I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Nope, I’d be fine with that.

Most parent would be fine with most of that stopping. The ones that aren't can volunteer. Most of us both work, we don't have time for all this extra stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Oh girl are you kidding me, I’d pop a bottle of champagne!!!! Look, do that $hit if you find it genuinely fulfilling but please don’t have any illusions that you’re doing the rest of us any favors!!

I would love it if every parent was like you. We could do away with all of this nonsense. But I love that you think the people doing the grunt work on all this crap find it “genuinely fulfilling” 😂

Another one for popping a bottle of champagne. I don't remember having all this stuff as a kid - and that was when there were plenty of SAHMs. School was school. If there was a field day, the gym teachers organized it and invited parents, not the other way round.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems like you are trying to fit yourself into a mold of what you think a mom should be, and it’s making you miserable (your husband isn’t helping). If you don’t like crafts and board games, don’t do it! There must be some things you like that your kids also like - they’re big enough to do some “grownup” things.

I am also a mom who doesn’t really enjoy doing crafts or pretend play. So I do other things instead. I read with the kids, we take lots of walks, we bake/cook together. My husband and I also each make sure to do one kid-free thing each week - he plays golf with his buddies, I go to see friends or go browse the thrift store or whatever else I want to do. It helps. A lot of parenthood can be a grind and it’s easy to start feeling ground down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Oh girl are you kidding me, I’d pop a bottle of champagne!!!! Look, do that $hit if you find it genuinely fulfilling but please don’t have any illusions that you’re doing the rest of us any favors!!

I would love it if every parent was like you. We could do away with all of this nonsense. But I love that you think the people doing the grunt work on all this crap find it “genuinely fulfilling” 😂

Another one for popping a bottle of champagne. I don't remember having all this stuff as a kid - and that was when there were plenty of SAHMs. School was school. If there was a field day, the gym teachers organized it and invited parents, not the other way round.

Really? How old are you and where did you grow up? "All this stuff" has been a fixture in the DMV for generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Oh girl are you kidding me, I’d pop a bottle of champagne!!!! Look, do that $hit if you find it genuinely fulfilling but please don’t have any illusions that you’re doing the rest of us any favors!!

I would love it if every parent was like you. We could do away with all of this nonsense. But I love that you think the people doing the grunt work on all this crap find it “genuinely fulfilling” 😂

Another one for popping a bottle of champagne. I don't remember having all this stuff as a kid - and that was when there were plenty of SAHMs. School was school. If there was a field day, the gym teachers organized it and invited parents, not the other way round.

Really? How old are you and where did you grow up? "All this stuff" has been a fixture in the DMV for generations.

Go back to the poster who said kids don’t remember it!

My 1st kid recently asked me why I didn’t read to her all the time like I read to her little brother….. I read with her. All. The . F*****g. Time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like you are trying to fit yourself into a mold of what you think a mom should be, and it’s making you miserable (your husband isn’t helping). If you don’t like crafts and board games, don’t do it! There must be some things you like that your kids also like - they’re big enough to do some “grownup” things.

I am also a mom who doesn’t really enjoy doing crafts or pretend play. So I do other things instead. I read with the kids, we take lots of walks, we bake/cook together. My husband and I also each make sure to do one kid-free thing each week - he plays golf with his buddies, I go to see friends or go browse the thrift store or whatever else I want to do. It helps. A lot of parenthood can be a grind and it’s easy to start feeling ground down.

I agree with PP, but let’s be real - my kids don't love the things I love. If I had my way, we would have gone to the movies every weekend and spent the summers at the pool, and we would lay around reading books all the time. Instead there is SO MUCH SOCCER 😱 and an awful lot of video games, both of which I find tragically boring. Oh well, family means doing stuff you don’t like sometimes or taking an interest for the sake of togetherness. I’m not interested in everything some of my friends do either.

[Anonymous]

My life improved when I joined a gym with good childcare, and it improved, even more, when I joined lifetime fitness. They have classes for the kids that are included in the membership. Your 5-year-old could be doing gymnastics, and maybe the 11-year-old can do swim team?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Oh girl are you kidding me, I’d pop a bottle of champagne!!!! Look, do that $hit if you find it genuinely fulfilling but please don’t have any illusions that you’re doing the rest of us any favors!!

I would love it if every parent was like you. We could do away with all of this nonsense. But I love that you think the people doing the grunt work on all this crap find it “genuinely fulfilling” 😂

Another one for popping a bottle of champagne. I don't remember having all this stuff as a kid - and that was when there were plenty of SAHMs. School was school. If there was a field day, the gym teachers organized it and invited parents, not the other way round.

Really? How old are you and where did you grow up? "All this stuff" has been a fixture in the DMV for generations.

I grew up in Chevy Chase in the seventies and early eighties. It’s shocking to me how elaborate school has grown outside of class itself. I see some men participating, but it’s overwhelmingly still women who are expected to do all these elaborate things at school - despite the fact that most of us work full time now. It’s unnecessary, and I don’t understand why more women aren’t revolting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you feel guilty because American culture glorifies helicopter attachment blah blah parenting. I am the child of immigrants and my parents never played with me or chaperoned a field trip or even volunteered at the school and it was fine! I grew up to be successful career-wise and am married with a child. I am also super close to my parents. My mother loves shopping and some of my fondest memories are shopping with my mother, aunt and sister. Figure out an activity you enjoy and try and include your children and that's it.

This. Sorry but a lot of the SAHM play with kids all day moms are creepy and it’s not even good for the kids. Your job isn’t to entertain your kids. Yes, it’s good to be around and know what’s going on in their lives, but playing with them offers little benefit at all.

