I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Are you a stay-at-home parent? What else do you do for yourself other than raise kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a stay-at-home parent? What else do you do for yourself other than raise kids?

I work full time for a small business.

[Anonymous]

I love my kids but I dislike being a mom too. Wish I were dad: so much less effort and so much more praise.

[Anonymous]

Volunteering at school field days and playing board games is not particularly foundational to parenting. Find something you do like doing with them, and do that. Your DH can do the stuff he likes with them.

Curious why you had a second when the first was 6, if you knew you didn't relish the nitty-gritty of it. Or was the second an accident? Or this feeling is more recent? If this is a newish feeling it might just be depression or anxiety seeking an outlet.

[Anonymous]

I can't envision my husband being ANGRY that I don't spend more time volunteering at our kids' schools. WTH?

I don't play pretend with my kids because I particularly enjoy sipping fake tea from a shoe, I do it because my kids enjoy it and their joy gives me joy. What makes your kids truly happy? Try to engage in those things while taking some time for yourself.

[Anonymous]

I’d talk to a therapist and find things you enjoy doing that your kids will like as well. You don’t have to do a lot but show interest in them by doing something small together. My mom worked all the time and rarely had time to do anything with us (single mom), but she would occasionally read out loud to us books she enjoyed that were also age appropriate (like Narnia). Maybe for you, it’s hiking, or exploring music or something. She would also take each of us once to a theater production (it’s all she could afford). We each chose which production we wanted to see and when we were about 12, she’d take us to see it. These small things mattered. They will also become more independent and fun as they grow older. My mom never really liked parenting either but she’s my best friend today and we are really close (took after college to get to this place as I became more of an adult).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my kids but I dislike being a mom too. Wish I were dad: so much less effort and so much more praise.

This!

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing: I did all that stuff: volunteered, played board games, played pretend, played basketball at the local playground, got in the pool and played with them even though I didn't want to. I love my kids and they were always so happy that when I did all these things with them. But guess what. They don't remember any of it. Seriously. They have vague memories of it, but you could skip it all and they'd never know. As they got older, by their young teen years, I really just couldn't get into that freezing cold pool anymore, and now they believe I'm the mom who wouldn't get in the pool. I read them books every single night of their lives until they were 12 years old and they barely rememember it. It's really sad. Just be nice, caring, loving, give them what they need. Be home for them when they're teens. Take the pressure off yourself and tell your husband to shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't envision my husband being ANGRY that I don't spend more time volunteering at our kids' schools. WTH?

I don't play pretend with my kids because I particularly enjoy sipping fake tea from a shoe, I do it because my kids enjoy it and their joy gives me joy. What makes your kids truly happy? Try to engage in those things while taking some time for yourself.

I don’t think this is fair. OP admits she doesn’t like being a mom. I suspect her husband is simply picking up on that and is offering up ways that she could get involved. Sounds like volunteering at the school and board game play aren’t working but there should be other ways for her to show up for the kids in ways that better suit her personality.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, I'm sorry but if you "work full time" you really don't have much to complain about. Other people are raising your kids for the most part -- not you. I don't mean that in a pejorative way. It's just the reality of it.

Having said that, your husband is both an a$$ and wrong. Volunteering at their school should be priority number 2,368 on the list. It has nothing to do with being a good mom and in the long run will have zero impact on anything. Millions of excellent mothers would gauge their eyes out before doing that.

Some people don't like board games either. Not playing them with your kids won't turn the kids into serial killers.

Try and think of things you actually LIKE to do and that make sense to involve kids in.

[Anonymous]

OP, it doesn't sound like you hate having kids, just that you hate "being a mom" in the way our culture (and your husband) conceptualize it.

I too want to poke my own eyes out after spending 3 hours volunteering at my kid's school. I loathe the PTA and do not want to be involved in my kids' activities at a high level. I love them and want to make sure they have access to good opportunities. I don't mind helping with homework (real homework where they actually learn things, not the BS busywork that sometimes gets sent home) but I just want to drop my kid off at baseball practice, not be the "team mom" and prepare snacks for the whole team and show up an hour early to prep the field and whatever. Can't I just send a snack with my kid or maybe volunteer for one day of snack duty and we just pay someone to prep the field? Why does this stuff always seem to involve so much parental involvement and effort? Especially when it still costs a ton of money. We give our school a couple grand during every fundraising drive, we pay through the nose for these activities? Why do they act like without our volunteer labor, everything would fall apart?

I think there is this expectation that being an involved parent has to mean something so high level and intensive, especially for moms. It's not reasonable. I have a job, I have my own social life, I've given up a lot for my kids (happily, I adore them) but I don't need to make "mom" my entire identity. I don't see how that helps them anyway. Isn't part of my job as a parent to set an example and show them what a functional adult looks like? Shouldn't they see me taking care of myself, taking time for myself, being reasonable about my commitments and being willing to say "no" when someone is asking for more than I can give? I don't want to be a mommy martyr, and I don't want to teach my kids that moms must be martyrs.

My DH, by the way, doesn't do any of this volunteer stuff and no one gives him crap about it. He helps with homework and shows up for the recital and people applaud him for being an involved dad, instead of giving him grief for not doing more. I hold myself to that same standard. My kids are happy and well-adjusted and our family gets along well. I don't need to do more.

As for the kids bickering, some of that is inevitable (kids bicker) but I also wonder if part of it is that they are picking up on disagreement between you and your DH, or your unhappiness, and it's contributing to more discord.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, sometimes these feelings are warranted and it sounds like your husband is super harsh. Who likes playing board games with kids? At 5 and 11, they can start participating in YOUR interests, but if you don’t have any hobbies or interests your kids like, they can play on their own. You don’t need to play with kids.

[Anonymous]

I am also wondering if this is a new feeling. Because all the people I know who were not happy with kids stopped at one, which made it much more manageable. Are you burnt out from pandemic parenting?

Does your DH volunteer? Does he play board games? Is there an aspect of parenthood your DO enjoy, or that at least doesn't make you feel like you want to crawl out of your skin?

I have a friend with kids your age, and a really dominating/anxious husband who lays down a lot weird rules that seem to make everyone unhappy.

[Anonymous]

I think you are having very normal feelings and this is maybe more a marriage issue than a parenting issue. Your husband could choose to listen to you complain about field day, laugh at your stories, and say, "I know, right?" And you'd feel heard and maybe still sign up for the next field day. It's the judgment and lack of understanding that feels icky.

Especially with the tween, are there activities that you enjoy that they might too? I've never been a little kid person who liked kid play, kids stories, etc. But I'm loving ages 10 and 12 where we can watch movies we all like, get into musical theater together, go shopping, etc. I very begrudgingly started a girl scout troop for my daughter (I was asked to do it). I enjoy the meetings when we have them, especially now that they're older and there isn't one kid hiding under a table and one kid crying at all times. But I dread them too, and I'm always so happy when they're over. Leading a bunch of children is not my natural environment.

Having your spouse be like, "Why aren't you a nicer/more involved/more fun mom?" would really irk me too. Look, none of us is perfect, and I will be the first to admit it. But I expect my spouse to take my side and acknowledge when things are a drag. I expect my spouse to focus on the good things, and I try to do the same. If you focus on the negative, you just get more of the negatives . . . vicious cycle.

So yeah, I think you put this in the right forum.