I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you possibly be suffering from depression OP?

And maybe that is causing you to feel the way you feel about parenting??

I would seek personal therapy in order to best deal w/this troublesome situation.

I wish you only the best! 🤗

Not OP. I hate when people say this could be depression. People can not enjoy parenting and not be depressed. I am not depressed: I do not like being a parent. I am a decade in, not depressed. My feelings have not changed. I do everything I am supposed to do—and no, I don’t enjoy it. Not depressed. These are my actual feelings. If moms were not expected to do it all now, maybe I would enjoy it more. I work and have kids and am too damn tired to enjoy it. That is ok. I do not care what judgey people think. My kids are happy, that is what matters. But it is not fun for me. I am exhausted.

DP. Sounds like depression to me too. Who spends time complaining about something g that is absolutely necessary? You have kids, you take care of them. It's that simple. No excuses, no complaints nothing. Do people go around complaing about brushing their teeth/ hair etc. I mean even those who complain about working complain about a specific job or aspect of their job. You don't complain about having to work - what's the alternative?

The day you had kids you choose to shut up and do what it takes to get them to 18 years of age. Just like you choose to work when you decided to live after the age of 18( before that age for some children). There are a few very wealthy who can choose to neither work nor parent, but that's a fantasy world for the rest of us.

Saying you hate parenting as a person who already has kids is like someone saying they hate living. What is the alternative? Sounds like depression.

That is not depression. You can hate your life but not be depressed. Depression makes it sound like something is wrong with your or it is temporary. Not enjoying being a parent was a way of life does not mean someone is depressed. It means they don't like being a parent. This is not a temporary condition (unless you are talking about temporary post partum depression--that is not this).

Grin and bear it and someday they will be grown up. That is the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like you are trying to fit yourself into a mold of what you think a mom should be, and it’s making you miserable (your husband isn’t helping). If you don’t like crafts and board games, don’t do it! There must be some things you like that your kids also like - they’re big enough to do some “grownup” things.

I am also a mom who doesn’t really enjoy doing crafts or pretend play. So I do other things instead. I read with the kids, we take lots of walks, we bake/cook together. My husband and I also each make sure to do one kid-free thing each week - he plays golf with his buddies, I go to see friends or go browse the thrift store or whatever else I want to do. It helps. A lot of parenthood can be a grind and it’s easy to start feeling ground down.

I agree with PP, but let’s be real - my kids don't love the things I love. If I had my way, we would have gone to the movies every weekend and spent the summers at the pool, and we would lay around reading books all the time. Instead there is SO MUCH SOCCER 😱 and an awful lot of video games, both of which I find tragically boring. Oh well, family means doing stuff you don’t like sometimes or taking an interest for the sake of togetherness. I’m not interested in everything some of my friends do either.

I mean, of course it’s not going to be 100 percent doing what OP wants. Nothing to do with kids - child free folks have to compromise in their relationships too, no? In my case (I’m the Pp) the stuff I dislike - sports, for instance - is where I have my husband step in. The reading, the walks, afternoons spent hanging out together in the backyard with sidewalk chalks and bubbles - he finds it tedious but that’s my jam. But it sounds like OP’s husband is prepared to criticize and offer his “helpful” feedback instead of step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you possibly be suffering from depression OP?

And maybe that is causing you to feel the way you feel about parenting??

I would seek personal therapy in order to best deal w/this troublesome situation.

I wish you only the best! 🤗

Not OP. I hate when people say this could be depression. People can not enjoy parenting and not be depressed. I am not depressed: I do not like being a parent. I am a decade in, not depressed. My feelings have not changed. I do everything I am supposed to do—and no, I don’t enjoy it. Not depressed. These are my actual feelings. If moms were not expected to do it all now, maybe I would enjoy it more. I work and have kids and am too damn tired to enjoy it. That is ok. I do not care what judgey people think. My kids are happy, that is what matters. But it is not fun for me. I am exhausted.

DP. Sounds like depression to me too. Who spends time complaining about something g that is absolutely necessary? You have kids, you take care of them. It's that simple. No excuses, no complaints nothing. Do people go around complaing about brushing their teeth/ hair etc. I mean even those who complain about working complain about a specific job or aspect of their job. You don't complain about having to work - what's the alternative?

The day you had kids you choose to shut up and do what it takes to get them to 18 years of age. Just like you choose to work when you decided to live after the age of 18( before that age for some children). There are a few very wealthy who can choose to neither work nor parent, but that's a fantasy world for the rest of us.

Saying you hate parenting as a person who already has kids is like someone saying they hate living. What is the alternative? Sounds like depression.

