Husband wants to be more intimate

[Anonymous]

We can shut this thread down. It's been beaten to a pulp.

OP is either sleeping, feeding, or having wild wild sex with her DH (ok, just threw that one in there for giggles).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this with kindness and without judgment: You need to put out before your husband starts looking elsewhere.

Find a babysitter to watch the kids and take an evening for yourselves each week. If you’re still uneasy with your body for whatever reason tell him that. Think of it as a time to perfect your bj skills. Men just operate differently than women it’s normal but you have to compromise. At this point it’s been a year with very little goodies I can understand his frustration.

“You have to put out”?

Are you a male in middle school?

STFU

How dare you tell a woman who is still recovering from a traumatic delivery that she has to “put out” or lose her husband.

Good god.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We can shut this thread down. It's been beaten to a pulp.

OP is either sleeping, feeding, or having wild wild sex with her DH (ok, just threw that one in there for giggles).

Ha. Yes how can we make that happen? Does Jeff have a protocol for this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m struck by how many posters (though hopefully the same one, several times) are so gross that they’d want to have unpleasurable — for her— sex with a partner who they know doesn’t want it. That’s “intimacy”? What, precisely, is intimate about someone telling you to “make it quick”?

You’d be shocked how many men feel this way. I was when I found out. For a while I thought it was just a few men but no, men like this are everywhere. “A man has needs and if you don’t meet them he will just get them somewhere else, so sorry, you gotta do it even if you hate it.” Do they care that a woman might want a good sex life too? Or that she might have other needs in life that aren’t getting met? No, they don’t care, not enough to do anything to support their wife. A lot of the guys who seem like good men are more than willing to have sex with somebody who isn’t enjoy it.

Not all men to be sure, than goodness. I have to keep in mind that even if millions of men feel this way, there are still many who don’t. And more importantly my husband isn’t like this.

Here is something that will shock you…women are the same way.

I have never once heard a woman say she pressures her spouse into unpleasurable sex— I do know some men who consider it like pizza (even if it’s not great it’s pizza…) but never once someone who expects her spouse to just have non-orgasmic sex as a regular part of their routine as suggested here.

[Anonymous]

Youngest child is nine but we average 1x/6 weeks. I was ready to go within two weeks of each birth but DH is...different. That said, I think once a week unless both of you are extremely high-drive is excellent. The thing about men is that they want to know that things will improve. You should tell DH that in X amount of months, given sufficient household/childcare help, you will return to 2-3x/week of some form of intimacy. Marriages die when the high-drive partner is deprived for years and there is no prospect of ever having regular intimacy again. Limbo is the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Youngest child is nine but we average 1x/6 weeks. I was ready to go within two weeks of each birth but DH is...different. That said, I think once a week unless both of you are extremely high-drive is excellent. The thing about men is that they want to know that things will improve. You should tell DH that in X amount of months, given sufficient household/childcare help, you will return to 2-3x/week of some form of intimacy.

Little does he know that nothing he ever does will be "sufficient" and the goalposts for "sufficient" will always recede and he'll always be reaching eagerly for that carrot that's dangled in front of him but he'll never quite catch it

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:He’s ridiculous. He should be helping you with the twins and helping you get pelvic PT to recover from your birth, not harassing you for sex. Sorry but you’re at the start of a long marathon, and if you don’t get time to relax and rest now you will be extremely depleted by the end of the year. Tell him what you need to feel rested and healed and put yourself first. He’s an idiot if he doesn’t see what you need.

Sex is a part of marriage and this is a terrible opinion. No man is thinking of helping their wives get pelvic PT. Get outta here! Sex can take a few minutes at minimum, it really ain't that hard to do.

Why don’t you go sh*t two watermelons out of your ass for the sake of having a family and then have them attached to you all day for months, eating all the calories you take in? Get back to us about how hard it is or not to take it up the ass as often as demanded after that.

