I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you set a boundary be prepared for an angry reaction. Boundaries are frightening and triggering to narcissistic people. You did nothing wrong.

Setting boundaries is a subset of "Changing the rules."

ANY time you change the rules, you will have push-back. You will have a bust of pushback that you have to weather through, then it will subside.

The pushback is called "The Extinction Burst." It is nature's way of getting it through our thick skulls that the rules have changed.

The easiest example of The Extinction Burst is a vending machine.

Every day, you put in $ and the vending machine gives you a coke.
One day, you put in $ and the vending machine gives you nothing.
Do you just walk away, allowing this change of rule?
Hell no.
First, you may shake the machine a little. Nothing happens.
You might even put in more $. Nothing happens.
Then you go crazy and pound on the machine and kick the machine...
After a period of that furious activity...you stop. YOU WALK AWAY


So. If when the machine is getting kicked, if the machine gives you a coke, then the machine has just taught you to kick the machine. Which is worse than before, for the machine.

In your scenario, you are the vending machine. Don't change a rule until you are prepared for the extinction burst. Then, after changing a rule, you must hold fast. They will learn, but not after giving you a few psychological kicks for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

Here is your solution OP!

[Anonymous]

OP, I am SO proud of you. You deserve the day to breathe and prepare. It was completely 100% reasonable.

Your MIL’s comeback is mean and petty. You are 100% fine. They are unreasonable and it’s sucks that your DH doesn’t have the balls to draw these reasonable boundaries himself.

Just breathe. You did great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

This right here. If they show up earlier than the agreed-upon time, your preparation work stops when the doorbell rings. “Oh, I was planning on doing laundry to get fresh towels for you, but you’re here early and I guess you can help with all there is left to do. Go ahead and switch the towels from the washer to the dryer. Thanks.”

This would probably backfire spectacularly. MIL would probably love to help. It's like people here are upping the ante with who can give worse advice.

I wouldn’t care at all. I’d tell DH I’m not doing anything until they leave. He can do all meals, all chores, etc. And whatever happens happens.

OK? But they're in your house and you don't get your decompression time or whatever. So, you lose. Why bother saying this at all? They probably care a lot less about your spectacular hosting than you seem to think. That's not the reason they come for a visit.

[Anonymous]

“Thanks, Mary. I hope your mental health isn’t suffering too much that I asked you to arrive later than you wanted, but still in full daylight.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

This right here. If they show up earlier than the agreed-upon time, your preparation work stops when the doorbell rings. “Oh, I was planning on doing laundry to get fresh towels for you, but you’re here early and I guess you can help with all there is left to do. Go ahead and switch the towels from the washer to the dryer. Thanks.”

This would probably backfire spectacularly. MIL would probably love to help. It's like people here are upping the ante with who can give worse advice.

I wouldn’t care at all. I’d tell DH I’m not doing anything until they leave. He can do all meals, all chores, etc. And whatever happens happens.

OK? But they're in your house and you don't get your decompression time or whatever. So, you lose. Why bother saying this at all? They probably care a lot less about your spectacular hosting than you seem to think. That's not the reason they come for a visit.

Who said I’d stay in the house? I’d leave DH to it. I’m off to “run some errands,” meaning an afternoon with a few magazines at a coffee shop, or a drop-in yoga class. The whole trip, I wouldn’t lift a finger until they left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Thanks, Mary. I hope your mental health isn’t suffering too much that I asked you to arrive later than you wanted, but still in full daylight.”

There's the Christmas spirit! You all are a bunch of head cases and deserve the blowback you get when you make comments like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Thanks, Mary. I hope your mental health isn’t suffering too much that I asked you to arrive later than you wanted, but still in full daylight.”

There's the Christmas spirit! You all are a bunch of head cases and deserve the blowback you get when you make comments like this.

You realize pp is echoing back the MIL’s words to OP? Under your line of thinking, does that mean the MIL deserves blowback for her comment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Thanks, Mary. I hope your mental health isn’t suffering too much that I asked you to arrive later than you wanted, but still in full daylight.”

There's the Christmas spirit! You all are a bunch of head cases and deserve the blowback you get when you make comments like this.

You realize pp is echoing back the MIL’s words to OP? Under your line of thinking, does that mean the MIL deserves blowback for her comment?

Yes. Are you familiar with the word "All"? People like this deserve each other. Never do I believe the DIL is a saint the way some do. She is given the knee jerk benefit of the doubt even when she's trolling about cakes and birthdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm. It sounds like you don't like them. Not wanting to drive int he dark is a legit concern.

Maybe next year tour husband should take the kids and spend the day with his parents at Christmas or he will grow a pair and divorce a person who treats his parents so poorly.

🙄🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Thanks, Mary. I hope your mental health isn’t suffering too much that I asked you to arrive later than you wanted, but still in full daylight.”

There's the Christmas spirit! You all are a bunch of head cases and deserve the blowback you get when you make comments like this.

You realize pp is echoing back the MIL’s words to OP? Under your line of thinking, does that mean the MIL deserves blowback for her comment?

Yes. Are you familiar with the word "All"? People like this deserve each other. Never do I believe the DIL is a saint the way some do. She is given the knee jerk benefit of the doubt even when she's trolling about cakes and birthdays.

NP. Huh? I don’t understand what this has to do with cakes and birthdays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you set a boundary be prepared for an angry reaction. Boundaries are frightening and triggering to narcissistic people. You did nothing wrong.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Thanks, Mary. I hope your mental health isn’t suffering too much that I asked you to arrive later than you wanted, but still in full daylight.”

There's the Christmas spirit! You all are a bunch of head cases and deserve the blowback you get when you make comments like this.

You realize pp is echoing back the MIL’s words to OP? Under your line of thinking, does that mean the MIL deserves blowback for her comment?

Yes. Are you familiar with the word "All"? People like this deserve each other. Never do I believe the DIL is a saint the way some do. She is given the knee jerk benefit of the doubt even when she's trolling about cakes and birthdays.

NP. Huh? I don’t understand what this has to do with cakes and birthdays?

These DIL posts tend to be troll posts on here. I don't see why this one is any different. The formula is the same. The saintly DIL against the evil MIL. The OP doesn't return often to post and respond to comments. It's mostly responders arguing with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you set a boundary be prepared for an angry reaction. Boundaries are frightening and triggering to narcissistic people. You did nothing wrong.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

You married a coward. Sorry you have to be the bad guy, OP.