Wherever you got your child development degree, you should pursue a refund. What a load of crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

You know that very, very few adults actually enjoy playing Candyland or dolls, right? It’s not meant to entertain us or be fun for us. We do it for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn't sound like you hate having kids, just that you hate "being a mom" in the way our culture (and your husband) conceptualize it.

I too want to poke my own eyes out after spending 3 hours volunteering at my kid's school. I loathe the PTA and do not want to be involved in my kids' activities at a high level. I love them and want to make sure they have access to good opportunities. I don't mind helping with homework (real homework where they actually learn things, not the BS busywork that sometimes gets sent home) but I just want to drop my kid off at baseball practice, not be the "team mom" and prepare snacks for the whole team and show up an hour early to prep the field and whatever. Can't I just send a snack with my kid or maybe volunteer for one day of snack duty and we just pay someone to prep the field? Why does this stuff always seem to involve so much parental involvement and effort? Especially when it still costs a ton of money. We give our school a couple grand during every fundraising drive, we pay through the nose for these activities? Why do they act like without our volunteer labor, everything would fall apart?

I think there is this expectation that being an involved parent has to mean something so high level and intensive, especially for moms. It's not reasonable. I have a job, I have my own social life, I've given up a lot for my kids (happily, I adore them) but I don't need to make "mom" my entire identity. I don't see how that helps them anyway. Isn't part of my job as a parent to set an example and show them what a functional adult looks like? Shouldn't they see me taking care of myself, taking time for myself, being reasonable about my commitments and being willing to say "no" when someone is asking for more than I can give? I don't want to be a mommy martyr, and I don't want to teach my kids that moms must be martyrs.

My DH, by the way, doesn't do any of this volunteer stuff and no one gives him crap about it. He helps with homework and shows up for the recital and people applaud him for being an involved dad, instead of giving him grief for not doing more. I hold myself to that same standard. My kids are happy and well-adjusted and our family gets along well. I don't need to do more.

As for the kids bickering, some of that is inevitable (kids bicker) but I also wonder if part of it is that they are picking up on disagreement between you and your DH, or your unhappiness, and it's contributing to more discord.

Not OP. I know you are trying to help, but your post comes off as judgmental, defensive, and self-centered AF. You say you don't need to make "mom" your entire identity, but it sounds like you don't want "mom" to inconvenience your life in any way at all. You think spending money makes you a good mom, and rather than thank the other mothers whose different approach actually makes a difference in YOUR kids' lives you appear to hold them in contempt.

In short, you sound like an awful person, and I wonder how your kids will treat you as adults. I'm betting whatever relationship you have will be superficial at best. But I'm also betting you won't care about that either.

DP. It’s fine if other Moms want to spend time running the Scholastic book fair, but it’s also OK that I think that’s crappy. Scholastic books suck and cost money and the whole thing excludes kids who can’t afford to buy books. I also don't think elaborate Halloween parties, Provide Lunch for Teachers Day, Bring Flowers to Teachers Day, etc. is a waste of time. Please don’t imagine that what you are doing is necessary for my child or you are somehow taking up my slack.

I agree with top poster who agrees it’s better NOT to model mommy martyrdom. Being a good mom does not and should not require women (or men) to sacrifice themselves for their kids. I have seen many professionally successful women who don't participate in PTA, send their kids with a nanny to sports practice, order takeout, etc. Their kids still live them and ate not emotionally scarred.

Wow. Just wow. Your standards for parenting are *shockingly* low.

[Anonymous]

All of the mothers I know love their children. Most of them hate being a mom. Modern motherhood is like a competition to see who can make their life the most difficult.
Being a dad is where it's at.

The problem isn't the OP. It's society and her shit husband who has bought into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Nope, I’d be fine with that.

Your kid wouldn’t. And no, you don’t have some special Stepford child who wants no fun activities and nothing but grind at school, so don’t even try it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Nope, I’d be fine with that.

Your kid wouldn’t. And no, you don’t have some special Stepford child who wants no fun activities and nothing but grind at school, so don’t even try it.

whatever you have to tell yourself to get through the day! you are wasting your one life on earth with these activities, deep down we both know it, and however hard you try to make me feel guilty about not going along with your charade I simply never will. I'm too busy making a ton of money and actually enjoying my kids to even notice your snide tone or your passive aggressive emails. Enjoy Field Day!

[Anonymous]

OP, I never used the word "regret" but I had a ROUGH time adjusting to motherhood when I had a kid -- much longer than would be considered postpartum depression or anything clinical. It got so much better when my child got to a stage where she was easier to handle (in my case, 3ish, when she started talking in sentences, was potty trained and really independent, had a super sweet/cuddly disposition and the terrible 2 tantrums died down).

Since it sounds like your kids are older, maybe that perspective doesn't apply to you -- but maybe it does. I think of moms as similar to teachers who choose a certain age group -- of course we're not going to enjoy all the ages and stages; we all excel at a different one. My MIL, for example, is much better with middle schoolers than younger kids; my mom is great with infants but way too coddle-y for any kid older than 1. Is there a stage that you really enjoy more than others?

It sounds like some of what you dislike is the super-intensive, hands-on parenting style common in this area among overachieving parents. You don't have to buy into it! I'm a warm, loving mom but you will never see me becoming PTA president or getting down on the floor to play with my kid all day. I prize independent play and an adult-led household. I do have special moments and experiences with my child and try to always treat her with gentleness and love, but I don't center my life around my child. You can choose this path, too.

And for what it's worth, I have a great marriage, but I've straight up told my husband I do not want to hear any criticisms of my parenting and to just keep it to himself or vent to a friend. You should probably do the same; hearing his critiques is not healthy for you two.