Do many/most people go through marital problems in their forties and fifties?
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Anonymous
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We are in our late forties and it seems like there have been so many divorces and separations. The people who are married seem like they are unhappily married. The friends I am close enough to ALL have issues, going through counseling, can’t wait for kids to be out of the house so they can finally get divorced, etc.
What happened to happily ever after? It is sad that my not so great marriage seems to be one of the better marriages. We have kids who are doing well, high income, good health. DH annoys me most days and I’m not very attracted to him. I still think he is a good guy. We look pretty good for our ages. The things that annoy me are little things that still drive me crazy but nothing to divorce over. |
Anonymous
| The relationships I see falling apart have been focused on the kids to the point of no longer communicating with one another about anything other than the kids. Then they look at the looming empty nest and realize that they no longer like or even know the person they are married to. |
Anonymous
We definitely focus on our kids but we know one another well, too well. I often think I don’t like DH anymore but he always tells me he loves me. He has always loved me more since we were dating. I guess it is sweet. |
Anonymous
| I’m mid-40’s and only know of one couple who has divorced 🤔 |
Anonymous
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Realistically, this is probably the first time you’re witnessing what marriages actually look like. As a child, you didn’t understand / see them for what they really are (how could you have?)
What happened to happily ever after? Did it ever exist? I’ve talked to long married women in their 70s /80s. They describe “rough patches” that lasted YEARS… |
Anonymous
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The quality of my marriage is pretty much a direct function of how much personal free time we’re both getting to pursue our hobbies, rest or whatever we want. To me that means we’re in pretty good shape at the core.
I think a lot of people have friction because they are working/parenting too much. Which I get it, you have to do that sometimes to have the life you want. But I don’t think we spend enough time as young people thinking honestly about our personal capacity and how we should set up our lives. Often it’s two people going at 80% as single career adults and then they add a family which is a 50% increase and now they’re just strained all the time. I think in our high achieving dcum culture, not having enough energy/capacity often feels like failure. So people just grind it out even if they don’t “have” to, economically. Or because they can’t or won’t prioritize. I often see “date night” suggested but I actually think that’s a terrible idea if you’re already irritated all the time and you should do “solo nights” until you feel ready for date night. Solo nights are also easier because you can switch off the childcare. |
Anonymous
Talking about this is why I’m deeply devoted and grateful to Michelle Obama. |
Anonymous
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I don't know a single couple who hasn't had issues at that age. I feel it's entirely normal and understandable to come to mid-life, deal with perimenopause hormones and whatever men get at the same age, disruptive adolescents, aging parents, and see your professional and private hopes reframe themselves naturally.
I'd be shocked if a couple DIDN'T have problems, honestly! 
However none of my friends are divorced or separated, and neither are we. But I think that may be more of a cultural issue than a measure of how unserious or serious the marital problems are. My circle is American, European and Asian, with Catholic roots or some other type of conservative tradition shaping our understanding of life (even though none of us are regular church/pagoda/temple goers), and we all believe the institution of marriage is important. |
Anonymous
This is fascinating to me. I’m 47 and can think of at least 10 couples very easily, including each of my three close friends from college and several parents of my kids’ close friends. (But not a single couple in my family, nor my husband’s.) My 52 year old sister recently told me that she didn’t know anyone who was divorced. Do certain types of people attract friends who are more likely to divorce? And then when it becomes common among your friends, it’s almost contagious. |
Anonymous
You are extremely fortunate. Illness, struggling children, and financial problems put a strain on many marriages when people are in their late forties. |
Anonymous
This. Marriages are made up of the bond between two people, and eventually something in life is going to put stress on that bond. DH and I have been together 20 years and had a "rough patch" for a couple of years that we are just starting to come out of. It was health issues that put the pressure on us. I'm 53 and dealt with sleep deprivation from undiagnosed sleep apnea and insomnia and hot flashes from perimenopause. It hasn't been pretty. But with treatment for both, things are getting better. But yeah, eventually something puts stress on the marriage. If not -- you probably aren't living much. (I remember when I was a young lawyer at DOJ I said to my chief "I haven't lost a single case," and he said "Then I haven't been giving you anything challenging enough." Same kind of thing. ) |
Anonymous
I think it really depends on what kind of marriage you have. The marriage you have, for example, would not work for me. It sounds like a business arrangement. He annoys you most days, you don't like him, and you're not attracted to him, but your family is doing economically well and successfully raising children. That's the goal of a lot of marriages, and it sounds like it's working for you in that you have correctly put your complaints in perspective and recognize that for you, it's nothing to divorce over. Other people might not feel that way. Maybe that's what's going on with your friends. As for the question of divorce, it was my experience that there was a wave of divorces when the kids were little but not babies (3-5) and then another one when the kids were older. It seems to follow stages in life when other priorities (kids, jobs, dying parents) were more urgent and then after those things ease up, the weaknesses in the marriage become a lot more obvious. |
Anonymous
Kids, in-laws and two careers adds lot of stress on marriages but ones who are patient, come out happier than ever and strong. |
Anonymous
I think this is definitely true and I will end up being one of these ladies. I love my husband dearly, but he annoys the heck out of me (and I him). He snapped at our 8 yo this morning for eating dry cereal with her hand - to the point she was crying because he literally said "i dont care" when she tried to explain why she was eating with her hand. I quickly comforted her and he got super annoyed with me. Not a divorcable offense and he has many many good qualities. I am definitely not happy with this "impatient patch". I also understand it's hard - tough demanding careers, sick old parents (one died), raising kids, trying to keep fit, not sleeping enough, getting age related health concerns, etc, etc. This won't last forever and we'll eventually get back to us. I think some people just don't focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. |
Anonymous
| Social media killed a lot of marriages but getting people in touch with crushes and by making them compare their raw reality with other couple's choreographed hughlights. |