That is not depression. You can hate your life but not be depressed. Depression makes it sound like something is wrong with your or it is temporary. Not enjoying being a parent was a way of life does not mean someone is depressed. It means they don't like being a parent. This is not a temporary condition (unless you are talking about temporary post partum depression--that is not this).

Grin and bear it and someday they will be grown up. That is the light at the end of the tunnel.

.

OP, I am a parent who hates the parental situation I’ve been forced/manipulated into by my now exDH. I love my kids and enjoy doing things with them, but there are also great challenges in raising them which I hate. Literally every day of the last 15 years, I have disliked my life. That is not depression. That is being caught in a situation that is impacted negatively by a lot of factors outside my control. I try not to let this seep out to the kids, but I also don’t want to normalize the behavior I’m subject to. It’s tricky. I will be an empty-nester this year, and, truth be told, I am looking forward to getting myself back and having more control of my own life.

I have realized in the last 15 years, that US society is literally structured to suck free time and effort out of women for the “good” of children and men. It’s terrible, and I will never be happy about it. That is not “depression” speaking. That is revolt speaking. (And I mean that in two sense of the word revolt.) There is nothing wrong with hating a life that erases your self.

The real question is how to fix that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you possibly be suffering from depression OP?

And maybe that is causing you to feel the way you feel about parenting??

I would seek personal therapy in order to best deal w/this troublesome situation.

I wish you only the best! 🤗

Not OP. I hate when people say this could be depression. People can not enjoy parenting and not be depressed. I am not depressed: I do not like being a parent. I am a decade in, not depressed. My feelings have not changed. I do everything I am supposed to do—and no, I don’t enjoy it. Not depressed. These are my actual feelings. If moms were not expected to do it all now, maybe I would enjoy it more. I work and have kids and am too damn tired to enjoy it. That is ok. I do not care what judgey people think. My kids are happy, that is what matters. But it is not fun for me. I am exhausted.

DP. Sounds like depression to me too. Who spends time complaining about something g that is absolutely necessary? You have kids, you take care of them. It's that simple. No excuses, no complaints nothing. Do people go around complaing about brushing their teeth/ hair etc. I mean even those who complain about working complain about a specific job or aspect of their job. You don't complain about having to work - what's the alternative?

The day you had kids you choose to shut up and do what it takes to get them to 18 years of age. Just like you choose to work when you decided to live after the age of 18( before that age for some children). There are a few very wealthy who can choose to neither work nor parent, but that's a fantasy world for the rest of us.

Saying you hate parenting as a person who already has kids is like someone saying they hate living. What is the alternative? Sounds like depression.

That is not depression. You can hate your life but not be depressed. Depression makes it sound like something is wrong with your or it is temporary. Not enjoying being a parent was a way of life does not mean someone is depressed. It means they don't like being a parent. This is not a temporary condition (unless you are talking about temporary post partum depression--that is not this).

Grin and bear it and someday they will be grown up. That is the light at the end of the tunnel.

.

OP, I am a parent who hates the parental situation I’ve been forced/manipulated into by my now exDH. I love my kids and enjoy doing things with them, but there are also great challenges in raising them which I hate. Literally every day of the last 15 years, I have disliked my life. That is not depression. That is being caught in a situation that is impacted negatively by a lot of factors outside my control. I try not to let this seep out to the kids, but I also don’t want to normalize the behavior I’m subject to. It’s tricky. I will be an empty-nester this year, and, truth be told, I am looking forward to getting myself back and having more control of my own life.

I have realized in the last 15 years, that US society is literally structured to suck free time and effort out of women for the “good” of children and men. It’s terrible, and I will never be happy about it. That is not “depression” speaking. That is revolt speaking. (And I mean that in two sense of the word revolt.) There is nothing wrong with hating a life that erases your self.

The real question is how to fix that?

Why do you need to have a life that erases you? I’m a mom and I don’t have a life like that.

[Anonymous]

Can you divorce and give your DH full custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you possibly be suffering from depression OP?

And maybe that is causing you to feel the way you feel about parenting??

I would seek personal therapy in order to best deal w/this troublesome situation.

I wish you only the best! 🤗

Not OP. I hate when people say this could be depression. People can not enjoy parenting and not be depressed. I am not depressed: I do not like being a parent. I am a decade in, not depressed. My feelings have not changed. I do everything I am supposed to do—and no, I don’t enjoy it. Not depressed. These are my actual feelings. If moms were not expected to do it all now, maybe I would enjoy it more. I work and have kids and am too damn tired to enjoy it. That is ok. I do not care what judgey people think. My kids are happy, that is what matters. But it is not fun for me. I am exhausted.

