I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg this thread. I now understand why there are so many terrible kids…they have awful parents

It’s sounds more like burn out from being the sole caretaking. Raising kids will suck out your energy, emotions, share of mind, physical demands like no tomorrow. And there are direct benefits to doing that, heck that’s why the weak they hired governesses!
It’s reasonable to realize your partner never changed his routine once kids entered the picture, everything fell on you, and you hate that. That’s one of the leading causes of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you possibly be suffering from depression OP?

And maybe that is causing you to feel the way you feel about parenting??

I would seek personal therapy in order to best deal w/this troublesome situation.

I wish you only the best! 🤗

Not OP. I hate when people say this could be depression. People can not enjoy parenting and not be depressed. I am not depressed: I do not like being a parent. I am a decade in, not depressed. My feelings have not changed. I do everything I am supposed to do—and no, I don’t enjoy it. Not depressed. These are my actual feelings. If moms were not expected to do it all now, maybe I would enjoy it more. I work and have kids and am too damn tired to enjoy it. That is ok. I do not care what judgey people think. My kids are happy, that is what matters. But it is not fun for me. I am exhausted.

DP. Sounds like depression to me too. Who spends time complaining about something g that is absolutely necessary? You have kids, you take care of them. It's that simple. No excuses, no complaints nothing. Do people go around complaing about brushing their teeth/ hair etc. I mean even those who complain about working complain about a specific job or aspect of their job. You don't complain about having to work - what's the alternative?

The day you had kids you choose to shut up and do what it takes to get them to 18 years of age. Just like you choose to work when you decided to live after the age of 18( before that age for some children). There are a few very wealthy who can choose to neither work nor parent, but that's a fantasy world for the rest of us.

Saying you hate parenting as a person who already has kids is like someone saying they hate living. What is the alternative? Sounds like depression.

That is not depression. You can hate your life but not be depressed. Depression makes it sound like something is wrong with your or it is temporary. Not enjoying being a parent was a way of life does not mean someone is depressed. It means they don't like being a parent. This is not a temporary condition (unless you are talking about temporary post partum depression--that is not this).

Grin and bear it and someday they will be grown up. That is the light at the end of the tunnel.

.

OP, I am a parent who hates the parental situation I’ve been forced/manipulated into by my now exDH. I love my kids and enjoy doing things with them, but there are also great challenges in raising them which I hate. Literally every day of the last 15 years, I have disliked my life. That is not depression. That is being caught in a situation that is impacted negatively by a lot of factors outside my control. I try not to let this seep out to the kids, but I also don’t want to normalize the behavior I’m subject to. It’s tricky. I will be an empty-nester this year, and, truth be told, I am looking forward to getting myself back and having more control of my own life.

I have realized in the last 15 years, that US society is literally structured to suck free time and effort out of women for the “good” of children and men. It’s terrible, and I will never be happy about it. That is not “depression” speaking. That is revolt speaking. (And I mean that in two sense of the word revolt.) There is nothing wrong with hating a life that erases your self.

The real question is how to fix that?

Why do you need to have a life that erases you? I’m a mom and I don’t have a life like that.

+100. Same here. I also made the conscious choice to only have one. Much more room in life for me and my DH and adult things that we enjoy with just one.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t think it’s motherhood that you hate, it’s the definition of motherhood being forced upon you by your DH (and to a lesser degree, society).

Your husband sounds like a decent father but an a$$ husband. You should get a therapist to help you figure out how to stand up to him. If you would let yourself free if what you think/ you’re being told a mother *should* be, maybe you can find a place/ role where you feel a it more at peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

yep. pretty much. but at least you're being honest with yourself. here's the thing toots, you have children, therefore you have parenting responsibilities. your husband sees what a resentful, unengaged mother you are to his children so he's slowly losing respect and love for you. so, good news is, you'll soon be on your way to divorce and you can award him full custody. and I mean that. sounds like that would be a solution that's best for everyone. [/quote

I know you tried very very hard to be mean and make OP feel bad, but damn girl, everyone reading this just feels sad and embarrassed for you. Sorry for whatever went wrong in your childhood or is currently going wrong in your marriage!

Agree!

[Anonymous]

No sane, intelligent person really likes parenting. It’s about the same as cleaning or working - we do what is expected of us but are not overjoyed.
Your problem is that your H is making you feel even worse. He needs to shut up.

[Anonymous]

OP, get the book Siblings Without Rivalry. It helps cut down on the squabbling and useless interventions.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't read this entire thread so maybe this has come up already, but you may be going through menopause. Bad timing.

