Husband wants to be more intimate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi this is OP! Thanks very much for the many responses to this thread (except for the really rude ones… no thanks to you). I talked to my husband this morning to try to understand if there’s a reason that he can pinpoint for his major increase in drive since I gave birth and he thinks that it’s because we don’t really get to spend any time together anymore so it’s an easy way to connect. By the way, we don’t live near friends or family since we just relocated, so we are going it completely alone with the twins and kind of drowning, TBH. It’s just unfortunate that my drive is WAY down right as his seems to be WAY up, and that’s actually why I posted—I was wondering if this is a common biological thing on either of our parts and whether I can expect things to calm down (or rev up, as it were haha). I promise that I’m not a dead fish now and he’s not a pervert or anything, we just have mismatched libidos at the moment and I don’t want anyone to feel badly, so I was wondering if this is a short phase or truly something to actively work through. I’ve decided to tackle it as if it’s the latter, but hope it’s the former. I think that there are ways to connect until I’m ready to be intimate more than once a week.

BTW, I’m on maternity leave and my husband works a really demanding job, but we split our leave and in about a month I’ll go back to my own very demanding job and he will care for the twins full-time. I’ve got a hunch that his drive will taper a bit in about a month’s time hahaha.

Again, thanks for the input!

Yeah, he might be zonked out after walking a mile in your shoes. Who’s doing the night parenting?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I say this with kindness and without judgment: You need to put out before your husband starts looking elsewhere.

Find a babysitter to watch the kids and take an evening for yourselves each week. If you’re still uneasy with your body for whatever reason tell him that. Think of it as a time to perfect your bj skills. Men just operate differently than women it’s normal but you have to compromise. At this point it’s been a year with very little goodies I can understand his frustration.

She is THREE MONTHS past having twins and is “putting out” once a week! You’re insane, or a dude who feels like it’s his responsibility to get every other dude laid.

You're living in fantasy land. Soon it'll be but the twins need this... or I'm tired... and before you know it, hubby is looking elsewhere. It's just the way it goes. It's the reality of the thing. It just is. Either she musters up the umph to do it, or she'll be having serious marital issues in the next 3-6 months, I guarantee.

Pretty much this.

If you ignore your marriage, eventually it will go away.

And? After it goes away, the wife, like most divorced women, will probably say she doesn't feel like meeting anyone else and will live out the rest of her life in peace, while the husband ties himself into knots trying to get sex from someone else. I know who I'd rather be.

Lies. She'll be back on DCUM asking with dating apps are the app, tips on hooking up with a random bar dude in Germany, or asking how long she should wait before her new boyfriend that she just met two months ago meets the twins.

Clearly you're new here.

Don’t forget the I’m newly divorced in my 40s what mini skirt should I wear on my blind date? Or my teenagers want to live with their father and his new wife, should I just run away to Canada? Followed by my sister is still friends with my ex husband-should I be mad?

It’s like a Jerry Springer episode ‘round here.

You do know that like 90% of posts here are trolls, right?

Doubt it's 90%. It's just that whenever someone posts something that the majority of people here can't relate to the first thing they do is yell TROLL!! It's happened to me on a thread I posted and I'm sure countless others. There's nothing worse than sharing your story and looking for engaging feedback only to be called a troll. It's dumb and immature.

A “mid-40s woman” asking what miniskirt to wear on a blind date or talking about running away to Canada is very obviously a troll. I’m not sure why the PP thinks that is an accurate depiction of what mid-40s women post online. If they ever were posted here and not just hyperbole by PP to prove a point (“women suck and here’s a hypothetical situation proving why!”) they are very obviously troll posts.

Again, doubt it. I'm in my late-40s and have a group chat of eight girlfriends who are all my age or a couple years older, more than half of us are divorced and we discuss clothing for dates or events quite frequently and yes, sometimes that includes miniskirts. So again, just because you can relate doesn't mean it's not real.

Yea, a group chat with friends.

Real women aren't posting on DCUM asking for miniskirt advice.

