it promised.

It's weird right? Like women can get jobs! Why are they still complaining? Men have been perfect for thousands of years! No improvement needed, amiright?

She’s not complaining. Her husband is.

[Anonymous]

"All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood" is a book published in 2014 (so pre-pandemic of course). I thought is was a great perspective. I can't remember all the details now and don't know if it will truly be helpful, but maybe??

Here's one review, other reviews out there as well to give you a sense of it:
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/02/books/review/all-joy-and-no-fun-by-jennifer-senior.html

[Anonymous]

Field day is awful and the absolute worst volunteer job. I did it once and never again. I volunteered by making copies. I don't like other peoples kids enough to volunteer when they're crazy like they are for parties and field day. Stop doing that kind of stuff seriously.

Try book fair? I love being cashier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing: I did all that stuff: volunteered, played board games, played pretend, played basketball at the local playground, got in the pool and played with them even though I didn't want to. I love my kids and they were always so happy that when I did all these things with them. But guess what. They don't remember any of it. Seriously. They have vague memories of it, but you could skip it all and they'd never know. As they got older, by their young teen years, I really just couldn't get into that freezing cold pool anymore, and now they believe I'm the mom who wouldn't get in the pool. I read them books every single night of their lives until they were 12 years old and they barely rememember it. It's really sad. Just be nice, caring, loving, give them what they need. Be home for them when they're teens. Take the pressure off yourself and tell your husband to shut up.

Disagree. I am sure they fo remember some things, and it certainly gave them a strong sense of comfort, love & happiness that was internalized as love.

[Anonymous]

Do something for yourself. Take a weekend trip solo or with a friend and let your DH handle the kids.

I do this with skiing (my DW hates it) and I'm immediately more relaxed and happy when I get back. I need my hobbies and me-time. DW gets the same - weekend trips with her mom or friend to NYC or a resort to just decompress.

Everyone needs to get away, especially if you WFH and around your family 24/7.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same. I am slightly younger than you with similar aged kids. I actually did not want kids. I can't stand parenting. It is as awful as I thought it would be. All work and very little joy. It is not "rewarding." If I was a father, I would love to have kids. Being the mother? Not so much.

I have always worked full-time. Dad did zero until I said we were getting a divorce.

I am happier divorced. My kids are actually doing better than I am after a divorce. I am still annoyed very angry--and coparenting with someone you can't stand is awful.

I had a marriage problem and a parenthood problem.

Your husband needs to stop being so hard on you. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of women feel like you do. What was so surprising hanging out with the other SAHMs was how many of them function this way. There is an entire ecosystem of competitive Alpha women trying to get the socially Beta women to be caregivers for their kids -- but the Alphas still get the social credit. Take field day for example: the choice jobs which are high social credit and low effort or mentally interesting already went to the inner political circle before you even had a chance at the sign up.

That's real. I stopped volunteering for stuff through the PTA when I realized I would always be handed the least desirable job so that the group of women who all know each other and run everything could do something easier where they can socialize and take credit for things. I'd wind up hauling pumpkins off truck sin 90 degree heat for 3 hours while the women in charge would sit at a table in the shade and take money and chat with everyone. At first I thought it was luck of the draw but then realized it was a system and I decided to stop being the grunt labor for them. I don't even attend PTA meetings anymore. I have an only child and we're halfway through, I don't intend to remember these people's names in a few years (most don't even have kids in my child's grade so there is zero reason for me to kiss up to them or facilitate their desire to run the show here).

NP. We are at a private school so I don’t know how different or “political” the actual PTA stuff is at public, but at our school the lady in the shade handing out raffle tickets is usually the one who spent weeks or months planning the event, and every other school event, for free. If I have to haul pumpkins or run a game for a couple hours in the sun, I’ll pick that literally any day over having to do all that other shit. Bonus is that all the other parents apparently hate her guts for doing it.

Maybe if she learned to delegate then she wouldn't have had to do that all by herself. What I've found is that a core group of 5 or so women do most of the PTA stuff no matter how often the rest of us volunteer or ask how we can help. Then we're finally told "you can help by hauling these pumpkins in 90 degree heat" which we do, because we want to contribute. And then the 5 women in charge complain about how no one helps (hi, what does it look like I'm doing over here with these pumpkins, learning to juggle?) and no one appreciates what they do (how would I know, you ignore my efforts to get involved except like three days before an event).

I go to PTA meetings, I attend and volunteer at events, I've offered to donate time and professional services to the the PTA -- they are non responsive and disinterested, and regularly can't remember my name even the 10th or 11th time we meet. They know each other and are friends, and would rather hold that clique together and martyr themselves to this cause than create a more inclusive PTA where more people actually pitch in and get involved.

And it's self-perpetuating because the more they behave this way, the more other parents just kind of give up on it and decide "you know what, I'm tired of trying to be involved and getting rebuffed, I will donate to the annual fundraiser and call it a day." Which then enables them to complain about how no one helps.

This is what happens when people with very limited management or organizing skills run things.