I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

My BF has a husband who folds like a fan whenever his mother pushes back. She has learned to be direct and not provide extended explanations. “I will not be ready for your arrival at 5:00. If Doug can come home early, we can do 4:00. at the earliest. Doug?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that it sounds like you have a difficult relationship with your in laws. But my parents truly do have more difficulty driving after dark. The difference between 4 and 5 pm isn’t that big, but the difference with driving in daylight vs dark is significant for many older people.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Just awful. I can't imagine causing DH's parent's to drive in the dark. You're sick of hosting and should stop. That's fine. But once you agree then you need to actually be hospitable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just awful. I can't imagine causing DH's parent's to drive in the dark. You're sick of hosting and should stop. That's fine. But once you agree then you need to actually be hospitable.

Op
Holy cow for the ten millionth time no one is being asked to drive in the gd dark

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be clear I totally get the driving in the dark - why I said come at 4p (then they drive in the light and arrive at 4). She said no we want to come earlier than that.

Why does she want to come earlier other than the driving in the dark issue? How far is the drive? How often do they visit? Is this a cross town drive or 6 hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just awful. I can't imagine causing DH's parent's to drive in the dark. You're sick of hosting and should stop. That's fine. But once you agree then you need to actually be hospitable.

Um, OP understands the night driving factor and said 4 would be fine. Arriving at 4 = no driving in the dark. Are you slow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just awful. I can't imagine causing DH's parent's to drive in the dark. You're sick of hosting and should stop. That's fine. But once you agree then you need to actually be hospitable.

Um, OP understands the night driving factor and said 4 would be fine. Arriving at 4 = no driving in the dark. Are you slow?

Still awful. She should not host.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure why your husband wasn’t in this conversation. If I had said to my husband “lets ask your parents to come at 5,” he would have known about the driving in the dark issue (since it’s super common with older people) and said to me that that wouldn’t work. So we would have gone into the conversation with the in laws on much firmer ground, being able to say that we were so excited to have them but not ready for them until 4. The problem is that the minute they had to push back on 5, which was a reasonable push back, it made your guests feel uncomfortable. That is something you want to avoid as a host, much less as family hosting. It doesn’t matter how annoying they have been in the past - in this situation, you appeared ungracious.

I think the boundaries need to set with your husband going forward since presumably he knows them best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just awful. I can't imagine causing DH's parent's to drive in the dark. You're sick of hosting and should stop. That's fine. But once you agree then you need to actually be hospitable.

Um, OP understands the night driving factor and said 4 would be fine. Arriving at 4 = no driving in the dark. Are you slow?

Still awful. She should not host.

why is it awful?

[Anonymous]

Pfft, I would have replied with: well, if driving at night is going to be an issue, first thing Christmas morning is perfect. See you then!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BF has a husband who folds like a fan whenever his mother pushes back. She has learned to be direct and not provide extended explanations. “I will not be ready for your arrival at 5:00. If Doug can come home early, we can do 4:00. at the earliest. Doug?”

this is the way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why your husband wasn’t in this conversation. If I had said to my husband “lets ask your parents to come at 5,” he would have known about the driving in the dark issue (since it’s super common with older people) and said to me that that wouldn’t work. So we would have gone into the conversation with the in laws on much firmer ground, being able to say that we were so excited to have them but not ready for them until 4. The problem is that the minute they had to push back on 5, which was a reasonable push back, it made your guests feel uncomfortable. That is something you want to avoid as a host, much less as family hosting. It doesn’t matter how annoying they have been in the past - in this situation, you appeared ungracious.

I think the boundaries need to set with your husband going forward since presumably he knows them best.

My husband has always had this job before but typically they have always come hours early. This time because I am juggling so much it was important to me that the ‘wait I thought they were coming at 3 yet here they are at 1’ thing didn’t happen so I included tbe time in an email about tomorrow and mil called me. I also said ‘5ish’ so a ton of scope for them to say ‘ok might be a tiny bit earlier bc we’d rather drive in the light’ (that bit was not in fact awkward). What was awkward was when mil said we want to come in the am. I tried to politely explain that we had a mountain of errands and prep so a bit later in the day was better and she seemed super miffed. I was super caught off guard tbh bc we do see them a lot and mainly bc it would never cross my mind if someone said ‘please come at x time’ to push them. My parents give us arrival times constantly and it never occurred to me to question their right to do so - people have things to do. It was not intended to be awkward but now is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Christmas is not about you and your personal time. It’s a day for family. Who cares if your in laws sit around your house while you prep? If your life is so “crazy hard” that Xmas is your only day to yourself, then I think the problem is your life and not your in laws.

Her FAMILY is her nuclear and you dont have to keep family that treats you poorly. If I was coming I would be like that sounds great. Please let me know if there is anything further we can do to assist for the day. I assume they are contributing something besides their lovely presence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just awful. I can't imagine causing DH's parent's to drive in the dark. You're sick of hosting and should stop. That's fine. But once you agree then you need to actually be hospitable.

Um, OP understands the night driving factor and said 4 would be fine. Arriving at 4 = no driving in the dark. Are you slow?

Still awful. She should not host.

So if you were throwing a dinner party, you wouldn’t think it rude for guests to show up four hours early?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just awful. I can't imagine causing DH's parent's to drive in the dark. You're sick of hosting and should stop. That's fine. But once you agree then you need to actually be hospitable.

Um, OP understands the night driving factor and said 4 would be fine. Arriving at 4 = no driving in the dark. Are you slow?

Still awful. She should not host.

Hosting doesnt mean bending over backward for others. Its here is an invitation/event that starts from X-Y time. MIL keeps trying to change the event. The host dictates the event not the guests. WHILE the event is going on you are welcoming. I am not going to welcome people into my home at 10am for an event that starts at 5pm. Even if its *family*. We have the opposite problem in my house. I say what time works for everyone. We agree 11 works. I have food ready, drinks, etc. DHs Dad arrives at 1pm. No text. He wants to wait for his Dad to arrive. I will wait 20 minutes and then without a call/text we just go ahead. The first time I did it he came in 1.5 hours after the agreed meet time and said Oh you guys started without me. Its okay its okay. Dont make a fuss Ill just eat whatever is left.