I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

Something to look into - inattentive ADHD. It can make it harder to tolerate the boring parts of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thank you for sharing, OP. I don’t have any advice, but also have 2 kids who fight all the time, and I hate dealing with them. I should have listened to my instinct not to have kids. I fantasize about going back in time and making a different choice.

I am childfree because I can see this being my reality, even though I'm a teacher and like kids. OP, there is a reddit community called regretfulparents where people share stories and advice.

[Anonymous]

I love my ES-age kids with all my heart and yearn for a life where I have the energy, patience, and desire to be the mom I think I should be. Instead I am also wrapped up in bitterness, jealousy, resentment, anger. Can't let go of how much of myself I have given up, the conflicting emotions I feel of wanting to have more time to myself yet feeling guilty about not playing more with my kids, planning more with them, being more involved in their lives. The other week I mentioned that it was very hard to go back to work after a short maternity leave with my first baby, who wouldn't take formula, when I had a long commute, and I really felt for women who only had a six week maternity leave. My DH looked at me blankly and said "20 minutes isn't a long commute and 16 weeks is a long maternity leave". He didn't even remember that I worked downtown and had a 10 week maternity leave after our first baby! I was flabbergasted. It was the hardest time of my life. It feels like motherhood has been 10 years of compounding burnout for me, and yet DHs focus seems to be that my stress over this causes him more stress. I dream about leaving him a list of clothing sizes and shoe sizes and just walking away. Yet this fantasy gives me to pleasure, only more guilt and bad feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

You know that very, very few adults actually enjoy playing Candyland or dolls, right? It’s not meant to entertain us or be fun for us. We do it for our kids.

It is unnecessary. My grandparents did not play with their kids nor were they expected to. Kids can play with other kids. Parents don’t need to do it. My parents did not either.

This.

It depends on the definition of "unnecessary." Yes, it's true that you can raise your kids without "playing with them" and still end up with great kids who become great adults. On the other hand, based on the people I know (as well as my own family and my spouse's family) there does seem to be a correlation between being a truly giving and extending parent and having "nicer," more giving, less self-centered and more empathetic offspring. I mean, let's face it -- there are a lot of nasty, career-obsessed, and super competitive women on DCUM who really do consider themselves to be excellent mothers simply because they have the money to throw at every problem or issue. When it comes to parenting, time is more important than money.

I'm not saying women should become martyrs to motherhood. What I am saying is that the pendulum appears to have swung way too far in the opposite direction for many professional women. At least the ones on here who, instead of advising the OP on how to improve her situation, have instead seized yet another opportunity through this thread to bash actively involved mothers and defend their own choices as somehow better for the kids.

My mom and my grandmother did not play with children.
They were stay at home moms.
Idea that a parent is expected to play with their children regardless of their working status is relatively new. Children are supposed to play with their peers—not their parents.

Well, my mother and grandmother did. Your personal experience as a child doesn't apply universally -- but it clearly has influenced what you think all parents should be doing.

I think the broader point PP was making is that prior generations had different ideas about what made a good mother. This is true for centuries. Wet nurses used to be a thing. Then formula feeding. Then exclusive breast-feeding and attachment parenting. Parenting is largely cultural, and those people passing judgement on what is necessary to be a good parent are really just Karens policing their peers who have different views on what it is to be a good parent.

Karens, if you like participating at school or playing with your kids - more power to you and carry on! But, don’t pretend it’s necessary or you’re doing the rest of us a favor or you’re good parents and those who choose differently are not.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you for all of the replies. Sorry I couldn't respond earlier, for some reason I can't access DCUM unless I'm on a computer/laptop.

As for why I had a second child....well, I was on leave with my first for many years. I loved that time with my oldest. I did so many things with them and really embraced parenting. Then, I went back part time and had a miscarriage. That experience alone was really hard but it made me feel sad that my oldest wouldn't have a sibling. So had a second but I transitioned to full time work after they were born.

These feelings of regret (perhaps too harsh a word) are relatively new. I do think pandemic parenting was super hard on me. I barely could keep my head above water with work and dealing with a pre-reader, sitting for all of their zoom sessions made me feel crazy. And interestingly, DH was (and still is) home 24/7. All of the sudden, all of the parenting things that I did (activities, shuttling the kids around, play dates, playing) were now being kind of picked apart by DH. He has ever the ready criticism on how things could be different or how I should have scheduled things differently. So I think I started to resent it and took a back seat. Let him figure it out for a while.

Now with no return to the office for him, he has firmly slid into the role of "all things parenting" and volunteers A LOT for various things for the kids. I still do some stuff but not as much anymore. I do try to incorporate the kids in activities I enjoy - cooking, hiking, walking, crafts. But he spends a lot of time at their school and insists they have very full schedules of activities (I prefer them to be less scheduled).