They would if they don't have friends. Geesh!! Are you Lord of What Real Women do? Chill out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Youngest child is nine but we average 1x/6 weeks. I was ready to go within two weeks of each birth but DH is...different. That said, I think once a week unless both of you are extremely high-drive is excellent. The thing about men is that they want to know that things will improve. You should tell DH that in X amount of months, given sufficient household/childcare help, you will return to 2-3x/week of some form of intimacy. Marriages die when the high-drive partner is deprived for years and there is no prospect of ever having regular intimacy again. Limbo is the worst.

Wow, you're having sex less than 12 times a year??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi this is OP! Thanks very much for the many responses to this thread (except for the really rude ones… no thanks to you). I talked to my husband this morning to try to understand if there’s a reason that he can pinpoint for his major increase in drive since I gave birth and he thinks that it’s because we don’t really get to spend any time together anymore so it’s an easy way to connect. By the way, we don’t live near friends or family since we just relocated, so we are going it completely alone with the twins and kind of drowning, TBH. It’s just unfortunate that my drive is WAY down right as his seems to be WAY up, and that’s actually why I posted—I was wondering if this is a common biological thing on either of our parts and whether I can expect things to calm down (or rev up, as it were haha). I promise that I’m not a dead fish now and he’s not a pervert or anything, we just have mismatched libidos at the moment and I don’t want anyone to feel badly, so I was wondering if this is a short phase or truly something to actively work through. I’ve decided to tackle it as if it’s the latter, but hope it’s the former. I think that there are ways to connect until I’m ready to be intimate more than once a week.

BTW, I’m on maternity leave and my husband works a really demanding job, but we split our leave and in about a month I’ll go back to my own very demanding job and he will care for the twins full-time. I’ve got a hunch that his drive will taper a bit in about a month’s time hahaha.

Again, thanks for the input!

Get your iron checked. I had a huge dip in my iron after giving birth and low and behold low iron = low libido. Check your iron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Youngest child is nine but we average 1x/6 weeks. I was ready to go within two weeks of each birth but DH is...different. That said, I think once a week unless both of you are extremely high-drive is excellent. The thing about men is that they want to know that things will improve. You should tell DH that in X amount of months, given sufficient household/childcare help, you will return to 2-3x/week of some form of intimacy. Marriages die when the high-drive partner is deprived for years and there is no prospect of ever having regular intimacy again. Limbo is the worst.

Wow, you're having sex less than 12 times a year??

Marriage counselors define a “sexless marriage” as fewer than 11 instances of coitus per year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Youngest child is nine but we average 1x/6 weeks. I was ready to go within two weeks of each birth but DH is...different. That said, I think once a week unless both of you are extremely high-drive is excellent. The thing about men is that they want to know that things will improve. You should tell DH that in X amount of months, given sufficient household/childcare help, you will return to 2-3x/week of some form of intimacy. Marriages die when the high-drive partner is deprived for years and there is no prospect of ever having regular intimacy again. Limbo is the worst.

Wow, you're having sex less than 12 times a year??

Marriage counselors define a “sexless marriage” as fewer than 11 instances of coitus per year.

NP here and I am in the same boat. It's quite common for partner's to neglect each other during the baby years and emerge as totally unglued and resentful. It's really, really hard to reignite the spark if you allow it to die.

This is why this post struck a nerve. OP is doing fine, once a week at that age is better than most and her DH needs to be patient. But the conversation is important and ignoring your partner's request for more intimacy is the death knell of a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, the new normal is always a transition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this with kindness and without judgment: You need to put out before your husband starts looking elsewhere.

Find a babysitter to watch the kids and take an evening for yourselves each week. If you’re still uneasy with your body for whatever reason tell him that. Think of it as a time to perfect your bj skills. Men just operate differently than women it’s normal but you have to compromise. At this point it’s been a year with very little goodies I can understand his frustration.

+1

You plus ones need to pound sand. She’s nursing TWINS. That is round the clock duty. OP, babies are the priority. Tell your husband to pound sand, literally!

[Anonymous]

Are you open to BJs?

That is my go to when I’m not in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this with kindness and without judgment: You need to put out before your husband starts looking elsewhere.

