I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

yep. pretty much. but at least you're being honest with yourself. here's the thing toots, you have children, therefore you have parenting responsibilities. your husband sees what a resentful, unengaged mother you are to his children so he's slowly losing respect and love for you. so, good news is, you'll soon be on your way to divorce and you can award him full custody. and I mean that. sounds like that would be a solution that's best for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of women feel like you do. What was so surprising hanging out with the other SAHMs was how many of them function this way. There is an entire ecosystem of competitive Alpha women trying to get the socially Beta women to be caregivers for their kids -- but the Alphas still get the social credit. Take field day for example: the choice jobs which are high social credit and low effort or mentally interesting already went to the inner political circle before you even had a chance at the sign up.

[Anonymous]

My kids are grown up now in their teens. I have always loved to hang out with them.

My kids were talking the other day with their friends about how I was the coolest and the most fun mom ever. I have no recollection of any of the things they told me. It seems when my kids fell and had a boo-boo, after applying the neosporin and bandaid, I would also give them a kiss, and give them two "pain pills" of M&Ms. I told them that M&Ms had special ingredients in the chocolate that dulls the pain and most people did not know about it.

I also told them that kids who eat candy smell extra nice to lions who want to gobble them especially if they don't eat greens...(and also most people don't know about it), and so my kids would eat salads and greens with each meal and then I would lift their arms, sniff their underarms and say "whoa, this does not smell like candy at all." I also warmed up their school clothes in the dryer with a dryer sheet so that they did not catch a chill. And dress them when they were still in bed - this too was a secret hack that others did not know about. As they were telling it to their friends, I was thinking that I did not remember any of this at all. All I remembered is feeling tired and exhausted. I would host a lot of children at my house, just so the kids had other kids to play with and I could get a reprieve. Still I was glad that I made everything fun for my kids and my kids loving that. Maybe giving them joy, gave me joy. Maybe that's what fueled me as a mom. Being a mom or a parent is tiring.

OP, my advice is that outsource some domestic chores. Also, do playdates so that you can swap childcare with other moms for some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of women feel like you do. What was so surprising hanging out with the other SAHMs was how many of them function this way. There is an entire ecosystem of competitive Alpha women trying to get the socially Beta women to be caregivers for their kids -- but the Alphas still get the social credit. Take field day for example: the choice jobs which are high social credit and low effort or mentally interesting already went to the inner political circle before you even had a chance at the sign up.

good God. Go write your naval gazing thesis now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of women feel like you do. What was so surprising hanging out with the other SAHMs was how many of them function this way. There is an entire ecosystem of competitive Alpha women trying to get the socially Beta women to be caregivers for their kids -- but the Alphas still get the social credit. Take field day for example: the choice jobs which are high social credit and low effort or mentally interesting already went to the inner political circle before you even had a chance at the sign up.

That's real. I stopped volunteering for stuff through the PTA when I realized I would always be handed the least desirable job so that the group of women who all know each other and run everything could do something easier where they can socialize and take credit for things. I'd wind up hauling pumpkins off truck sin 90 degree heat for 3 hours while the women in charge would sit at a table in the shade and take money and chat with everyone. At first I thought it was luck of the draw but then realized it was a system and I decided to stop being the grunt labor for them. I don't even attend PTA meetings anymore. I have an only child and we're halfway through, I don't intend to remember these people's names in a few years (most don't even have kids in my child's grade so there is zero reason for me to kiss up to them or facilitate their desire to run the show here).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, OP, I'm sorry but if you "work full time" you really don't have much to complain about. Other people are raising your kids for the most part -- not you. I don't mean that in a pejorative way. It's just the reality of it.

Having said that, your husband is both an a$$ and wrong. Volunteering at their school should be priority number 2,368 on the list. It has nothing to do with being a good mom and in the long run will have zero impact on anything. Millions of excellent mothers would gauge their eyes out before doing that.

Some people don't like board games either. Not playing them with your kids won't turn the kids into serial killers.

Try and think of things you actually LIKE to do and that make sense to involve kids in.

God, you are a sexist,insufferable jerk. And yes, you did mean that in a pejorative way.