All of this is to say that DH sees what he does for the kids and thinks I need to do the same. I don't have the same flexible schedule as he does. I don't WANT to organize projects for their classes. I still manage to get to their schools for some stuff but apparently, it's not enough.

Of course I haven't said this to DH or the kids. I have told DH that it isn't fair for him to characterize my time with the kids as "not enough". I don't know if he heard that message though.

[Anonymous]

I HATE board games. So I don't do that with my kids. Take them with you to get coffee (something else for the kids!), take them for a jog, walk the dog with them, wash the car with them. Go on a vacation with them. Have them help you make dinner. Have them participate with cleaning. Make them part of YOUR life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for all of the replies. Sorry I couldn't respond earlier, for some reason I can't access DCUM unless I'm on a computer/laptop.

As for why I had a second child....well, I was on leave with my first for many years. I loved that time with my oldest. I did so many things with them and really embraced parenting. Then, I went back part time and had a miscarriage. That experience alone was really hard but it made me feel sad that my oldest wouldn't have a sibling. So had a second but I transitioned to full time work after they were born.

These feelings of regret (perhaps too harsh a word) are relatively new. I do think pandemic parenting was super hard on me. I barely could keep my head above water with work and dealing with a pre-reader, sitting for all of their zoom sessions made me feel crazy. And interestingly, DH was (and still is) home 24/7. All of the sudden, all of the parenting things that I did (activities, shuttling the kids around, play dates, playing) were now being kind of picked apart by DH. He has ever the ready criticism on how things could be different or how I should have scheduled things differently. So I think I started to resent it and took a back seat. Let him figure it out for a while.

Now with no return to the office for him, he has firmly slid into the role of "all things parenting" and volunteers A LOT for various things for the kids. I still do some stuff but not as much anymore. I do try to incorporate the kids in activities I enjoy - cooking, hiking, walking, crafts. But he spends a lot of time at their school and insists they have very full schedules of activities (I prefer them to be less scheduled).

All of this is to say that DH sees what he does for the kids and thinks I need to do the same. I don't have the same flexible schedule as he does. I don't WANT to organize projects for their classes. I still manage to get to their schools for some stuff but apparently, it's not enough.

Of course I haven't said this to DH or the kids. I have told DH that it isn't fair for him to characterize my time with the kids as "not enough". I don't know if he heard that message though.

I'm glad you checked back in OP. I always find it useful to put my thoughts down.

Pandemic parenting, yes, so hard. Especially with younger kids. I'm sure virtual learning was really difficult with a kid that young.

In my experience, so much of marriage is just communicating our feelings in a judgement-free space. Right now you don't feel like you have that space, obviously. So my advice is to find your deepest wells of curiosity and compassion for DH. How is HIS stress manifesting as criticism of you? If you can see it as a manifestation of his deeper issues, it might help you discuss it with him in a more productive way. As your spouse, he should be really concerned to hear that you feel like he's saying you're not good enough. If you can walk him through what it would mean for your work life to do what he's doing at school, maybe he will realize that his feelings are based on unfounded embarrassment or fears the other PTA parents are judging you, and him by extension, or whatever.

When I have a marital issue that is bad but not, you know, divorce-worthy, I try to reset things by doing the thing I wish my spouse were doing. So in this case I think I'd praise him specifically for the things he's doing with the kids. Just put that positive energy out there and see if it inspires him to notice the ways that you absolutely are rocking motherhood. Somebody has to be the one to stop the bad cycle. Of course, this may not work, but I figure a little extra positivity can't hurt either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

You know that very, very few adults actually enjoy playing Candyland or dolls, right? It’s not meant to entertain us or be fun for us. We do it for our kids.

It is unnecessary. My grandparents did not play with their kids nor were they expected to. Kids can play with other kids. Parents don’t need to do it. My parents did not either.

This.

It depends on the definition of "unnecessary." Yes, it's true that you can raise your kids without "playing with them" and still end up with great kids who become great adults. On the other hand, based on the people I know (as well as my own family and my spouse's family) there does seem to be a correlation between being a truly giving and extending parent and having "nicer," more giving, less self-centered and more empathetic offspring. I mean, let's face it -- there are a lot of nasty, career-obsessed, and super competitive women on DCUM who really do consider themselves to be excellent mothers simply because they have the money to throw at every problem or issue. When it comes to parenting, time is more important than money.

I'm not saying women should become martyrs to motherhood. What I am saying is that the pendulum appears to have swung way too far in the opposite direction for many professional women. At least the ones on here who, instead of advising the OP on how to improve her situation, have instead seized yet another opportunity through this thread to bash actively involved mothers and defend their own choices as somehow better for the kids.