DP. Sounds like depression to me too. Who spends time complaining about something g that is absolutely necessary? You have kids, you take care of them. It's that simple. No excuses, no complaints nothing. Do people go around complaing about brushing their teeth/ hair etc. I mean even those who complain about working complain about a specific job or aspect of their job. You don't complain about having to work - what's the alternative?

The day you had kids you choose to shut up and do what it takes to get them to 18 years of age. Just like you choose to work when you decided to live after the age of 18( before that age for some children). There are a few very wealthy who can choose to neither work nor parent, but that's a fantasy world for the rest of us.

Saying you hate parenting as a person who already has kids is like someone saying they hate living. What is the alternative? Sounds like depression.

That is not depression. You can hate your life but not be depressed. Depression makes it sound like something is wrong with your or it is temporary. Not enjoying being a parent was a way of life does not mean someone is depressed. It means they don't like being a parent. This is not a temporary condition (unless you are talking about temporary post partum depression--that is not this).

Grin and bear it and someday they will be grown up. That is the light at the end of the tunnel.

.

OP, I am a parent who hates the parental situation I’ve been forced/manipulated into by my now exDH. I love my kids and enjoy doing things with them, but there are also great challenges in raising them which I hate. Literally every day of the last 15 years, I have disliked my life. That is not depression. That is being caught in a situation that is impacted negatively by a lot of factors outside my control. I try not to let this seep out to the kids, but I also don’t want to normalize the behavior I’m subject to. It’s tricky. I will be an empty-nester this year, and, truth be told, I am looking forward to getting myself back and having more control of my own life.

I have realized in the last 15 years, that US society is literally structured to suck free time and effort out of women for the “good” of children and men. It’s terrible, and I will never be happy about it. That is not “depression” speaking. That is revolt speaking. (And I mean that in two sense of the word revolt.) There is nothing wrong with hating a life that erases your self.

The real question is how to fix that?

Assuming your kids are not in some terrible special needs situation, and are not monsters, you can probably find some joy in your situation if you open your heart to it. On top of that, if you are one of those parents who spends every second scheduling their children and catering to that schedule under some sense of obligations or competition, you are going to be unhappy. That PP above complaining about "SO MUCH SOCCER" probably could avoid that. Lots of parents spend so much time traveling to sporting events, music lessons, after school this-and-that, scheduling "play dates", etc. that the parents rightly feel bored as hell by that. But you don't have to do all that stuff to have happy, healthy, well adjusted and successful kids.

Assuming overscheduling is not an issue, the truth is that you have to fix your mindset, most likely. You have to get to a point of feeling less entitled, less resentful, less clinging to old wrongs or grudges, and more willing to find joy or interest in whatever you are doing. If you are constantly thinking about how you are not getting what you "deserve" in life, you probably need to fix the feeling of deserving things rather than focus on becoming more selfish.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure what the OP is saying? I am a mom who has a happy life - with or without my children. I am a married woman who has a happy life - with or without my DH. How is being married, or being a mom, or working, or staying at home, removes joy from your life? How does it erase who you are?

[Anonymous]

Op, thank you for being brave enough to say what many mothers feel.

I too dislike being a parent, and my kids are adults. I think I liked it more when they were young but realizing as they get older that they are still needy, unappreciative, and the job never ends, is how I came to the realization that I don't like the job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you possibly be suffering from depression OP?

And maybe that is causing you to feel the way you feel about parenting??

I would seek personal therapy in order to best deal w/this troublesome situation.

I wish you only the best! 🤗

Not OP. I hate when people say this could be depression. People can not enjoy parenting and not be depressed. I am not depressed: I do not like being a parent. I am a decade in, not depressed. My feelings have not changed. I do everything I am supposed to do—and no, I don’t enjoy it. Not depressed. These are my actual feelings. If moms were not expected to do it all now, maybe I would enjoy it more. I work and have kids and am too damn tired to enjoy it. That is ok. I do not care what judgey people think. My kids are happy, that is what matters. But it is not fun for me. I am exhausted.

DP. Sounds like depression to me too. Who spends time complaining about something g that is absolutely necessary? You have kids, you take care of them. It's that simple. No excuses, no complaints nothing. Do people go around complaing about brushing their teeth/ hair etc. I mean even those who complain about working complain about a specific job or aspect of their job. You don't complain about having to work - what's the alternative?

The day you had kids you choose to shut up and do what it takes to get them to 18 years of age. Just like you choose to work when you decided to live after the age of 18( before that age for some children). There are a few very wealthy who can choose to neither work nor parent, but that's a fantasy world for the rest of us.

Saying you hate parenting as a person who already has kids is like someone saying they hate living. What is the alternative? Sounds like depression.