You're an idiot. She gave birth to twins last I read, she didn't sh^t two watermelons out of her ass. Also, giving birth to twins is amaaaaaazing, but it's not like sighting a unicorn. Keep telling this woman to take the time she needs and to tell her husband to chill and she'll be a single mama of twins in no time. As much as you weirdos on this site like to act like doling out sex to your husbands twice a year because he deserved after helping with the baby/mowing the lawn/buying you whatever you want is normal, it's not! MARRIAGES INCLUDE SEX!! I didn't make the rules. That's just what it is. Connecting with your husband sexually is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. Y'all give out sex like kindergarten teachers hand out gold stars for good behavior and then come here and rant about needing a divorce and not being able to connect with your husbands. Well, duh!!

Tell me you’re an incel without telling me you’re an incel.

My H and I have sex 5-6 times a week normally, 2-5 times a week during baby times. I can easily go daily, often twice a day (or more). How? He helps with the kids, helps out around the house, values me, connects with me in dozens of different ways besides just sex, has never pressured me to put out during pregnancy/postpartum, and just being an overall great guy who doesn’t obsess over sex. Because he prioritizes every other aspect of our marriage, we have a lot of sex.

Men on here don’t like hearing it. But I’ve posted multiple times on here that I enjoy daily sex and they’ve called me a unicorn. I’m really not. I lose my drive in crappy relationships like any other woman. I just married a really great guy who respects me, values me beyond just a place to stick it in, and works with me as a true partner. Like this morning, he knows I’m exhausted because we have a baby. So he set the older kid up with a show, took the baby with him, got me coffee and breakfast, all so I could sleep in and not worry about making breakfast. Guess who got laid during morning nap time?

It’s not that hard. Value your wife beyond just sex, and she’ll want sex more.

Good for you, sis, but her husband wants sex more than once a week. You just wrote a whole novel about your marriage and your sex exploitations with your husband, but how does that help OP? It doesn't.

A bunch of sexless men telling Op her H will cheat or she should take it up the butt isn’t helpful.

But it’s simple. OP explains to her H that they are actually having sex more frequently than average, especially for having twins, and that she needs him to be understanding as she processes her trauma and handles the exhaustion of caring for infants.

Then she explains what she needs to want more sex *in the future*. More help at home, more time spent reconnecting in other ways, time alone, therapy, whatever. With the understanding that this won’t be an immediate thing, as they are still in survival mode and she is sleep deprived and exhausted. In the meantime, establish boundaries like he can’t grope her, ask her repeatedly, etc as this just builds resentment.

+1

OP this is what you absolutely have to do to lay the foundation for a good marriage in the future. You are really lucky to have gotten this comment actually. Hopefully you can just ignore many of the ones here.

This is good advice.

-a dad

This is why I stop myself when I’m tempted to say “men suck.” Plenty of them don’t.

Thanks for not sucking PP.

[Anonymous]

Hi this is OP! Thanks very much for the many responses to this thread (except for the really rude ones… no thanks to you). I talked to my husband this morning to try to understand if there’s a reason that he can pinpoint for his major increase in drive since I gave birth and he thinks that it’s because we don’t really get to spend any time together anymore so it’s an easy way to connect. By the way, we don’t live near friends or family since we just relocated, so we are going it completely alone with the twins and kind of drowning, TBH. It’s just unfortunate that my drive is WAY down right as his seems to be WAY up, and that’s actually why I posted—I was wondering if this is a common biological thing on either of our parts and whether I can expect things to calm down (or rev up, as it were haha). I promise that I’m not a dead fish now and he’s not a pervert or anything, we just have mismatched libidos at the moment and I don’t want anyone to feel badly, so I was wondering if this is a short phase or truly something to actively work through. I’ve decided to tackle it as if it’s the latter, but hope it’s the former. I think that there are ways to connect until I’m ready to be intimate more than once a week.

BTW, I’m on maternity leave and my husband works a really demanding job, but we split our leave and in about a month I’ll go back to my own very demanding job and he will care for the twins full-time. I’ve got a hunch that his drive will taper a bit in about a month’s time hahaha.