Cool beans. Let me know when you apply the same standard of parenthood to men.

[Anonymous]

Do you think DH understands how much his micromanaging/judgment is eroding your enjoyment of parenting? The thing about parenting is that there is not one right way. To me this sounds more like a relationship issue that is affecting your parenting rather than the other way around. I notice that you say that for most of your kids' lives you have enjoyed parenting-I definitely think you can get back to that good place.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly why I chose not to have kids. I'm so glad I ignored the years of pressure from parents, in-laws, friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for all of the replies. Sorry I couldn't respond earlier, for some reason I can't access DCUM unless I'm on a computer/laptop.

As for why I had a second child....well, I was on leave with my first for many years. I loved that time with my oldest. I did so many things with them and really embraced parenting. Then, I went back part time and had a miscarriage. That experience alone was really hard but it made me feel sad that my oldest wouldn't have a sibling. So had a second but I transitioned to full time work after they were born.

These feelings of regret (perhaps too harsh a word) are relatively new. I do think pandemic parenting was super hard on me. I barely could keep my head above water with work and dealing with a pre-reader, sitting for all of their zoom sessions made me feel crazy. And interestingly, DH was (and still is) home 24/7. All of the sudden, all of the parenting things that I did (activities, shuttling the kids around, play dates, playing) were now being kind of picked apart by DH. He has ever the ready criticism on how things could be different or how I should have scheduled things differently. So I think I started to resent it and took a back seat. Let him figure it out for a while.

Now with no return to the office for him, he has firmly slid into the role of "all things parenting" and volunteers A LOT for various things for the kids. I still do some stuff but not as much anymore. I do try to incorporate the kids in activities I enjoy - cooking, hiking, walking, crafts. But he spends a lot of time at their school and insists they have very full schedules of activities (I prefer them to be less scheduled).

All of this is to say that DH sees what he does for the kids and thinks I need to do the same. I don't have the same flexible schedule as he does. I don't WANT to organize projects for their classes. I still manage to get to their schools for some stuff but apparently, it's not enough.

Of course I haven't said this to DH or the kids. I have told DH that it isn't fair for him to characterize my time with the kids as "not enough". I don't know if he heard that message though.

As a CFBC woman, I find women who deliberately choose to have children and then complain about them to be truly hilarious.

[Anonymous]

I'm a PP and I said this in my post-I think this is a dh problem!

I think the way he is treating you is making you feel like you don't like parenting-when what it is, is-you parent just fine (you listed things you do and enjoy with your kids) but it's not 'his' way and he lets you know that constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for all of the replies. Sorry I couldn't respond earlier, for some reason I can't access DCUM unless I'm on a computer/laptop.

As for why I had a second child....well, I was on leave with my first for many years. I loved that time with my oldest. I did so many things with them and really embraced parenting. Then, I went back part time and had a miscarriage. That experience alone was really hard but it made me feel sad that my oldest wouldn't have a sibling. So had a second but I transitioned to full time work after they were born.

These feelings of regret (perhaps too harsh a word) are relatively new. I do think pandemic parenting was super hard on me. I barely could keep my head above water with work and dealing with a pre-reader, sitting for all of their zoom sessions made me feel crazy. And interestingly, DH was (and still is) home 24/7. All of the sudden, all of the parenting things that I did (activities, shuttling the kids around, play dates, playing) were now being kind of picked apart by DH. He has ever the ready criticism on how things could be different or how I should have scheduled things differently. So I think I started to resent it and took a back seat. Let him figure it out for a while.

Now with no return to the office for him, he has firmly slid into the role of "all things parenting" and volunteers A LOT for various things for the kids. I still do some stuff but not as much anymore. I do try to incorporate the kids in activities I enjoy - cooking, hiking, walking, crafts. But he spends a lot of time at their school and insists they have very full schedules of activities (I prefer them to be less scheduled).

All of this is to say that DH sees what he does for the kids and thinks I need to do the same. I don't have the same flexible schedule as he does. I don't WANT to organize projects for their classes. I still manage to get to their schools for some stuff but apparently, it's not enough.

Of course I haven't said this to DH or the kids. I have told DH that it isn't fair for him to characterize my time with the kids as "not enough". I don't know if he heard that message though.

I'm glad you checked back in OP. I always find it useful to put my thoughts down.

Pandemic parenting, yes, so hard. Especially with younger kids. I'm sure virtual learning was really difficult with a kid that young.

In my experience, so much of marriage is just communicating our feelings in a judgement-free space. Right now you don't feel like you have that space, obviously. So my advice is to find your deepest wells of curiosity and compassion for DH. How is HIS stress manifesting as criticism of you? If you can see it as a manifestation of his deeper issues, it might help you discuss it with him in a more productive way. As your spouse, he should be really concerned to hear that you feel like he's saying you're not good enough. If you can walk him through what it would mean for your work life to do what he's doing at school, maybe he will realize that his feelings are based on unfounded embarrassment or fears the other PTA parents are judging you, and him by extension, or whatever.

