Husband wants to be more intimate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am team put out. What exactly is wrong with your mouth performing? Your anus? How can you be that tired that you can not spend a couple minutes being intimate with your husband? You are consumed by your children but what about him? Where and when does he get attention and affection from you? If you want, tell him that he needs to be proactive in finding a babysitter once a week so you all can go to a hotel and have sex. Figure it out:

^^written by a man!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s ridiculous. He should be helping you with the twins and helping you get pelvic PT to recover from your birth, not harassing you for sex. Sorry but you’re at the start of a long marathon, and if you don’t get time to relax and rest now you will be extremely depleted by the end of the year. Tell him what you need to feel rested and healed and put yourself first. He’s an idiot if he doesn’t see what you need.

Sex is a part of marriage and this is a terrible opinion. No man is thinking of helping their wives get pelvic PT. Get outta here! Sex can take a few minutes at minimum, it really ain't that hard to do.

Sorry your standards are so low for yourself (or your husband?).

Some of us have great husbands. OP, my husband was extremely hands on with the baby, did night parenting, and didn’t think of pressuring me for anything. We’ve been married for 15 years and going strong in all respects unlike some of the marriages you hear about on here. It’s in large part because he respects me and loves me unconditionally, not just as a convenient hole.

You’ve had a traumatic birth with twins. I hope you give yourself a break and don’t listen to some of the idiots. Truly hope they are trolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once a week with three month old twins is AMAZING. I’m a very high drive woman (I was ready to go 2 days after giving birth) with one three months old baby and we’re also averaging once a week. Most nights were exhausted and just want to sleep.

If your H is pressuring you that much, it sounds like he’s not doing enough childcare. How much is he doing? How many feedings, diaper changes, etc? How often do you get to get out of the house alone? How often is he doing household chores and making dinner?

Same. My husband was too busy with and tired from sharing childcare duties for months, and we only had one baby.

+ 1
My DH was not only a very involved dad with DC1 but also knew that without a lot of support from him, our plan to EBF would fail. BFing is bloody hard for the FTM for the first few months and because he was pitching in too, he was exhausted and sleep deprived too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s ridiculous. He should be helping you with the twins and helping you get pelvic PT to recover from your birth, not harassing you for sex. Sorry but you’re at the start of a long marathon, and if you don’t get time to relax and rest now you will be extremely depleted by the end of the year. Tell him what you need to feel rested and healed and put yourself first. He’s an idiot if he doesn’t see what you need.

Sex is a part of marriage and this is a terrible opinion. No man is thinking of helping their wives get pelvic PT. Get outta here! Sex can take a few minutes at minimum, it really ain't that hard to do.

This is a terrible attitude.

My H went into the postpartum period expecting that sex would be infrequent for months as I recovered and as we took care of an infant together. He absolutely would have helped me get pelvic floor therapy if needed.

Because he was so understanding and never pressured me, we got to once a week pretty quickly, and eventually got back to 5-6 times a week that we averaged before kids. Had I felt that he only cared about sex and not about my comfort and needs, I would not have been as interested as quickly.

On the other side of things, I do know women whose husbands pressured them into sex quickly after birth, and pressured them to have it more than they were comfortable with. Years down the road, those women have lost interest in their husbands entirely.

Men who only think about their penises are incredibly unattractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s ridiculous. He should be helping you with the twins and helping you get pelvic PT to recover from your birth, not harassing you for sex. Sorry but you’re at the start of a long marathon, and if you don’t get time to relax and rest now you will be extremely depleted by the end of the year. Tell him what you need to feel rested and healed and put yourself first. He’s an idiot if he doesn’t see what you need.

Sex is a part of marriage and this is a terrible opinion. No man is thinking of helping their wives get pelvic PT. Get outta here! Sex can take a few minutes at minimum, it really ain't that hard to do.

Why don’t you go sh*t two watermelons out of your ass for the sake of having a family and then have them attached to you all day for months, eating all the calories you take in? Get back to us about how hard it is or not to take it up the ass as often as demanded after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this with kindness and without judgment: You need to put out before your husband starts looking elsewhere.

Find a babysitter to watch the kids and take an evening for yourselves each week. If you’re still uneasy with your body for whatever reason tell him that. Think of it as a time to perfect your bj skills. Men just operate differently than women it’s normal but you have to compromise. At this point it’s been a year with very little goodies I can understand his frustration.

She is THREE MONTHS past having twins and is “putting out” once a week! You’re insane, or a dude who feels like it’s his responsibility to get every other dude laid.

You're living in fantasy land. Soon it'll be but the twins need this... or I'm tired... and before you know it, hubby is looking elsewhere. It's just the way it goes. It's the reality of the thing. It just is. Either she musters up the umph to do it, or she'll be having serious marital issues in the next 3-6 months, I guarantee.

+1 best thing for those kids is a strong marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this with kindness and without judgment: You need to put out before your husband starts looking elsewhere.

Find a babysitter to watch the kids and take an evening for yourselves each week. If you’re still uneasy with your body for whatever reason tell him that. Think of it as a time to perfect your bj skills. Men just operate differently than women it’s normal but you have to compromise. At this point it’s been a year with very little goodies I can understand his frustration.

+1

+2 and I was like you are now, OP, for almost 2.5 years. That's how long I nursed. Once I stopped, my drive came back, but I never made the connection.

Another example from my life is a very good friend of mine who had few drinks and proceeded hit on me while his wife was pregnant with their second kid. Obviously I sat him down and had a little talk about his wife and what she's going through. But trust me that my friend is NOT normally the type, loves his wife, and now feels horrible (and we've had a few awkward months of basically no contact but are fine now).