Again, thanks for the input!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for summing up; liked that you get the issue the name:

“mismatched libidos.”

That’s the perfect term for it. And it’s frequently discussed here on DCUMAD.

The “mismatched libidos” frequently means the wife loses some, or all, interest.

However, the opposite also happens: wives are understandably dissatisfied when their husbands lose interest or otherwise won’t step up.

Hugs and good wishes to you, OP! Hang in there; you guys got this.

[Anonymous]

It is totally normal on your part because breastfeeding and delivery hormones intentionally tamp down your sex drive. Mother Nature is trying to make these offspring survive not make new ones (yet). After the literally painful phase was over for me (6M) my drive returned to normal extremely quickly. Before a year we were back on our game but my DH was extremely hands on and made an absolute priority of my health and recovery. No one I know who did not have a well-supported recovery has a fully normal drive back promptly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We can shut this thread down. It's been beaten to a pulp.

OP is either sleeping, feeding, or having wild wild sex with her DH (ok, just threw that one in there for giggles).

Ha. Yes how can we make that happen? Does Jeff have a protocol for this?

Op can request it.

Or you can report if you think the thread has abusive posts. But because the gross posts have been challenged by others, he may keep it active.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this with kindness and without judgment: You need to put out before your husband starts looking elsewhere.

Find a babysitter to watch the kids and take an evening for yourselves each week. If you’re still uneasy with your body for whatever reason tell him that. Think of it as a time to perfect your bj skills. Men just operate differently than women it’s normal but you have to compromise. At this point it’s been a year with very little goodies I can understand his frustration.

She is THREE MONTHS past having twins and is “putting out” once a week! You’re insane, or a dude who feels like it’s his responsibility to get every other dude laid.

+1, insane. Many women don't want to have sex at all 3 months postpartum

[Anonymous]

Male here - twins, 3 months? I’d be thrilled with sex once a week and I have a high libido. Twins must be exhausting and a body takes time to fully recover. We have three kids and after they were born I always left it up to my wife to say when she was ready for sex and it never took a long time (Thank God!) and when she was ready she was really ready. Putting pressure on OP is idiocy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Youngest child is nine but we average 1x/6 weeks. I was ready to go within two weeks of each birth but DH is...different. That said, I think once a week unless both of you are extremely high-drive is excellent. The thing about men is that they want to know that things will improve. You should tell DH that in X amount of months, given sufficient household/childcare help, you will return to 2-3x/week of some form of intimacy. Marriages die when the high-drive partner is deprived for years and there is no prospect of ever having regular intimacy again. Limbo is the worst.

I wish I could like your comment 100x.

This is it exactly. Just acknowledging that you also miss sex and intimacy like it was will go a long way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m struck by how many posters (though hopefully the same one, several times) are so gross that they’d want to have unpleasurable — for her— sex with a partner who they know doesn’t want it. That’s “intimacy”? What, precisely, is intimate about someone telling you to “make it quick”?

You’d be shocked how many men feel this way. I was when I found out. For a while I thought it was just a few men but no, men like this are everywhere. “A man has needs and if you don’t meet them he will just get them somewhere else, so sorry, you gotta do it even if you hate it.” Do they care that a woman might want a good sex life too? Or that she might have other needs in life that aren’t getting met? No, they don’t care, not enough to do anything to support their wife. A lot of the guys who seem like good men are more than willing to have sex with somebody who isn’t enjoy it.

Not all men to be sure, than goodness. I have to keep in mind that even if millions of men feel this way, there are still many who don’t. And more importantly my husband isn’t like this.

Here is something that will shock you…women are the same way.

I have never once heard a woman say she pressures her spouse into unpleasurable sex— I do know some men who consider it like pizza (even if it’s not great it’s pizza…) but never once someone who expects her spouse to just have non-orgasmic sex as a regular part of their routine as suggested here.

NP. I'm worse. I expect DH to orgasm or i get a bit offended.

I know society refuses to believe it but many women are the same way (and many men are not...) 🤷‍♀️