Find a babysitter to watch the kids and take an evening for yourselves each week. If you’re still uneasy with your body for whatever reason tell him that. Think of it as a time to perfect your bj skills. Men just operate differently than women it’s normal but you have to compromise. At this point it’s been a year with very little goodies I can understand his frustration.

+1

You plus ones need to pound sand. She’s nursing TWINS. That is round the clock duty. OP, babies are the priority. Tell your husband to pound sand, literally!

This is terrible advice. While she deserves a break and her husband does need to pitch in and be patient, being dismissive of his needs is a recipe for divorce. I'm definitely not saying she needs to "put out." But at least talk to him, try to be empathetic, maybe even lend a hand, so to speak

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Youngest child is nine but we average 1x/6 weeks. I was ready to go within two weeks of each birth but DH is...different. That said, I think once a week unless both of you are extremely high-drive is excellent. The thing about men is that they want to know that things will improve. You should tell DH that in X amount of months, given sufficient household/childcare help, you will return to 2-3x/week of some form of intimacy. Marriages die when the high-drive partner is deprived for years and there is no prospect of ever having regular intimacy again. Limbo is the worst.

Wow, you're having sex less than 12 times a year??

Marriage counselors define a “sexless marriage” as fewer than 11 instances of coitus per year.

NP here and I am in the same boat. It's quite common for partner's to neglect each other during the baby years and emerge as totally unglued and resentful. It's really, really hard to reignite the spark if you allow it to die.

This is why this post struck a nerve. OP is doing fine, once a week at that age is better than most and her DH needs to be patient. But the conversation is important and ignoring your partner's request for more intimacy is the death knell of a marriage.

Personally poorly going about the request for intimacy is also a death knell of a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you open to BJs?

That is my go to when I’m not in the mood.

I've never understood this advice. Giving a BJ to completion requires so much more effort than PIV, AND you're less likely to get pleasure from it as it's happening. Can you explain why it's easier to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Youngest child is nine but we average 1x/6 weeks. I was ready to go within two weeks of each birth but DH is...different. That said, I think once a week unless both of you are extremely high-drive is excellent. The thing about men is that they want to know that things will improve. You should tell DH that in X amount of months, given sufficient household/childcare help, you will return to 2-3x/week of some form of intimacy. Marriages die when the high-drive partner is deprived for years and there is no prospect of ever having regular intimacy again. Limbo is the worst.

Wow, you're having sex less than 12 times a year??

Marriage counselors define a “sexless marriage” as fewer than 11 instances of coitus per year.

I don’t give a $hi! how marriage counselors define a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage means no sex. 11 times a year after having twins are you insane??? And yes I have twins! good GOD people. Also if a woman wants to have tons of sex after having twins THATS FINE TOO but I spent the first 4 months breastfeeding around the clock and digging myself into a deep pit of insomnia and insanity. I don’t remember months 4 until mostly the present and now they’re starting middle school. I just can’t with you people.

[Anonymous]

Give him a hall pass until you’re ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Youngest child is nine but we average 1x/6 weeks. I was ready to go within two weeks of each birth but DH is...different. That said, I think once a week unless both of you are extremely high-drive is excellent. The thing about men is that they want to know that things will improve. You should tell DH that in X amount of months, given sufficient household/childcare help, you will return to 2-3x/week of some form of intimacy. Marriages die when the high-drive partner is deprived for years and there is no prospect of ever having regular intimacy again. Limbo is the worst.

Wow, you're having sex less than 12 times a year??

Marriage counselors define a “sexless marriage” as fewer than 11 instances of coitus per year.

I don’t give a $hi! how marriage counselors define a sexless marriage. A sexless marriage means no sex. 11 times a year after having twins are you insane??? And yes I have twins! good GOD people. Also if a woman wants to have tons of sex after having twins THATS FINE TOO but I spent the first 4 months breastfeeding around the clock and digging myself into a deep pit of insomnia and insanity. I don’t remember months 4 until mostly the present and now they’re starting middle school. I just can’t with you people.

Given your generally hostile attitude toward the topic of intimacy, I pity your poor husband.

You do not sound the least bit open to an honest dialog on the issue.