Humans are animals. Of course, we have self control and language and many other things, but to pretend we are not animals is a big risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am team put out. What exactly is wrong with your mouth performing? Your anus? How can you be that tired that you can not spend a couple minutes being intimate with your husband? You are consumed by your children but what about him? Where and when does he get attention and affection from you? If you want, tell him that he needs to be proactive in finding a babysitter once a week so you all can go to a hotel and have sex. Figure it out:

Have you ever taken a class in reproductive anatomy? Do you actually have kids? The answer to “my vag was shredded by childbirth and hurts” is not “take it in the butt instead”. Do you even know where buttholes are?

OP and her H are having sex once a week with TWINS. That’s great.

I bet most of the people responding are men in sexless marriages who slept a full 8 hours every night while their wives were up every 2 hours breastfeeding and just couldn’t figure out why she was so tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s ridiculous. He should be helping you with the twins and helping you get pelvic PT to recover from your birth, not harassing you for sex. Sorry but you’re at the start of a long marathon, and if you don’t get time to relax and rest now you will be extremely depleted by the end of the year. Tell him what you need to feel rested and healed and put yourself first. He’s an idiot if he doesn’t see what you need.

Sex is a part of marriage and this is a terrible opinion. No man is thinking of helping their wives get pelvic PT. Get outta here! Sex can take a few minutes at minimum, it really ain't that hard to do.

Why don’t you go sh*t two watermelons out of your ass for the sake of having a family and then have them attached to you all day for months, eating all the calories you take in? Get back to us about how hard it is or not to take it up the ass as often as demanded after that.

SING IT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this with kindness and without judgment: You need to put out before your husband starts looking elsewhere.

Find a babysitter to watch the kids and take an evening for yourselves each week. If you’re still uneasy with your body for whatever reason tell him that. Think of it as a time to perfect your bj skills. Men just operate differently than women it’s normal but you have to compromise. At this point it’s been a year with very little goodies I can understand his frustration.

She is THREE MONTHS past having twins and is “putting out” once a week! You’re insane, or a dude who feels like it’s his responsibility to get every other dude laid.

You're living in fantasy land. Soon it'll be but the twins need this... or I'm tired... and before you know it, hubby is looking elsewhere. It's just the way it goes. It's the reality of the thing. It just is. Either she musters up the umph to do it, or she'll be having serious marital issues in the next 3-6 months, I guarantee.

+1 best thing for those kids is a strong marriage

Yeah and the best way to create a strong marriage is equal partnership and the wife feeling valued for being more than a hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel so vulnerable (and downright weird) posting this, but I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends and family about it and I figured that a parenting site might be my best bet for insight. I had twins 3 months ago and after a fairly traumatic birth (e.g., among other things, I needed a blood transfusion), I don’t have the desire to be as intimate as my husband does. Before kids, we were intimate about twice/week and now it’s dropped to about half of that, but after we put the twins down at night every night he is all over me. I just feel totally touched out holding and feeding babies all day, but he feels rejected when I say no almost every night of the week since I’m too tired. His drive is way higher than it ever was for the 10+ years that we’ve been together since I gave birth. I guess I’m just wondering if this is normal and just a phase (either on his part or on mine)? And in case it’s helpful to know, we were not intimate much during pregnancy, so I’m wondering if that has something to do with his change in drive?

Anyway, in the event that this post isn’t too explicit to be deleted, thanks for any perspective!

I'm a DH. To answer your questions specifically, based on DCUM and my personal experiences, it does seem typical for new mothers to be too tired for sex although this is not always the case. Many women's libidos return after the baby gets older although the specifics can vary. Some women never seem to get their drive back, at least according to DCUM. I do think younger Moms (< 30) have their libidos return more quickly, but this is just a hunch based on personal experience--I dated a couple of single Moms who had kids in their 20s, and their libidos were fine.

My libido did not increase after becoming a father and I never heard of this happening to other dads. Maybe your husband is horny because you guys were relatively inactive during the pregnancy and the frequency has dropped?

As others have mentioned getting help or him pitching in more, assuming he already isn't are good options.

[Anonymous]

I think it's about timing. Have sex first thing in the morning. Keep it fast and basic. Be clear about what help you need at night after a full day at childcare.

[Anonymous]

Is he working hard to make the sex good for you? Or is it all about him? I'm clear with my DH that unless it's going to consistently be fun for me I'm not motivated to just have sex to please him.

[Anonymous]

*full day of childcare.

[Anonymous]

OP please whatever else you read here.. Do Not have sex you don’t want. *That* is the seed of resentment that will poison your marriage in the long term, not your husband only getting laid once a week at 12 weeks postpartum.

If you want to be having more sex, get childcare for an afternoon, go out (just you) and really think about what it would take for you to have more enjoyable sex. Maybe you need more household help, maybe you need more time for yourself (exercise, PT as someone mentioned) maybe you need more sleep, but really think it over and be sure about it. Then when your husband next approaches you say, look, Bill, I also want to get our sex life back to where it was before the twins but obviously things in the rest of our lives have undergone a huge shift and we need to adjust to make sure we’re making space for this. So please tomorrow on your lunch break could you call our cleaning agency and see if they can form an extra day every week. Also, I’ll be asking *babysitter* to arrive at 7 on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s so I can get more rest, I’d appreciate it if you’re extra quiet leaving those mornings” or whatever it is. This has to be a household, lifestyle adjustment to work.

Men on this board hate me, but my husband and I have sex 2x week and every day on vacations. The only way this works without resentment is when you make your environment one that is conducive to a healthy sex life, and that’s a two person job.