That is not depression. You can hate your life but not be depressed. Depression makes it sound like something is wrong with your or it is temporary. Not enjoying being a parent was a way of life does not mean someone is depressed. It means they don't like being a parent. This is not a temporary condition (unless you are talking about temporary post partum depression--that is not this).

Grin and bear it and someday they will be grown up. That is the light at the end of the tunnel.

.

OP, I am a parent who hates the parental situation I’ve been forced/manipulated into by my now exDH. I love my kids and enjoy doing things with them, but there are also great challenges in raising them which I hate. Literally every day of the last 15 years, I have disliked my life. That is not depression. That is being caught in a situation that is impacted negatively by a lot of factors outside my control. I try not to let this seep out to the kids, but I also don’t want to normalize the behavior I’m subject to. It’s tricky. I will be an empty-nester this year, and, truth be told, I am looking forward to getting myself back and having more control of my own life.

I have realized in the last 15 years, that US society is literally structured to suck free time and effort out of women for the “good” of children and men. It’s terrible, and I will never be happy about it. That is not “depression” speaking. That is revolt speaking. (And I mean that in two sense of the word revolt.) There is nothing wrong with hating a life that erases your self.

The real question is how to fix that?

Assuming your kids are not in some terrible special needs situation, and are not monsters, you can probably find some joy in your situation if you open your heart to it. On top of that, if you are one of those parents who spends every second scheduling their children and catering to that schedule under some sense of obligations or competition, you are going to be unhappy. That PP above complaining about "SO MUCH SOCCER" probably could avoid that. Lots of parents spend so much time traveling to sporting events, music lessons, after school this-and-that, scheduling "play dates", etc. that the parents rightly feel bored as hell by that. But you don't have to do all that stuff to have happy, healthy, well adjusted and successful kids.

Assuming overscheduling is not an issue, the truth is that you have to fix your mindset, most likely. You have to get to a point of feeling less entitled, less resentful, less clinging to old wrongs or grudges, and more willing to find joy or interest in whatever you are doing. If you are constantly thinking about how you are not getting what you "deserve" in life, you probably need to fix the feeling of deserving things rather than focus on becoming more selfish.

I don't need to fix anything. My kids have great lives. I will be happier when they are grown and have my life back. It's been like this for 10 years. It is not temporary. I've accepted it. The demands on moms and working full time is a crappy way to live. This is not just a me thing. This is a larger social problem that people don;t want to recognize. And instead of recognizing that is too much to ask a woman to make six figures and be the default parent is no way to live. Calling women depressed who are speaking up for being asked to work 2 full time jobs is messed up. It is what it is. I don't need a mindset change. Men need to either step up and do 50/50 for be prepared to support women who do all the work taking care of kids while sidetracking their own earning potential. It's not depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, thank you for being brave enough to say what many mothers feel.

I too dislike being a parent, and my kids are adults. I think I liked it more when they were young but realizing as they get older that they are still needy, unappreciative, and the job never ends, is how I came to the realization that I don't like the job.

This. It is just not worth it. I have women in my family who feel the same once the kids are grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing: I did all that stuff: volunteered, played board games, played pretend, played basketball at the local playground, got in the pool and played with them even though I didn't want to. I love my kids and they were always so happy that when I did all these things with them. But guess what. They don't remember any of it. Seriously. They have vague memories of it, but you could skip it all and they'd never know. As they got older, by their young teen years, I really just couldn't get into that freezing cold pool anymore, and now they believe I'm the mom who wouldn't get in the pool. I read them books every single night of their lives until they were 12 years old and they barely rememember it. It's really sad. Just be nice, caring, loving, give them what they need. Be home for them when they're teens. Take the pressure off yourself and tell your husband to shut up.

This. They remember not much of anything. And 100% on the pool thing. I hate going into a cold pool and did for years. Guess what? Stopped when they were early teens and I, too, am the mom who never, ever got into the pool with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure what the OP is saying? I am a mom who has a happy life - with or without my children. I am a married woman who has a happy life - with or without my DH. How is being married, or being a mom, or working, or staying at home, removes joy from your life? How does it erase who you are?

You know that people are all different and feel different things, right?

[Anonymous]

Regardless if OP is male or female, they need to take a long mental health break away and consider separating and giving the other parent full custody. op can do a dinner a week and be their best selves then with the children.
Keep it simple Op.

[Anonymous]

Omg this thread. I now understand why there are so many terrible kids…they have awful parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg this thread. I now understand why there are so many terrible kids…they have awful parents

That’s a ridiculous statement. Just because people don’t enjoy having kids does not mean their kids are awful in fact they’re probably over sacrificer‘s and the kids are absolutely perfect and then inside they’re dying.