[Anonymous]

I know of a family where the mom was checked out in parenting. The dad would come to hang out with his kids at our house in the weekends. The kids would be unkempt, with unwashed and uncombed hair, dressed oddly. Anyways, the mom had an affair (DH was high earning, mom was SAHM), divorced, remarried...kids are very messed up. Mom was not a person who could do any kind of adulting - very messy home, no organization, she was a complete mess. I sometimes wonder why the guy married her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your feelings are pretty normal and I do not think you are a terrible person, at all. You are owning your mistake, it sounds like you are a good mom even if you don't enjoy it, and you are trying to find a way to make things better.

Here's the thing: you get to decide what being a "good enough mom" to your kids looks like, OP. Not your DH, not society, and not other moms. You owe your kids safety, security, and love. The rest is gravy.

Your kids are old enough that you can pull them into stuff you like to do. I hate pretend play and I hate volunteering at school/sports teams. But, I love hiking and cooking, and have gotten both of my kids into it as well.

If your DH thinks that only particular activities count as parenting, let him do those things.

[Anonymous]

I love my kids and I'm glad I had them, but I also hate a lot of the daily grind involved in "being a mom". The good news is that truly, you can simply stop doing a lot of this stuff and nothing bad is going to happen because it just doesn't matter in the long run. I don't volunteer at their school, shuttle them around to activities, cook a home cooked meal every night etc because I don't like doing those things and life's too short to be miserable all the time. I genuinely do enjoy just hanging out with my kids with no plan and no need to hustle them around on a schedule, so I make space for that and often take them on long weekend trips to places we both enjoy. Like, we go to Manhatten on the regular but I'm not taking them to Great Wolf Lodge or whatever because I wouldn't enjoy it and having kids doesn't mean you're signing up to completely disregard your own needs and desires for 18 years.

[Anonymous]

1. Therapy. You know running away isn’t a viable option, and therapy may helpful you find peace, if not some joy, in parenting.

2. Don’t play board games if you don’t enjoy board games. Yes, if your children love them you may have to do it occasionally, but it doesn’t have to be an every day thing. Think about the things you enjoy doing, and them figure out a way to involve your kids in those activities in age-appropriate ways. You may find you connect with your kids better that way.

3. If you really feel like you should be involved in the kids’ school, find volunteer roles that suit your preferences. You do t have to volunteer at field day, you could sign up for something else like running a fundraiser that doesn’t involve much student contact, or helping to plan the next annual parents social.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

yep. pretty much. but at least you're being honest with yourself. here's the thing toots, you have children, therefore you have parenting responsibilities. your husband sees what a resentful, unengaged mother you are to his children so he's slowly losing respect and love for you. so, good news is, you'll soon be on your way to divorce and you can award him full custody. and I mean that. sounds like that would be a solution that's best for everyone.

I know you tried very very hard to be mean and make OP feel bad, but damn girl, everyone reading this just feels sad and embarrassed for you. Sorry for whatever went wrong in your childhood or is currently going wrong in your marriage!

[Anonymous]

OP you feel guilty because American culture glorifies helicopter attachment blah blah parenting. I am the child of immigrants and my parents never played with me or chaperoned a field trip or even volunteered at the school and it was fine! I grew up to be successful career-wise and am married with a child. I am also super close to my parents. My mother loves shopping and some of my fondest memories are shopping with my mother, aunt and sister. Figure out an activity you enjoy and try and include your children and that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another case of the feminist movement not providing the happiness it promised.

Haha! You are about to start a fire in here

Trolling only works if it has a claim to reason, however tenuous or disputed. Thinking that the feminist movement promised that all women would love the drudgery of day-to-day mothering is so completely backwards from reality that the attempt comes across less as provocative trolling and more as "are you having a stroke?"

[Anonymous]

OP I feel the same way.

I think how you feel is more normal than you think. It’s only in modern times that parenting has been advertised as “fun”. Women traditionally haven’t had the time to play with kids and weren’t expected to be a playmate. Women had manual chores to do or other kids to tend to.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

My dad never once played a board game with me and he was still a great dad. My mom was depressed and anxious and never did school stuff and I know she loved me and I turned out fine. I wouldn’t worry too much about those things. But you need to carve out time for yourself somehow.