Husband wants to be more intimate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m struck by how many posters (though hopefully the same one, several times) are so gross that they’d want to have unpleasurable — for her— sex with a partner who they know doesn’t want it. That’s “intimacy”? What, precisely, is intimate about someone telling you to “make it quick”?

You’d be shocked how many men feel this way. I was when I found out. For a while I thought it was just a few men but no, men like this are everywhere. “A man has needs and if you don’t meet them he will just get them somewhere else, so sorry, you gotta do it even if you hate it.” Do they care that a woman might want a good sex life too? Or that she might have other needs in life that aren’t getting met? No, they don’t care, not enough to do anything to support their wife. A lot of the guys who seem like good men are more than willing to have sex with somebody who isn’t enjoy it.

Not all men to be sure, than goodness. I have to keep in mind that even if millions of men feel this way, there are still many who don’t. And more importantly my husband isn’t like this.

[Anonymous]

When people tell me they have really frequent sex I assume it’s just the guy pumping away for a few minutes, most of the time. No one has time or energy for elaborate sex every day.

[Anonymous]

Fake it til you make it, for the sake of your marriage. Libido returns a lot more around 6-9 months pp and I say that as someone who has always been high-libido. Get a pelvic floor PT eval even if you had a cesarean -- that way you know you are doing ok down there.

I highly recommend mornings vs. nighttime for sex when you have little kids. Highly recommend.

Get a sitter and go on dates. The hardest step for that is the first step but you will thank yourself later. You need to feel "yourself" outside of being a mom.

[Anonymous]

Who would you find and what would you pay for a sitter for 3 month old twins? I remember hiring a neighborhood teen for a ES kid and thinking it was crazy to spend that much money and our budget was way tighter with an infant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who would you find and what would you pay for a sitter for 3 month old twins? I remember hiring a neighborhood teen for a ES kid and thinking it was crazy to spend that much money and our budget was way tighter with an infant.

Find a nanny looking for extra hours. I found good ones on care.com. I would go with an adult vs. a high schooler for young infants.

It's still cheaper than marriage counseling or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who would you find and what would you pay for a sitter for 3 month old twins? I remember hiring a neighborhood teen for a ES kid and thinking it was crazy to spend that much money and our budget was way tighter with an infant.

Find a nanny looking for extra hours. I found good ones on care.com. I would go with an adult vs. a high schooler for young infants.

It's still cheaper than marriage counseling or divorce.

Forgot to add, I pay $20/hr but have found good sitters for as low as $16. It is well worth it to preserve marital happiness and sanity.

[Anonymous]

I tried taking one for the team, faking it until I made it, etc etc and I really wish I hadn’t. Sex was never the same after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who would you find and what would you pay for a sitter for 3 month old twins? I remember hiring a neighborhood teen for a ES kid and thinking it was crazy to spend that much money and our budget was way tighter with an infant.

Find a nanny looking for extra hours. I found good ones on care.com. I would go with an adult vs. a high schooler for young infants.

It's still cheaper than marriage counseling or divorce.

I would have been too exhausted at three months. I can't imagine thinking a date night at 3 months is needed to avoid marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

I've scanned all 9 pages to see if you came back to update, OP, so apologies if I missed more information.

In your initial post you don't mention having a direct conversation with your husband about this. You mention that you know he wants to be more intimate by how he's all over you most nights. So I think the issue here might not really be intimacy so much as it's conflict avoidance or just lack of practice communicating hard things.

When having a conversation that might bring up feelings of rejection or inadequacy, choose a time when you are both relaxed. You could say, "Now that the twins are 3 months old I want to talk about our sex life. I need you to know that I'm still struggling physically and mentally. I read that the first three months are sometimes called 'the fourth trimester,' and that's kind of how I feel. I still feel like my body is all about the babies and it's hard for me to flip a switch into sexy mode. But I totally understand that for you, it's been a year since we got pregnant and I'm sure you are beyond ready to have a regular sex life. How do you feel about how often we've been having sex recently? Let's talk about what we'd want in an ideal world, and what we think is realistic."

Just having the conversation will help you get on the same page. It will probably help him be a little more thoughtful and respectful of how you feel, and it will probably help you feel understood and maybe help you up that frequency a smidge. Marriage is all about communication and compromise. That doesn't mean having sex that you don't want, but our libidos are on a continuum, right? If you're at "ugh, no, sex is the last thing I want right now," don't have it. If you're at, "Well it wouldn't be my first choice but I think I could enjoy it if he's patient with me," then make the effort.

We all want to be seen by our partners and met where we are. Make sure your husband sees where you are right now, and do your part to see him and meet him where he is too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've scanned all 9 pages to see if you came back to update, OP, so apologies if I missed more information.

In your initial post you don't mention having a direct conversation with your husband about this. You mention that you know he wants to be more intimate by how he's all over you most nights. So I think the issue here might not really be intimacy so much as it's conflict avoidance or just lack of practice communicating hard things.