[Anonymous]

You might find some solace here, OP. And some of the others posting in the thread might too.

https://www.amazon.com/Regretting-Motherhood-Study-Orna-Donath/dp/1623171377

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel similarly to you, OP. I have two mid elementary aged kids. I liked the baby stage well enough with one, but then my second came and she was colicky and screams through toddlerhood and it was just so hard. Now my kids speak to each other with venom and fight all the time and I hate living in a home with all this nastiness and negativity. I try to keep patient, model kindness, give them a chance to try again when they say something nasty and tell them continually “we don’t talk to each other like that”, but it’s awful. It triggers the hell out of me. We al need therapy but we don’t have the time or means and of course DH thinks therapy is shameful if we need it. Effing great times over here. My poor kids are going to be raised in a sad and stressed home just like I was and it sucks.

Kids model behavior, that kind of nasty interaction style is usually something they learn from parents. How is your husband talking to you, and vice versa?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don’t think it’s motherhood that you hate, it’s the definition of motherhood being forced upon you by your DH (and to a lesser degree, society).

Your husband sounds like a decent father but an a$$ husband. You should get a therapist to help you figure out how to stand up to him. If you would let yourself free if what you think/ you’re being told a mother *should* be, maybe you can find a place/ role where you feel a it more at peace.

Nope. It just sounds like plain ole motherhood. Don’t perpetuate that all women love motherhood. Simply not true.

[Anonymous]

Op, many people don’t want to become the responsible adult and raise kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel similarly to you, OP. I have two mid elementary aged kids. I liked the baby stage well enough with one, but then my second came and she was colicky and screams through toddlerhood and it was just so hard. Now my kids speak to each other with venom and fight all the time and I hate living in a home with all this nastiness and negativity. I try to keep patient, model kindness, give them a chance to try again when they say something nasty and tell them continually “we don’t talk to each other like that”, but it’s awful. It triggers the hell out of me. We al need therapy but we don’t have the time or means and of course DH thinks therapy is shameful if we need it. Effing great times over here. My poor kids are going to be raised in a sad and stressed home just like I was and it sucks.

Kids model behavior, that kind of nasty interaction style is usually something they learn from parents. How is your husband talking to you, and vice versa?

Good insight and question. I have thought about this. DH and I are kind to one another, though not overly sweet. We are sometimes playful but we do ignore each other a bit because we are swamped and burnt out. I have asked DH “Am I a nasty person? Do I speak like this at home?” But he says no. If anything I might be too harsh with my kids but not DH. I am working on it, I really am. It’s a vicious cycle because the screaming, hitting, and bad behavior make it difficult for me to meet it with a kind and calm tone of voice. My words are never mean, but certainly I think my tone can be harsher than I intend because I’m stressed and depressed. So yeah, people say “get therapy” like that’s not a 20 hour proposition to find a provider that is taking new patients, takes your insurance, and isn’t 50 miles away and has availability in the next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel similarly to you, OP. I have two mid elementary aged kids. I liked the baby stage well enough with one, but then my second came and she was colicky and screams through toddlerhood and it was just so hard. Now my kids speak to each other with venom and fight all the time and I hate living in a home with all this nastiness and negativity. I try to keep patient, model kindness, give them a chance to try again when they say something nasty and tell them continually “we don’t talk to each other like that”, but it’s awful. It triggers the hell out of me. We al need therapy but we don’t have the time or means and of course DH thinks therapy is shameful if we need it. Effing great times over here. My poor kids are going to be raised in a sad and stressed home just like I was and it sucks.

Kids model behavior, that kind of nasty interaction style is usually something they learn from parents. How is your husband talking to you, and vice versa?

Good insight and question. I have thought about this. DH and I are kind to one another, though not overly sweet. We are sometimes playful but we do ignore each other a bit because we are swamped and burnt out. I have asked DH “Am I a nasty person? Do I speak like this at home?” But he says no. If anything I might be too harsh with my kids but not DH. I am working on it, I really am. It’s a vicious cycle because the screaming, hitting, and bad behavior make it difficult for me to meet it with a kind and calm tone of voice. My words are never mean, but certainly I think my tone can be harsher than I intend because I’m stressed and depressed. So yeah, people say “get therapy” like that’s not a 20 hour proposition to find a provider that is taking new patients, takes your insurance, and isn’t 50 miles away and has availability in the next year.

I found taking a parenting class better and more helpful than going to therapy. Try Parent encouragement program in Kensington, they have classes online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don’t think it’s motherhood that you hate, it’s the definition of motherhood being forced upon you by your DH (and to a lesser degree, society).

Your husband sounds like a decent father but an a$$ husband. You should get a therapist to help you figure out how to stand up to him. If you would let yourself free if what you think/ you’re being told a mother *should* be, maybe you can find a place/ role where you feel a it more at peace.

Nope. It just sounds like plain ole motherhood. Don’t perpetuate that all women love motherhood. Simply not true.

+1. My grandmothers did not like it either. They were great grandmas but did not enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

I suggest therapy. You have a job you can’t quit. A therapist can help you find the best way to cope with the next decade (which will go fast). Otherwise, I fear your children will suffer psychologically.