When I have a marital issue that is bad but not, you know, divorce-worthy, I try to reset things by doing the thing I wish my spouse were doing. So in this case I think I'd praise him specifically for the things he's doing with the kids. Just put that positive energy out there and see if it inspires him to notice the ways that you absolutely are rocking motherhood. Somebody has to be the one to stop the bad cycle. Of course, this may not work, but I figure a little extra positivity can't hurt either.

NP. Parenting with virtual school for kindergarten and younger is one of the circles of hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for all of the replies. Sorry I couldn't respond earlier, for some reason I can't access DCUM unless I'm on a computer/laptop.

As for why I had a second child....well, I was on leave with my first for many years. I loved that time with my oldest. I did so many things with them and really embraced parenting. Then, I went back part time and had a miscarriage. That experience alone was really hard but it made me feel sad that my oldest wouldn't have a sibling. So had a second but I transitioned to full time work after they were born.

These feelings of regret (perhaps too harsh a word) are relatively new. I do think pandemic parenting was super hard on me. I barely could keep my head above water with work and dealing with a pre-reader, sitting for all of their zoom sessions made me feel crazy. And interestingly, DH was (and still is) home 24/7. All of the sudden, all of the parenting things that I did (activities, shuttling the kids around, play dates, playing) were now being kind of picked apart by DH. He has ever the ready criticism on how things could be different or how I should have scheduled things differently. So I think I started to resent it and took a back seat. Let him figure it out for a while.

Now with no return to the office for him, he has firmly slid into the role of "all things parenting" and volunteers A LOT for various things for the kids. I still do some stuff but not as much anymore. I do try to incorporate the kids in activities I enjoy - cooking, hiking, walking, crafts. But he spends a lot of time at their school and insists they have very full schedules of activities (I prefer them to be less scheduled).

All of this is to say that DH sees what he does for the kids and thinks I need to do the same. I don't have the same flexible schedule as he does. I don't WANT to organize projects for their classes. I still manage to get to their schools for some stuff but apparently, it's not enough.

Of course I haven't said this to DH or the kids. I have told DH that it isn't fair for him to characterize my time with the kids as "not enough". I don't know if he heard that message though.

As a CFBC woman, I find women who deliberately choose to have children and then complain about them to be truly hilarious.

I find childless women who troll parenting sites to be a particular brand of pathetic.
-Happily married with two beautiful children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for all of the replies. Sorry I couldn't respond earlier, for some reason I can't access DCUM unless I'm on a computer/laptop.

As for why I had a second child....well, I was on leave with my first for many years. I loved that time with my oldest. I did so many things with them and really embraced parenting. Then, I went back part time and had a miscarriage. That experience alone was really hard but it made me feel sad that my oldest wouldn't have a sibling. So had a second but I transitioned to full time work after they were born.

These feelings of regret (perhaps too harsh a word) are relatively new. I do think pandemic parenting was super hard on me. I barely could keep my head above water with work and dealing with a pre-reader, sitting for all of their zoom sessions made me feel crazy. And interestingly, DH was (and still is) home 24/7. All of the sudden, all of the parenting things that I did (activities, shuttling the kids around, play dates, playing) were now being kind of picked apart by DH. He has ever the ready criticism on how things could be different or how I should have scheduled things differently. So I think I started to resent it and took a back seat. Let him figure it out for a while.

Now with no return to the office for him, he has firmly slid into the role of "all things parenting" and volunteers A LOT for various things for the kids. I still do some stuff but not as much anymore. I do try to incorporate the kids in activities I enjoy - cooking, hiking, walking, crafts. But he spends a lot of time at their school and insists they have very full schedules of activities (I prefer them to be less scheduled).

All of this is to say that DH sees what he does for the kids and thinks I need to do the same. I don't have the same flexible schedule as he does. I don't WANT to organize projects for their classes. I still manage to get to their schools for some stuff but apparently, it's not enough.

Of course I haven't said this to DH or the kids. I have told DH that it isn't fair for him to characterize my time with the kids as "not enough". I don't know if he heard that message though.

As a CFBC woman, I find women who deliberately choose to have children and then complain about them to be truly hilarious.

Stuff like this is why people hate and judge childfree people. I am also CF yet I can recognize how parenting is very difficult and it might not go as one expects before they have kids- how can you understand what parenting will truly entail? Also, OP's husband is not supportive and it seems like she may have more of a husband problem than a parenting problem. Regardless- this was a rude and unnecessary comment.