When having a conversation that might bring up feelings of rejection or inadequacy, choose a time when you are both relaxed. You could say, "Now that the twins are 3 months old I want to talk about our sex life. I need you to know that I'm still struggling physically and mentally. I read that the first three months are sometimes called 'the fourth trimester,' and that's kind of how I feel. I still feel like my body is all about the babies and it's hard for me to flip a switch into sexy mode. But I totally understand that for you, it's been a year since we got pregnant and I'm sure you are beyond ready to have a regular sex life. How do you feel about how often we've been having sex recently? Let's talk about what we'd want in an ideal world, and what we think is realistic."

Just having the conversation will help you get on the same page. It will probably help him be a little more thoughtful and respectful of how you feel, and it will probably help you feel understood and maybe help you up that frequency a smidge. Marriage is all about communication and compromise. That doesn't mean having sex that you don't want, but our libidos are on a continuum, right? If you're at "ugh, no, sex is the last thing I want right now," don't have it. If you're at, "Well it wouldn't be my first choice but I think I could enjoy it if he's patient with me," then make the effort.

We all want to be seen by our partners and met where we are. Make sure your husband sees where you are right now, and do your part to see him and meet him where he is too.

Personally I think that before this conversation happens, OP and her husband need to understand obstacles to sex, and also conditions that make sex extremely appealing. If that doesn’t happen and they just talk about how many times a week is reasonable, sex probably won’t be very enjoyable for OP and it’s either going to be an unsustainable agreement or it’s going to cause some resentment on her part. But if they can find a way to ensure they are both having a great sex life, that will be sustainable and a great part of their marriage.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I say this with kindness and without judgment: You need to put out before your husband starts looking elsewhere.

Find a babysitter to watch the kids and take an evening for yourselves each week. If you’re still uneasy with your body for whatever reason tell him that. Think of it as a time to perfect your bj skills. Men just operate differently than women it’s normal but you have to compromise. At this point it’s been a year with very little goodies I can understand his frustration.

She is THREE MONTHS past having twins and is “putting out” once a week! You’re insane, or a dude who feels like it’s his responsibility to get every other dude laid.

You're living in fantasy land. Soon it'll be but the twins need this... or I'm tired... and before you know it, hubby is looking elsewhere. It's just the way it goes. It's the reality of the thing. It just is. Either she musters up the umph to do it, or she'll be having serious marital issues in the next 3-6 months, I guarantee.

Pretty much this.

If you ignore your marriage, eventually it will go away.

And? After it goes away, the wife, like most divorced women, will probably say she doesn't feel like meeting anyone else and will live out the rest of her life in peace, while the husband ties himself into knots trying to get sex from someone else. I know who I'd rather be.

Lies. She'll be back on DCUM asking with dating apps are the app, tips on hooking up with a random bar dude in Germany, or asking how long she should wait before her new boyfriend that she just met two months ago meets the twins.

Clearly you're new here.

Don’t forget the I’m newly divorced in my 40s what mini skirt should I wear on my blind date? Or my teenagers want to live with their father and his new wife, should I just run away to Canada? Followed by my sister is still friends with my ex husband-should I be mad?

It’s like a Jerry Springer episode ‘round here.

You do know that like 90% of posts here are trolls, right?

Doubt it's 90%. It's just that whenever someone posts something that the majority of people here can't relate to the first thing they do is yell TROLL!! It's happened to me on a thread I posted and I'm sure countless others. There's nothing worse than sharing your story and looking for engaging feedback only to be called a troll. It's dumb and immature.

A “mid-40s woman” asking what miniskirt to wear on a blind date or talking about running away to Canada is very obviously a troll. I’m not sure why the PP thinks that is an accurate depiction of what mid-40s women post online. If they ever were posted here and not just hyperbole by PP to prove a point (“women suck and here’s a hypothetical situation proving why!”) they are very obviously troll posts.

Again, doubt it. I'm in my late-40s and have a group chat of eight girlfriends who are all my age or a couple years older, more than half of us are divorced and we discuss clothing for dates or events quite frequently and yes, sometimes that includes miniskirts. So again, just because you can relate doesn't mean it's not real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m struck by how many posters (though hopefully the same one, several times) are so gross that they’d want to have unpleasurable — for her— sex with a partner who they know doesn’t want it. That’s “intimacy”? What, precisely, is intimate about someone telling you to “make it quick”?

You’d be shocked how many men feel this way. I was when I found out. For a while I thought it was just a few men but no, men like this are everywhere. “A man has needs and if you don’t meet them he will just get them somewhere else, so sorry, you gotta do it even if you hate it.” Do they care that a woman might want a good sex life too? Or that she might have other needs in life that aren’t getting met? No, they don’t care, not enough to do anything to support their wife. A lot of the guys who seem like good men are more than willing to have sex with somebody who isn’t enjoy it.

Not all men to be sure, than goodness. I have to keep in mind that even if millions of men feel this way, there are still many who don’t. And more importantly my husband isn’t like this.

Here is something that will shock you…women are the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When people tell me they have really frequent sex I assume it’s just the guy pumping away for a few minutes, most of the time. No one has time or energy for elaborate sex every day.

Sorry you feel that way. Both DH and I have a pretty high drive and we generally feed off each others energy in that department. While the actual acts aren't always elaborate, the mental energy that we put into before and during and after can be pretty elaborate.

We have a commitment to engage in some form of intimacy each day, not always physically. We always wake up with some type of physical touch, even just him pulling me close and rest his hand my hip or tracing his finger along my shoulders.

DH has never just pumped away for a few minutes. He wouldn't be into that and it would do nothing for him. In conversations with friends I have realized that our vanilla is their elaborate, and our elaborate would leave them in shock.

My point is there are some amazing men out there who are also amazing lovers. If he puts the effort in I have no issue putting the effort in also. This is also something that was discussed early on in our relationship. As much as people talk about what kind of relationship they want, it also important to discuss what type of relationship they don't want. We didn't want to lose intimacy, be in a dead bedroom relationship and not be able to share our desires and needs. So we talked about what we would need to prevent that from happening which led to the conversation about what we both need and want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m struck by how many posters (though hopefully the same one, several times) are so gross that they’d want to have unpleasurable — for her— sex with a partner who they know doesn’t want it. That’s “intimacy”? What, precisely, is intimate about someone telling you to “make it quick”?

You’d be shocked how many men feel this way. I was when I found out. For a while I thought it was just a few men but no, men like this are everywhere. “A man has needs and if you don’t meet them he will just get them somewhere else, so sorry, you gotta do it even if you hate it.” Do they care that a woman might want a good sex life too? Or that she might have other needs in life that aren’t getting met? No, they don’t care, not enough to do anything to support their wife. A lot of the guys who seem like good men are more than willing to have sex with somebody who isn’t enjoy it.

Not all men to be sure, than goodness. I have to keep in mind that even if millions of men feel this way, there are still many who don’t. And more importantly my husband isn’t like this.

Here is something that will shock you…women are the same way.

First of all, I don’t believe that a significant portion of women want to have sex with a partner who they know is finding it actually unpleasurable and doesn’t want to have sex. Of course women commit sexual assault too and that’s awful, but I do not think it is engrained in a large percentage of women that men should be having unpleasurable, unwanted sex just because they’re horny. Like if you look at threads on here where a woman complains about her husband not wanting sex, she is typically told she should lose weight, her husband is depressed and needs therapy, or he’s gay. I imagine that if a man posted about his wife wanting more sex, you’d get responses along those lines, not “just lie back and tell her to make it quick,” or “take it in the anus.”

Second, you don’t come across as actually caring about these poor men who are being told to have unpleasurable sex just because their wives want it. Which is sad, because men getting sexually assaulted is a huge problem that is seriously under addressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this with kindness and without judgment: You need to put out before your husband starts looking elsewhere.

Find a babysitter to watch the kids and take an evening for yourselves each week. If you’re still uneasy with your body for whatever reason tell him that. Think of it as a time to perfect your bj skills. Men just operate differently than women it’s normal but you have to compromise. At this point it’s been a year with very little goodies I can understand his frustration.

She is THREE MONTHS past having twins and is “putting out” once a week! You’re insane, or a dude who feels like it’s his responsibility to get every other dude laid.

You're living in fantasy land. Soon it'll be but the twins need this... or I'm tired... and before you know it, hubby is looking elsewhere. It's just the way it goes. It's the reality of the thing. It just is. Either she musters up the umph to do it, or she'll be having serious marital issues in the next 3-6 months, I guarantee.

Pretty much this.

If you ignore your marriage, eventually it will go away.

And? After it goes away, the wife, like most divorced women, will probably say she doesn't feel like meeting anyone else and will live out the rest of her life in peace, while the husband ties himself into knots trying to get sex from someone else. I know who I'd rather be.

Lies. She'll be back on DCUM asking with dating apps are the app, tips on hooking up with a random bar dude in Germany, or asking how long she should wait before her new boyfriend that she just met two months ago meets the twins.

Clearly you're new here.

Don’t forget the I’m newly divorced in my 40s what mini skirt should I wear on my blind date? Or my teenagers want to live with their father and his new wife, should I just run away to Canada? Followed by my sister is still friends with my ex husband-should I be mad?

It’s like a Jerry Springer episode ‘round here.

You do know that like 90% of posts here are trolls, right?

Doubt it's 90%. It's just that whenever someone posts something that the majority of people here can't relate to the first thing they do is yell TROLL!! It's happened to me on a thread I posted and I'm sure countless others. There's nothing worse than sharing your story and looking for engaging feedback only to be called a troll. It's dumb and immature.

A “mid-40s woman” asking what miniskirt to wear on a blind date or talking about running away to Canada is very obviously a troll. I’m not sure why the PP thinks that is an accurate depiction of what mid-40s women post online. If they ever were posted here and not just hyperbole by PP to prove a point (“women suck and here’s a hypothetical situation proving why!”) they are very obviously troll posts.

Again, doubt it. I'm in my late-40s and have a group chat of eight girlfriends who are all my age or a couple years older, more than half of us are divorced and we discuss clothing for dates or events quite frequently and yes, sometimes that includes miniskirts. So again, just because you can relate doesn't mean it's not real.

Yea, a group chat with friends.

Real women aren't posting on DCUM asking for miniskirt advice.